PurpleAngel Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 I am a little confused at the moment; I am trying to work out what is going on in my marriage. My husband constantly feel trapped in his life, this is not new, I did once thing that getting married might bring him some happiness and he might stop feeling so sad. He says he has always chosen the 'responsible' thing but he says this as though doing this has brought him great sadness? I try very much to support him, not make him feel further sadness, but I am not perfect. Lately I wonder where we are going. Part of me doesn’t was his sadness to affect me and I fight this too, but inevitable it does affect me. I don’t know how to help or how to encourage him to help himself. I have suggested he speak with someone but he says he doesn’t need someone to tell him how to be happy. He just says he feels like selling up and running away but always says that his unhappiness is not about the relationship - However it is affecting it. He is SOOO dark and angry sometimes, no patience for anything. Its sooo sad to me. I just with I could see him smile and be happy. I know it’s up to him. Yesterday we organised a friend’s catch-up, and he invited a colleague from work, a lady and her partner. It was quite apparent that this lady and her partner are not in a good way. I am surprised they are still together, anyway I watched my husband pay so much attention to her, he was so kind and sweet, like he was to me. I try not to feel jelouse, and I know there is nothing going on NOW, but my instinct is sensing their connection, I think even her partner saw it. OF COURSE this could all be my imagination!!! I feel as though I am losing him. The strange thing is I know he loves me, but dunno, something is missing.. What is it??? DO you know the feeling you get when you love someone and you know that no matter what you do it is never enough.. You are just you, you can’t change or be different.. and you know that maybe just maybe you are not enough anymore, or maybe ever. Just to give you a bit of background, we are BIG on communicating, but I don’t even think that is working right now. We have been married 2 years, he is 34 I am 29. I am not sure what to do, or what really is the reality of the situation.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 Try marriage counseling. You are right about there's only so much that you can do to make the other person happy. And if you've only been married 2 years... that's really bad news.
Author PurpleAngel Posted October 22, 2006 Author Posted October 22, 2006 Try marriage counseling. You are right about there's only so much that you can do to make the other person happy. And if you've only been married 2 years... that's really bad news. What is bad news? The fact that this is happening?
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 What is bad news? The fact that this is happening? Yes. If you've only been married 2 years, he shouldn't be "interested" in any other woman than you or telling you that he feels "trapped". I would trust your gut instinct on this. Try MC and really encourage him to talk about what is displeasing him. If it's the "new flavor" that he's missing... well, there isn't much you can do about that. But he can learn to "settle down" if he chooses to do so.
Sand&Water Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 PurpleAngel, The truth -and there isn't a good way to say this -is that your husband is suffering from depression. Not surprisingly, perhaps even clinical depression. His mind and thoughts, right now, are intensely intertwined, distorted, crushed, and black as coal. He can't function at optimum level. He withdraws from simple to complex acitivities/events/functions. He may seem, fully functional as any human being -talking, laughing, engaging in normal/intellectual conversations -but it isn't so clear. It is most likely, he is faking -putting on a show, for others. In reality, his internal attention is elsewhere. He wants to escape the darkness he built for himself. It scares him so much, that it is paralyzing his thoughts, emotions, and physical movements. I don’t know how to help or how to encourage him to help himself. You can't help him. The help you provide him, will not do any good. Since you are his spouse, your "help" will only interfere, hurt, and dazzle him. He needs professional counselling. He is SOOO dark and angry sometimes, no patience for anything. This is more evidence to support that he is suffering from depression -his disillusional state. He was never happy, in his life, before he married you. His marriage, only further confined him to everlasting sadness. The mistake, his did, was marry a woman before ever seeking help and managing to set himself straight. He was lost before; and he is lost now. I'm sorry. Hope, I provided you with some insight. I'm neither labelling, nor discriminating your husband. This is just my honest opinion. I'm not a professional. Regards, Sand&Water
Leikela Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 Keep in tune with yourself and your instincts! They are NEVER wrong!! It's quite possible that your husband see's this woman in a different light. It's sounds like your husband is clinically depressed and DOES need help. It was probably the "high" of your relationship that helped him but the honeymoon never lasts. Once reality comes crashing down, he's back to square one. Perhaps this woman is arousing his neurons and the prospect of a new relationship is what is intriguing him. The bottom line is that your husband needs counseling. There is not much that you can do. If communicating is not helping, then more drastic measures have to be taken. Maybe you need to put a stipulation on your marriage that if he doesn't go for counseling, you'll need to reevaluate where your marriage is going and maybe staying together is not a good idea. I wish the best for you!
