Dating girl 4 months -- no sex yet!

[bigmil]

I need your help. Ive been dating this girl for 4 months and things have been getting progressively more intense emotionally and physically. We've been having a lot of fun. She will do pretty much everything with me except actual penetration. Ive talked to her about it mulitple times and it's never a fun conversation. She says that she wants to be with me and that she wants to have a relationship with me and that she likes me. She says that "it'll happen", and that it will be "soon" She's been saying that for 2 months now. She says that when I tallk about it she feels pressured and it makes it worse and that it'll actually take longer. Last Saturady she said that it'll be "in a week or so". I let it go at that until last night when she wasn't down for anything. Right now she has had a tampon in for about a week and a half because of spotting due to a depo-provera shot. She says that is why she doesn't want to have sex right now. I feel bad because I feel like Im being rejected in a way. It hurts. So, I don't want to keep asking and come off as begging or seeming desperate or whatever but what the hell should I do? I feel like I've invested too much to let her go. Plus, I like her and want to keep her around cause she's a lot of fun and really cute.

I explained to her that I need 100% intimacy from a gf in order for her to be my gf. I dont want to throw out ultimatums. It seems like her interest level and desire are strong. Do you all think Im being played? What should I do? This is a very stressful situation and I need some help as I've never dealt with a girl like this before. Your advice is greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[clynn]

You either wait or stop waiting and break up with her.

 

But you can't keep pressuring her.

 

And you can't expect her to have sex with you for the first time while she is spotting. That might be okay for some people, and particularly after the relationship has started, but not the first time you have sex. Unlikely.

[lovestruck234]

I can understand COMPELTELY how frustrated you would be....

 

I can't go ONE DAY without sex. Lol. So I don't know how you're doing it!

 

I have a friend who didn't have sex with his girlfriend for a year an a half. As in, they hadn't had it until just last week. She just kept saying no.

He would often say he wanted to get rid of her because of this reason, and I assured him that if you just gave it time, she will become more comfortable.

 

There is nothing worse than being pressured, but I also know there is nothing worse than being rejected. It sucks. You just have to give her time.

 

It's also important that you talk to her and say the right things. Tell her that having sex with her is very important to you and how special you want it to be. Don't say you're getting stressed over it, cos that's going to make her back up even more. Tell her you are prepared to wait as long as she wants to, but you feel as though you are drifting away from her, that you want to feel that intimacy with her... and even so, tell her you feel rejected and hurt when she says no (not stressed, just rejected), and that you feel as though it has something to do with you that she keeps saying no...

 

Even just try EVERY NOW AND THEN, not all the time, to coax her while you're lying in bed. Get her really hot and excited and see if she may open up to you then...

 

Bottom line, patience, my dear, patience! You will just have to wait if she's not ready, If you're not prepared to do that, then leave, but I am certain you care about her enough to stay...

 

Nice, steady, coaxing and reminders every now and then is the best way.

 

 

Good luck!

[funkify]

OK, I know it must be hard but there are several reasons she could be holding out.

 

1) She is waiting until she feels completely comfortable and 100% commitment on both sides. The more serious she takes the relationship, the longer she will wait for the time to be 'just right'. Take it as a compliment. Women see sex as an emotional investment, rather than a physical one. This is the most likely scenario

 

2) Is it possible she is a virgin?

 

I highly doubt she's playing games. Why? She's missing out on the fun too.

 

As others have said STOP PRESSURING HER. There's nothing that would turn her off more. A guy who keeps pressuring a girl is a jerk in women's eyes. But it doesn't seem like you are so don't make her think that.

[Stunner]

You might want to consider that there has been some sexual trauma in her past...just a thought.

 

Four months is much longer than I could wait....

[bigmil]

no she's not a virgin but she's only been with 3 people according to her and she is 28 y.o.

she says she wants to and it's just situational factors holding here back at this point (being sick, spotty bleeding, etc.)

so I guess once the bleeding is gone I should expect sex..

I'm definelty not going to wait a year and a half. That's crazy.

I've already told her that it makes me feel rejected. I'm used to girls being very responsive sexually. She is as far as handjobs go and some horrible head but that's it. It seems to be getting progressively better but I'll continue to feel rejected until she gives me 100% intimacy. It is a horrible feeling to not be able to be intimate with the one you care about.

[bigmil]

I will stop pressuring her but and I don't want to lose her as I care about her but I can't help but feel that she's being selfish by not putting out.

I think I'm very sexually attractive and I can pick up girls easily so I know it's not an attraction thing.

She said her last relationship was 4 years and she had a high comfort level so she is used to that. She says she is completely over that relationship but that she wants the same comfort level.

