jonger Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 Well being a 35male, divorced for almost 6 years now I thought that I finally had found "the one".. Started dating "K" about 4 months ago and from the beginning we hit it off like we knew each other for years. Things were always glossy and shiny, never a conflict and hey we even talked about the future. I started opening up emotions that since my divorce I was unable to completely give to any woman that I have dated over the past few years. Every relationship left me feeling "empty".. This woman made me feel more alive inside than I had ever felt before (even more than when with ex-wife) A few weeks back one evening she says "this is not working out" I was heartbroken... she calls 2 days later and we are back together.. Life was good. @ weeks after that she calls me one evening and says yet again "This is not going to work out" this time it was over.. We talked and cried many times in the coming days after that evening.. Needless to say I hat the bottle hard for the 1st week and realized that drinking is not going to fix anything. But there is so much pain inside.. We saw each other the other evening for dinner, we talked, we cried we kissed as passionatly as we did when we were together, I seriously thought things were on the mend.. She later tells me she knew it was the last time she was going to see me thats why she was so emotional.. Yesterday she sends me a long email apologizing about a few things and one thing she wrote really confused the heck out of me.. "I mean from the bottom of my heart that I do love you. But, I just don’t think that our love is equal for each other and that’s not fair to you. You deserve someone who is going to love you back the way that you love them. I think we both learned a lot about ourselves in this relationship. I don’t regret one minute of it – but I do regret hurting you. Maybe I’m not ready for such an intense relationship." She loves me? this makes no sense.. Granted we were both full speed ahead with our talking when we dated (she is also 35) but with no warning sign the does a full 360? She said that there is no one else, which I honestly believe her.. But why all of a sudden does she just get all weird.. she could have simply said when we are together "lets go slower" and I would have been more than happy to do so. The one time I am finally able to give my heart to someone fully with no fears I get crushed.. I keep trying to talk to her about how foolish this is but I fear the more I say the more aggravated she will become. Now I am riddled with not eating well, crying, lack of motovation in anything I do, sleepless nights, panic attacks (not fun) and being nauseous all the time.. I believe she is just scared but I don't want to push her farther away than she already is... Plus I am getting sick over this. help?
Author jonger Posted October 22, 2006 Author Posted October 22, 2006 As every day passes I am NOT feeling any better, just more confused...
magichands Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 I believe she is just scared but I don't want to push her farther away than she already is I'm really sorry, but it does seem as if she just isn't sure about you. You're not making her giddy enough. And, like you said, trying harder is almost certainly not going to work. I don't know what else to say. Maybe there is something there about you "rushing" your relationships, but that is purely subjective.
johan Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 Hey, man. Sorry to hear about this. You asked a lot of "why" questions. If anyone knows why, it's her, and there's a good chance even she doesn't know why. In the end, "why" doesn't matter, because it won't change anything. And maybe having a true understanding of why would just cause you to spend more time beating yourself up over some supposed failures or inadequacies on your part. You can't do that too much, or you'll just delay your recovery. "Being not all that into me" probably doesn't show up anywhere on your list of desirable traits for a sweetheart. So this one disqualified herself. Some other woman will value the things this one didn't. It's nothing to do with you. You did your best.
magichands Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 "Being not all that into me" probably doesn't show up anywhere on your list of desirable traits for a sweetheart. So this one disqualified herself. Some other woman will value the things this one didn't. It's nothing to do with you. You did your best. Absolutely.
Ssheena Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 Hey, I'm feeling for you too. I know it's hard after being divorced and then getting back out there. I was so hesitant with my heart and then when I finally met someone I fell in love with he didn't feel the same way about me. At least it proved to myself that I could trust and fall in love again. It's not easy at all. I guess it is just good that she was honest with you (if she is being honest). I hate having panic attacks and not being able to sleep and what's the worst, imho, waking up in the middle of the night and immediately thinking about her/him. I wish you all the best.
magichands Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 Hey, I'm feeling for you too. I know it's hard That's disgusting. I hate having panic attacks and not being able to sleep and what's the worst, imho, waking up in the middle of the night and immediately thinking about her/him. I've been there too. Not a good feeling. But you're absolutely right - there is nothing to learn from this experience except that you can't trust them with your love. The trick is to keep your heart open for when the right person comes along.
Author jonger Posted October 22, 2006 Author Posted October 22, 2006 Yea I think the hardest thing is that after the divorce I had a slew of "empty" relationships.. This one "heartbreak" went like a supernova too fast and too bright.. I know she is being honest about there not being someone else. But I just still am very puzzled on how one day things are fine, and the next it is not.. Her telling me she loves me is probably the thing that is hurting the most. At least I know I can feel "Love" again, but I am just afraid to open up to anyone again.
magichands Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 Her telling me she loves me is probably the thing that is hurting the most. Tell her you love her like a sister. That should shut her up.
Rudy Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 Jonger, Was there anything else going on in her life that would take away from the relationship? Has this person been married before? If so, does she have children? Has this person had a relationship in recent past that did not work out? If so, was it abusive? I am just trying to get a better idea so maybe I can offer some advice.
