Moai Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 so what does she do so that you know she feels the same? She tells me. Also, she does little things for me that are so awesome it makes me feel like the king of the world. She is by far the best girlfriend I have ever had. And the best friend I have ever had.
Author amaysngrace Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 Finishing a PhD in evolutionary and developmental bio, been working with this stuff for about 10 years, so yes I do know what I am talking about... From thread Falling in love??? posted by lovelorcet: Maybe this sound kind of corny but I always thought falling in love is like planting a seed of a tree. With a lot of time and care it can grow into a large stable entity with many thick branches and capable of withstanding all kinds of weather. Or it can be forgotten or even hacked up at any given point if that is what someone chooses. I guess I am most interested in when you know you placed the seed in the soil and started to water and care for it. Not sure if any of this is really making sense but it seems to fit my head... Given the description of how love grows in your own words, I do think the only room for BS would appear to be in your bogus resume. For some reason, this doesn't quite sound like the textbook description you'd receive at a reputable institution teaching biology. Of course, having never studied biology with great enthusiasm, I could be wrong.
Moai Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 There is no such thing as a soul mate, what you are feeling is the biochemical reaction to stimulants from your environment causing you the feel the "love" program. There are how many billion people on this planet, so what would he the chance that you ever were to meet one "mate" Go play the lottery if you want better odds... Not completely. I don't think that how humans mate can be quantified so easily. In my case, my GF and I have been friends for several years, and we just started gravitating to each other more and more. I never had that "butterfly" feeling with regards to her. I always thought she was pretty, but that isn't why I started spending so much time with her. We like the same music, same movies, etc., and have a very similar sense of humor. I have changed a great deal because of our relationship (as has she), and my pursuing a romantic relationship with her was a conscious decision on my part. I genuinely like her, and I decided that I wanted my long-term relationship to be based on that, as it is more real than just thinking that she is "dreamy" or whatever. From that, my feelings have deepened in such a way that brain chemistry can't explain all of it. I also disagreee that finding a mate is like winning the lottery. In actuality, it is pretty easy to find a "soulmate." If you go out and pursue your interests, you will naturally meet people who are like minded, have the same goals, etc. The people you meet and know is anything but random. Of course, you can bump into someone randomly at a restaurant or in a store and "click" with them, but that is probably rare. I know lots of women who I would sleep with, but I would not pursue a relationship with. "Love" is not necessary to perpetuate our species. The need for love and companionship, while certainly part of humans mating, is beyond just reproduction.
Moai Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Really, the other guest is right. There are powerful chemicals at work in the early stages of 'love'. Nature put them there to make sure humans make more humans. No need to get testy about it. It's all lovely to want to think that yours is a love like no other, you were meant to be, bla bla bla. But an AWFUL lot of people who now can't stand the sight of each other started out feeling the exact same way. Unfortunately, the same chemicals that cause the feelings also impair judgement. If you still feel exactly the same way in a year, then you may be on to something. Not all people fall in love the same way. I think the feeling of a crush is the more chemical thing, and love isn't. There are people who can go from having a crush on someone to a lasting relationship, but I think that they are few. I chose to be in the relationship I am in. I behave toward my girlfriend in the way I want her to treat me, and it works great. I try to meet her emotional needs as much as I can, as she does for me. There is me, there is her, and there is our relationship. And we work on our relationship together.
Author amaysngrace Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 There is me, there is her, and there is our relationship. And we work on our relationship together. Beautifully stated. I think that painful feeling I get comes from completely entrusting my heart to another. I love him unconditionally, and would do virtually anything for him. I don't think I've ever chose to love someone this deeply before, although I've been in numerous relationships. The love, respect and admiration we have for one another is new to me. But it has grown into this. We didn't start here. And I just see it growing more each day.
lovelorcet Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 From thread Falling in love??? posted by lovelorcet: Given the description of how love grows in your own words, I do think the only room for BS would appear to be in your bogus resume. For some reason, this doesn't quite sound like the textbook description you'd receive at a reputable institution teaching biology. Of course, having never studied biology with great enthusiasm, I could be wrong. I do not see how this would conflict with the idea of there not being any soul mates. This was just a thought as to when to use the "love" program or avoid it. Being a scientist does not mean I can not be sentimental. And my resume is anyhting but bogus, I don't see why you have to make a personal attack only because I do not agree with you.
Author amaysngrace Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 And my resume is anyhting but bogus, I don't see why you have to make a personal attack only because I do not agree with you. Whatever Dude...
