patience01 Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 My Wife left our Marital home to be with a co-worker about 12 months ago. Her Co-worker was married at the time. At about the time my wife left our home, this OM's wife went out a got a boyfriend, and does not want OM back. My W and I are in the process of divorcing. Does anyone think that the relationship between my STBXW and this OM can work ? My wife & I have 3 children who know what is going on, but have never met the OM (my W has said she would do this, but has not). My children deeply resent him (this fact actually hurts me more that the affair. It sucks to have my childrens childhood time taken up by this mess). The OM has 3 children. His oldest daughter won't speak with him. The youngest two have known my W since the beginning of their affair. Their relationship is a typical romantic relationship. Pure fantasy. Does anyone know of something like this working out for the people in the affair ? Essentially they broke up two homes to be together... and 12 months later .. they are essentially still .. together ? .. not sure what to call it ... Every time I see my WW she cries ... I have been doing strict NC for about the last 3 months.
BUTAFLY Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 I hate that you have to go through this but i'm gonna be honest eventhough you don't want to here this but.... I do know of a couple who started out in an affair, she has 3 children, he has one. They have been married for a little over a year. He was my EX. I don't understand how it can last but I wait for the day until I find out they are getting a divorce.
lost8 Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 You know what relationships with two cheaters can work. They have shared shame and they sure know the signs and chances that they will cheat on eachother. they found each other and it's really ashame that their children aren't liking it. I know it's hard on children when parents split up adding other people to the mix right away is even harder. But I would think that the children are feeding off of the spouses who have been spurned's feelings rather than their true feelings for the people involved. their relationship has just as much chance as anyone else's of working. As a good start for your children you should try to work with your STBXW and her OM to make sure that your children know that everyone is going to be alright.
NoIDidn't Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 their relationship has just as much chance as anyone else's of working. As a good start for your children you should try to work with your STBXW and her OM to make sure that your children know that everyone is going to be alright. Not true. Relationships started out not as As have a 50/50 chance, but affair relationships have somewhere around 25% chance of success (lasting more than 5 years). But don't hold your breath. Most people in these situations would hate to prove the statistics right by staying together when they know they are absolutely miserable. Sorry this happened to you. Take care of yourself and your kids.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 So we're back to the statistics argument...people are more than just statistics...whether it will work out between them depends on them...how much they want to make it work and how much they love/need each other...only time will tell...focus on healing yourself and helping your children heal...
Author patience01 Posted October 25, 2006 Author Posted October 25, 2006 There are many negatives against it working out. I believe that it is a relationship that was initially built on convenience. The first place that my WW cheated with the OM was in the OM's marital bed. The OM's wife found out and kicked him out. My WW's first 'dates' with the OM were in the family vehicle at their workplace... that was basically the relationship. Now that WW is out of the house, OM & WW are spending time together, but WW has not introduced OM to our mutual friends, has not introduced OM to our children. OM & WW take trips and leave town. She attempted to just have the OM come by her place to "pick something up", my oldest son shattered his car winshield with a rock. My WW did not even punish my oldest son, because I am sure she feels guilty. It sends the wrong message to my kids. What a mess. There are so many barriers to this working out, and so much pain coming down the pipeline... My WW does not see it now because she is "in love", but my children are losing respect for her .. The relationship that she has with our children will outlast any relationship that she has with any boyfriend. Imagine this: the OM's kids have known my WW for over a year now. My kids don't know OM, don't know OM's kids, when / if my WW & OM try to make it official and get together, my children will be at an immediate disadvantage...
PoshPrincess Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 But I would think that the children are feeding off of the spouses who have been spurned's feelings rather than their true feelings for the people involved. their relationship has just as much chance as anyone else's of working. As a good start for your children you should try to work with your STBXW and her OM to make sure that your children know that everyone is going to be alright. Great advice! Patience, you have to take this on board. No matter how you feel about your W and what she has done you must encourage your kids to make things up with her. Let them know that whatever she has done she is still their Mum and still loves them. I guess that by not introducing them to her OM she is trying to protect them, knowing that they're not ready to meet him yet, and that she is waiting for them to deal with it in their own time. Best of luck. It's hard but stay strong for the sake of your kids. They're what's most important.
