I just ended my second chance

[Teacher's Pet]

I'm sure he'll be out and about

 

And tonight, you were out and about.

 

Nothing like an evening of bowling, dining, joking around, and getting your hiney slapped by members of both sexes.

 

Damn, I wish I took pictures!

 

-tp

dirty boy

 

P.S. Jenn...thank you so much for introducing me to these really great people..... new friends are ALWAYS welcome in my life.... thank you!

[AriaIncognito]

I was out and about. And he was logged on from a little before 10 til like 1030...so I think I was having much more fun than he was tonight :-) Not that I was paying attention...lol.

 

I have to admit, I had a fun time. I'm glad I have met some of these people too. J, S, M...they are all so nice and friendly. I didnt' get to talk to a lot of the others. I'm looking forward to more things with them, it's nice to have a group to just hang with and not feel like I need to be part of a couple to belong there. I even bonded a bit with M as she's been single since January and was telling me about that. Good to know we aren't the only ones with this problem.

 

Anyway, bowling was fun. Dinner was fun, and karaoke was fun. Certainly a full evening. Now, I'm worn out...

 

Sundays are always the hardest, though. I always get depressed on sundays, even when I have someone, so tomorrow...should be interesting....

 

Jennifer

 

PS - I hope he had a really bad night tonight, because he's a fool for letting me walk away.

[Teacher's Pet]

I have to admit, I had a fun time. I'm glad I have met some of these people too. J, S, M...they are all so nice and friendly. I didnt' get to talk to a lot of the others. I'm looking forward to more things with them, it's nice to have a group to just hang with and not feel like I need to be part of a couple to belong there. I even bonded a bit with M as she's been single since January and was telling me about that. Good to know we aren't the only ones with this problem.

 

See? We both have new friends, and one of them almost slipped me the tongue. lol

 

Sundays are always the hardest, though. I always get depressed on sundays, even when I have someone, so tomorrow...should be interesting....

 

Ok! So we have 6 out of 7 days taken care of already. Maybe you should take up watching football, you'll be fine, at least through January! lol

 

PS - I hope he had a really bad night tonight, because he's a fool for letting me walk away.

 

Amen, sister.

 

-tp

not a football person

sad 'cuz baseball ends in a week

[AriaIncognito]

Well, it's been a few days. I'm not going to lie, I'm sad. However, I've done some things already that I didn't do ever the last time this happened. I deleted all the texts from him off my phone (mind you i saved them to pc for posterity but it's not like I'll be referring back to them or able to see them whereever I go like the ones on the phone). I've put all the stuff he left here in a bag. I've thrown away a few things that reminded me of him (that I previously held onto). I cut off my hair that he so liked long. I even got it highlighted, which he also liked but I did it for me not him. The hair is back to shoulder length, where I feel it looks more healthy. I've not called, written, texted, anything. I've thought about him a decent amount. I've come to the conclusion that I deserve more, even though I still want to be with him, I know I can't be with the him he is, and who knows if he'd ever be the one I'd need. I've come to the conclusion that I must try to make myself happy and move on, or at least move past him, not necessarily to another bf. I know I'm not ready for that. I miss the companionship terribly. The work days will be harder as he and I would exchange light emails back and forth all day. Nights where I would go there will be harder for a while. Etc. I know I needed to do this though. I know it's for my own good. My brain knows that. My heart, well it needs to catch up sometime.

 

So here I am on this sunday of many to come. I've always hated sundays. I'm always more down on sundays anyway, but I've not cried yet. It's actually been 24 hours since I cried last, which is pretty damned good. Will I keep it up, I dont know. I certainly won't punish myself if I do break down and cry again, but it's not like I'm writing it in my calendar.

 

Here's to hoping for a better tomorrow, and to hoping I come out of this a happier person and am able to look back and say "it's a good thing that happened".

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

My brain knows that. My heart, well it needs to catch up sometime.

 

Aww, how cute.

 

Well, good going there.

 

Ariadne

[Teacher's Pet]

Well, it's been a few days. I'm not going to lie, I'm sad. However, I've done some things already that I didn't do ever the last time this happened. I deleted all the texts from him off my phone

 

And thanks to you.... I deleted the LAST of my ex's text messages to me.

 

Well, you made me do it last night, but.... it's for the best.

 

-tp

text free!

[copper]

ariawoman!

