Good boy, bad boy

[Hard Man]

Hi all,

I'm a newbie here. I chose the "Hard Man" nickname only because I refuse to be a victim, despite the fact that my wife cheated on me years ago. I may post details one of these days, but my main purpose here is to comment on the motivations of women who have affairs.

 

Having read through many threads here (what a wonderful support community this website is!) I have not seen the following explanation for cheating - which is almost painfully obvious in some threads.

 

The husband is "perfect"; he works hard, is successful, loves his wife, does more than his share etc etc. Yet his wife has an affair with a creep who is not worthy to tie her husband's shoes. Question: How could she do it? Answer: All women want to have a husband who is a provider of wealth and stability - the "good boy". Once they have these basics, however, many women are then drawn like moths to flames to the dangerous, glamorous, and exciting dark side where the "bad boy" lives.

 

For example, one long thread had the poor husband reeling because the wife had had a meeting with "bad boy" in a sleazy, rent-by-the-hour motel room. But that is quite predictable; it is the counterpoint to her safe, perfect, and boring daily life. She is spoiled and wants excitement.

 

It is not a "rational" thing to do in the normal meaning of that word. So after the affair blows over, the woman can't understand why on earth she did it. Neither, of course, can her "perfect" husband.

 

 

There is another way to look at cheating behaviour: when people are tempted to cheat, and when they "fall" for the temptation, they enter a state that is animalistic. That is, they become like doggies and, as the Dog Whisperer on TV says: "Dogs don't think, they react".

 

Animals react to opportunity and so it is with cheating women. For example, they don't plan an affair; it just happens! Animals also don't have a concience. For example, if a dog kills a bird, he will not feel bad about it. Similarly, women who cheat do not feel concience while they are having the affair. Their concience comes gushing back, apparently, when they get caught and the animalistic "trance" is broken.

 

I think that both of these factors applied to my wife. Comments please?

[Flyin in Clouds]

Yeah, I just love that one.... "It just happened"...

 

Some women are just tramps / sluts, just like some guys want to do nothing but run around a harem.

[Adunaphel]

Affairs do not "just happen" - it's not like being struck by a lightning bolt.

 

For the record, most of those animals who form relationships and cheat, will not do it in front of their partners but on their back, when they are not seeing.

So no reason to buy the "animalistic trance state", too.

 

It is not a "rational" thing to do in the normal meaning of that word. So after the affair blows over, the woman can't understand why on earth she did it. Neither, of course, can her "perfect" husband.

 

Things don't have to be rational to be understood.

 

She is spoiled and wants excitement.

 

...and the bad boy was offering more excitement than you were doing.

 

 

....are you sure that the only problem was that she was spoiled and needed excitement?

 

I guess it would be useful to both of you to dig deeper -so to speak - and realize why your wife cheated (if there is a reason at all), and if there were more problems in your marriage than you were aware of.

 

Have you been to marriage counseling? I hear it can do wonders helping partners to communicate.

 

I am sorry that you were cheated on, and I hope you can work things out.

[everlong]

then tell me. the woman that does this. the trance you say is broken because they get caught. only then do their concience come gushing back. so, what do they do next? if they do nothing - if they are silent - then it is because they got caught.

why do people do this?

 

because they have no feelings - they are sociopaths. Individuals with this disorder have little regard for the feeling and welfare of others. it is a personality disorder that is chronic, beginning in adolescence and continuing throughout adulthood. There are ten general symptoms:

 

 

not learning from experience

no sense of responsibility

inability to form meaningful relationships

inability to control impulses

lack of moral sense

chronically antisocial behavior

no change in behavior after punishment

emotional immaturity

lack of guilt

self-centeredness

 

They do not consider other people's wishes, welfare or

rights. They can be manipulative and may lie to gain personal

pleasure or profit. They may default on loans, fail to provide child

support, or fail to care for their dependents adequately. High risk

sexual behavior and substance abuse are common. Impulsiveness,

failure to plan ahead, aggressiveness, irritability, irresponsibility,

and a reckless disregard for their own safety and the safety of

others are traits of the antisocial personality.

[Mz. Pixie]

I don't buy into the good boy/bad boy thing. Because that had absolutely nothing to do with why I strayed.

 

I guess that can happen but I doubt that's the case in most circumstances.

[Guest]

Answer: All women want to have a husband who is a provider of wealth and stability - the "good boy". Once they have these basics, however, many women are then drawn like moths to flames to the dangerous, glamorous, and exciting dark side where the "bad boy" lives.

 

There have been a bunch of studies about infidelity. The majority of men and women cheat because they feel unloved or unappreciated at home and they find someone who gives them the love/appreciation they lack.

