Author Scrivdog Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 Sorry, my bad. I don't hold myself up as a standard of virtue but I know that I would never cheat regardless of how long I went without sex. First on the holding oneself up as a standard of virtue. I consider my fidelity to be a private matter between myself and me and really don't think about it much. Second on the question of whether I've been in the situation of no sex and been presented with the opportunity to cheat. Yes. I had no sex for 3 years in a marriage and opportunities to cheat came up in various ways. Some were blatant in my face kinds of offers and others were more of what I'd call the baiting kinds of offers. I didn't cheat. I lusted sometimes, yes, but didn't act. I think the decision not to cheat comes far before the opportunity presents itself. In my case I thought about what I would do, how I would feel and etc. should the opportunity to cheat ever come up and I made a decision not to cheat. So when the opportunities came I was ready to say no and in some cases counsel women that if their marriage wasn't giving them what they wanted that they should do something about it but not cheat. I didn't have to make a decision about what to do and how to act from ignorance or lack of forethought. Uh huh .. right. Ok, thanks. NEXT!
quankanne Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I think the decision not to cheat comes far before the opportunity presents itself. this is so true. You decide at some point what kind of person you want to be, and you generally adhere to your standards. That's not to say temptation can't present itself, but it's a lot easier to walk away if your mind is made up. Kinda like saying "I can have choice cut, or I can have gristle," the choice cut being your partner and the gristle someone willing to be a fast ****. Even if the gristle is packaged attractively, it's still not the choice cut that's been guaranteed to you.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 death before dishonor... When things weren't working in my marriage, I thought about cheating, but I couldn't do that because it would dishonor me. Divorce - coudn't see doing that either. Living in a a "loveless" "sexless" marriage? Didn't want to do that either. For a while death seemed an honorable way out of the prision I thought I was in even if the walls were mostly of my own making. But that wasn't a good solution either.
elijahBailey Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 death before dishonor... When things weren't working in my marriage, I thought about cheating, but I couldn't do that because it would dishonor me. Divorce - coudn't see doing that either. Living in a a "loveless" "sexless" marriage? Didn't want to do that either. For a while death seemed an honorable way out of the prision I thought I was in even if the walls were mostly of my own making. But that wasn't a good solution either. So if you find yourself trapped in a miserable marriage, you wouldn't do nothing about it? No, really?
GuestImHere Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 Well, I fit your description. See, I'm a geeky lady and no fine-man in his right mind (my H is crazy, you see) would hit on skinny ole me and I know it. That's fine. Also, it would economically destructive to cheat on my husband, he pays all the bills. Also, my H is the only man that has answered the question "Why would I sleep with you again and risk pregnancy (which I don't want) sexual disease, germophobic issues??" Also, Im think wayy too much. Ill be taking my clothes off before sex and thinking about the consequences of the future. I live in the future..seriously. It would ruin the mood.. No carpe diem here! I have only one life to ruin.. I never want to feel used or like a one-nighter. My moral values comes before my physical needs. And my h feels those pretty well..so the point of sleeping with you again is??--I'll ask. I think I'm intimidating. Too strong headed. A little obnoxious. Maybe bossy. Self-conscious. Shy.. cheating's just not in my gene makeup. So you see.. I always thought I just will never have the opportunity to cheat but, then again, who wants that?
Sal Paradise Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 I think most people who are married have had the opportunity to cheat. I'd hate to think of how many unattractive men I've known directly or indirectly who left their wife and kids to run off with some younger woman. Actually being in a relationship seems to make you more attractive to the opposite sex. I've known guys who swear they get hit on more when they're in a relationship (or married) than when they're single (and not all of those friends are what most would consider attractive). They always complain "Where were they when I was single?". On some level even the most unattractive married man must have something women find attractive or they wouldn't of found someone to marry them in the first place. Not all forms of attraction are based on physical appearance. I'm a fairly attractive guy (not Brad Pitt attractive lol but I never had any problems getting a date when I was single) but I get hit on and have been tempted by attractive women (some in the work enviroment, some in social situations) several times. Some of those opportunities occured while I've been with the woman whom I have been seeing for several years, and some of those chances occured in past relationships. I've never given in to temptation because I would never be able to look at myself in the mirror again. I believe cheating to be morally wrong. I am not basing that on religious (I am agnostic) beliefs, I am basing it on the golden rule (do unto others as you want them to do unto to you), I try to live my life by that simple rule. This post just sounds like someone who cheated trying to justify their actions ("You would cheat too if you were as sexy as me and had so many sexy men/women throwing themselves at you" ).