Author PurpleAngel Posted October 22, 2006 Author Posted October 22, 2006 You are both correct, I also believe my husband suffers from Depression. The problem I face is that naturally I cannot 'make' him see someone, yes I can give him an ultimatum, but of course this is a scary thing to decide to do. Something I might need to sit with for a while and think over. I love my husband very much, this is a very scary time for me. I wonder if there is another way to encourage him to see someone without the ultimatum? thanks for your words.
Mary3 Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 PurpleAngel, The truth -and there isn't a good way to say this -is that your husband is suffering from depression. Not surprisingly, perhaps even clinical depression. His mind and thoughts, right now, are intensely intertwined, distorted, crushed, and black as coal. He can't function at optimum level. He withdraws from simple to complex acitivities/events/functions. He may seem, fully functional as any human being -talking, laughing, engaging in normal/intellectual conversations -but it isn't so clear. It is most likely, he is faking -putting on a show, for others. In reality, his internal attention is elsewhere. He wants to escape the darkness he built for himself. It scares him so much, that it is paralyzing his thoughts, emotions, and physical movements. You can't help him. The help you provide him, will not do any good. Since you are his spouse, your "help" will only interfere, hurt, and dazzle him. He needs professional counselling. This is more evidence to support that he is suffering from depression -his disillusional state. He was never happy, in his life, before he married you. His marriage, only further confined him to everlasting sadness. The mistake, his did, was marry a woman before ever seeking help and managing to set himself straight. He was lost before; and he is lost now. I'm sorry. Hope, I provided you with some insight. I'm neither labelling, nor discriminating your husband. This is just my honest opinion. I'm not a professional. Regards, Sand&Water Absolutely stunning advice !
Guest Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 i've known for a long time the ex knows this i've offered support, unconditional love, etc. but the ex is the only one that can do the work just like she told me and i took her advice and did it she's a good teacher she will beat this - just like every other mountain she has climbed and that is the honest truth
Great Gazoo Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 You are both correct, I also believe my husband suffers from Depression. The problem I face is that naturally I cannot 'make' him see someone, yes I can give him an ultimatum, but of course this is a scary thing to decide to do. Something I might need to sit with for a while and think over. I love my husband very much, this is a very scary time for me. I wonder if there is another way to encourage him to see someone without the ultimatum? thanks for your words. Just try to talk with him, not as a wife but as a friend. If your communication is good like you said you should be able to get him to open up some. He probably would like to talk to someone but he just can't see himself sitting with a counselor. I am not a expert but I have had my dark days also. I just don't see the ultimatum getting you anywhere. You can't push him, its a path he has to find on his own, you can only try and guide him to seek help.
Leikela Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 In a situation where their marriage is falling apart, sometimes an ultimatum is the last ditch effort. They do work in certain situations. She's obviously not at that point yet, but eventually she may be. Talk with your husband about his childhood. Was he abused emotionally, verbally, physically or sexually? Clinical depression when someone is an adult usually stems from some kind of abuse when they were a child or adolescent. If you already know all the details about his life, then just try and stress how important it is that he talk to someone about it. You can't make him do anything but you can try and convince him that he truly needs help if he wants to be happy again. I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be sooooo scary! I kind of went through something like this before but only with a boyfriend. I gave the ultimatum and he went to counseling and went on drugs. However, he was just so broken, there was no helping him in the long run. It's scary feeling so out of control of your future with someone. Just have faith. Hopefully he'll agree to counseling and believe it or not, meds combined with psychotherapy have a good success rate. It sounds like he will need the meds initially WITH the counseling. That's important. My heart goes out to you.
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