kandi r Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 Hey there everyone. Thanks for this entire website for it has help me see there are others in pain like me over heart break. I know this website has helped me tremendously. Well if anyone has kept up with me over this short period of three weeks you would know what I am going through. Well to answer some of the questions out there I am 25 and he is 40. Update since last post. Well finally I again met him for dinner. we kept it short and quick. Ate and I talked about us again. He told me that there is no change in me and that we need space again. I got teary eyed but not the usual breaking down and crying deal. I told him I love you and want a family. He just stated well we will see. So dinner was over and I dropped him off at home. I drove home sad, but glad I gave all I could to get back with him. I tried hard. From letters to calls to crying my heart out. Its like in an instant someoene no longer feels the same. That hurts so much. I mean I learned so much in one year from learning how to clean, cook and keep up a home. The thing about it I never once did not love him or think I did not love him. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him he was for me. The age was nothing. I am used to dating guys over 35. I am stable I have a job and I feel I am kind hearted. I have learned that yelling can sometimes push someone far away. I also learned that deep inside mabey he never really cared or mabey never really loved me the way I did him. He never held me not once well mabey when I asked him to. He never really asked me about how my days were and when I would bring up college he would get upset and like whatever. I know our communication was not on track , but Me I was willing to try and put effort. What do you all think? I called just three days ago. To see him and come over. His answer is I am going to my sisters and I think we need still time apart. I asked him, how could you just let go like we were nothing at all. His answer is I am tired and think we need a break just don't call please. After that conversation I cried harder and had to get a pillow to stop and keep a composure. I took a deep breath and thought about how much I know I will miss him. I realized now that my fears of him seeing someone, someone else loving him or holding him. someone laughing with him and mabey even crying with him. Someone else being there when he is sick to comfort him and just being the apple of his eyes was no longer my duty. I realized I gave my all to show him I want a second chance. I want a family.I know everyone says give it time, but our situation was not so outrageous. I mean two weeks and still the heart or whatever still does not want to try, well I can not keep hoping and wishing because that only adds to more pain and more heart ache. I never cheated I never lied, just got a little mouthy which can be cured and dealt with. I had to know I had to make it clear we go at it again and we learn together or we walk away and let the future lead us in whatever path it takes us to whoever it takes us to. In return I got we need a break and stay away. In the first week honeslty I wanted to and I know this sounds mabey over dramatic I wanted to kill myself, its like I needed some medication to keep me calm. This people was a very hard lesson and a very painful one. I want you all to know I coped with this all alone in my room and on here typing to you all. I had no one to lean on. At work I am the office manager and I work for a small construction co. so I was alone and cried two weeks out loud at work alone. I started thinking if I was only 15 pounds lighter mabey he would still want me or mabey if I was older or mabey if I didnt yell. Mabey if I showed him better that I cared. If mabey we didnt get into a physical fight that night. I kept thinking I may still be there with him. Though deep inside even though I am in love with him. I mabey got some hugs now and then or mabey a I love you now and then. I guess we rushed into it. I know we did, but I love him. Now I have called an old friend up to hang out. an old g/f who is also single and wishing to have someone to love. We have started to hang out. We keep eachother busy meeting new friends.I still think of him so much. My calls are no longer constant. I work 5 min. from his house which can be very hard, but I try not to think of it. My tatoo of his name I guess will have to be replaced eventually and I guess he will do the same to his tatoo. I know my heart does not want to give up. I still cry but for brief moments. I told myself kandi, you told him you wanted to start again and you made it clear to him, but he dont want what you got anymore. I am moving on people. the ball is in his court now. he knows how to contact me. I wont hope, I will move on and know he was the man for the first time I fell so in love with. My five yr relationship prior was nothing like this. it was easy to let that go. I want to thank all of you kind people on here. I will continue to post. pray for me that my heart heals and I can come to understand I did all I could. I pray though that whatever woman he may be into now or whatever comes his way keep him save lord. keep his medical conditions in control and pray over him.Pray that his work become less stressful because he worked his butt off at work and stress got to him. heal his pain. he drink daily vodka and beer and is verbally abusive and was adopted. Help him understand I only learned from our experience and that I know I would have done better being mabey his future wife. wish him well. If he calls wanting a second chance I dont know what my situation will be like then or if a moment like that will ever come. but I will always love him always.
behonest63 Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 If you want to chat my IM is behonest63 on yahoo...anywhoo You sound like your a good person and have a good head on your shoulders except for the suicide thing but shoot I felt that way too and knew I was just trying to feel sorry for myself...Im glad your past the begging and pressure stage I just got past that stage myself after I was recject after 24+ years. The way you talk there are tons of guys who would love to be treated the way you want to treat someone...just find one that is the same way and all will be well....like GUNNY said there are 300 million of them.... Im sorry that this is happening and hope for the best in your situation..what i cant stand is the old I need space thing etc etc., if you love someone or even think you may love them like you want to hurry home to see them you dont need space..space means seeing other to me I may be wrong but; I glad your going to stop trying so hard doesnt sound to me like he deserves it..commuication loving and fixing problems while still want to share these and be with other IS ENOUGH SPACE for anyone who wants to make it work..separation can be good but only if you both know that its to make the heart grow founder understand each other and wise up, that doesnt mean hurting each other or making BS statements..just remember 300 million guys there are plenty to make your life happy..lots of times when I answer these I am also speaking to myself which I am...Your Friend Donald
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