Looking After Me

[Guest]

A friend of mine recently asked, regarding men, if I was in the habit of collecting stray dogs. My first husband was a loner, and turned out to be extremely abusive. My second husband was an outsider trying to fit in. He was nice, but we ended up simply not having anything in common. Now my heart is set on a married professor who is in a bad marriage (they don't live in the same rooms; he would move out except that it would kill him not to see his kids). He doesn't even live in the same state, but we have a lot in common.

 

He is such a sweet guy that I don't think he has it in him to divorce his wife; she'd have to divorce him. She wants him for his money; even he admits that now, long after his friends have been telling him this. So she's waiting for him to get a high paying job other than being a professor, which can't support her $10,000 a month spending habits. I've known him since high school -- a long long time, but only recently reconnected with him. He's been my obsession, other than eBay, and I started out with writing him and talking to him on the phone as an act of compassion because I felt sorry for him.

 

But then the compassion somehow turned to love as we shared intimacies. Recently, I sent him a letter telling him how I feel. He responded that how could he answer that question until he had answered some of the others I had asked of him which were pertinent, like what was he going to do with his life? Was he going to stay married? Would he try to stay a professor like he loves? Or would he take a high paying job in industry? They really are fundamental questions, and he will answer them eventually, but only when he has figured out the answers to them.

 

Meanwhile, I am feeling like a fool, embarrassed, despairing, SU, SI (although I have attempted neither of these last two), and depressed. Very depressed. And lonely. It is hard to concentrate to get anything done on my book or in my class. Yet time is just ticking away, and soon I will have to find some sort of work, and out will go either the grad degree or the book.

 

So do I collect stray dogs? At least it would make sense for me to fall for a guy who wasn't married. What an idiot I am.

people came out of the woodworks to be nice to me when I went through divorce and times of marriage struggle. I feel that I owe the Universe to pass on the support I received.

 

So I guess I'm sort of taking a Zen-like approach to this: If a romantic relationship happens between us, then great; if a friendship only happens, then this is ok too.

 

This relationship started when an old friend of mine contacted me for the first time in 25 years. We immediately hit it off, and started contacting old friends, and then we started planning a reunion for us (not a high school reunion, but an old friends reunion). This guy and I hit it off because we are so much alike. And when I found out that he has manic and paranoid symptoms for which he is being treated, then I shared my Dx, and we became closer. Two old friends with mental health issues. The intimacy grew from there. I was once (for 15 years) in an abusive relationship, and know what it is like to have your spouse deliberately cut off your relationships with friends and family (which happened to me and to him). I know what it is like believing that there should be only one marriage and that it should be forever (like he does). So the personal connections just grew.

 

However, like I said, I take my responsibility to him to be his friend to be the first priority. So I'm setting aside my romantic feelings for now. That is hard, but it would be harder to try to live with myself if I cut off all contact with him now because of my romantic feelings. So the better choice between the two is to remain a supportive old friend and to put aside my romantic feelings. This is disappointing to me to say the least. It hurts. A lot. But he truly is a nice guy, and very much worth keeping as a friend. Who would I be if, when I was in an abusive relationship, I had not had dear friends who were supportive of me looking after myself and my son? Doesn't he deserve that much?

 

So he is married and may stay married. I don't know if he has it in him to divorce or not. So I have to live with his choices. It's my choice to stay and take the pain. And it is very painful. But in my heart, I am happy, because ethically, I know I've made the right decision.

 

If something develops down the road--only AFTER he would be divorced--I'll just have to see where I am with my feelings toward him. I strongly feel that he should take some time to live by himself if he does divorce. He has issues he needs to work out and needs to learn to be able to be happy living with himself.

[dgiirl]

people came out of the woodworks to be nice to me when I went through divorce and times of marriage struggle. I feel that I owe the Universe to pass on the support I received.

 

Interesting way of repaying the universe by having atleast an emotional affair with a married man and contributing to the demise of a marriage. You certainly have overstepped the boundaries and I do not know how you can continue giving "support" when you're causing more harm than good. Yah, I hear you justifying your reasons to remain his friend, to help him, and you dont want to let your romantic feelings come in the way. It's too late! Stop bs'ing yourself and look at the situation objectively. This man seems to be vulnerable and confused on what he wants in his life and you are simply adding to the confusion. You are asking him very personal questions with a hidden meaning. You are emotionally invested in his final decision on whether he stays with his wife or not. It's impossible for you to give him unbiased support. I dont know the story behind your divorce, but I imagine there was a lot of pain involved? How can you look at yourself in the mirror knowing you're causing just as much pain to someone else? Leave the MM alone. Like you, he will have support coming out of the ying yang. You are not the only one who can help him, and since you are not, leave him alone.