Guest Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I broke your trust again last night. Just like the other times you don't know about. It hurts me to see you love me so, when I do the things that would break your heart. This letter is for a thousand apologies I can never give you. For your heart. For letting me pick what channel to watch on tv. For not letting me walk alone in the rain. For all the little things you don't know you do, and all the things you want to, and succeed in doing for me. You're the one I want. That I know. So why do I stray, when I already have it? Why can't I just prove your trust in me isn't unfounded? Why would I look, when I've already found you? Keep giving these songs to someone else... when I get high just from breathing you...just imagining you. Why couldn't I have just imagined you? I can't believe I would allow myself to fall back to you so easily. I disappoint myself, and I break his heart. If he knew. If he really knew what went on. And I hate myself for every minute of last night. Because he deserves better. Because he loves me, and you don't know what love is. I have someone else. Why do I have to go and try to hurt him then? Why do I want to break this trust? And I can't even bring myself to tell him. All the things you said to me last night. Just like all the things you've said to me in the past.... you won't remember them today. I knew last night you wouldn't remember. I guess that's my mistake for even listening to what you say, and remembering every detail. You don't know what you're saying, or what you're doing. I used to think that we would both date other people, then in years, you'd be mine, we'd have each other. But now.. like I told you last night, I don't believe that anymore. You've taught me to not have that much faith in what you do. The one person that I wanted to trust the most.. that could get away with almost anything... well, you certainly let yourself, didn't you? Don't tell me you love me now. You lost your chance long ago. Don't tell me I'm the only girl you've ever loved. That everytime you see me, you feel pain. Don't tell me you can't help what you feel... because that's exactly what you've been doing for the past year, you could always conveniently detach yourself. Let you love me.... that's what I tried to do for a long time. And now, now that I let myself walk away, why do you come back? PLEASE... don't try to compare yourself to him. Don't make me choose. But don't doubt me.. at that moment, I would have chosen for you to die. You know that in all the other moments, I might have wanted you to be the one to live. Because you do mean the world to me, though no one knows why. Because I loved you, I love you, and I will always love you, somewhere deep in my heart. It just can't be like that anymore. You make it hard to see that, when you tell me just to answer you so we can both get to sleep. When you make me choose. When all I would have done is just hold you, that would have been closure enough for me. Though I swear to myself I had that a long time ago. And realizing what you actually wanted.. I still deny it in my mind. Why can't we just have our fun tonight? Because it's not fun for me anymore. When I laugh, everytime after you say something.. you know I'm not laughing at you. I'm bracing myself. Doubting my ears. Because I can't believe you would still say those things to me. And when I cry, It's because I never thought I would see you like this. Never thought we would be like this. Because I didn't understand when you told me it just couldn't be me... and now, telling you we just can't be. I used to think I wanted to you turn back to me. I wanted to you say you're sorry to me. Well I'm sorry to you and I'm sorry for wanting you to turn back. Last night I realized it only pained me more. There was no triumph of winning finally, or having you finally. Because you no longer had what I wanted, and though I wanted so bad just to do what you wanted, and make you happy.... I don't think I ever could. I can't possibly make you happy when I love someone else. And though last night proved nothing of my trust.. I do love him. I will go on loving him. I suppose the rest is up to him. I am not going back to you, nor forward to you. I just hope in my heart that I haven't lost you. Though I'm sure, and I fear, that things will seem the same. They alway seem the same. Because no matter what you say or what you promise, you can always be unaffected by everything I do.
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