ConfusedLover Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Hi all, I had posted earlier about my confusion in ending my EMR and had got wonderful responses. I decided that this was the end of it. I had also got some responses on working/focusing on my marriage and was thinking about it... What I wanted to share with you was that I do love my H a lot and never stopped loving him even thru my affair. It is just that the excitement and thrill is missing in my marriage of 14 years, which is probably why I responded positively to MM's chase. I must admit that H is not an enthusiastic partner in bed. He is otherwise very loving and caring . I have tried gently telling him that I am not so satisfied and while he would try for a couple of times, and then we would fall back to the routine. Other than this, he is a wonderful hubby and he thinks I am a wonderful wife too. Another aspect here is that I love MM very much. Right now, if he calls me, I am going to tell him that I am ending this A, but the fact remains that I have not stopped loving him. I feel sad that this has to end this way...When I read about people continuing in affairs for years, as loving supporters of each other, I cant help wondering why we couldn't have done the same.... We were clear right from day one and even during the chase that we were not going to leave our marriages. So why couldn't we continue just that way, simply enjoying ourselves... Now the question is should I just force myself to stop loving MM. He definitely doesnt know how much pain I am going thru and even if he does, he would only distance himself as he is so afraid of emotional closeness (he once had an A which almost threatened his M). So I don't intend to tell him at all. Will this anyway die automatically? Will I be able to love him and be strong about ending the A?
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 1. Now the question is should I just force myself to stop loving MM. 2. He definitely doesnt know how much pain I am going thru and even if he does, he would only distance himself as he is so afraid of emotional closeness (he once had an A which almost threatened his M). 3. So I don't intend to tell him at all. 4. Will this anyway die automatically? 5. Will I be able to love him and be strong about ending the A? 1. Yes, definitely. It sounds pretty one sided anyway if he is "afraid" of emotional closeness. 2. I expect even if he knew he wouldn't really care. His main concern is dodging the Dday bullet. Best to keep your pain to yourself. 3. Good idea. 4. Only if you go to 'no contact' with him. No new contacts = no new hurts. With time (not seeing or hearing from him), your feelings for him will fade. 5. Be strong and tell him that while you care for him, you care too much and that you have to end the affair now and would prefer that you two have no contact until you can get your head and heart together. So why couldn't we continue just that way, simply enjoying ourselves... Because there is nothing simple about one sided affairs - when one falls in love and the other distances it is no longer a matter of just 'enjoying ourselves'. It becomes a matter of pain and hurt when the feelings are unrequited.
outofdarkness Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 I am the W of a 10+ year cheater. I have a thread on this forum about loving the OW/M AND WH...You mabey should take a look at it. A got alot of great responses, and they helped me tremdously to understand the whole A thing and feelings involved, etc..Regarding why you all could not just continue the A and keep things the way they were, you are so lucky that it has ended! A's are full of lies and deceit and everyone involved ends up getting hurt. You can minimize the hurt by ending it earlier. The main OW in our lives was just as hurt and broken as I was when she found out that he had cheated on HER...If you can call it that...Long term affairs, I am afraid, run into the same maladies as marriages. Things get complicated and sort of hum drum...It's hard to continue to nurture and care for the relationship simply because of the nature of it. A's are secretive and deceptive...How can a relationship like this grow and stay healthy! I understand that you love him, but you really don't want to be with someone who treats you that way, do you? Regarding the thrill missing in your 14 year old marriage; My H and I have been married for 20 years with two teenagers...ANY relationship, and marriage is definately not exempt, takes alot of work to keep healthy...The sizzle may fizzle some, but you can have that again thru MC and making time for yourselves...Will is be the way it was when you honeymooned? No, you can't ever totally recapture that feeling, but you can nourish a new and mabey even more exciting marriage/sex life. Communication is the key, and you all probrably need to learn some new skills. Most MC's can help you with this. Also, some men don't think about satisfying the W as much as others. This is not being considerate of your feelings and needs to be addressed. Mabey he needs IC? Does your H know about your A..If not, I'll be he suspects..That can really put a damper on a marriage! Believe me, you do NOT want a long term affair! Everyone gets so hurt.. Good luck and blessings.
Author ConfusedLover Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 I know, outofdarkness, I know...I have read your other posts. Believe me, before this relationship, I had never thought that I would get into an A. I very clearly remember yelling at MM (when he was hitting on me) about trust and how he was breaking his wife's trust even though she may never know about it. I really love my H and one part of me is glad that I dont have to live this deception any more. But that thrill of being chased, being told that I am gorgeous, knowing someone is just waiting for morning to talk to me...that is something one misses - it may be wrong, but the feeling is wonderful. Even now it brings a smile to my lips when I think of those days. What makes my resolve to end this stronger is that the thrill, I will never get back. Just like the sizzle in my marriage, here too it has fizzled out. I know MM is never going to call me with the same passion. As for the q if my H knows - no he doesnt. I am a good wife, I am not pretending to live a farce with him. I truly love him. And if you had read my earlier post, you would know that it is really my A that is a farce. I last met MM in August. I last spoke to him last monday for a few seconds when he called to say that he was cancelling our date. Well, logically, I ought to be very angry with MM. I was last week. I am not angry, now. I dont understand why I still love him. I dont understand why I still think of him fondly and I definitely dont know how to throw him out of my mind. What is worse, I dont know if I should do it...I dont feel like stopping. I dont know why I dont feel like. Only one thing I am clear is that I am not going to bed with him anymore. And LB, I am definitely not telling him I care for him too much. In fact the opposite... The relationship is actually in a limbo...he hasnt called and I havent called. No agreements of NC either...may be it is ego. Ego and self-protection from my side atleast. So my decision is that IF he calls and IF he raises the subject of date, then I will tell him that I am ending it because I dont feel that way any more. But my stupid lil heart...it still beats for him
Ladyjane14 Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 When I read about people continuing in affairs for years, as loving supporters of each other, I cant help wondering why we couldn't have done the same.... I can't imagine how splitting yourself between two men wouldn't be detrimental to your marriage. Sure... you get your ENs (emotional needs) met. Afterall, you've got TWO guys to do the job. Same thing for MM, he's got TWO women to meet his ENs. Your husband, on the other hand, is only getting half a woman. Eventually, the struggle to get his needs met will wear him out. Extra-marital affairs starve the primary relationship of romantic energy. You and MM are both having your need for romance met outside the marriage. You might think what your husband is getting is enough... but if it's not 100%, it's not going to cut it for the long haul. The equation for happy marriage isn't 50/50. It's 100/100. It's successful when you each prioritize your partner's ENs as if they were your own. Having an EMR can in no way accomplish that goal, because it cheats your partner of the 100% effort he needs from you. Forget about MM. I read your other thread and he's a turd. KHLF is right. He chased you down, got what he wanted, and now he's treating you like a booty call.
outofdarkness Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 you apparently have your mind made up...I was only trying to help...not bashing..I will stay off of this thread..sorry
Author ConfusedLover Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 No OOD, you got me wrong..I really thank you for your post. All I was trying to say was that - yes, I know what is right and what is not, atleast as per the societal rules and I am trying to get out of the "detrimental" relationship or whatever is left of it. But you know what, while the going was good, my M was also better than ever. All my joy I was also transferring to my home life. I was more giving and loving, even in bed and it was effortless. Even now, I have decided to end it, not because of moral compulsions or guilt, but because I dont like the way I am treated. yes LJ, my ENs were being met. It is like eating out. You dont have to cook and clean, you get tasty food and you return home feeling good. Now I have decided that I wont eat out, not because it is bad for my health, but because the food is not tasty anymore. The side benefit is that my health will improve.
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