IpAncA Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 I don't think that my love for my husband is a biochemical reaction. I don't follow the whole soulmate thing but I do know what its like to have that hurt feeling. Mine is more like when you go on a rollercoaster and you go down that first hill and you lose your stomach. Excpet mine only lasts about a sec or two secs and then its gone. Usually I get mine when I see my husband sometimes or I think about him a lot of the time. I'm not sure where my feeling comes from. Don't know but its a feeling that I sure don't want to go away.
lovelorcet Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Feelings are a result of neurotransmitters being exchanged between different neurons. You have many nerves in your intestines which allow you to "feel" things in your belly, when you get nervous, excited or scared. It's not some kind of Voodoo or something... How can a computer chip create a colorful image on your display? It is a system, just like biology just because you never took the time to understand it does not make it something that can't be explained.
Ariadne Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Hi, Is this what it feels like when you've found your soul-mate? I think after reading messages in this board that Moai and Touche are some of the few lucky ones to have found a soulmate. Being curious, I asked Touche a few questions and she was nice enough to answer them for me. This is what she had to say about what it felt like to meet her soulmate: ---------- - Did you know he was the one? Touche: Not right away. I thought he'd be a good friend to me. I wasn't looking to get involved since I had just separated 3 days before from my ex-husband. He said he understood and we could just be friends. He told me that he had a truck and would help me move (I was staying with my parents while I looked for an apt.) But I fell in love with him within two weeks. - Did he know you were the one? He says it was love at first sight for him. - How long after you started dating? Well the day we met, we spoke for a bit and he asked for my number. I wouldn't give it to him since I wasn't interested at all in dating. He gave me his card. Well, a week later, after an exhausting day of job hunting, I stopped for a drink and dinner and just on a whim decided to call him when I saw his card in my wallet. I called him and he showed up at the restaurant 10 minutes later. We started dating from that point. Saw each other every day...spoke on the phone throughout the day. - How long after you got married or lived together? He proposed four weeks after that initial dinner. I said yes. That was in Nov. of 94. I moved in with him in Jan. of 95 and we were married in June of '95. - After 12 years, does it still feel like when you met or better? That's a tough one. I mean it's not exactly like when we first met. I miss that "madly in love" feeling. But in other ways it's way better. It's a deeper love. We still have the same connection we had at the beginning but we have a much better understanding of each other. We have a long history of going through good and bad times together. Overall, I'd say it's better. - Are you guys similar in many things? Absolutely YES. He's almost like a male version of me in SO many ways. He's more like me than any other man I've ever met. Our values are the same..similar tastes in things, comparable intelligence level and similar sense of humor. We have the same goals and like to do a lot of the same things. Not sure if this is good or bad sometmes, but we even have a lot of the same NEGATIVE traits. Our backgrounds are VERY different though. I mean as different as can be. Somehow, it just works. Sure we have our differences but our temperaments are very similar. We're both stubborn but we don't do the silent treatment thing and we don't hold grudges and we never name-call. We've always worked our differences out. - How did I know I had fallen in love? Well, he fit almost to a T the kind of man I always dreamed I'd meet someday. I mean even down to the physical. When I was with my ex and so miserable I used to DREAM about a certain kind of man. I'd even dream about what he looked like. I've written about it in my journal. He actually fit the physical descripton perfectly. It was kind of weird. He turned me on in every way and I felt a VERY strong connection to him right away. I came to understand what his weak points were and I still accepted him. - Did you ever have a doubt? I knew fairly quickly that I never wanted to continue to live my life without him in it. No, I had NO doubts. None. - Talk with my eyes? That made me laugh. Well, we can look at each other and pretty much know what the other is thinking if that's what you mean. You wouldn't believe how many times too that he has come out with something I was JUST about to say and vice versa. Happens ALL the time. Maybe that's just because we've been together so long we just know how the other thinks..not sure. ---------- Thank you Touche for the window into your soulmate relationship Ariadne
laRubiaBonita Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Hi, Is this what it feels like when you've found your soul-mate? I think after reading messages in this board that Moai and Touche are some of the few lucky ones to have found a soulmate. Being curious, I asked Touche a few questions and she was nice enough to answer them for me. This is what she had to say about what it felt like to meet her soulmate: ---------- - Did you know he was the one? Touche: Not right away. I thought he'd be a good friend to me. I wasn't looking to get involved since I had just separated 3 days before from my ex-husband. He said he understood and we could just be friends. He told me that he had a truck and would help me move (I was staying with my parents while I looked for an apt.) But I fell in love with him within two weeks. - Did he know you were the one? He says it was love at first sight for him. - How