Dazed and disillusioned

[sb129]

I know this is long,but need support advice help, anything!

When I met my ex-boyfriend (X) he was just going through a marriage breakdown and unbeknown to me his wife was pregnant. She says he knew, he says he found out AFTER we got together.

I had just come out of a stormy relationship with a great guy who was just too immature for me.

X and I had chemistry but it could have been "rebound". When he told me about the pregnancy, I had serious doubts that X would still want to be with me after the birth of his child! The week after I found out I had a holiday kiss with someone in Rome. X and I had a very tumultuous, secretive relationship behind his wifes back (they decided to keep child, but divorce & raise him with joint custody) X hated the fact that I had had a few partners before, and was very jealous. We argued about it alot, which I found really odd because X didn't want to tell his wife he had met someone else as he didn't want to upset her while she was pregnant. I can't believe I fell for all this, and carried on seeing him, despite him being present at his son's birth, living with his wife (they were sleeping in separate rooms & this has been confirmed by her too) for a whole YEAR after we first got together. He also didn't tell any of his family or friends about me. Ultimately the strain became 2 much for me & I had a nervous breakdown a year ago. Why i was clinging onto the relationship is beyond me. X's wife also suffered from postnatal depression at around the same time, & he was supporting her & looking after his son. He struggled to cope, took ALOT of his stress out on me, so around xmas 05 I decided I had had enough & split with him.

Following that, he moved out of his wifes house, introduced me to his son, begged me to reconsider, blaming guilt and stress for why he had treated me badly. I did,we got back together. He eventually told his wife about me, and I got on really well with his son. Things were looking up until he found out about the holiday kiss in rome I had at the beginning of our relationship (recap: I had just found out the woman he was still living with & married to was having his child!)

He went crazy, every little argument we had would descend into chaos, & he would accuse me of all sorts of things ranging from promiscuity to selfishness. He got edgy every time I wanted to do something without him, and he became jealous & possessive. In the end I begged him to have counselling because despite all the crap, we had begun to have a really nice relationship, we had lots in common, and I became very close to his son. Once his wife found out, she and I buried the hatchet and it was OK. X even introduced me to his parents (his dad cheated on his mum years ago, and it looks to me that none of the family have ever spoken about it, there is alot of tension in their family and X doesn't have a close relationship with either of his parents)

But this Rome thing really threatened to ruin us when we had been thru SO much.

X DID get counselling. And it seemed to help alot. He admitted to alot of his problems, we started getting on OK. But then he couldn't afford to keep going, so stopped, assuring me that his problems were "fixed".Which was rubbish. WE couldn't even have a minor tiff about things like me wanting to go out with just my girlfriends without it all coming up again. When things were great, they were amazing. But when they were bad, they were AWFUL, and X would bombard me with criticisms and accusations.

I would like to point out here I am no angel, and i would fight back and fling a fair bit of crap back.I have my own demons main one being that i am from a country 19,000 miles from where X and I are currently living, and I miss my family who I have an excellent relationship with. X said if it wasn't for his son he would move there with me, but I would never want him to choose. He was terrified I would just up and leave one day. I was worried that I might have to live in this country forever just to be with him.

 

So... where is this going you ask. X has said some pretty bad things to me over the last two years. He has been edgy, jealous, possessive and judgmental. most of my friends or family struggle to like him due to the amount of times they have had to listen to me crying over him and his temper/ jealousy etc. They think I can do better. I know my mum wants me closer to home but she never says that as she wants me to be happy.

 

In X's favour- he has made quite a big effort to try and change for me. Even getting him to go to two counselling sessions is a big deal. He has tried to make up for the first year of secrecy and lies. He has met lots of my family and friends and tried to apologise to them for putting me through a hard time. He is a WONDERFUL father to his little boy who is now 14mths old and I adore him. (one of his first words after mum and dad was my name). We do get on well, and I love him. Even after everything, I DO love him. He is funny and kind and sweet. We just cannot resolve conflict. So after another argument last week where X insulted my best friend (he apologised to her under duress from me but grumbled about it) I decided I couldn't take anymore, and ended our relationship. (again) Following this after a barrage of insults and emotional manipulation, he has finally admitted he needs help, he loves me can't live without me etc etc. I actually believe that. But I don't know if believe he can change. I supported him thru so much, but I feel my support has run dry because he can't forgive me for having a past, or wanting to spend time with my family/friends. He says he can.