 

Men (and women) will advertise themselves as having been the perfect mates who can't possibly imagine why their spouses cheated (other than the general bad character of men/women) in general. But I'm guessing were you to question their spouses, many times you would indeed find that despite the fancy homes or perfectly cleaned houses, etc etc etc, they did not feel cared about or appreciated at home.

 

It's easy to blame everything except one's own lack of communication or neglect when things go wrong in a relationship. And of course it's easiest to claim that all members of the other gender are (insert multiple flaws here).

[InaPanic]

Like MsPixie, i wasn't in an affair looking for the 'bad boy' at all. As a matter of fact, my OM reminded me so much of my husband i often wondered if that's what attracted me to him. Of course, he turned out to be a complete jerk but during the affair he was not showing me that side of him.

 

Also, the guilt did hit me after the affair became sexual. That does not say that i was the one who ended the affair because of the guilt because that is not so. But the feelings i had that i thought were pining away for OM suddenly ended as soon as i fessed up to my husband. I think it was the guilt eating at me more than anything. I am not trying to say that i am on any higher level than other cheaters because honestly, i wish i could have kept it from him (another topic altogether) & i'm not saying people that do keep it from their spouses are worse in ANY way. I'm just saying not all people only feel guilt when caught tho.

 

I'm also not sure i fell into an animalistic trance at all. I do think that i was able to departmentalize my two seperate lives & keep them, at least in my head, as two seperate things. That is until i met OM in person & it became very real & very physical. That's when it all fell apart for me.

 

I also have no answers as to why it happened to my husband who is damn near as close to perfect as a husband could be. But maybe being treated perfect isn't always enough if the love you feel for them is more like a best friend & not like a lover/husband/wife/etc. I'm still struggling with what is wrong with me & what i must have lacked to do this.

[Ripples]

There have been a bunch of studies about infidelity. The majority of men and women cheat because they feel unloved or unappreciated at home and they find someone who gives them the love/appreciation they lack.

 

Men (and women) will advertise themselves as having been the perfect mates who can't possibly imagine why their spouses cheated (other than the general bad character of men/women) in general. But I'm guessing were you to question their spouses, many times you would indeed find that despite the fancy homes or perfectly cleaned houses, etc etc etc, they did not feel cared about or appreciated at home.

 

It's easy to blame everything except one's own lack of communication or neglect when things go wrong in a relationship. And of course it's easiest to claim that all members of the other gender are (insert multiple flaws here).

 

Really good post

[Mz. Pixie]

There have been a bunch of studies about infidelity. The majority of men and women cheat because they feel unloved or unappreciated at home and they find someone who gives them the love/appreciation they lack.

 

Men (and women) will advertise themselves as having been the perfect mates who can't possibly imagine why their spouses cheated (other than the general bad character of men/women) in general. But I'm guessing were you to question their spouses, many times you would indeed find that despite the fancy homes or perfectly cleaned houses, etc etc etc, they did not feel cared about or appreciated at home.

 

It's easy to blame everything except one's own lack of communication or neglect when things go wrong in a relationship. And of course it's easiest to claim that all members of the other gender are (insert multiple flaws here).

 

This is what I've been preaching since I've been on LS. Nice to see someone else agrees!

[Hard Man]

When I first posted, I had not seen this thread which also discusses the "bad boy" concept.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t94689/

 

 

My comment about guilt gushing back was taken from a web article on a survey of cheating wives which included the following points:

1.Most cheating wives felt they were not getting enough positive attention from their husbands.

 

2.Did they love their lovers? No, they loved their husbands. The other man just gave them more.

 

3.How did these women feel about hurting their husbands? Every unfaithful wife was asked if she felt guilty about having an affair. While most admitted they were concerned about the pain they might cause their children if the affair was discovered, it was hard to get any of the women to really discuss the effect it may have on their husbands. Some justified their actions by saying that the other man made them happy, therefore it kept their marriage and home life happier.

Those who had had affairs in the past said that their guilt came rushing in once they were caught., and it was only then that the realized how much pain they'd caused their husbands.

Item 1 may be true, and is often quoted. But the fact that these women FEEL this does not mean that it is the real reason. These people are cheaters, after all, with a lot of bottled up guilt. It might be natural for them to blame their husbands.

 

The last part of Item 3, on the other hand, is very clear. It is a surprisingly strong statement for such a mixed up issue and isn't likely to be a false.

 

A WW leads a double life, a "home life" with a spouse and an "away life" with a lover. The only way for her to deal with this without going mad is to compartmentalize. That is, to create two separate environments that never mix. This explains the absence of guilt and conscience when the WW comes home from her A. When she is caught, the dam breaks and the guilt rushes out. Makes sense to me!

