If he calls...

[ConfusedLover]

Hi all,

 

As a result of the responses to my earlier posting, I have decided to end my A and my resolve is getting stronger by the moment.

 

I am in NC. And will officially end A if MM calls. Now, how should I end it?

 

On one hand, I can tell him in an indifferent tone, that I dont want this anymore, lost interest, etc. etc. On the other hand, tell him the truth, I can tell him that I have not taken kindly to the way he has been treating me and definitely do not want him in my life anymore. Am I saving face if I take the first route....Will that mean he will get away with his shabby treatment. I know if I take the second route, I will become emotional and will I look vulnerable if I do it?

 

Inputs please...

[Ladyjane14]

Earlier you posted:

I must tell you that H was the only person I had slept with and we had been married for 13 years.

 

So.... you can save face by admitting to sexual curiosity. But you are also in a position right now to permanently discourage him from further pursuit by letting him know that he ain't all that!

 

Something like:

 

"Gee, I'm sorry. I have to admit I kind of used you a bit to appease my curiosity. Of course, now I see that it was just plain wrong.

 

You know, I've only been with the one guy. But after this additional experience, I realized that I hadn't really been missing much. Right now, I can't even imagine why I did it.

 

My husband really IS a terrific lover. I can see that now that I've had some comparison. And just between you and me, he's... umm... pretty well equipped. I don't know what I was thinking.

 

Really sorry for yanking your chain. I hope it hasn't caused you any discomfort.

 

Well... see ya."

 

Guys HATE to think some other guy has better goods when it comes to sex.

I seriously doubt he'll want to put himself back in a position to be found lacking.

 

 

Meanwhile, see your GYN and maybe even a sex therapist. It's well past time to get your issues worked out, so that you can find marital sex satisfying to your emotional needs.

 

It won't hurt you any to kick the OM out of your brain space either. Make a concerted effort to put your mind on something more constructive when your thoughts drift to the OM. Allowing self-indulgence in the matter of wallowing only hurts YOU. So be a little strict with yourself.

[Ladyjane14]

On one hand, I can tell him in an indifferent tone, that I dont want this anymore, lost interest, etc. etc. On the other hand, tell him the truth, I can tell him that I have not taken kindly to the way he has been treating me and definitely do not want him in my life anymore.

 

The additional benefit in opting for "indifference" rather than taking issue with his treatment of you.... is that you leave him NO ROOM for argument. If you bring up any of his faults, he'll just become defensive and/or determined to convince you of his sincerity.

 

You'll spare yourself alot of pointless conflict by politely defaming his junk. The key is to make your comments look innocently tactless.

[Guest]

I am going thru the same thing right now. In nc and have had it with this relationship after 4 years. These last few months I am at my wits end of the way he avoids/ignores and blows me off lately.

[greeneyes78]

I vote for being honest and puring your heart out. Sure, it will make you feel vulnerable, but it will also provide the necessary closure.

 

Unlike majority on this site, I don't believe that MM are cowards that are out to get single women with low self-esteem. These men have invested years and years in their marriage... especially since there are kids involved... joint finances, etc........it is not that easy to just drop everything and move on.

 

And if he is a coward, oh well... at least you put everything out on the table... and then you can move on with your life knowing for certain that he was not worthy of your love. Playing games won't give you the same satisfaction, but provide a "fake" quick fix and an instant gratification.

[greeneyes78]

Or here's a crazy idea... if you don't trust yourself and are afraid to "get sucked back in" via talking to him... whether being honest or indifferent... how about stop taking his calls altogether without any notice??? I mean I don't know the dynamics of your relationship and I don't know the reason of why you want to walk away from it, but how about cutting it off cold-turkey? I've done it before... it's hard as hell in the beginning, but soooo much easier in the long run.

[ConfusedLover]

LJ, I really loved your ideas!! Since he has only been using me, it definitely will give me satisfaction to tell him that he is not God's gift to womankind as he thinks he is.

 

I cant avoid him altogether, as we work for the organisation and we also have many common friends, so I have to maintain a semblance of friendship with him. If not, it will raise eyebrows as to why we have split as friends.

 

I will update you on how it goes. So the current plan is nonchalance + boredom...yawn

[Freedom Now]

Men don't respond to words. They respond to NO contact.

 

And I am not telling you this to get a response from him, I am just telling you this because I find that it is true, for the most part.

 

Every situation is different, but I have found in my situation that he comes back every time I walk away from him.

 

This time, I walked away for good.

