A question for the girls

[crispy17]

Hi.

 

Sorry about the long post.

 

I just wanted a female opinion on this. If a girl has just come out of a serious relationship - say 4 years would she be looking at getting into something serious straight away?or would she want time to herself?

 

The reason i ask this is because i recently started seeing a girl from my work. She just broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years and some of my work collegues wanted to set us up. I was quite hesitant at first mainly because it had only been two weeks since they had broken up. She is 25, i'm 21, and she is really attractive. I knew she would'nt be single for ever so i took the risk and asked her out for lunch - which she said yes to. Lunch went well and over the next few weeks i took her out for drinks, dinner and lunch a couple more times.

Her previous boyfriend had treated her like **** - basically cheating on her etc..so i made the effort of treating her really nice - which i did. And it looked like it was paying off because she told me that she has never been treated like this before.

I took her out last weekend to see a movie - when i dropped her off home she invited me in. It was really difficult making decisions of when to make the next move with this chick - usually i would go for it when i had the chance, but because i liked her a fair bit i was afraid i might ruin things if i moved too soon. We ended up kissing and cuddling on her couch. While we were there we talked - she told me a lot about her self - really personal stuff which kinda shocked me beacuse she barely knew me. It was actually quite scary how insecure this chick was. It made me wonder what else her ex had done to her.She had a few concerns with me too, whether i had cheated in the past.I was honest with her and reassured her i would never hurt her. She also said that she was blown away with how i had treated her over the last few weeks. I could sit here all day telling you all the positive things she was saying about me. I mean she sounded so interested it wasnt funny.

 

The next day i really wanted to see her so i asked what she was up to and she invited me around to watch a dvd. We went up to her room and fooled around a bit - i tried to take it to the next step but i could tell she was quite reserved in that area and it looked like it was too soon for her. I wanted to know where i stood with her and she basically told me that she really liked me, trusted me(which was interesting because she has major trust issues) and that the choice was mine with where i wanted to take this.So i said to her i usually don't rush things like this and that i want to take it slow. Which she was happy with.

Over the next few days at work things were pretty quiet - and i could tell something was up. She sent me and email the other day saying that we should just be friends(i hate that line), that she really likes me but she wasn't ready for something serious, and after being with someone 24/7 over the last 4 years made her forget who she was, and that she needed some time to herself. I replied by basically saying i understand. The whole email thing pissed me off a bit, i mean she said she was sorry for doing it over email and that she couldnt bring it to her self to say it to my face. It felt like a low blow.

I went over to her desk later that day and said to her that everything is sweet, and that all the stuff she had told me over the past few weeks i really liked, and i wanted to know more.So i told her when she does sort things out with herself to let me know if she is still interested. So i basically ended it with leaving the ball in her court. The option is hers. But i wont wait for ever..

 

But this is where i get confused - why would she tell me all these things about herself and give me the impression that we were about to start a relationship?and then all of a sudden get cold feet and change her mind?.I mean i knew that there was a risk by asking her out, but i expected her to back off near the first few dates. I told her on the second date if this was too soon, or too much pressure to let me know. She replied by saying "if it was too soon i would have said no when you first asked me out". So I dunno, i'm confused.

 

Some views on this would be appreciated.

[scammy]

First off let me compliment you for being such a wonderful guy if I was not taken I would go to dinner w you in a heartbeat;)

And second do not listen to anyone but yourself when it comes to this girl... everyone has a little voice inside of them kind of a sixth sense listen to what it is telling you.

The girl is emotionally beat up right now be her friend, I know it is difficult but do it. Have you ever met someone who made such an impact on your life that you were never the same? The change you went through after connecting with them made you a better person.

I am not talking about sexual contact but human intimacy that's what you have in front of you right now. Now you may want more from this girl but it might not ever happen.

She has not given you any indication that you’re not her type just that she needs to find herself. I was that girl once after 10 years of marriage and she is handling herself much better than I ever did. I found a 21-year-old body builder to boost my ego after my husband had an affair with his boss.