 

BTW, I am not beating up on women here. My wife cheated on me 40 years ago, just after we were married and had our first child. We survived and are still together. Better still, our children have grown up straight and strong. We have analysed the affair in detail, and the reason for it was simply this: my WW wanted to prove that she was still attractive enough to reel in a (married) man and have sex with him. He wasn't even a very "bad boy", because my W was the primary seducer in this case. But there is no doubt that the affair did provide the excitement she craved. She also felt no guilt until she was caught.

[everlong]

i agree with hard...most people are not here to pummel but to listen, understand and support. cheating is hard on the soul. in my opnion, the person cheated on is not the one that hurts the most - its the one that cheated. in my mind, they have the harder road to walk and you never kick someone when they are down.

 

"Also, the guilt did hit me after the affair became sexual. That does not say that i was the one who ended the affair because of the guilt because that is not so. But the feelings i had that i thought were pining away for OM suddenly ended as soon as i fessed up to my husband."

 

what an amazing admission by "In A Panic" - that's honesty. Telling your husband was a great thing to do - a step forward and admitting that feelings of guilt still didn't stop u is a brave thing to say. hugs.

[Hard Man]

Guest, Ripples and Mz Pixie (all ladies?),

 

I may have misled you on the subject of the “perfect” husband. I was not referring to a boastful husband who thinks himself perfect and blames everything on his wife – although even in that situation, the wife is not justified in having an affair.

 

What I meant was that a husband may appear to be so “perfect” that it makes an unbearably stressful situation for his wife. Some examples: She may feel unworthy of such a “perfect” person (low self esteem). Or she may see it as a form of manipulation of her (resentment). Or she may want more excitement than is provided by a “perfect” person (“bad boy”). Or she may want more space than the “perfect” husband allows her to have. Or she may want to punish him for making her feel imperfect (revenge). Or she may be she feels he is so “perfect” that she can get away with an A (slut ). The point is that it is not healthy for a husband to focus on being perfect and assume that his wife is following suit; often she is not. He needs also to be practical and down to earth. In particular, he must be less trusting, recognizing that bad stuff happens. As this forum shows, infidelity does happen to nice guys. Is it possible, sometimes, that the husband’s “perfection” makes things worse?

 

On a related point, is it also true that infidelity is more likely if husbands are too soft on their wives? Is a W with a wandering eye less likely to be unfaithful if she knows that her husband would beat her horribly up if she did have an A? I suspect so. Ugly, huh?

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

What I meant was that a husband may appear to be so “perfect” that it makes an unbearably stressful situation for his wife. Some examples: She may feel unworthy of such a “perfect” person (low self esteem). Or she may see it as a form of manipulation of her (resentment). Or she may want more excitement than is provided by a “perfect” person (“bad boy”). Or she may want more space than the “perfect” husband allows her to have. Or she may want to punish him for making her feel imperfect (revenge). Or she may be she feels he is so “perfect” that she can get away with an A (slut ).

 

HM,

 

You are extremely presumptious! Perhaps the above example describes YOUR WIFE, but it certainly does not describe even half the women who have extramarital affairs!! You may continue to believe that you are perfect all you want, I only feel very, very sorry for your W. :sick:

 

On a related point, is it also true that infidelity is more likely if husbands are too soft on their wives? Is a W with a wandering eye less likely to be unfaithful if she knows that her husband would beat her horribly up if she did have an A? I suspect so. Ugly, huh?

 

I think you need to seek counseling for your demented grandious sense of self!! Again, I feel extremely sad for your poor wife. My god, what are you putting her through?

[Sup]

HM,

 

You are extremely presumptious! Perhaps the above example describes YOUR WIFE, but it certainly does not describe even half the women who have extramarital affairs!! You may continue to believe that you are perfect all you want, I only feel very, very sorry for your W. :sick:

 

 

 

I think you need to seek counseling for your demented grandious sense of self!! Again, I feel extremely sad for your poor wife. My god, what are you putting her through?

 

 

Typical of cheaters to come on here and blame BS for mistakes they NEVER made.

[Hard Man]

I seem to have tread on a mine here!

 

Sup,

 

We are missing each other. I was NOT criticizing the woman, I was criticizing the man. Here is what I said:

 

"... a husband may appear to be so “perfect” that it makes an unbearably stressful situation for his wife".

 

The husband here is not truly perfect, he is just claiming to be so. And, in his arrogance, he is making a suffocating environment for his wife. The quotes mean that he is only perfect on his checklist of virtues: he makes the money, buys the house, cuts the grass, doesn't cheat, etc etc. But if he has no love or compassion that "perfection" (in quotes) is not really perfect at all. That was my point. Sorry if I wasn't clear.

 

BTW, There are cases like this on this website.

[Flyin in Clouds]

... I'm still struggling with what is wrong with me & what i must have lacked to do this.

 

It goes by several names. Self control, honor, character...