elijahBailey Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 Actually being in a relationship seems to make you more attractive to the opposite sex. I've known guys who swear they get hit on more when they're in a relationship (or married) than when they're single I agree with most of your points, Sal, but I think you're simplifying the above a little, because I'm seen tons of married men who never get hit on. What makes a married man attractive, in a lot of cases, is that these men already have their finances sorted out. And these married men probably already have a stable career. And, with a stable career, and with their finances in order, chances are that these people exude confidence. These are the things that husband-stealers go for. Even for women who's got no intention of stealing another woman's man, chances are that they find these men desirable. Take the other extreme. A married man without a stable career and whose finances are in ruins. I think a woman would have to think real hard if she's even thinking of stealing him from his wife.
Woggle Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 I notice I get hit on much more now that I wear a wedding ring. I just tell them to buzz off and find somebody else to vulture off of. Vulture is exactly what a woman that gets involved with a married man is.
riobikini Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 re: Scrivdog: " How many cheaters simply can't cheat?" There *are* some wise people out there who actively seek to stay abreast of the most subtle nuances in their marriage (or other relationship) by realizing the need for, and promoting different types of communication with each other -and in doing so- are frequently and reasonably assured of the continuing fidelity of their partner. I believe this (communication) makes them strong enough to resist the common, everyday risks of being lured into an affair that other, lesser communicative couples (much too often) find themselves having to deal with. I also think it has a great deal to do with individual *integrity*, sound *self-respect*and respect of others, and something not quite *understood*, taught, nor developed, nowadays: good strong, positive, character. -Rio
stoopid_guy Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 I do think married men are a bit more likely to get hit on, but it's not because of financial or carreer stability. That's an age thing, not a married thing. I think it's because they're in a relationship and not wondering if every woman they meet is a potential "date." In other words, we're not "looking," so that takes a lot of the potential stress away when we talk to other women. We're not trying to impress them, and it comes across as confidence.
Great Gazoo Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 I do think married men are a bit more likely to get hit on, but it's not because of financial or carreer stability. That's an age thing, not a married thing. I think it's because they're in a relationship and not wondering if every woman they meet is a potential "date." In other words, we're not "looking," so that takes a lot of the potential stress away when we talk to other women. We're not trying to impress them, and it comes across as confidence. I find this and the rest of the posts very interesting. I find that nobody will hit on me unless I let them, by this I mean I can put a vibe out for everyone to leave me the hell alone, if you really show no interest no one will show interest to you. I have thought about it, I could of cheated once, had made a date with a woman and everything but I could never go through with it. It was just not right and I have enough head aches in life, I don't need anymore.
milvushina Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Maybe people like fat disgusting slob are more antsy to cheat because they need the validation. When I saw this thread title, I thought it meant who couldn't cheat, you know, emotionally. My ex-h used to tell me it was okay for me to be with other men. Well, once on vacation I hooked up with a pretty hot bartender and it would have been my first time to cheat, but before we had actual sex I backed out. He was mad but actually pretty understanding when I explained I just couldn't do it (felt like having a panic attack). No problem for him as there were plenty of girls around. Then, I also have a friend whose girl cheated on him several times, and he once made out with another girl and had to stop from going further because he felt as though he was going to physically be sick. So some people really can't, it appears. Of course I did manage to cheat on the ex-h a lot later, but our relationship was at a different stage then.
amaysngrace Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 by this I mean I can put a vibe out for everyone to leave me the hell alone, if you really show no interest no one will show interest to you. There's a lot of truth in this. It infuriates me when people who are coupled up in public show interest in those other than those they are with. My exH use to do this and it was quite unpleasant. And it's also pretty disgusting when guys stare at me while hugging and kissing their girlfriends. They gross me out too. Just from that act alone, I know the woman isn't being treated as she ought to be treated. Of course women do it to their guys too, I guess. And the same rules apply.
luvtoto Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 I've been cheated on one too many times by previous SO's. I know the kind of pain it can cause. I would NEVER wish that kind of hurt on someone. I would never cheat on my SO.