I worked on my body at the gym I worked on my career I worked on my education.

I always had a man in my life and my relationships were doomed to fail why because after 10 years in a mentally abusive marriage (yes ignoring your spouse is abuse) I did not know or like myself.

Do keep your options open and date other people you do not have to announce that to this woman but don't lie to her either.

Tell her you want to be friends also and mean it.

Do you talk to her about more than just her awful experience?

Does she only talk about her awful experience you may have to put some long hours in the patience department till the wounds heal.

 

My boyfriend soon to be fiancé (yeaah!) says that he is always skeptical about my male friends because guys only want girls for one thing sex. He says that they will act like your friend for a while but the friendship will fizzle once he realizes he isn't getting any.

 

I love my BF but he was horrible to women when he was younger thank god he treats me good and has a conscience now:p

 

I babble but use your inner voice I spent a short amount of time on my own before I met my now BF it made me realize who I am and what I needed in a man. When he came along I was ready to build a meaningful relationship almost too quick. He talked with me about issues such as what plans did I have with my life and what he planned and where he seen himself in five years. Man did I get pissed at first I took it as this guy was playing me.

Sometimes he would initiate conversations with me that made me want to run screaming from the door because it required me to open up to him and that was scary. In the end I was forced to reflect back on myself and change the things I could. Whatever I had contributed in my life that had put me in my unhappy situation. I am still doing that but I have now moved on with my life and can look at the future.

BF and I almost did not make it was a rough road with both of us almost calling it quits on more than one occasion. Work on the emotional intimacy with her, help her see who she is and what she wants to be. Her insecurities will slowly fade I promise you that much.

On a last note I had someone set me up with a guy just out of a relationship of 7 years it ended badly 1 1/2 years later I was always living in her ghost make sure she does not want to hold on to her pain some people do that so they don't have to take responsibility for there part (me included the bodybuilder guy had to listen to me talk about the ex now I realize I was actually the jerk not him when he broke up with me)

[Guest]

Yes everything scammy said is true

 

 

You have done everything right! Unfortunately when people are treated badly it takes some time and figuring things first before you can really and truly commit 100% to another person

 

You are a true gentleman an have proved that to her, the hardest thing is letting go no matter how much of a jerk he was, its almost like a death her whole life will change with you and she has to be sure she's ready or else you will be suffering while she is sorting things out and uncertain

 

"she really likes me but she wasn't ready for something serious, and after being with someone 24/7 over the last 4 years made her forget who she was, and that she needed some time to herself"

 

she is a smart girl, this isn't about you its about her being ready

[crispy17]

thanks to both of you for the reply and the helpful input.

 

I've been in many realtionships in the past but i havent actually been in a situation like this before so i was bit lost with what happend.

 

It was just bad timing on my side really because after the dvd at her place i was convinced and therefore my feelings grew stronger. So i am hurting a bit.She may change her mind somewhere down the line but i won't sit around and wait for that - i mean she is an amazing girl and i know this may sound shallow but there are so many more out there. I just hope they don't have ******* ex boyfriends. Which brings up my next question - if a girl has a boyfriend who treats her like absolute **** then why stay with him?

 

 

 

"The girl is emotionally beat up right now be her friend, I know it is difficult but do it. Have you ever met someone who made such an impact on your life that you were never the same? The change you went through after connecting with them made you a better person."

 

I cant say i have had that experience in the past, so i guess thats why i'm having trouble understanding. I work with her everyday in close quarters so it is going to be difficult getting over her, there is friendship still there so i'll just keep it as that for now.

 

"And second do not listen to anyone but yourself when it comes to this girl... everyone has a little voice inside of them kind of a sixth sense listen to what it is telling you."

 

To be honest i got so many opinions from chicks at work when it came to asking this girl out. But i have learnt not to listen to people and i did what i wanted.So i'm holding no regrets.