akillercrush Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 I know someone already made a post about this in here, but I didn't want to try and get my problem solved within her post, and my problem is slightly different, I guess. Let's see...I'm 18 years old, and my boyfriend, Jeff, is 23. We've been together for a little over 6 months now. Before we started dating, he told me that he had a 7 year old kid, and that he hasn't seen him yet. This didn't bother me at all. I was fine with it. That all changed though. Recently, I'd say within the past month and a half, his baby momma, Becci, gave him a call, saying that she wanted him to come see Shayn, their kid. Jeff told me, and I was fine with it. Becci knows we're together and everything. She's seen pictures of me, as Jeff has one in his car. But the problem? Jeff and Becci. Everytime me and Jeff are together, he gets text messages from Becci asking if he's alone and telling him to call her when he is, or when he thinks I won't trip out. One day, I told Jeff that I think Becci wants him back. He told me she does, but that she knows it will never happen. He kept trying to reassure me that nothing would happen, but I feel so weird about all this. The other night, she called him and asked if he would come over and hook up her computer for her. She wouldn't leave him alone about it, so he went. He called me about 2 hours later, wanting to hang out. I don't know why it would take 2 hours to hook up a computer, but whatever. And lately, he just doesn't seem like himself. I have an issue with not being able to talk about my feelings openly. That's just how I've always been. He knows that. He's been asking me if I'm okay, and I just tell him I'm fine. My friends say I should break up with him, but I can't...I'm so in love with this guy, it's ridiculous. I just feel like I found the one guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, though I do know that I'm still young and have a whole life ahead of me. I don't know what to do, though...Any help would be greatly appreciated.
scammy Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 Don't let this eat you up its not you. Hooking her computer up so the kid can use it? I don't know of any 7 year old using a computer for schoolwork. Hon I know its hard to leave someone you love I was married he cheated and ignored me...for ten years I put up with always being second to everybody... Do yourself a favor...before you drink a fifth of Jack Daniels and roll your car in a cornfield (umm just a random scenario I have never been in your situation;) ) Meet with him tell him that both of you are just in different stages of your life and that you feel it is in your best interest to break off your relationship. Do not agree to be his friend wish him the best of luck and tell him that he will make someone a great partner.Do not tell him what you have posted here he will try to explain his innocence and you will believe him. This guy is manipulating you trust me I suspect he likes being in control and that is why he keeps asking if anything is wrong. That way he can direct the situation with objects to pacify you like (5th of jack Daniels and roses with cards about how much you mean to him, again just a random idea thrown I never dated a guy w a kid) Run girl run unless he was fixing the breaks on her car or the furnace things that are for the kids personal safety I believe he is well I don't know what to call him but all I can say is... You don't want to have your life start out like a Jerry Springer episode trust me I have a whole seasons worth of stories before I finally got a clue. I could host for Jerry ha I’m a late bloomer my wonderful BF said today lol but I learned the hard way ....the very hard way. Put on your best stepping out clothes (sorry u can tell I am from the 80's) and get ur bad self out w ur very smart (I will add) girlfriends. 23 years is to old for you meet guys who are still in college and have a future not child support payments. As Eddie Money you probably never heard of him said ,"I wanna go back and do it all over but I can't go back I know" You don't want to be thirty-seven and think that. **** I am gonna be thirty- eight soon I hope this helps I am sure you will be heartbroken but the pain will fade eventually and it will be like you never loved him at all.
