buzzie2 Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 My bf is the owner of a small cafe in the city I live in. He also is the chef of the cafe. He employs three waitresses; one full time and two part time. I've been hearing from one of the part time waitresses who is also a good friend that he will scream and holler at them if they screw up an order right in front of all the customers. She told me that one time he threw something and yelled "how many times do I have to show you this"! She said he also says they are all "stupid women". One time I went in for a coffee and my bf made a snide comment about one of his waitresses incompetance and said loudly "this is what I put up with EVERY day." I also went in once to talk to one of my friends who waitresses for him part time and he yelled "no talking when you're working"! He shouldnt have got mad at my friend I was the one talking to her! I was so embarrassed for me and her I left. All the customers heard too. My concern is if he has this much anger at work he would eventually turn it on me. Should I get out or give him another chance?
kjl933 Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 Well, if they had it coming....... Hey, it is an incredibly stressful job to run a small business. Whether he eats or goes hungry literally depends on his people getting it right and customers coming back. Toss in a job seekers market (meaning he is having a tough time getting good help) and you cannot afford to let anyone go, so you just deal with it as best (or maybe not so best) as you can. If he fires them, he has unemployment, if they quit, he does not have that bill to worry about. Now toss in the fact that his GF is coming into his work and talking to her friend on his dime. Both the GF and the employee should have known better. And, now that his employee is a BFF of the GF, there is an added amount of stress there for sure! Is the business solvent? Doing ok? If not, maybe you can help out part time for no money? Might ease up on the stress. As to being worried--don't be. Most people are different animals at home than they are at work. Art Critic ought to be able to chime in here as well
alphamale Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 Should I get out or give him another chance? he should hire some competent waitresses who know what they are doing. if his behaviour with the new waitress is the same then he is the problem, not them...
johan Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 You can learn quite a bit about someone by observing how they respond to pressure. I don't think it's a very attractive trait in anyone to justify acting like a raging assh*le just because things aren't going your way. It would be reassuring if he acknowledged that his behavior is pretty bad and that he shouldn't be treating people like that. It would be even more reassuring if he started looking for ways to get rid of this habit. If this is what owning a business turns him into, then he may not be cut out for being a proprietor. You spoke of leaving him, which I think it pretty drastic. He hasn't acted this way toward you, I assume. If you want to be a good mate, then you should help him figure this out. Not just abandon him.
rainfall Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 I'm sorry but there is no reason what so ever they he should be treating his employees this way. If they suck and do a bad job then fire them. If the boss treats employees crappy them they aren't going to care about what kind of job they do for him. Why should they work their butt off to make crappy pay where they can hardly pay their bills to help out someone who treats them like dirt? Maybe if he treated his employees with the respect they deserve then they would care about whether or not they do a good job for him.
Art_Critic Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 You could apply for a job there and that should let ya know what he is like.. It sounds to me that he is over extended and stressed out..and doesn't delegate enough of his responsibilities Not only is he the owner.. but the chef and he also hires and fires.. All bet he also orders supplies and pays all the bills by himself too.. While he shouldn't yell at any employee I don't think you can draw a line from what happens at work to home and how he will treat you.. If he continues to scream at the people that do the work for him he will lose all the people he hires They are different animals.. so to speak... Although.. I have been guilty of letting work stress drift into a relationship before.. I was working a real tough deadline on a nationwide campaign and was working 90 hours a week for 3 months and took some of my stress out on someone I loved.. it was a big mistake... Why don't you talk to him and see if he can do some stress relieving.. no caffeine.. exercise and no decongestants helped me a lot as well as cutting back on the work hours..
CrushedOrgans Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 You can learn quite a bit about someone by observing how they respond to pressure. I don't think it's a very attractive trait in anyone to justify acting like a raging assh*le just because things aren't going your way. um yeah...and yelling at the servers in front of customers is so unprofessional anyway, so that's not helping. i would never go back to a place if i saw this happen, and i would make sure he knew it and why. your boyfriend sounds like he needs some help with this problem. i am just not sure what.
Author buzzie2 Posted October 22, 2006 Author Posted October 22, 2006 Yeah- I think he's already lost some customers because of his outbursts. I talked to one guy who used to be one of the regulars and he refuses to go in anymore because of how my bf treats his waitresses.