What gets me is that she keeps saying that "it'll be soon" and "it'll just happen."

She also acts like Im somehow in the wrong by bringing the issue up which pisses me off because Im a guy and I need sex.

mainly my issue is a hurt feeling because of a feeling of rejection.

[lovestruck234]

Eeeek. Didn't realise how crappy it really is...

 

Hand jobs and some shoddy head jobs? Ugh. I'll pass. As a girl, I am VERY VERY concerned about my SO in the sack, rather than me. If he doesn't come and I do, I will keep going until he does. It should work both ways in every relationship, just the same as it should work with yours!

 

Respect her lack of motivation this week cos of her spotting and feeling sick. Don't push it at the moment...

 

She's not a virgin.....lol makes me think how long her other partners spent on trying to crack her?... Do you know her ex's? I know you probably don't really want to, but it would help knowing what she was like in previous relationships, if she acted the same as what she is now??

 

Anyway, keep GENTLY coaxing her with subtle hints and lots of affection...

 

Don't really know what else to say, but it's time to clear those cobwebs out of her moo moo!!!

[lovestruck234]

mainly my issue is a hurt feeling because of a feeling of rejection.

 

 

HA! Don't know about anyone else, but my main issue would be feeling like I was going to explode! Man, I would be so so so so so so so so so so horny it wouldn't even be funny! I would start sexing the first thing in sight!!

[bigmil]

LOL. In the handjob department I extremely satisfied. What makes this girl so great is she is gorgeous and has high sex appeal. Her personality is fun and she is successful and super smart. I like her a lot as a person but the lackluster "sex" thus far has left me dissapointed.

I don't want to lose her because of her beauty and personality and status but ****! Im going nuts.

She seems like she could be a sexual dynamo given time though.

I asked if she waited this long with her exes and she said, "sometimes" which probably mean "no"

that makes it hard too -- it hurts to think that some douchebag banged her right off the bat and I have to wait. I'm fluctuating between anger and feeling hurt. This sucks.

I asked her how the bleeding was today and she said that it's less so maybe this weekend but who the ****s knows.

[lovestruck234]

Hmmmm....*nods*....

 

I see. That would make it pretty frustrating. Someone who "looks" like they could be a demon in the sack, yet....they've got cobwebs. Yep, I know the one...

 

People like that I actually respect. Because they not only use their bodies to it's potential, it's obvious your girl uses hers, but they respect the fact that they have appeal. They know what men would think of them, so they chose NOT to follow that. That's cool.

 

Although, back to the sex part. I know dear, it must suck. But think on the bright side, while you are being faithful, patient and caring toward her, you've got her all to yourself!

 

Sorry, I keep going off topic here. I know it's hard to think at this point in time with a penis raging, but try and imagine you were her. (I know, I told you it was hard, but...ok, first think of cold showers and wrinkly grannies....right, now imagine you are her) how would you feel? What would be your thoughts?

 

You know what I think she is thinking. Well, this is what I would be thinking. "I really do want to have sex with him, I do, but I don't feel as though I'm ready yet. And it hurts me to think that he thinks I'm rejecting him. I love him alot. I wish he would realise that"...

 

You haven't got much to worry about, my dear. Apart from getting hairy palms and going blind from all the masturbating but it will come good in it's own time. Lol, kidding.

 

Try this weekend. Just TRY. Don't FORCE anything. You could always suggest going out for a FEW drinks. By few I mean, dont' get her plastered. Then, go back to the LovePad and see what happens...

 

Suggest a little...hmm....tousling? Or, initiate it. Start to kiss her, then on the neck, start to unbutton her shirt, slowly remove it, caress her breasts, kiss her tummy, down to her pants. Slowly breathe on them and start to unbutton them....anyway, youre the sex god here. You'll know what to do.

 

You MUST report back to us and update on the situation!

 

I truly do hope you get in....but I remember what it was like getting forced into things you don't want to do. You don't enjoy it and you loose any attraction you had for that person. Just be gentle...

 

[norajane]

so I guess once the bleeding is gone I should expect sex..

 

I can't help but feel that she's being selfish by not putting out.

 

She also acts like Im somehow in the wrong by bringing the issue up which pisses me off because Im a guy and I need sex.

 

I don't want to lose her because of her beauty and personality and status

 

it hurts to think that some douchebag banged her right off the bat and I have to wait.

 

Sorry, dude, but with that attitude - and I'm certain it comes through to her when you talk to her about this - you wouldn't be gettin' any from me either.

 

You should never expect sex. You should be loving and charming and seduce her so that she wants sex.