long after you started dating? Well the day we met, we spoke for a bit and he asked for my number. I wouldn't give it to him since I wasn't interested at all in dating. He gave me his card. Well, a week later, after an exhausting day of job hunting, I stopped for a drink and dinner and just on a whim decided to call him when I saw his card in my wallet. I called him and he showed up at the restaurant 10 minutes later. We started dating from that point. Saw each other every day...spoke on the phone throughout the day. - How long after you got married or lived together? He proposed four weeks after that initial dinner. I said yes. That was in Nov. of 94. I moved in with him in Jan. of 95 and we were married in June of '95. - After 12 years, does it still feel like when you met or better? That's a tough one. I mean it's not exactly like when we first met. I miss that "madly in love" feeling. But in other ways it's way better. It's a deeper love. We still have the same connection we had at the beginning but we have a much better understanding of each other. We have a long history of going through good and bad times together. Overall, I'd say it's better. - Are you guys similar in many things? Absolutely YES. He's almost like a male version of me in SO many ways. He's more like me than any other man I've ever met. Our values are the same..similar tastes in things, comparable intelligence level and similar sense of humor. We have the same goals and like to do a lot of the same things. Not sure if this is good or bad sometmes, but we even have a lot of the same NEGATIVE traits. Our backgrounds are VERY different though. I mean as different as can be. Somehow, it just works. Sure we have our differences but our temperaments are very similar. We're both stubborn but we don't do the silent treatment thing and we don't hold grudges and we never name-call. We've always worked our differences out. - How did I know I had fallen in love? Well, he fit almost to a T the kind of man I always dreamed I'd meet someday. I mean even down to the physical. When I was with my ex and so miserable I used to DREAM about a certain kind of man. I'd even dream about what he looked like. I've written about it in my journal. He actually fit the physical descripton perfectly. It was kind of weird. He turned me on in every way and I felt a VERY strong connection to him right away. I came to understand what his weak points were and I still accepted him. - Did you ever have a doubt? I knew fairly quickly that I never wanted to continue to live my life without him in it. No, I had NO doubts. None. - Talk with my eyes? That made me laugh. Well, we can look at each other and pretty much know what the other is thinking if that's what you mean. You wouldn't believe how many times too that he has come out with something I was JUST about to say and vice versa. Happens ALL the time. Maybe that's just because we've been together so long we just know how the other thinks..not sure. ---------- Thank you Touche for the window into your soulmate relationship Ariadne THis is what i am waiting to find!
Ariadne Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Hey, This is what i am waiting to find! Well, I found it, just like that... and lost it. He didn't think I was his soulmate... Ariadne
IpAncA Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Hey, This is what i am waiting to find! Well, I found it, just like that... and lost it. He didn't think I was his soulmate... Ariadne That is soooo sad. Did you find anyone else yet?
Woggle Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 I don't know if I would call her my soul-mate but I do have something great with my wife. It is good that you found a guy you love and I hope it works out better than your other relationship.
Author amaysngrace Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 Thank you Adriane and Touche. Touche, your relationship sounds very similiar to mine as far as your personalities are the same, even your faults. I enjoy his company immensely. In the beginning we were mostly phone friends, and he was content with even that. He had commented if this is all we're to ever be, then so be it. Of course I'm pleased to say it's grown into a full-fledged relationship. :bunny: :bunny: But we understand each other. I would never want to let him go ever. In the beginning we didn't even know each other's names or numbers, and didn't get them until our third time 'running into each other', as it was. Plus, my oldest sister (my Godmother) passed away last April '05. I met him for the second time one year to the date of her death. My BF's brother and SIL knew my sister, liked her, and speak highly of her. I was divorced in December, he in February. Both of our spouses treated us unkindly. There is a whole lot more but mostly I just love how he makes me feel. It is as if he soothes my soul. My life is so much better because I know him. Tonight he is bringing some of his palm trees and putting them into my dining room to keep them from the cold. How cool is that? He is the most amazing man I've ever met. He is not without flaw, but I have accepted whatever shortcomings he has with all the love I can give. He does the same with me. I'm so glad you shared. Thank you both so much!
dgiirl Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Yes, but it ended anyways. How you (and they) feel today is no guarantee against tomorrow, next month, or next year. Sorry- I don't mean to be cynical, just IME. I agree with you KM. I thought my exh was my soulmate. I felt an extremely intense connection with him the moment I met him. After talking about this in therapy, i realized those feelings gave me a false sense of security and I took the relationship for granted. A true soul mate is not the instant feeling you get the minute you meet, but how you continue to grow together and depend on each other over the years. Becareful of those initial strong feelings. They give you a false sense of security.