[LVspecB]

We are missing each other. I was NOT criticizing the woman, I was criticizing the man. Here is what I said:

 

"... a husband may appear to be so “perfect” that it makes an unbearably stressful situation for his wife".

In this case, "perfect" is a synonym for smug, arrogant, self-centered, narcisstic and selfish.

 

LVspecB

[Guest]

When I Was Married I Never Called My Wife - My Wife

 

I Called Her By Her Name - Because That's Who She Was

 

She Called Me By My Name

 

We Had Ups And Downs But We Never Attacked Each Other As A Person...we Looked At The Situation And How It Effected Us...and Never Once Let What Happened Make Us Stop Doing That..

 

Its A Hard Thing To Do But Once U Start...it Is A Wonderful Healing Thing

[Sup]

I seem to have tread on a mine here!

 

Sup,

 

We are missing each other. I was NOT criticizing the woman, I was criticizing the man. Here is what I said:

 

"... a husband may appear to be so “perfect” that it makes an unbearably stressful situation for his wife".

 

The husband here is not truly perfect, he is just claiming to be so. And, in his arrogance, he is making a suffocating environment for his wife. The quotes mean that he is only perfect on his checklist of virtues: he makes the money, buys the house, cuts the grass, doesn't cheat, etc etc. But if he has no love or compassion that "perfection" (in quotes) is not really perfect at all. That was my point. Sorry if I wasn't clear.

 

BTW, There are cases like this on this website.

 

 

Nah, you didn't hit a mine, someone else did. Like I just had posted. All cool MAN.

[mental_traveller]

I agree with you hard man. That is why you should never be a woman's "good guy", but should always keep a bit of a macho/assh*le side and not be overly nice. You've got to be the one she wants to have naughty sex in cheap motel rooms with.

[Flyin in Clouds]

.... As this forum shows, infidelity does happen to nice guys. Is it possible, sometimes, that the husband’s “perfection” makes things worse?

 

No infidelity is the result of a character flaw in the cheater. The "perfect, too good a husband" is just one more in a long list of excuses that cheaters use to justify themselves and so the cheater can say to themselves and everyone else "I really am a decent person, but I make a mistake, I dind't know how it happened, I don't know what's wrong with me, it's my BS's fault, etc. "

 

On a related point, is it also true that infidelity is more likely if husbands are too soft on their wives? Is a W with a wandering eye less likely to be unfaithful if she knows that her husband would beat her horribly up if she did have an A? I suspect so. Ugly, huh?

That does tend to be the Muslim theory...

[InaPanic]

It goes by several names. Self control, honor, character...

 

Oh, FiC, you never cease to amuse me with your holier than thou attitude. thanks god most of us don't take it seriously,

[stoopid_guy]

Oh, FiC, you never cease to amuse me with your holier than thou attitude. thanks god most of us don't take it seriously,

I've always assumed he didn't expect us to.

[Chapter2]

give us the honor of sharing your story. I am so intrigued by the fact that you have posted so many times on LS and have managed to not say a single encouraging word to anyone. I'm not being sarcastic, honestly~~I'm really intrigued and honestly your consistency in negativism is starting to tickle me. We can definitely count on you to provide the harshest, most critical judgement imaginable and I'm starting to look for your posts to see if there is any change in your temperature. So far, none.

 

Would you be willing to share what has shaped such strong opinions in your life? I tried to find any threads started by you but there aren't any...just many replies to other people's threads.

 

Please tell us about yourself FIC~~if you have the courage that is.

 

No infidelity is the result of a character flaw in the cheater. The "perfect, too good a husband" is just one more in a long list of excuses that cheaters use to justify themselves and so the cheater can say to themselves and everyone else "I really am a decent person, but I make a mistake, I dind't know how it happened, I don't know what's wrong with me, it's my BS's fault, etc. "

 

That does tend to be the Muslim theory...

[Flyin in Clouds]

Oh, FiC, you never cease to amuse me with your holier than thou attitude. thanks god most of us don't take it seriously,

 

Yeah, that's why you cheated and I haven't. I take my vows and my word seriously. Apprently you didn't.

 

I don't say that to be mean, but that's how I view it. People aren't serious about sticking to their word. It just isn't important. It's "grey", it's relative, it's... old fashioned.

 

What I don't understand is you seem rather cheerful. Aren't you the least depressed that you destroyed the guy you loved? How do you live with yourself for doing that to someone? Maybe you can start a thread on that.

 

As to holier than thou... yes...

 

If I robbed a bank and you hadn't, would you be holier than me? Yes.

If I murdered someone and you hadn't, would you be holier than me? Yes.

Well I haven't cheated on my spouse or a gf - ever.

 

Could I / Would I ever cheat? I suppose anything is possible. I could rob a bank someday or murder someone but so far I haven't.

 

So have you figured out yet how your A was your H's fault yet InaPanic? Just curious ...