I still love him, but I don't know if he still deserves me..

[sweetmisery02]

Hi.

I just broke up with my boyfriend a couple of weeks ago.. And now, I regret doing it. First of all, I still love him. Second of all, I don't know if my reason of breaking up with him was valid..

 

Ok, so here it is..

I was having a really bad day, and obviously I was in a bad mood.. We were talking thru the messenger and we just started arguing.. then there, out of nowhere i told him that we should put an end to us. Then after we broke up, he said I was the meanest person in the world.. Okay, I know that I hurt him, but that was just painful also. And I couldn't believe those words came out from him.. He promised that he'd never hurt me, but he just did. After a week, I told him that it would be better if we stay bestfriends, since we already know A LOT about each other..coz i don't wanna waste those good memories we had.. But he didn't want it.. He told me that he still loves me so he can't be just friends with me... So would he rather lose me for a lifetime than still be friends and see each other? Then we got to an argument again.. Those two weeks were HELL! Plus it was my final exams week.. STRESS!!! and now that my vacation started, I had more time to think about what happened between us.. I analyzed the situation more..

1. My parents HATE him.. They just think that he doesn't deserve someone like me, they said. They have this really high standard and expectations on who my boyfriend should be. And this is the second time I encountered this problem. They also hated my first boyfriend. Sometimes I think that they will never ever like any guy that I will love. Ugh.

2. He was kinda a "bad-boy"-type before.. He used to smoke, drink, and was pierced, which i really hate and so do my parents. But he changed it all for me.. Which was sweet. But ofcourse my parents wouldn't believe, will they? NO! All my parents see are his flaws.. They say I'm just blinded by those because I'm deeply in love with him.

3. He's sweet, but it's not enough for me. He's so predictable. Actually, more than predictable. I don't get surprised even once. I like a guy who really gives me sweet surprises that will make me just go "awww".. but no, he thinks he's doing everything, but i don't see it...really..

4. When we were not yet together, I was jealous over our common friends coz they liked him, and he even liked some of them. And my schoolmate even told me that he made out with one of them. And he denied it to me. I dunno which was the truth, but i believed him. But months later, I went to this fortune card reader who was like, psychic, and asked him if he really did make out with that girl. and well, according to the cards, it was true. I dunno if i will believe those cards or the guy I love. It just bothers me..

 

Well, maybe these thoughts bugged my mind that day i broke up with him.. Then I talked to my mom.. I told her that we broke up and asked if they're happy now. She said they're not happy for me being hurt, but they said that was just the right decision I made. And I told my mom that we will remain bestfriends coz we've known each other a lot, and she agreed.

I finally thought everything would be alright coz she now accapted him as my bestfriend.

 

But this one day, i met him at this event. My mom came with me. And i thought everything will finally be fine. But!!! He didn't accompany us. He wasn't a gentleman. And he even ignored us after the event. My mom saw everything and now she took back what she agreed on. I felt like I was the one who was dumped. I was invisible! UGH!

 

So I was mad at him. I ignored his calls. It was just painful.. I know that he was really hurt when i broke up with him, but then it hit me, that I was hurt 10x more.. If he really loves me then he wouldn't hurt me in return..

 

Then just a few days ago, he came over the house to hangout.. I don't know what our status is right now.. He keeps on telling me how much he loves me and that he wants me back.. Deep inside, I want him back too and I love him. But with all the things happened after the break-up, he just made me realized that he deserved being dumped by me instead of making me see that we still are meant for each other..

 

Now i don't know what to do.. PLEASE... HELP ME...

 

Thank you so much.

[Dayzie]

I have learned through life that my mother is always right. When she didn't like a boyfriend it made me mad but when it ended I saw she was right, although I still won't admit it to her. It's difficult to be friends after a relationship and if that is what you want, it will take time, lots of time before you can hang out just as friends. But if you truly want to be with him then be with him. My thoughts are to not see each other for a couple weeks, don't talk and let all your thoughts and feelings get in order, same with him. Seeing each other only makes it more difficult.

[Mythical]

Hey,

To start I don't agree with the fact that mothers are right. My mom is 50 years old and I have a way better judgement on the world/people than her.

She hates my current b/f for stupid reason when her b/f is just the biggest mess in the world.

