Guest Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I have been with a married man for two and a half years. I am a late bloomer in terms of relationships. I think I never thought anyone would ever be interested in me (I've always been overweight and my parents always told me that no one would really want me because of it). So, the relationship with the MM has only been my third relationship, despite the fact that I just turned 30 years old. I got involved with him for selfish reasons. The previous two guys had treated me like dirt, so I figured I was going to do something just for me. He made me feel sexy, and we were great together, and friends, too. I broke up with him in August. I just started to feel like I was going to be a mistress forever. We began our relationship both knowing that he would never leave his wife, and I honestly didn't want him to. He has kids, and I wasn't interested in breaking his marriage up. Also, he's a cheater -- I knew if we were together, he would just cheat on me. So, even though I know that ending things was the right thing to do, it's still been really hard. Afterall, I didn't leave him because I had someone else waiting in the wings. I left him to try to build my own self-confidence, in a way, as though I'm betting on myself; betting that I will meet someone who's right for me. It might sound stupid, but I feel like if I stayed with him, I would never meet anyone that I could really be with. It's almost as if I imagine some great scoreboard in the sky, and I might get rewarded with a real relationship if I make the sacrifice of letting him go. I know -- dumb, right? So, he doesn't understand why I ended things, and he's been trying to get me back for the last 2 months. I know it's selfish of him -- he has a complete life: wife, kids, house, everything. He wants me to go on being the icing on his cake. Meanwhile, I don't even have a cake. I don't even have appetizers! But it's hard. I feel very lonely. I live in Los Angeles, and it's hard to make friends here. Most of my friends live in other states, and so I'm pretty much a homebody. (Hard to go out to meet people when you have nobody to go out with...) Also, I'm afraid I'll never meet someone I can have a true one-on-one relationship with. And although I know that even I never do meet someone, it doesn't mean that I should go back with the MM, it's still just hard to stay strong. Any words of wisdom from someone who has been through something similar?
whichwayisup Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 Don't settle to be his icing on the cake. You deserve better than that, and honestly, you're better off alone because this man (MM) is gonna break your heart. Go read some threads in this section and see what you're up against if you continue down this road.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 Hey! You are a brave girl. You will be alright on your own. You deserve to be somebody's SO, not side dish! You are doing the right thing. Keep it up!
outofdarkness Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 I have been with a married man for two and a half years. I am a late bloomer in terms of relationships. I think I never thought anyone would ever be interested in me (I've always been overweight and my parents always told me that no one would really want me because of it). So, the relationship with the MM has only been my third relationship, despite the fact that I just turned 30 years old. I got involved with him for selfish reasons. The previous two guys had treated me like dirt, so I figured I was going to do something just for me. He made me feel sexy, and we were great together, and friends, too. I broke up with him in August. I just started to feel like I was going to be a mistress forever. We began our relationship both knowing that he would never leave his wife, and I honestly didn't want him to. He has kids, and I wasn't interested in breaking his marriage up. Also, he's a cheater -- I knew if we were together, he would just cheat on me. So, even though I know that ending things was the right thing to do, it's still been really hard. Afterall, I didn't leave him because I had someone else waiting in the wings. I left him to try to build my own self-confidence, in a way, as though I'm betting on myself; betting that I will meet someone who's right for me. It might sound stupid, but I feel like if I stayed with him, I would never meet anyone that I could really be with. It's almost as if I imagine some great scoreboard in the sky, and I might get rewarded with a real relationship if I make the sacrifice of letting him go. I know -- dumb, right? So, he doesn't understand why I ended things, and he's been trying to get me back for the last 2 months. I know it's selfish of him -- he has a complete life: wife, kids, house, everything. He wants me to go on being the icing on his cake. Meanwhile, I don't even have a cake. I don't even have appetizers! But it's hard. I feel very lonely. I live in Los Angeles, and it's hard to make friends here. Most of my friends live in other states, and so I'm pretty much a homebody. (Hard to go out to meet people when you have nobody to go out with...) Also, I'm afraid I'll never meet someone I can have a true one-on-one relationship with. And although I know that even I never do meet someone, it doesn't mean that I should go back with the MM, it's still just hard to stay strong. Any words of wisdom from someone who has been through something similar? Sounds like you need some big time support! Can you find a therapist or some sorto of support group? I know there are none just for OW's but there are plenty of groups out there. Don't isolate so much, it will drive you crazy! Don't feel so badly about yourself...and Don't just "settle' for an MM..Try church? It's a great way to meet people if you're into that sort of thing...Any sort of spiritual group is helpful whatever your beliefs are...You will find that there are many others like youself! Good luck and blessings to you! ps..I am not an OW but I am the W of a cheater, and I know how horrible it is to feel bad about yourself and to isolate!
Freedom Now Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 You sound very healthy. Congratulations on realizing that this man cannot offer you what you deserve. I am in your corner. Freedom Now
BenThereDunThat Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 Good for you for betting on YOURself! I know it's hard. Believe me. It does get easier -- KNOW that. What are your interests? Are there any local clubs you could join? Wine clubs, book clubs, theater clubs, etc. I know how you feel. My situation is that at my age, most of my friends are married with kids. So, even though they live close, it's not easy for them to find time away. Do you work? Any people there you can become more acquainted with? Try organizing a casual outing after work. Hang in there. We're here for you. We've been through it. I know right now it feels like you'll feel this way forever, but you really won't. I didn't believe everyone when they said TOTAL NC. Thought I could get over him and still have some contact. Nope. Can't. You just can't. The further time spent since your last contact, the busier you keep yourself, the better it gets. I promise.
Dayzie Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 You go girl! I hate that phrase but it's so fitting. You are very strong to realize that you can do better, and you will. It will happen when you least expect it, and it will be with a man that will love and respect you, and won't be married! Who cares if you're overweight, doesn't make you any less beautiful, a lot of men prefer women who have meat on their bones! Even though you hate to hear it, it is true, time will heal all wounds. Keep up your incredible strength and join a club or go out with co-workers, just get out there!!
Guest Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 I just wanted to thank all of you for what you wrote. I had one last break-up talk with my MM on Monday. I told him how I felt, and that even though the feelings were there, it was pointless to stay together any longer. Although he still tried to initiate some physical contact -- repeatedly -- he did promise that he wouldn't try anything in the future. We can't really have no contact, as we work together. Since then, we've spoken on the phone, and although he sounds sad, he never mentions our relationship, and he never tries to start anything. I don't trust that it will stay that way forever, but I think he knows that in the long run, when it comes to him, my head will always win out over my heart. Although it hurts, I know it will be okay eventually. Also, I am involved in a fiber crafting group (I'm a knitter/spinner of yarn) and I did just start volunteering at my local hospital. So, I'm trying! Thanks everyone!
PoshPrincess Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Guest, well done! You're halfway there by knowing him for what he is and for seeing that the R was never going to go anywhere. You've been so brave for ending it and I hope everything works out for you. It sounds like you've had a pretty tough time and I do think it would be a good idea to get some counselling. I'm having some at the moment and it really does help with self-esteem issues (a big reason why many get involved with married/attached men). As others have said, find something that will interest you. Maybe you could take some night classes as it really is a good way of meeting new people. Also achieving something new will help boost your confidence! Lots and lots of luck. You sound like a lovely person and seem to have your head screwed on. You have a lot to offer people. You'll get there in the end!
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