JadeStar Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 I haven't cheated nor do I think I could go through with it. I'm not saying its not possible, but I just don't think its in me. I have had men look at me and flirt etc, never had one to proposition me since I have been married, but even if it were to happen I think I would just decline for lots of reasons. I have to much of a guilty conscience, plus I have been cheated on back when i was dating and I just know how it feels. I know a man like the one the OP mentioned. He is not the best looking thing in the world, nor is his wife, but whatever they have together seems to work for them. He has told me before oppotunity has presented its self to him in the past, but he says he has no interest in cheating on his wife, and even though she might not be the best looking thing in the world, he says, she holds his interest in other areas in their life/marraige. He says after 23 years of marraige, and 2 kids later, he feels the same about her as he always has. I do think there are alot of people that feel that way about their spouse, then there are some who say that as a cover up and things aren't always what they seem. In his case it seems pretty genuine.
CastingPearls Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 As others have said, cheating is a way of feeling attractive and desirable, enjoying the pleasure of sex and the excitement of pursuit, and so on.... It's easy to rationalize why you should cheat, too. I'm bored, I'm not appreciated, we've grown apart, we never have sex, they've changed, I'm not happy. But it would be too much effort to work on these problems, so much easier to just cheat. But for people with integrity who take commitment seriously and value themselves for keeping their word and not just giving in to selfish urges, cheating is damn near impossible. You can't be that kind of person without changing who you are, and if you do, you have lost all your self respect. So I would say that for some people, cheating is not possible, because they truly would hate themselves for it.
a4a Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 As others have said, cheating is a way of feeling attractive and desirable, enjoying the pleasure of sex and the excitement of pursuit, and so on.... It's easy to rationalize why you should cheat, too. I'm bored, I'm not appreciated, we've grown apart, we never have sex, they've changed, I'm not happy. But it would be too much effort to work on these problems, so much easier to just cheat. But for people with integrity who take commitment seriously and value themselves for keeping their word and not just giving in to selfish urges, cheating is damn near impossible. You can't be that kind of person without changing who you are, and if you do, you have lost all your self respect. So I would say that for some people, cheating is not possible, because they truly would hate themselves for it. Wow that is me in a nutshell. I think this hits the nail on the head to explain why some are immune from becoming a cheater.
Author Scrivdog Posted October 25, 2006 Author Posted October 25, 2006 Most of you missed the entire point of this thread. Sure many of you are 'against cheating' as you so self-righteously pointed out , but that wasn't the question. Saying you're non-violent when you're an unarmed 97 pound weakling has far less merit that being a karate expert armed with an Uzi. If the armed person gets attacked and he chooses not to respond, he has exercised a real choice, the 97 pound weakling has not. He was just unable to respond. So is he being nono-voilent out of virtue? Or out of inability? My question was in the same for the so called non-cheaters. Are they non-cheaters out of choice? Or are they faithful because the opportunity to cheat hasn't presented itself and realistically never will? Does a neglected, vebally lashed husband have a harder time being faithful when he's approached relatively often by women who are only too glad to be his OW as opposed to the fat slob who never has to face that choice?
amaysngrace Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 Or are they faithful because the opportunity to cheat hasn't presented itself and realistically never will? Look at it this way...women can always get laid. Some women cheat. Some do not. It's a moral decision.
a4a Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 Does a neglected, vebally lashed husband have a harder time being faithful when he's approached relatively often by women who are only too glad to be his OW as opposed to the fat slob who never has to face that choice? That would depend on the individual of course and if he has integrity or not. Some people realize sticking your tongue or penis into an orifice will not solve problems or help you to reach eternal happiness.
GuestI'mHere Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 Umm..if the husband is neglected and verbally abused, why is he still married? You have your career going on, got alot of nice women hitting on you..why would he still take the crap at home when he could be alone, sleep with who he wants, and have peace? No obligations? It's okay to leave especially if you're being abused. Do you know a friend who's being verbally abused? Get up and get out. Then you won't have to worry about cheating.
Guest Posted October 27, 2006 Posted October 27, 2006 I'm confused. Are you asking how many fat, balding, bad-toothed guys would like to get a little side-meat but can't? A lot I would guess. And that they shouldn't get credit for being faithful because they don't really have a choice? That is tougher, I would say you have to see how quick they are to lie or backstab and take advantage of friends for their own gain, 'cause that's what cheaters do.
Guest Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 Like having a very attractive co-worker actually put the moves on them during a time when sex with the wife is a distant memory? Something tells me not ..QUOTE] Apparently the case is with your first friend though who seems to have no problem turning others down. Should that mean we should not trust your friend either if he told us he would never cheat?
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