Guest Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 Hi there, I have been thinking for a long time whether to post my situation or not but I really don't know what to do anymore. Can't really talk to my friends or family because either say hate my ex-boyfriend for what he did or are just fed up with me still wanting him back. First of all I know I should leave him and move on. I am not stupid and I know eventually it would be the best for me BUT there is something so much stronger than common sense: My love for this man. I met him 2 years ago and because we worked together we had time to get to know each other. I really started to like him and I always felt he liked me too. In Feb last year he tried it on with me but I was too shy to admit that I liked him too. I missed my chance. A month later he had a girlfriend and I was devastated. I was so much in shock that one day I just went to him and told him how I fellt. Of course it was too late. As I would never break up anyone's relationship I thought I try to be his friend because I didn't want to lose him. After a long time of making efforts he finally opened up to me. I helped him through his break-up and a month later, in Feb this year he finally developed feelings for me. Went on a few dates and became really close. It was amazing to be with him! The problem was that he became my boss and as we both are very similar characters we started fighting a lot at work which was a big strain on our relationship and on top I hated that we had to keep everything in the dark. Nobody at work knew about us and even he never refered to me as his girlfriend. I suppose I was only his rebound. After two montsh we finally broke up. He completely ignored me at work, only spoke business with me. Then when I finally couldn't deal with the situation anymore I sent him a letter saying that I want us to be normal at work and that I will respect his decision. He said he felt suffocated by me because I asked him over and over again where I stood. The weird thing is that the last few words I wrote were that I will always be there for him should he ever get in trouble. Two days later he got in trouble. Serious trouble! He was accused of raping a girl and he turned to me for help and as promised I was there for him. Helped him to cope, to find a lawyer and to get back on track. This situation made him open up. We started to see each other again and I think this whole issue made him realise that I really do care no matter if I can be his girlfriend or just a friend but after a month he started dating a new co-worker. The went out, slept with each other, became girl/boyfriend and she moved in with him. He didn't tell me about her. Just said we have to finish our "relationship". I found out myself what was going on. Confronted him and tried to make him believe that even though he is the love of my life that I can't make him love me and offered him a friendship. He was so happy about it and we really got on well from that moment. After two weeks he cheated on her with me. I know it was wrong but I thought he would come back to me and just couldn't resist him. We spent every single free minute together. Then she broke up with him because she thought she doesn't love him enough. Fancied someone else. He went crazy! Wanted her back at any cost. Did everything to win her back but she didn't want. I even spoke to her becaue no matter what in the end I wanted him to be happy but she didn't want to give their relationship another chance. After a while, I was only a good friend we started dating again and it was wonderful. Then I thought something is wrong. I had a really strange gut feeling. She wanted him back! Got in touch with him and he took her back but at that stage I had implemented feelings inside him. I wanted to end everything between me and him. Didn't want to be second best or a back-up. He begged me not to leave him. I broke up. He came back and tried to change my mind. Mentally he was mine somehow but there was his ex who he still really liked. They started dating again. Made it official and I tried to be a friend but I knew I had to move on. Begging wouldn't bring him back to me. So I started seeing this other guy who always liked me a lot but he couldn't deal with this situation. He was so jealous although I was the one who got rejected in the first place. He had his girlfriend and could keep me as a friend but ....he always said he loves me but can't be with me whatever that means? ... Then last week I made it clear that there won't be any kissing or coming to my place late at night anymore and that he has to respect that I am seeing other guys. He wrote me an email saying that he can't handle this change and that he feels so jealous of me doing stuff with other man. He did end our friendship or better what was left. ... I would let go but I still (maybe I am mad) feel that he genuinely loves me but maybe loves her too and because he never got his closure with her needed to give them a second chance. When they made their relationship official I didn't speak with him for two weeks. Then we saw each other. He hugged me, didn't let me go anymore. Told me over and over again how much he missed me and that he was constantly thinking about me. We didn't have sex that evening but we kissed and nothing was about just sleeping with each other. He really just wanted to be with me at least for a few ours. He almost cried....then he asked me if I will see this other man again and I said yes. He screamed at me and went home. The problem is that every time when we fight, we scream and end everything but there is or was a bond between each other which always got us back on track. We never couldn't let go but last Thursday he did. Maybe he is just playing a mind game with me because this email didn't come out of the blue. I sent him one on Thursday morning saying that I just need a few days for myself and he finished our friendship! I know I can't run after him as I don't want him back this way. I want him to be a proper boyfriend and I thought the only way to win him is to let him go. He needs to do what is feels right for him now and to be fair there is his girlfriend who I have to respect as well but why is he ending our friendship now. Is he really in love with me and just doesn't admit it to himself or did he just look for the perfect opportunity to dump me for good? Please give me your advice! What shall I do know? I know I can't contact him for a while. He needs to miss me but will he and what if he will never get in touch with me again? Thank you for reading all this. (Moderator's Note: The above post was divided into paragraphs from a massive blob of gray type.)
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