 

I did it for ME this time. This relationship was toxic, as are relationships where there is a love triangle.

[Ladyjane14]

Good luck, CL.

 

You know, working together post-affair is going to be a daunting prospect. Most of the experts advise total and permanent separation in order that the affair doesn't rekindle. That means NO CONTACT FOREVER.

 

He WILL attempt to get you to reinvest at some point. Afterall, it was 'the chase' he seemed to most enjoy (per your earlier posts). Deflating his ego will make it more difficult for him to maintain his pursuit. You'll have to be prepared to maintain your indifference in a VERY staunch way. And during the times when he's at his most persistant, that's when you can reinforce your initial attack on his ego with more of those "innocently tactless" remarks.

 

You'll be tempted from time to time to 'let him off the hook', maybe even to tell him you didn't mean it. But those are the times when you'll need to remember back on how YOU felt at being used to fill a void in someone else's life. And while it's fair to say that you "used" him as well, do you honestly think you'd have done it if he hadn't pursued you the way he did?

 

Every situation is different. You hear that statement frequently here in the OW section. But I think there are some commonalities too when dealing with infidelity. When married people look outside the marriage, more often than not.... there's something amiss within the marital relationship. It's going to take time for you to REALLY figure out what it was that left you vulnerable to an affair. (I don't doubt that sexual dissatisfaction was a factor, but I think it's likely that there are some other issues as well.)

 

For you, getting to the root of all that is something that's within the realm of YOUR control. But there's nothing you can do for MM. He's got to figure out his own. If he doesn't get it done... there's a better than average possibility he'll move on to another OW. Make no mistake... he was getting some sort of 'payoff' for the behavior, otherwise he wouldn't have engaged in it to begin with. Unless he resolves his marital issues, there's no reason to expect he won't use what has proven to be a successful coping mechanism for him in the past.

 

Now... I want you to imagine how you would feel, standing by and watching as he pursues other women with the same fervor that he had earlier used on you.

 

Is that a fictitious scenario? Yeah, of course it is. But it has ENERGY all the same.

And you can use that energy to stiffen your resolve and to avoid the possibility of experiencing it as a reality.

 

Never doubt that you are doing the right thing by ending this. Let that knowledge also 'stiffen your resolve'. Your marriage is at great risk right now. You've stated that you love your husband, and the marriage is important to you. Divorce was never your intention.

 

With that in mind, it might be insightful for you to read some threads in the Separation/Divorce section, as well as the Infidelity section. Look for threads by men who are dealing with the fallout of their wife or girlfriend's unfaithfulness, and then imagine your husband experiencing that pain.

 

You know, both men and women are equally hurt by the betrayal they feel when their spouse cheats. Personally, I don't think either gender has 'a corner on the market'. But the male's reaction can be particularly intense. I imagine it's keyed into their biology somehow.

 

Excepting for soap operas, women pretty much KNOW when a baby is theirs. But men are reliant on having kept rivals away from their female in order to ascertain their own place in the gene pool. We are human animals afterall, and there are still some fundamental and instinctive traits among even the most enlightened of us.

 

The hurt and betrayal your husband will feel if/when he finds out about this could easily end your marriage.

 

So keep that in mind when temptation strikes... because strike it will.

 

The excitement of an extra-marital affair has an addictive quality, both in emotional and physiological response. So yeah, you're going to face temptation. But you've got ALOT of reasons to stay the course. The trick is going to be in reminding yourself DAILY that you've made a decision to end the EMR and protect your marriage.

[ConfusedLover]

Thanks LJ, I know the temptation. I have been trying to end this half-heartedly from March. And of course, every time going back to him when he pursued me again. So how is it going to be different this time? I think the rubber band broke. You can only stretch this much. There are a lot of ENs not satisfied from this relationship. I truly believed this was a romantic affair when it started but now I realize it was just a fling from MM's side. Too many broken promises that cannot be mended...

 

MM is a player. I am not the first of his EMRs nor will I be the last. But he is very discreet, so I will never come to know when he starts off on his next one. (Yes, it does make me jealous to think of him with another OW). I also wonder why I ever thought this was romantic when I knew very well he was a player. So blind...

 

I also know that for my own good I have to get out of this. And yes, if my wonderful hubby comes to know of this, he will be shattered. I dont even want to think about it. I do love him a lot and while the usual tiffs are there, what drove me to MM was the romantic thrill of chase and dissatisfaction in marital bed. I just have to work more on this, I guess.