Touche Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 It's only a question of time before his true colors are shown to you. Sorry, but I don't agree with those who say that you can separate how one is in one part of their life from another. One's true character is the same no matter what the setting or situation. One's basic character doesn't change from situation to situation..sorry. If I were dating someone who treated others like that (even if he didn't treat me like that yet) I'd leave. It's a HUGE red flag in my experience. So how long are you with this guy anyway?
Author buzzie2 Posted October 22, 2006 Author Posted October 22, 2006 I've been with him for about 4 months now. I've actually seen sides of him outside of his work too that seem troubling to me. One time he yelled at me and said I wasnt listening to him. I think Touche is right- that the way he acts at work will eventually spill out on me and it should be a red flag.
Art_Critic Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 Yeah- I think he's already lost some customers because of his outbursts. I talked to one guy who used to be one of the regulars and he refuses to go in anymore because of how my bf treats his waitresses. This is a toughie.. because he treats you just fine then in reality it isn't your business.. Asking/Telling him about something that happens at his work without first hand knowledge is in a way stepping over the line.. If you had witnessed these outbursts yourself then you should talk to him about them. You can talk with him about the one outburst that you have witnessed... But you are in a relationship with him and only want good things to happen to him.. certainly him losing customers isn't a good sign. If I were you I would talk with him about it without talking about what others have seen and only work with the first hand knowledge that you have seen.. See if you can get him to admit that he is stressed out and needs some sort of help..
Walk Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 His behavior is... wow.. I don't even have words to express my feelings. Inexcusable would be one.. Rude. Stupid. Mostly stupid. No offense to you, buzzie...but your bf won't have a business for long anyway so it won't matter. Not unless he's financially so well off that he'd never have to actually earn revenue. But I've owned a couple small business in my past, and those "stupid women" he has to put up with are the face of his business. If they are actually as stupid as he claims, then he needs to hire competent employee's. However, I highly doubt their stupid or incompentent. First lesson in business is that your employee's will break you if they're unhappy. either through constant turnover, or employee theft, poor customer service, ect. Without them, a business is nothing. Second.. No matter how stressed out I was while running two business, I NEVER would have disrespected a fellow human being in such a way. I have fired my share of employee's, and had no hesitation to get ride of a bad employee. But I would never be so demeaning as the way you describe your bf. To me, it is an inherient part of who I am. I don't look down on those who work below me. Just because their position in life isn't at the top of the dung heap doesn't mean I have a right to insult them or call them derogatory names. And that's a very fundamental outlook on life. This is me to the core of my being. Not just how I act "in the business world", but how I behave and think in all situations. From work to social life. I don't think this is something that can be seperated out from business and social. I think he'll treat you well as long as he see's you as an equal... but the moment you drop below that, you'll be insulted and talked down to too. I would dump him... but mostly because I refuse to attach myself to someone who could potentially see his behavior as acceptable. And also because (I'm assuming) he isn't willing to see the error in his actions. Feels he's above critizism or reproach. And I seriously can't deal with people who think their **** doesn't stink like the rest of ours does.
Art_Critic Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 I've actually seen sides of him outside of his work too that seem troubling to me. One time he yelled at me and said I wasnt listening to him. Well there you go.. you have the reason to have a talk with him about it.. His reaction to you addressing him should be a signal to if it is a red flag or not..
Touche Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 I've been with him for about 4 months now. I've actually seen sides of him outside of his work too that seem troubling to me. One time he yelled at me and said I wasnt listening to him. I think Touche is right- that the way he acts at work will eventually spill out on me and it should be a red flag. I'm so sorry, Buzzie but I think you already knew this in your heart. Give it another few months if you want but I wouldn't. He will turn his verbal abuse on you. I can't believe after four months he yelled at you. The more time goes by the less he'll be able to control himself with you. I'd get out now. I hate to say that, I really do but better now than later when it gets worse. And I have zero doubt that it WILL get worse. Oh and "talking to him" won't help.
Art_Critic Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 But I would never be so demeaning as the way you describe your bf. To me, it is an inherient part of who I am. I don't look down on those who work below me. Just because their position in life isn't at the top of the dung heap doesn't mean I have a right to insult them or call them derogatory names. Here here.. good post walk... One of the first rules I employ is that I work with my employees and not over them.. Side by side....
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