Ariadne Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Hey, That is soooo sad. Did you find anyone else yet? Nah, I'm still coming to terms with that he was "not" my soulmate. (I think this is the hardest part) That he is in love and happy with someone else... That I'll never see him again... That I'll never talk to him again... And all that stuff, Ariadne
IpAncA Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Hey, That is soooo sad. Did you find anyone else yet? Nah, I'm still coming to terms with that he was "not" my soulmate. (I think this is the hardest part) That he is in love and happy with someone else... That I'll never see him again... That I'll never talk to him again... And all that stuff, Ariadne Girl I sure do know that feeling. Before I met my H I was with someone else and it didn't end good at all. He didn't even give me a reason or anything. Even to this day I don't know why for sure. That was part of the reason why I didn't date for a very long time. Probably about 6 years. Yeah I know that is really a long time. But what made it hard for me was that he went to the same college as me and was in the same dorm building and everything. So it was hard to get over him because I seen him all the time. I even talked to him a couple of times but the only problem was that when I seen him, there was this slinky blond girl attached to him. Ugh that was the worst. So after that I decided that I needed to get over him and the only way I did it was to see him one more time and that was it. I didn't go up and talk to him or anything but I just had to see him and that was my way of getting over him and moving on.
Ariadne Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Hi, That was part of the reason why I didn't date for a very long time. Probably about 6 years. Wow, that seems like a long time to get over someone. I did some of the same. I drove 1,000 miles to where he lives just to see him. But it didn't help me get over him, it just made me happy to see him. Good thing you have a husband though, that gives me some hope. Ariadne
IpAncA Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Hi, That was part of the reason why I didn't date for a very long time. Probably about 6 years. Wow, that seems like a long time to get over someone. I did some of the same. I drove 1,000 miles to where he lives just to see him. But it didn't help me get over him, it just made me happy to see him. Good thing you have a husband though, that gives me some hope. Ariadne Yeah well I almost let him slip by me so that was just pure luck. Yeah that is a really long time. Well it was only two years while I was in High School and then thru college. I kind of used that as an excuse not to date anyone but thats in the past now so its ok now. Yeah I was happy to see him too but if you see him while hes with other people and such you see it in a different perspective and you see that hes moved on and you then realize that you should too. Just give it time.
Moai Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Feelings are a result of neurotransmitters being exchanged between different neurons. You have many nerves in your intestines which allow you to "feel" things in your belly, when you get nervous, excited or scared. It's not some kind of Voodoo or something... How can a computer chip create a colorful image on your display? It is a system, just like biology just because you never took the time to understand it does not make it something that can't be explained. Huh? Biologists are no closer to explaining why people love each other than are psychics, self-help book writers, or poets. You can examine what happens to a person when they are experiencing what we call love, but to say that the neurons firing, etc is what love is is to miss the point. Why did this person make the neurons fire and that one did not? How is that this person once made them fire, and now does not? how is it that they didn't, and now they do? There is way more to human interaction than just chemicals and neurons. While I love the term soulmate, I am a pro-science atheist so in reality I do not believe people have a "soul". I think a soulmate is a person who you feel is an extension of yourself. In my case it is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with and have children with.
laRubiaBonita Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Biology is a system and when you know how it works then there isn't much room for BS... There are many people on this planet who could give you the same feeling, you just have to find them all I just watched this really neat "conception" show on TLC or discovery, one of those..... anyways, i t was saying how it is prewired, through genes, as to what a person finds attractive, including pherimones, and pysho-physiological influences. they even had "smell tests" with men, to see if they could finf their mates and offsprings scents, which they all did. it was quite intersesting, they even showed how they are tested babies, with photos of "pretty" people and regular/ ugly folks, and they babies stared at the pretty people more. i was trying look up the name of the actual show, something like constructing a human..... have not found it as of yet.
Great Gazoo Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 I agree with you KM. I thought my exh was my soulmate. I felt an extremely intense connection with him the moment I met him. After talking about this in therapy, i realized those feelings gave me a false sense of security and I took the relationship for granted. A true soul mate is not the instant feeling you get the minute you meet, but how you continue to grow together and depend on each other over the years. Becareful of those initial strong feelings. They give you a false sense of security. I agree with this. If you believe too heavily in soul mates, its like believing in fairy tales. A marriage or relationship is no fairy tale. A marriage or relationship takes work, commitment, sacrifice. When you live in a fairy tale you expect everything to be perfect and you are not prepared for the reality that you will have arguments, it is not perfect and it takes work. It can leave you with unrealistic expectations.
IpAncA Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 I agree with this. If you believe too heavily in soul mates, its like believing in fairy tales. A marriage or relationship is no fairy tale. A marriage or relationship takes work, commitment, sacrifice. When you live in a fairy tale you expect everything to be perfect and you are not prepared for the reality that you will have arguments, it is not perfect and it takes work. It can leave you with unrealistic expectations. That is so true.
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