 

If you only see it as her putting out, you obviously are BSing when you talk of intimacy. Intimacy involves being emotionally close. You are acting like a selfish, spoiled child who isn't getting his ice cream when he wants it, pout, pout.

 

I'm a guy and I need sex isn't going to make her feel like you desire her, that you want sex with her - it makes you sound like all you care about is putting your dick in the hole and it hardly matters who the hole belongs to...oh yeah, except that this hole has beauty and status.

 

Maybe the previous douchebags she was with treated her like she's a treasure and they were lucky to be with her instead of pushing her to have sex before she's ready.

 

Get over yourself or you're never gonna get any.

[bigmil]

LOL. You are a ridiculus person. I like this girl -- I feel emotionally connected to her but hey guess what? I'm a guy and I want sex. All guys do. Get real. You sound like a bitter man-hater.

[norajane]

LOL. You are a ridiculus person. I like this girl -- I feel emotionally connected to her but hey guess what? I'm a guy and I want sex. All guys do. Get real. You sound like a bitter man-hater.

 

Keep laughing as you get nothing from your girl.

[insomnie]

Sorry, dude, but with that attitude - and I'm certain it comes through to her when you talk to her about this - you wouldn't be gettin' any from me either.

 

You should never expect sex. You should be loving and charming and seduce her so that she wants sex.

 

If you only see it as her putting out, you obviously are BSing when you talk of intimacy. Intimacy involves being emotionally close. You are acting like a selfish, spoiled child who isn't getting his ice cream when he wants it, pout, pout.

 

I'm a guy and I need sex isn't going to make her feel like you desire her, that you want sex with her - it makes you sound like all you care about is putting your dick in the hole and it hardly matters who the hole belongs to...oh yeah, except that this hole has beauty and status.

 

Maybe the previous douchebags she was with treated her like she's a treasure and they were lucky to be with her instead of pushing her to have sex before she's ready.

 

Get over yourself or you're never gonna get any.

 

 

What she said.

[lovestruck234]

Now now....

 

A few of norajane's points are valid. She has said, as lot of us have reinforced, not to pressure her. I see that as a fair statement.

 

Yes, we all know that guys like sex, alot! So do some women (*waves hand*) MEEE!! And sometimes it can be the opposite way around, either way, you have to accomodate to each person.

 

I can see you are the type of guy who has somewhat a reasonable amount of paitence, so try your very hardest to stretch that patience out for a bit longer. This weekend it might happen, it might not. There is always the next weekend. And the weekend after...

 

Try and be seductive though. It does work. Grrr, I know my boyfriend can work it pretty well on me!! You will see...

 

I believe you care and love this girl a fair bit, then SHOW her you love her, by doing things you know she loves...not necessarily sexually, but can lead to...

 

This doesn't mean going to a romantic lookout, unzipping your fly and saying "Suck it, B*tch!!' hmmm...MIGHT not work. Lol, (I know you wouldn't do that)...

 

Just for now, see how this weekend goes, and you know, the more you try not to think about it and go about this weekend with the intention on not having sex, you'll see the more likely it is it will happen!!

[insomnie]

Maybe your girlfriend feels sex should be an expression of love between two people. And maybe she isn't feeling so loved by you when you say things like "I need for a girl to be 100% intimate with me (give me 100% of herself) before she can be my girlfriend (before I give her any of myself)," "She is as far as handobs go and some horrible head," and "What makes her so great is her high sexual appeal," and "I don't want to lose her because of her status."

 

Sorry, just doens't sound like you love her, at least not yet. And for some people perceived love is an necessary condition for sex to occur. So, my suggestion is you either wait until SHE is ready, if you feel she is worth it....or find someone who views sex more like you do. More like an extracurricular than an intimate act of love.

 

No judgement whatsoever from me, I just don't really think you and she are compatible on this one...and I don't think you should pressure her into compromising her beliefs.

[Walk]

I'm really not sure what to think on this one..

 

You ever thought that maybe she's a bit concerned that you only want her for sex and after that you'll toss her? Cause if you said half the stuff to me, that you've posted on here, I'd be holding out too. It wouldn't be to "hurt" you, but to protect my heart.

 

Listen... I understand the intense desire to be intimate with the person you love.. But I haven't heard the word love even once. I've heard that she's hot, that your friends think she's hot, and that she increases your social status. But ... no love. And no mention that you're headed that way.

 

If you want sex with her because you wish to share that emotional bond together, then great! I'm all for it. But frankly, I'm not convinced that's your motive... and I'm wondering if your girl is picking up the same vibe. If she is, even slightly... then she's NOT going to feel comfortable having sex with you.

