Walk Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 Help me out here.. I'm feeling guilty and I didn't do anything wrong. So why am I feeling guilty? This is retarded. I'm innocent I tells ya! Anyway.. I've know the guy since I was 20. (I'm 32 now) We're friends. Nothing more. He's had several chances to make moves on me if he had wanted to. I don't want to date him, and I'm not attracted to him. He's great as a friend, but definitely not my type. He is not interested in me "in that way", and has very blatantly stated this. Very blatantly in words stated this. Both of us understand that its friendship, nothing more, and both of us like it that way. It's a nice, comfy acquaintance where we can go months without talking and neither of us is offended. But every freaking time I talk to the guy I feel guilty. My bf knows about him. He's met him a couple times. But I think my bf's kind of jealous. I've talked to my bf twice about the friend. Told him how I view the friend, and tried to reassure him that there's nothing to worry about. The friend and I don't flirt, we don't talk about relationships, we dont' talk about anythign sexual at all... it's all very surface level interaction. Nothing hugely deep, but the guy is a TALKER. He will keep me on the phone for 40 minutes at a time.. I have to blatantly end conversations with him, like "I have to go now." Him: blah blah blah blah.. Me: "I have to go.. Bye." But I'm worried... what if my bf see's a long conversations on the phone bill and starts getting it into his head that I'm doing stuff I shouldn't. I don't exactly have a stellar past life. My bf knows my whole disgusting, sordid past... and I'll tell you, it aint pretty. Anyway.. I just got off the phone with my friend.. and my God, it was like an hour long. I finally had to tell him I had a exam tomorrow I had to study for just so he'd hang up... But what do I do now? I KNOW where my mind would go if I saw my SO had been talking for an hour to a female friend. Besides.. who ever heard of a guy talking for a dang hour? What do I do though? Do I tell my bf that I talked to my friend tonight so he doesn't freak out if he see's the phone bill? But then, won't I look guilty for something if I do that? Chances are extremely high that my bf won't look at the detail list of phone calls that list times. He'll probably never even know... But what if he does see it? God.. I feel like I have to defend my actions, and I didn't do anything wrong.... This is stupid. It's just that I still feel guilty about everything I did in the past, and any time I even do something that COULD potentially be percieved as nudging the line, then all that past guilt slams into me like a ton of bricks... And then I ACT guilty. I start explaining why I'm not before there's even the question of guilt from my SO.... That whole "I think she protests too much" kind of thing... What do I do? What makes it worse is that my bf is gone all week for his job now. He's dropped a comment a time or two about how I could be out doing anything and he'd never know. I know those "what ifs" have crossed his mind on occasion. Hell, they've crossed mine about him on occasion too. But we have a really solid foundation of trust, so I don't worry. Just that.. my past really could cast a lot of shadows on that trust. Maybe I could slide in a comment about talking to my friend tonight.. but that won't explain why it was such a long phone call.. Man.. this is why I stopped talking to him for a long while. I couldnt' figure out what to do or say to ease my SO's doubts because I FELT guilty for even talking to the guy on a rare occasion. Seriously... the friend and I talk about retarded stuff. He knows my brother really well so we have a bitchfest about him, we talk about how much it sucks to be the only sibling without kids and how every one treats people with kids like they're special... stupid stuff. He's into lucid dreaming, so he goes on and on about that... It just irritates me that I feel guilty.. And I feel like I act really guilty when I'm talking to my bf. So then I try NOT to act guilty, and I feel like I'm acting fake, and then I think he notices I'm acting weird, and I worry he's going to think I am doing somethign I shouldn't... Dammit! I'm not even doing anything wrong! I'm as close to saint hood as you can get right now. I won't even make eye contact with a guy when I'm out. How do I approach this so that my bf doesn't harbor doubts about my trustworthiness, and so that I don't appear as though I'm hiding something. Honestly.. if you went by my past, I probably shouldn't be trusted any further than you can throw me. So why he does is beyond me.. but I don't want to damage that in anyway. How do I approach this?
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 You're letting your mind worry too much. Walk, you have nothing to worry about at all! If your boyfriend can't see this guy isn't into you and you know that he isn't and you're not into him then there's no reason to feel guilty... Why not get the friend to hang out with you and your boyfriend sometimes so he can get to know him better. It IS okay to have male friends, especially ones who you can gab with and laugh! Not ALL male-female friendships end up in affairs or wandering thoughts. I have 3 close men friends, 2 I've known since I was a baby, we all grew up together. One of them is probably one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life and we have talked on the phone many times, my hubby has no problem with this either because he knows there is NOTHING going. It's just fun to have a pal. You trust yourself, so that is what matters...Your bf has to let you live life and not get caught up in who you "might" be talking to when you're out and about in pubic. Try to relax, you're not doing anything wrong.
Author Walk Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 You're letting your mind worry too much. Why not get the friend to hang out with you and your boyfriend sometimes so he can get to know him better. Your bf has to let you live life and not get caught up in who you "might" be talking to when you're out and about in pubic. Try to relax, you're not doing anything wrong. Thanks WWIU! I worry far too much about stupid things. hahaha I introduced my bf and the friend a couple years ago.. but my bf didn't like the friend very much. Didn't hate him or anything, just nothing at all in common, nothing to really talk about, and I was clueless on how to integrate both of them into a conversation they'd both enjoy. My bf has been incredibly trusting throughout the relationship. I have to say that it's been a blessing to be with someone who treats me with that kind of respect. I never want to give him a reason to feel that showing me trust was a mistake. Thanks again! I feel better now.
Sand&Water Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 Reply: Whichwayisup, said it nicely. Great advice. I, absolutely, think you should calm down and relax. You are not doing anything wrong. I believe you should continue, IF you wish, to talk to your male friend. In addition, IF your boyfriend asks you about him -tell him the truth. Your boyfriend, has the right to know, when it does arise. And, you have the right to engage in platonic relationships. Don't worry, about it. I hope you haven't gone insane yet, Walk. Warm Regards, Sand&Water
tanbark813 Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 If your boyfriend can't see this guy isn't into you and you know that he isn't and you're not into him then there's no reason to feel guilty... Actually she said that he IS into her. She just doesn't feel the same way. I don't think you're necessarily doing something evil, Walk, but it is a bit disrespectful to your bf to have long conversations with a guy who you know wants to get on you.
chocolate_boy Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 Actually she said that he IS into her. She just doesn't feel the same way. I don't think you're necessarily doing something evil, Walk, but it is a bit disrespectful to your bf to have long conversations with a guy who you know wants to get on you. I've wondered if it is.. my girlfriend has always had more guy friends than girls, and several.... maybe about 20 of them are into her, 10 of them stopped talking to her when we hooked up, there are 3 of them that are "in love with her" but she just sees them as friends (she is 20, I'm her first real boyfriend, she is a bit niave about guys). Infact she's away this weekend and staying with a family friend of hers who is a guy in his 30s who has professed strong feelings for her.. she has kissed him once, but now that we're together she asked if I'd mind if she stayed at his, and if I did she wouldn't. However she can't afford a hotel for four days, so I said ok, as he's helping her with her career too. I do to be honest feel a bit jealous, but I do trust her. But is it disrespectful? That's an interesting debate.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 Actually she said that he IS into her. She just doesn't feel the same way. I don't think you're necessarily doing something evil, Walk, but it is a bit disrespectful to your bf to have long conversations with a guy who you know wants to get on you. Ditto! I agree here as well.
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