Guest Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 I disagree with the other poster. My kids are now 18 and 13 - and my oldest was on a computer at age 3 - which I"m glad of now - at 17 she got a full time great job because of her high tech skills! Your biggest question should be - if I read this correct - he hadn't seen the kid the first 7 years of his life - or YOU haven't met the kid yet? He can't control his ex wanting him back - he can only control his actions. So far - haven't seen anything he's done worth dumping him. I know someone already made a post about this in here, but I didn't want to try and get my problem solved within her post, and my problem is slightly different, I guess. Let's see...I'm 18 years old, and my boyfriend, Jeff, is 23. We've been together for a little over 6 months now. Before we started dating, he told me that he had a 7 year old kid, and that he hasn't seen him yet. This didn't bother me at all. I was fine with it. That all changed though. Recently, I'd say within the past month and a half, his baby momma, Becci, gave him a call, saying that she wanted him to come see Shayn, their kid. Jeff told me, and I was fine with it. Becci knows we're together and everything. She's seen pictures of me, as Jeff has one in his car. But the problem? Jeff and Becci. Everytime me and Jeff are together, he gets text messages from Becci asking if he's alone and telling him to call her when he is, or when he thinks I won't trip out. One day, I told Jeff that I think Becci wants him back. He told me she does, but that she knows it will never happen. He kept trying to reassure me that nothing would happen, but I feel so weird about all this. The other night, she called him and asked if he would come over and hook up her computer for her. She wouldn't leave him alone about it, so he went. He called me about 2 hours later, wanting to hang out. I don't know why it would take 2 hours to hook up a computer, but whatever. And lately, he just doesn't seem like himself. I have an issue with not being able to talk about my feelings openly. That's just how I've always been. He knows that. He's been asking me if I'm okay, and I just tell him I'm fine. My friends say I should break up with him, but I can't...I'm so in love with this guy, it's ridiculous. I just feel like I found the one guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, though I do know that I'm still young and have a whole life ahead of me. I don't know what to do, though...Any help would be greatly appreciated.
scammy Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 The guy is acting wishy-washy. I say run. It is pretty obvious and as for the other poster My kids are now 18 and 13 - and my oldest was on a computer at age 3 - which I”m glad of now - at 17 she got a full time great job because of her high tech skills! My kid has a 28,000 a year scholarship @ a private university and she did not use a computer until school so your point is what? I am guessing you have never been divorced correct me if I am wrong? You have dated people with children? I am going to be harsh but it sounds like you have no idea what you are talking about. He has done enough because if he was gone for 7 years and now he has to run to hook up her computer for two hours because she is "not leaving him alone" is about the dumbest thing I have heard. If I don't want to talk to my ex I ignore my cell. Get a clue people A guy doesn't just all of a sudden change and become a model parent.. this guys character is wishy fishy and needs to be taken out with the trash.
Island Girl Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 I have an issue with not being able to talk about my feelings openly. That's just how I've always been. He knows that. He's been asking me if I'm okay, and I just tell him I'm fine. This is a PROBLEM. With this guy or any other you are going to have MAJOR problems if you can't be honest about how you are feeling or openly talk about what you may be seeing/not seeing. This guy is becoming a father and dealing with Baby Mama who want shim back AND a girlfriend who is bothered but won't talk to him. He can see in your behavior that you are upset about something. Not talking about it will not help and - if he isn't interested in someone else - drive him away to find someone who doesn't treat him strangely and then say "nothing" when he asks if something is wrong. Men do not take Psychic 101 as a life requirement. He is not and will never be a mind reader. If you do not learn to be open and honest with any man you are involved with your relationships are doomed and will fail.
Author akillercrush Posted October 22, 2006 Author Posted October 22, 2006 Don't let this eat you up its not you. Hooking her computer up so the kid can use it? I don't know of any 7 year old using a computer for schoolwork. Hon I know its hard to leave someone you love I was married he cheated and ignored me...for ten years I put up with always being second to everybody... She just moved into a new house and clearly is completely computer illiterate. He didn't hook up the computer for their kid. Your biggest question should be - if I read this correct - he hadn't seen the kid the first 7 years of his life - or YOU haven't met the kid yet? He hadn't seen the kid the first 7 years. I still have yet to meet him and Becci. Jeff told me that Becci said once she settles in her new place, she won't mind me coming over...I just don't know if I can do that...It would be way too awkward. He stopped by today. I understand how he's feeling. I know if I had a kid that I didn't see for 7 years, I would want to spend as much time as possible with him. I just hate the confusion. He didn't call me yesterday, which was sweetest day...His phone's dead, and he lives far away, so he spends the night at his friend Pat's house pretty much every night. Pat doesn't have a phone, either, so yeah... I just miss him. A lot.