BlueEyedGirl Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Their relationship is a typical romantic relationship. Pure fantasy. See, that's exactly what most women want. Few of us are lucky enough to get it though. It's sad that they had to break two homes, but I agree with the others, their relationship has as much chance of working as any other. Obviously they feel very strongly about each other if they were willing to break up families over it. On the negative side, they have an incredible amount of guilt to deal with each and every day. Essentially they will have to struggle constantly on guilt vs love issue. No person with one shred of decency likes to build their own happiness on others misery. That may ultimately break them up, but don't count on it.
Author patience01 Posted October 26, 2006 Author Posted October 26, 2006 PoshPrincess, I tell my children that their Mom loves them all the time. Even when she doesn't return their calls. I purposely don't say anything negative about her, but I don't make excuses for her behavior towards them either. For the first month after she left our marital home, she did not contact the children at all... she just disappeared. My youngest may forget, but my oldest won't... he is almost 15. That was the darkest period. It has been about 14 months of this, I have had IC, so my feelings at this point are not spurned ... but, I am worried about the battles that my children will probably have to fight. To put it in perspective, the OM wife filed a domestic violence restraining order against him. It was upheld. He had to go to anger management classes, He was not allowed to have custody of his children, and could not see them or talk to them unsupervised. Now I believe that the OM can see his kids unsupervised, but the history of violence is there. So it is more than just the feelings for my wife, I am genuinely worried about my childrens well-being.
NoIDidn't Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Quick question Patience01: what do YOU want?
Author patience01 Posted October 26, 2006 Author Posted October 26, 2006 Quick question Patience01: what do YOU want? I want to move on with my kids and leave the WS and OM behind... I know that is not possible because the children deserve to have a connection with their mother. I would never attempt to sever that. Ultimately, I want to protect my children ... what every parent wants ... hard to see how to accomplish that in this situation.
luvtoto Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 My Wife left our Marital home to be with a co-worker about 12 months ago. Her Co-worker was married at the time. At about the time my wife left our home, this OM's wife went out a got a boyfriend, and does not want OM back. My W and I are in the process of divorcing. Does anyone think that the relationship between my STBXW and this OM can work ? My wife & I have 3 children who know what is going on, but have never met the OM (my W has said she would do this, but has not). My children deeply resent him (this fact actually hurts me more that the affair. It sucks to have my childrens childhood time taken up by this mess). The OM has 3 children. His oldest daughter won't speak with him. The youngest two have known my W since the beginning of their affair. Their relationship is a typical romantic relationship. Pure fantasy. Does anyone know of something like this working out for the people in the affair ? Essentially they broke up two homes to be together... and 12 months later .. they are essentially still .. together ? .. not sure what to call it ... Every time I see my WW she cries ... I have been doing strict NC for about the last 3 months. Nah...they may make a go of it at first...but, eventually one will cheat on the other. Not sure which one. Maybe both. I've seen this sort of thing happen a couple times in my life. Cheating was always the outcome.
luvtoto Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I want to move on with my kids and leave the WS and OM behind... I know that is not possible because the children deserve to have a connection with their mother. I would never attempt to sever that. Ultimately, I want to protect my children ... what every parent wants ... hard to see how to accomplish that in this situation. Do you have custody of your kids or her? Has custody been established yet?
Rooster_DAR Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 See, that's exactly what most women want. Few of us are lucky enough to get it though. It's sad that they had to break two homes, but I agree with the others, their relationship has as much chance of working as any other. Obviously they feel very strongly about each other if they were willing to break up families over it. On the negative side, they have an incredible amount of guilt to deal with each and every day. Essentially they will have to struggle constantly on guilt vs love issue. No person with one shred of decency likes to build their own happiness on others misery. That may ultimately break them up, but don't count on it. Trust me, they more than likely will fail miserably where they failed there last relationships. And FYI, statistics have been proven to accurate most of the time, so the other poster that is dismissing statistics has lot of eye opening to to. Cheers.
morningdelights Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I am starting to get a headache from all this bashing going on.