 

I think I remember you from this past summer when i was posting here because of a breakup with my bf.

 

I don't mean to turn the topic from you to me, but maybe my perspective will help you somehow.

 

Basically I am the flip-side of your situation. Long story short -- M and I have broken up several times. After I posted here last summer we got back together, even moved together from California to Oregon, and were all set to get a place together and have a life together, when, yet again, I freaked out. Whenever we break (should I say broke?) up, I get so sad and miss him so much and feel so much regret for not appreciating him. But everytime we get (got?) back together eventually a nagging doubt would take over me and he'd start to feel unloved, alone, unappreciated, and unable to live up to my expectations. I would blame it on the fact that I was bored with him, he wasn't romantic enough, didn't support my dreams enough, etc. All the time knowing it was stupid of me to get so distant, yet unable to extricate myself from my nagging doubts about being with him. I always let him do the breaking up, because I was always just so unsure. I never really wanted to break up, but I never could be 100% there either.

 

I cry every night for dragging him through my ups and downs, my pushing and pulling, my hot and colds. I cry for hurting him and making him feel unloved. I cry because I miss him so much, and miss his bottomless love for me. All he ever wanted was for me to be happy and be excited... but I felt unable, and had (have) a hard time mustering up the faith that we could have a good life together, that things could be different, or even just that I could have a good life at all.

 

Truth is, there is nothing wrong with him, I am just unhappy with myself and my life, but have a tendency to blame him for not being good enough. I've dealt with depression all my life, but always figured that if I couldn't fix this myself, then I was weak. Logically I know it's retarded, but I always felt like therapy was a cop out.

 

We broke up a week ago, with a sorta "who knows?" about the future of us, but I know that if something doesn't change in me, nothing will be different, so I cannot talk to him at all because we'd just get back together for the 10,000th time and the same thing would happen all over again, with me saying yes, things will be different, when really they won't be. They might be good for 3 weeks, but then my doubts would just become too obvious to hide.

 

So for the first time EVER I have decided to go seek therapy for real, instead of just playing with the idea (or forgetting about it once we were back together, because things were "fine" now), something I really should have done when I was 12. I have admitted (finally) that I cannot get better on my own, I need some help. It's something I need to do for myself, but also it's the only way M and I can have a REAL chance again, if ever. I need to at least try to make myself happy with myself. I can't imagine he'd ever want to risk putting himself through the pain I caused him, and I don't EVER, EVER want to make him feel that way again. NEVER. He deserves more.

 

So I guess my point is...your ex probably thinks about you all the time, and does very much regret not appreciating you, every minute of the day, and feels like he is just sh*t for being this way, which feeds into his already feeling like sh*t about himself.

 

It's a shame he is unable/unwilling to help himself -- you deserve someone willing to at least help themselves, and I'm trying to be that person! I'm don't have much faith that therapy actually helps people (and I bet your ex feels the same), but at least I'm going to TRY.

 

Don't be afraid to love again... don't close your heart, because someone out there is going to be WILLING. And it seems your capacity to love is AMAZING and so rare.

 

I hope what I have said gives you some insight into what's going on with him, not that it should matter, but maybe it does, you know?

[AriaIncognito]

Copper,

 

I suppose it gives me a little bit of potential insight, but honestly, I don't thinkm he spends days/nights being upset over losing me. He's done therapy in the past but I guess not long enough. I don't know if he'll seek it out again. I dont know how he's currently feeling, and well, I wish I did. I love him and would be there to help him and see him through this if he wanted me to. And it sucks to have that kinda love for someone and not have it returned. Or, know it could be returned, but won't because they are too afraid or depressed to ever get there with you.

 

He always told me how there was nothing wrong with me. That he likely did not deserve to have someone like me. That I deserved so much more than he was giving. And he's right. I do deserve someone that will give me as much as I'm giving him. I'm just, well, I'm losing hope that that will ever exist for me, and that makes life very sad.. and now, I've broken my not crying streak by crying. I guess 28 hours was a good run. I realize it hasn't been that long and that it will get better in time. I just didn't want to be here to have to be dealing again. Of course, who does.

 

I'm glad for your sake that you are going to seek help for yourself, and I hope that maybe you're able to mend things with M, but I also hope for his sake that he doesn't sit around waiting for you, because I know how hard it is to be that person. I've been that person for 9 months, and it feels god awful to be so head over heels for someone that is only so/so with you.