InLimbo2 Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 It was me who posted that - had just forgotten to log in I'm gonna correct you scammy - cuz yer wrong I was married at 18, separated at 20, divorced at 22 - remarried at 22 and remained so for 13 years - have been unmarried now 10 years. I have dated more than a few men with kids - one of my LTR the man had sole custody of his daughter from age 3 til then (she was 15) and I was the only 'mother figure' she'd ever had. And I dated men who's ex was in the picture. My ex and I had a fantastic friendly relationship that allowed us to coparent very well together - until his then gf, now wife, decided she didn't like it - he lost both his kids - both despise him for putting this woman first before them - and for making a manufactured battle against me more important than them. His wife's ideas on how to handle things were SOO bad that the court issued orders that he was forbidden to have either child at his home or in his wife's presence. Then the court ordered he have supervised visititation only with the oldest, then finally they cut off his contact with our oldest entirely - for a year. Both kids chose to live with me - one for the last 4.5 years and one for the last 2 years. He hit 51 this year - and the last 2 years of not having either of his children (or 4 for the oldest) has taken it's toll on him. Our oldest turned 18 last month - and when he realized that his long held fantasy of her turning 18 and being out from under my control would cause her to run to him and proclaim I was evil and kept them apart was never going to happen - when in fact she told him I was not perfect, but he was a crappy parent - well - think that finally snapped him outta it. At the last court go round a month or so again - he told me how much he regretted doing all this stuff that was based in his wife's anger, jealously, and insecurity that caused him to lose his kids - and that he wanted to friendly coparent with me. And then - GASP - he's lived up to it since. Soooo - I think I DO know of what I speak - that's just a Cliff Notes version of what we've gone through. As for the computer. I'm sorry to hear that your child didn't have the opportunity to use one of the greatest advancements in technology. My kids did public school - and it was mandatory in high school - and my son is in 8th grade and one of his textbooks there is no hard copy - it's internet based - they even both used them in pre-school. Both my ex and I were in the computer field before we married - we had one of the first personal computers out there - and both of our kids were on them by age 3. My daughter, overcoming great personal problems, managed to pull her life together and get straight A's her Senior year and graduate at age 16. Because of her typing ability and high tech abilities in internet research and applications - she got a position as a legal secretary less than a year after graduation. She'll never have to flip burgers for a living - and she does need to make a living. It's a high tech world - and a good 90% of the workforce needs tech skills if they are gonna support themselves. Sooo- my point was that yes - gasp - just because YOUR child did not use a computer at 7 doesn't mean no child does.
scammy Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 To the girl who posted this good luck whatever you choose to do but... The guy is causing you stress He did not contact you last night... You are not getting the emotional support you need from him You do not feel comfortable talking to him You are very young.... To the other poster that’s great your daughter is a legal secretary mine is a foreign language / communications major. Now I am sure you are proud of her but I am sorry I just don't see how putting a child on a computer at 3 so she can earn a median income of $50,000 warrants this girl staying with this guy. He should have let his ex hook up her own computer. He should not answer her excessive calls hell after 7 years of ignoring each other why should that be so hard. He should have a set visitation at an arranged time not when she deems it appropriate for him to come over. This is my last post I have had way to many disagreements on here and I feel that this advice site is more of a problem than a solution because of the bad and unreflecting advice given by a percentage of its members.
InLimbo2 Posted October 31, 2006 Posted October 31, 2006 Being a legal secretary is a stepping stone for her - not the end - and yes, it's pretty unheard of to get a job like that at 17 - I'm extremely proud of her. Maybe the guy actually wants to be a father to his child after all this time -and is being flexible - the kid doesn't even know him! I looked at your post - you sound just like my ex's new wife - it's all about her - when in a case where kids are involved - especially kids that haven't had a father their entire lives - it's all about the kid(s)! Maybe you've had so many problems here because you aren't willing to look at any other POV but the one you walked in with? Short of "stay with that person who beats and rapes you" and the like - there is no such thing as 'bad advice'. You post here - you get a wide range of responses - and you sift through them and take what works for you and discard the rest.
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