NoIDidn't Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 Trust me, they more than likely will fail miserably where they failed there last relationships. And FYI, statistics have been proven to accurate most of the time, so the other poster that is dismissing statistics has lot of eye opening to to. Cheers. Thanks Rooster. I am a mathematician IRL. That, and I also gave a much higher number. The actual less than 3% of affair relationships that survive beyond 5 years. That's the real statistic. Unless you are dealing with long, lost high school sweethearts, you are looking at less than 3%!!!!! And all this complaining of bashing. Methinks the people involved in these relationships would do well to come up for air (a blast of reality) every now and then, removing their heads from the ground and all. To make you feel better, 3% is low, but at least SOME affair relationships last for longer than 5 years. That and the fact that more than 49/50% of all first time marriages end in divorce. That more than 70% (or was it 65%) of all second marriages end in divorce. Those could be seen as encouraging. But still, BREATHE.
NoIDidn't Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 I want to move on with my kids and leave the WS and OM behind... I know that is not possible because the children deserve to have a connection with their mother. I would never attempt to sever that. Ultimately, I want to protect my children ... what every parent wants ... hard to see how to accomplish that in this situation. Patience, I think you would do best for yourself and your children if you didn't focus on whether or not their relationship will last. Her actions will cause lingering resentment from them to her, nothing you can do about that. You just let them know that you love them and will be there for them. How the children feel about her will be HER problem. Their connection with their Mom is up to her, not you. If she is neglecting them to pursue this relationship, just make sure that they are feelng secure in their connection to you. Peace.
BlueEyedGirl Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 Well I'm statistican/mathamtician in real life and I certanly don't live my life by statistics. They say that 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce. Those are pretty poor odds. Problem is, statistics is a game of large numbers. It doesn't apply to individual cases. People often confuse these two statememnts: 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce. If I get married to my boyfriend tommorrow, there is 50% chance that we will get divorced. Second sentence doesn't follow from the first. But hey whatever makes you sleep at night.
luvtoto Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 Don't waste your time obsessing about those two. Six years ago, I was in the same boat. I found out that things just have a way of working themselves out. What comes around goes around. Trust me.
BlueEyedGirl Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 Oh and forgot to add, if you are a so called mathematician (that is using completly false logic by the way), but lets use your logic for a second: let's assume they break up and your wife comes back to you. What are the odds of her not cheating on you again (given that she did and LEFT you already), and what are the odds of your marriage survining? I would say extremly poor.
NoIDidn't Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 Well I'm statistican/mathamtician in real life and I certanly don't live my life by statistics. They say that 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce. Those are pretty poor odds. Problem is, statistics is a game of large numbers. It doesn't apply to individual cases. People often confuse these two statememnts: 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce. If I get married to my boyfriend tommorrow, there is 50% chance that we will get divorced. Second sentence doesn't follow from the first. But hey whatever makes you sleep at night. Then maybe we have more to talk about than affairs and relationship statistics. I don't live life by the statistics either, but that doesn't make them unimportant. Statistics are there just like the warning labels on medications, just in case you need to refer to them.
BlueEyedGirl Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 I didn't mean to sound harsh, although I realize I came across that way. I just get incredibly frustrated when people misinterpret statistics. It's all about sample sizes. If you take 1000 marriages at random chances are close to 50% will end in divorce. If you take a sample of 100, you might get 30% or even 70% (or close to that range). If you take the sample size of 10, accuracy diminishes even further. Now take a sample size of one, which is essentially what you were talking about. The couple will either divorce (figure goes up to 100%) or not (0% divorce rate in that case). So you get either 0% or 100%. Both are not very close to 50% at all. Statistics are only there to give you an idea of how today's society works which can be compared to say divorce rate 20 years ago. Enough of that though, I do wish you all the best and hope things work out one way or the other. Sometimes, something we want to happen really badly is the worst possible thing for us (even though we are not aware of that) and vice versa.
Author patience01 Posted October 27, 2006 Author Posted October 27, 2006 Do you have custody of your kids or her? Has custody been established yet? Yes we share 50/50 custody. The kids were resistant at first, but now seem to be settling in. She went on a shopping spree to try to buy their affection and make up. Pretty much anything they asked for they got... but they still ask to come "home" and hang out with me ... she always says no...
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