 

Every day I wish the phone would ring, but it won't. I wish he'd mail, but he won't. He's only do so if he realized I was worth fighting for, and sadly, I dont think he'll come to that realization, until it's too late.

 

Jennifer

[AriaIncognito]

Copper,

 

I've made some direct replies to your post in BOLD

 

 

So I guess my point is...your ex probably thinks about you all the time, and does very much regret not appreciating you, every minute of the day, and feels like he is just sh*t for being this way, which feeds into his already feeling like sh*t about himself.

 

I will agree with this statement, except I think with him, it just goes away after a while and he'll just start looking for someone new, assuming that I just "wasn't right for him" when in actuality i think it's more like "he's not right for anyone" right now. He needs to help himself, to learn how to allow himself to be happy. Until he does that, I dont see him letting anyone in, let alone me.

 

 

It's a shame he is unable/unwilling to help himself -- you deserve someone willing to at least help themselves, and I'm trying to be that person! I'm don't have much faith that therapy actually helps people (and I bet your ex feels the same), but at least I'm going to TRY.

 

I really hope that maybe this time he'll keep thinking about it and maybe do something about it. Our very long talk on Thursday night left him really questioning how he became so cold and unable to be happy. I really hope he searches himself and realizes that he can get help and feel better, and be happy someday. I wish that for him, with me or without me.

 

Don't be afraid to love again... don't close your heart, because someone out there is going to be WILLING. And it seems your capacity to love is AMAZING and so rare.

 

It's not that I'm afraid to love again, I'm more afraid that it won't come to me again. That i won't find what I'm looking for. That I keep losing that which I am looking for. Something like that. I know I'm able to love. However, it seems hard to find that connection with someone, and honestly, that connection, I've only found once, and that was this recent one. He used to joke that I could read every nuance of his being, and he was right. I dont know what it was about it, but I was so in tuned to him and how he was feeling, that well, it caused our demise. I would always know when he was feeling this conflict even when he'd not tell me. This wore on me. It was like I had a special ability when it came to him. I want that with whoever I end up with.

 

[AriaIncognito]

Eh. I guess I'm not as bad as I could be today. I got 0 sleep last night, so i feel awful. I have only cried once though here at work (at my desk - ugh) so I guess that's progress too considering I remember how often I was crying last time we broke up. My former boss told me I "look down" and it got to me and I cried as soon as he left the area. I felt so ridiculous. Something so trivial brought me right down.

 

I miss him, but I'm trying my best...

 

Jennifer

[Ssheena]

It's ok Jen. When I used to get like this I'd just hold on (barely) until I left work and then cry all the way home (like the little piggy). I find the best thing about being "of a certain age" is I can call up my Dr. and say I need something to get through the day, and POOF, a script for Ativan appears. One day at a time - heartfelt hugs to you. Only a few more hours right..you are on east coast time.. Be strong at work - one of the only places/times I advocate faking it until you make it.

[AriaIncognito]

Well, I've cried twice today. Not too bad I suppose. Once at work when the former boss made the "you look down" comment. He kept asking "what's the matter". Men should learn not to ask that unless they want to hear the answer. I eventually told him that I had to let go of someone I really cared about recently and that it was sad to me. He told me to keep my chin up and that he was sorry to hear it.

 

Then later on tonight here at home I cried while writing an email.

 

But, I suppose it's better than crying all day.

 

Jennifer

[AriaIncognito]

As "ok" as I've seemingly felt the past few days, that's how not OK I am feeling today. So if you talk to me and I'm less than giving a ****, you know why. I don't even give a **** about myself right now. I want to go home and crawl into bed and bawl.

 

Oh yeah, and my body has decided that it would be fun to not sleep. Day 2 of that.

[SurvivingHB]

Sorry that you are suffering so much. Is it possible to talk to your dr to get some kind of sleeping aid? I got Ambien and it worked magic. I had to sleep to stop getting into deeper depression after being dumped. Talk to your dr and see what he/she can do for you.

 

It will only get better from here. You have to grief before you can truely move on, so it is perfectly normal. Crying definitely helps. However, try not to dwell on the past or wonder how he/she could do this to you or wonder if he/she ever truely loved you, etc. You will get better slowly but surely. We are all here for you.