Secondly, I was with my ex for 4 years and broke up with him and we have been friends for a year. It was REALLY hard at first and I mean REALLY because I broke up with him and he still loved me. It is still very hard at times but if thats what you want than try to work things out as friends.

If you want to be back with him I would just tell him your hurt because of your moms opinion and the thigns you have heard. You have to remember just because ppl say thigns doesn't mean its true. Talk to him. He seems like he is really nice and sacrificed thigns that were important to him for you.

Goodluck!

[koolkat68]

Having been dumped before by someone i really cared for...i can honestly tell you that him ignoring you and him telling you mean stuff doesn't mean anything...it was probably the best way he could find to cope with it....and its really hard to be friends with someone when you guys shared so much together at one time....you can't worry about what your parents have to say...because in the end its what makes YOU happy...try to avoid games and tell him what you think, things are easier when you just flat out tell somebody whats bothering you....never assume that the other person knows how you feel....talking to each other most times makes you get more insight...trust me

[everlong]

you really have to start doing what you want...you are talking about doing things because everyone else whats to...u are a special, loving, caring person - don't worry about what others will think about your decision - they are you decision and the more you do that the more self-esteem you will get.

 

why does he deserve being dumped by u over him showing you he deserves to keep you! you are not second fiddle! look at everything u add to the picture. someone needs to treat u to a steak dinner and trip to the spa.

use your voice - not 'what' you think others see - u can do it

[sweetmisery02]

Wow! Thanks guys for your time..

 

everlong: well, i don't really know what makes a person deserving for someone.. what do you think?

 

koolkat68: you're right.. Maybe he just said those mean things to me coz he was really hurt.. but he said something like this: "I don't wanna see your face, I get annoyed by looking at you. and I MEAN IT!" It was just painful.. he meant it..

 

Mythical: Yeah, what's up with our moms? I mean, I know they're right most of the time, but I want her to give me freedom too to choose who I will love.. even my dad.. they're like this partners who never agree with my chosen guys...

 

Dayzie: I have to admit too that my mom was right about my 1st boyfriend.. He was a jerk.. so I thank her for that.. But!!! This 2nd boyfriend of mine is a bit different than the 1st one.. and better.. and my parents still can't see that.. they keep on seeing his flaws and nothing on his good sides.. or was it really me who was blinded?

 

 

Gawd, now that your replies vary, I'm getting more confused

BUT THANKS SO MUCH for your time on answering to this.. I really needed someone to talk to..and my bestfriend is kinda out of the country.. so there.. Hope to hear you guys out again!

[sb129]

Hey sweet misery, I am going thru a similar thing to you. The history of our relationship is really complicated and involves lots of loss of trust, hurt and dishonetsy on both sides. My BF would upset me, say sorry, promised to change, didn't etc! He was also jealous and possessive.

We got into a BAD cycle where every time we fought it would end up turning into a horrible fight where we would insult and hurt eachother, and I would want to break up with him.

This happened so many times, I finally ended it, and my friends and family are nearly celebrating they are so happy! They couldn't believe I was wasting my time with him, and all said i could do SO much better. I told them some of the awful things my ex has said to me, and of course, they just want me to be happy, which is all your family wants for you.

BUT of course, like you, I miss him, he says he wants me back, promises to change, etc etc. He can't change in a week.

So as hard as it is, I am going to give it more time. My ex BF has some major insecurities to deal with and I can't help him anymore.

The time apart is really clearing my head too. From the sounds of it I am a few years older than you, and I sure ain't on the shelf yet!

You are young and smart, and I am sure there will be plenty more people in your life. Give it some more time to really assess what it is you want. The first couple of weeks is too clouded by emotions (good and bad) to seriously make any decisions. Space (as cheesy as it sounds) is a good tool, it gives you persepective. Talking to your boyfriend is good too, but try to keep it neutral and non-accusatory. Finally, I believe it is possible to be friends with an ex, but it can take a long time until you are both comfortable with just friendship, as usually it takes longer for one to get over the other. Be prepared for this. I have some fantastic friendships with exes from my early uni/ schooldays- but its taken a few years to get ther!

Good LUCK!