I know he loves me. And i love him. After 2 weeks of being apart he is being the guy I wished all along he is being. He has let me go and lead my life without asking where I am who i am with etc. He agrees we have to break up for now, although he has let me know that he wants to be with me still. I think its very important because by taking him back all the time, I was just allowing him to hurt me again the next time a little tiff turned into a row. It was almost like being an abuse victim. I feel sorry for him in a way because he doesn't have the amazing support network of family and friends that I have. I miss him, and have to remind myself of the bad when i start thinking of the good times. we did have alot of good times. but alot of bad too. I cried so MUCH!

I adore and miss his little boy, but i try not to think about that because he isn't my child, and he is the only innocent player in this whole game.

Anyway. I believe X will sort himself out better without me. He needs to do it for HIM, not me. I still love and care for him deeply. I am missing him like a physical pain sometimes. I need reassurance that I am doing the right thing. Can people ever change? How many chances should you give someone you love?

If you are reading this you are probably exhausted, as am I. I am trying not to contact him, cos I need time out. I am the one pushing for us to be apart, But I still feel so much for him, and wish so much it had turned out differently. My resolve has nearly crumbled a few times and I have nearly gone back to him. If he managed his anger a little better and relaxed, realised how much I love him and got rid of his insecurities, I would take him back in a second. Obviously none of that can be done in a few weeks. How long do I wait, if at all? Advice please!

[magichands]

Following this after a barrage of insults and emotional manipulation, he has finally admitted he needs help, he loves me can't live without me etc etc. I actually believe that.

I believe it too. It's not that easy to find someone that will stick around whilst you abuse them. But is this what you want?

[Guest]

gawd - i really need to read more books because i simply cannot follow a plot well...must be my dyslexiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssss

 

the only part i understood about that post is this:

 

1. two people

2. love

3. one needs time and space for issues

4. one has given that

5. neither have taken in 'real life'

 

who did what to who and when etc. in this story i don't get - maybe i communicate and understand better face to face...i think i [and my ex] always screwed things up using other mediums...just a thought

[sb129]

Is it possible for people to break the cycle of destructive behaviour? I have been thru a phase of SELF destructive behaviour that I got out of, but the only person I was hurting was myself so it was in my best interests.

We are now getting on better than ever, because we aren't together.

But I know he can't have changed in a couple of weeks. He says he will get more help, which hasn't happened yet. I love him and miss him, but am terrified that going back to him will start the cycle off again before he has had time to get help.

[sb129]

Ok, guest.

Yes its long and complicated. I think you are right, at the beginning neither of us took in real life.

And the use of this medium is to get unbiased opinions. I agree with you about face to face. However not alwys possible without arguing.

Now there is a child involved, we have to face real life of course,- but it seems to be me that is OK with letting the past "yousaid she said etc etc" stuff go, and my ex who can't let go of little things that are irrelevant in the big picture. They are the things that are messing up with his head and he takes it out on me.

[Guest]

Well...if This Helps...have Faith Because I Useed To Be That Argue Type As Well....solves Nothing

 

I Really Can't Believe The Change In Me Either Sometimes

 

It's Like, Before I Would Just Snap, Get Lost In My Own Voice, Start Making Decisions That Were Selfish, Brush Things Off Quickly Then Wonder Why The Other Is Still Upset? Silly Me. Its Because I Wasn't Listening - I Went From 0 - 60 With Reactions..interrupt Them, Talk Until They Passed Out...same Theme Over And Over..

What My Depression, Her Behaviour, My Addiction, My Tonix Bubble Mixed Together Did Was Push Everything Up Front So I Could See It

 

Amazing

 

Now, I Catch Myself All The Time...for Example: I Tell Someone I Will Call At 10. Don't, Then When They Call And Say, Why Didn't U Call, Instead Of 'going Off On Them" - I Stop And Think Yah, My Fault, Won't Happen Again

 

Much More Sane Way To Live...and That's Just One Of A Zillion Examples

 

Make Sense? Any Thoughts From Your Side Of The Fence? [oh My! He Listen, Talked, And Asked For My Thoughts! Wtf! Lol]

[sb129]

Well thats very encouraging, thanks for that!

I must admit, I have had pretty volatile moments too- maybe me and my ex were very similar in that way. But I have learnt the "count to ten rule" too- and have learnt when to accept responsibility for my actions and to admit when I am in the wrong. As you say, it is alot saner. I think my ex is a little bit further behind than me in that respect, although I think he is getting there So I know people CAN change, its just a matter of how and when- know this sounds like I am impatient, but I guess I am in a sense.

 

Maybe with a little more time apart to catch our breath and assess what it is we really love about eachother will be good.

 

PS you don't have dyslexia- i confused myself writing that saga- it just all came out and that in itself was therapeutic