 

If she even has a single question as to your motives toward sex... then she's not going to feel comfortable havign sex with you. If she is hot, then she's probably had a million other men who wanted to have sex with her, and who have tried every play in the book. She probably has guards up against being used. And pressuring her (early in the relationship too) about sex is probably sending off a million warning bells in her head.

 

You'd really give an ultimatum over this? You'd only prove that you just wanted her for the sex. Even if it's not right.. she'll think it.

 

I hate giving you ideas on how to get your way since I don't agree with your mind set on this.. but the more you bring up sex, the more she's going to start thinking you only want her for sex, and the further away you'll get from ever getting any. Drop the word sex from your vocabulary.. and start telling her how much you enjoy her personality, her hobbies, her ideas.. blah blah.. HER. The inside of her that you can't reach with your dick. The inner her is what's special. You make her believe that you care for nothign but that, and you're golden. Hell, next time you two are fooling around stop things and let her know that you don't want to pressure her again.. and that you think you two should stop and do something else. ie.. stop pushing. Equal it out and get rid of the power play that's occuring.

 

Or maybe it's just the spotting... what do I know.

[bigmil]

the reality is that I really care about her a lot. I have done a lot of things with her over the past 4.5 months that have nothing to do with sex. We hang out and enjoy each other. I'm a caring and loving boyfriend to her and I want to be there for her. I feel like we're falling in love and that feels great. I want to have sex with her not to get my rocks off but rather to feel the emotional closeness that comes with being intimate. I'm not asking her to compromise her values as she believes its ok to have sex. She tells me that she wants to have sex with me and that she wants to have a relationship with me. My problem is that it seems like she is reluctant to do it. That makes me frustrated. After this long I would expect it to happen on its own. Since it hasn't I assumed she wasn't into me. When I ask her though she says it's not that -- it's just these situational things now which I think are really excuses.

So maybe it's something else -- past trauma or something. I'm completely willing to work through something like that with her and to be patient and supportive but she hasn't told me anything like that. She is reluctant to even discuss sex which is also frustrating. I know I should probably just try to relax.

And Im sure that my chances are better if I don't pressure her or even try too hard. Gotta have it though. No sex is a deal breaker for whatever reason she has.

[bigmil]

Walk your advice is dead-on. Thinking back to some of the conversations with her I think that's what is going on in her head. She probably thinks I'll hit it and run.

I appreciate your advice and I really do want to be closer to her -- to fall in love.

Jesus, the more I think about it the more I think you are right. Im going to take your advice and just enjoy being with her.

I guess I was sounding a little cro-magnon. I was kinda like, "me want sex -- me mad" (like a caveman)

 

excellent advice.

[noclobber]

I am not sure about your situation 100% but I can give you one solid advice. I learnt this right here in LoveShack.

 

This is it => If you give boyfriend time and boyfriend energy to a girl but don't receive boyfriend benefits then you are being played!!!

 

The women here will tell you that your girlfriend is great, you should continue, blah blah blah.....

 

If YOU feel that she is not giving as much as you are giving then LEAVE!!

 

Women will talk about affection, caring for each other, and all that stuff. But if there is no sex then you are not her boyfriend and she is not your girlfriend. You are just friends!!

 

This girl is refusing to sleep with you. Just think for yourself - If a girl really likes you won't she want you to kiss her? make love to her? have sex?

 

Save your dignity and leave. It's not being selfish, it's about self-respect.

[scammy]

Self-respect does not equal sex. Respecting your body and mind equals self-respect. That girl sounds like a classy lady she respects herself keeps her intimate partners to a minimum so as to protect her physical and emotional well being. Three cheers for the classy beautiful moral lady!

[noclobber]

Self-respect does not equal sex. Respecting your body and mind equals self-respect. That girl sounds like a classy lady she respects herself keeps her intimate partners to a minimum so as to protect her physical and emotional well being. Three cheers for the classy beautiful moral lady!

 

If the situation were reversed and the guy doesn't give his time and attention to a woman that is giving so much of herself, I bet you wouldn't say "Cheers to that wonderful man"

[scammy]

um no I would say hi...

because a man did exactly that to me did not want to have an intimate affair with me but wanted to play dominos and talk about chemistry...

guess what over two years later he is still my friend what a cowinky dink! just chatted with him in between posting tonight.

He was wishy washy about me so I did what any self respecting person would do I put aside my physical attraction for him and took time to get to know him and did not let it affect my self esteem I think you are beating a dead horse clobber. Like I said re-evaluate same sex relationships and physical attraction

[MsArtful]

I can't help but feel that she's being selfish by not putting out.

 

She does not have to have sex with you if she doesn't want to! It's selfish of YOU to think this.