shawn_68 Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 The one time I am finally able to give my heart to someone fully with no fears I get crushed.. I keep trying to talk to her about how foolish this is but I fear the more I say the more aggravated she will become. I've been in a situation almost EXACTLY to yours. I believe it could be one of two things, or more than likely a combination of both. 1. Things moved too quickly. I've learned that the best relationships move slowly. Never give your heart fully to a woman after such a short period of time. 4 months is not enough time to know whether or not she is "the one." Not enough time. But I've been there too. And my guess is that it is the biggest factor in failed relationships within the early "courting" stage. At 4 months you should just focus on having fun, enjoying one another's company, and moving at a comfortable pace. Leave the pressures of "future talk" for later. 2. She probably has unresolved relationship "issues" from the past. We have this ability to push unresolved feelings away to make us feel better. The problem is that sooner or later they surface again. And at her age it is very likely that she has issues of the past that haunt. And they will take lots of time to heal. Learn to see the warning signs and let your heart be cautious. I've also been where you are at now. Not being able to eat, sleep, or function as your regular self. This just takes time and distance between you two. Take the necessary time for this to heal properly. Don't look for any quick fixes. There are none. Reading and giving advice on LS does help, along with many other things. Stay away from relationships for a while. The very worst thing you can do is bring your hurt into another's life -- and compound your own. You're going to have to be accustomed to being with YOU again. Find happiness and contentment in being alone. Only then can you offer another a healthy relationship. One other thing. Quit trying to "convince" her of anything. Her mind is made up at this point and there's nothing you can do. Save both of yourselves a lot of stress and aggravation but just leaving it alone. Leave on peaceful terms and walk away.
Author jonger Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 Was there anything else going on in her life that would take away from the relationship? Has this person been married before? If so, does she have children? Has this person had a relationship in recent past that did not work out? If so, was it abusive? No she was never married, no children, he last realtionship she was cheated on... and as far as she told me there were never any really serious relationships in her life before.
Author jonger Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 One other thing. Quit trying to "convince" her of anything. Her mind is made up at this point and there's nothing you can do. Save both of yourselves a lot of stress and aggravation but just leaving it alone. Leave on peaceful terms and walk away. The only question I have at hand at the moment is that her birthday is this upcoming Thursday, we had such great plans which I know obviously are scrapped.. Do you think the decent thing to do is at least mail her a Birthday card just to show that I am not bitter over this whole mess..?
gfto Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 A few weeks back one evening she says "this is not working out" Translation: "I am no longer interested in you." As soon as she said this, you should have smiled and said, "ya know, I agree; I'm just not feeling a spark here," and then walked out and disappeared. Yesterday she sends me a long email apologizing about a few things and one thing she wrote really confused the heck out of me.. "I mean from the bottom of my heart that I do love you. But, I just don’t think that our love is equal for each other and that’s not fair to you. You deserve someone who is going to love you back the way that you love them. I think we both learned a lot about ourselves in this relationship. I don’t regret one minute of it – but I do regret hurting you. Maybe I’m not ready for such an intense relationship." Allow me to clear up the confusion. It's a massive, steaming pile of BS, which means "I am not interested in you; there's no spark for me and there never will be." The next time she tells you she loves you, tell her your date from last night said the same thing to you at breakfast.
Rudy Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 I, like Shawn, have been in this exact situation.....twice. Like you, everything was going great with no hint of any problems or issues until the bomb was dropped on me as well. The first, she cared for me as a person but her caring was not one that she saw her future with me. The second decided she just did not want a relationship with me. Going through this once is once too many. Twice is unbearable. I can tell you what helped me in hopes that it will help you as well. First, do not contact her under any circumstances (birthday included). This will give you time to heal as well as give her the space she obviously wants. The time away from you may make her realize you mean more to her. If it doesn't, know that each day it gets a little better. Do NOT stay at home or at least keep your time at home sitting around to a minimum. Get out, with friends, family, anybody. WORKOUT!!! This did wonders for me. It relieved stress, anger, hurt, frustration, confusion, etc, etc. Read posts on this site. There is some wonderful advice here. Lastly, don't give up on love. Remember, the next one did not hurt you and you will never know what is truly possible unless you give it an honest chance. There is nothing wrong with taking things slow, but you have to give it a chance. Best of luck to you!!!!
D-Lish Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Okay, the fact that she was cheated on in her last relationship may have a lot to do with how she is reacting. I was cheated on by my husband- and although that was more than a couple years ago- i still have difficulty trusting people. I dated lightly following the divorce- then had two more serious relationships...but I couldn't give my complete heart to those men. One of those men had his heart broken because he was ready and I just bring myself to love him- and the next one got so frustrated with my ambivelence that he gave up and distanced himself from me. SO- I know where someone is at when a cheating spouse or boyfriend affects you in such a way that you hide your heart from good guys. Unfortunately- this is her problem, her issue. You can't internalize it and make it your own. And you can't wait around and expect her to come around too quickly or easily. She may look back after this and regret her decision- in fact I am sure she will. But for the time being you have to move on and act as if it is over. That means no contact- no matter how desperate you feel. She probably doesn't have answers herself at this moment... but it sounds like she is taking time to find those answers. Let her do that- and when she does, either you'll still be open to allowing her back into your life, or you will have recovered and moved on with someone new. there is no magic wand or words you can say to win someone over when they are in this state of flux and confusion. Try the NC route. At the very least it till give you some closure on the matter. Oh, and don't send b-day cards or anything like that...you play your hand too much when you reach out and show you still care. You kinda have to start prtending you don't care at this point to evoke some emotion in her. When you're not there for her- it will force her to wonder where that "great guy" went. D-Lish
Author jonger Posted November 3, 2006 Author Posted November 3, 2006 Its weird.. we talked on the phone the other evening.. She says that we should not talk, and its not going to work out, yet she called me.. she ends the conversation with "I Love You" nothing like a little confusion to break away at a month of trying to heal and deal with all of this. J
D-Lish Posted November 3, 2006 Posted November 3, 2006 That's more than confusion- it's a little manipulative. She wants you to pine for her, but she tells you it won't work out... oh, but she loves you. So, what she's doing is inhibiting you from moving on. You have to have no contact... it's the only way to move on. It's the only way you're going to heal.. by treating this as being over. She shouldn't have called, that wasn't fair to stir you up that way. Sorry you're going through this. D
Recommended Posts