[sweetmisery02]

sb129: Wow I never thought that a lot of people are going through this kinda problem also.. You're right, i'm still young and i know I'm going to meet hella lot more guys in this life... But yeah, it's just that... I loved him soooo much.. and I still do. Maybe i just need time.. I hope God will give me signs.. If I really have to move on, or keep holding on to this.. It's just really hard with the family part, you know.. It's like im disobeying my parents and i dont want it.. But I love him.. aaarrgghhh..

[sb129]

Is he more attractive to you BECAUSE your parents don't approve?

Just wondering..

I know that bad guys can be alot more attractive sometimes, hell I learnt the hard way. And am STILL learning.

I don't know you or your parents, but from my own experience, the opinion of someone older who has had some life experience can be really valid. Often they can see stuff you don't.

Whatever happens, your parents love you and want you to be happy first and foremost. So whatever you decide they should accept that if it will make you happy.

Yes, its the way of the world- there is always someone going thru the same stuff as you, always someone better off, and always someone worse. remember that, even though it HURTS and sometimes you feel like nobody understands and that you will be alone forever, you WILL be OK. Trust me on this one.

Sites like this are great for giving you insight and support.

Let me know how you get on.

[sweetmisery02]

Hi guys.. As I was going through hell getting over this problem, I got a new one.. Well, i know my boyfriend's (well, ex now) password so i hacked his email.. (well i know it's not right but he knows that i do that, well atleast when we were still together).. Then I saw his sent message to this girl that he met a couple of days before we broke up. And mind you, he was making me jealous with his status "(gir's name), you're my angel"... the night we broke up.. UGH!!!

 

Then, With his email to her, I read something like this: "you're very very very special to me".. "you're easy to love"... "I'm so glad we met"... "thanks for being such a great friend"...

 

I know there was "friend" in it, but it just made me sooo jealous and I'm actually hurt... Coz now I'm seeing why I broke up with him (maybe)... I think God gave me a sign or something.. I don't really know.. I'm just so frustrated right now thinking about him and that girl.. I'm sorry but AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH I just wanted to let it out.........

[sb129]

" I still love him, but I don't know if he still deserves me.."

 

NO HE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU!

If you want to take it as a sign, that's great. You deserve better.

Now sweet, a little hand slap for breaking into his email cos that is pretty sneaky, and could cause trust issues later on BUT since you found some evidence to support the fact that you shouldn't be together I will let you off.

Now is the time to exercise NO contact. Please don't log into his email again. What you find isn't going to make anything better, it will only upset u more. And it won't win you any brownie points with him, trust me.

Don't call him don't see him- u can only be friends when enough time has passed for the hurt, uncertainty and betrayal to go away.

Also- how old is the guy?

[sweetmisery02]

LOL, i know that was sneaky I'm sorry..

 

But yeah, I guess i trust him less now.. well, coz he STILL keeps on telling me how much he loves me, but then I find out these things about this girl and it just annoys me...

 

and he always calls me, but I can't help but answer the phone.. Well, maybe because I was the one who told him that we can still be bestfriends.. BUT... well... *sigh* I dunno..

[daphne]

Sweet,

 

You sound very very young to me. And self absorbed. You don't really care how your ex feels. You're only upset that he ignores you and doesn't treat you like a princess anymore and that hurts you. You don't hurt 10x more than he does. Grow up. You broke his heart and you don't even have enough empathy to realize it.

[sweetmisery02]

yes, i'm still young.. and yeah, i guess i'm still immature..

[Guest]

when u are making a decision and part of that is including the advice of family and friends i think it is important that u examine how they are basing their opinion of the other person. for example: say u have broken off with someone, and months down the road u decide to give it another try and u ask them for their opinion. now if in the past u have told your friends and family things that are truly personal in the relationship, and did so when u were angry and hurt, chances are u did not paint a good portrait of this person and probably left parts out - so, that is what they will base their opinion on. i have experienced it first hand - that is why i usually keep these things to myself. if i have confided in someone it will be someone far removed from me and my situation and i present both sides and take their advice seriously. most people will not do this and it further erodes faith and trust. i know this from my last relastionship. example: because our breakup was hard and with lots of confusion everywhere, i ended up [last attempt at that] calling someone i knew that new my ex really well. and i was truly calling out of concern for my ex [long story]. well, L picks up the phone and before i get one sentence out of my mouth she calls me the worst thing in my life and tells me things only the ex would have known but tainted with hurt and anger. it was that moment i stopped and moved on.