First Time Post, Breaking Up - What can I do?

[neci]

Hi,

 

First post as you can see.. I stumbled across this forum recently and reading about other peoples expieriences has helped me, so I thought id share my story in hopes it will help.

 

Basically, I recently broke up with my Gf, or more accuratly she broke up with me. She tells me that she still has feelings for an ex, she doesnt want to go back to him because she knows it cant work, she just wants to be alone. This came right out of the blue... I didnt see it comming in the slighest, one day things were fantastic, the next... I cant figure whether she has feelings for me or not...

 

I dont know what to do right now... I just feel hollow, The thing is we had only been together a short time, 2 months or so. I have been in a few relationships before but I dont think I have ever really loved anyone (im fairly young, 19) But now.. I have never felt anything like this towards anyone, I cannot imagine wanting anything more than wanting to be with her right now. I try to console myself thinking of other potential partners, but everyone just seems pale by comparisson, its cliche but at this moment she seems perfect...

 

We spoke after the break up for a day or two, lapsing back into friendship (we were friends beforehand) but now shes gone on holiday for 3 weeks (left a week ago) And now I just miss her desperatly... I feel empty. Im clinging to hopes that when she comes back she will realise the mistake shes making, but I know thats probably just a dream. The time I speant with her just feels like hours from another persons life, never anything like it before, and now I have nothing again.

 

I just dont know what to do... When she gets back I will inevitably want to talk to her and try to reconsile, but I dont know whether thats wise... I just know its all I want. Whilst im not horribly depressed anymore, I was for a few days. I just am trying to forget, I think of her always, and how much I want it to be the same.

 

What can I do...

 

Thanks

[Tormented]

What can I do...

 

Unfortunately...sounds like you were her rebound. Doesn't mean she feels nothing for you. Good chances are she does have feelings for you, especially so if you and she were friends before the relationship, but because she didn't deal with her hurt/sadness/anger with the ex, her feelings for you can't grow. That's the problem with rebounds...they're a quick fix to the pain of a breakup, but it's only temporary.

 

Best thing for you to do is send her a letter or call her and let her know that should she need you....let it be for a shoulder to cry on, emotional support, a friend she can talk to, you will be there for her.

 

And after that....let it go.

 

You have opened the door for her, but it has to be HER decision to walk through it. She has your number, address, email...and if she wants to reach you, she knows how.

 

I know it's hard...believe me I know. But if you pursue her at this point, you'll probably push her away for good.

 

Stay strong and keep posting. It helps!

 

~T~

[neci]

I'd definatly thought about the rebound thing... But there were three months or so in between thier break up and us starting out. I dont think, the hardest thing is the speed it happened, I mean there was real physical attraction between us, and we talked ALL the time, and sudenly in the space of a few hous it all changed. Just left me confused, thinking wtf surly we can fix this...

 

But your probably right, like i said im just clinging to false hopes

 

Thanks

[simon_uk]

I can understand your pain and confusion. A similar thing happened with me recently.

 

I was only with my girl for about 3 months. Everything was going great, she was the one making all the plans for the future, talking of moving in with me etc then within days everything changed and she wasnt ready for a relationship.

 

I dont think I was a rebound as she has been out of a relationship for months and as far as I know the last bf was abusive and mistreated her.

 

However, what I do know is that she has a lot of unresolved issues from her past. Things she needs to solve for herself.

 

I have not contacted her since the day after we split up which is two months ago. It is hard, so hard. Some days I feel ok, others, like Wednesday night I cried for two hours.

 

She seemed so perfect, I really felt so strongly for her in such a short time. She also told me she felt the same way, so it was such a shock when ran.

 

Take Care and try not to pressure her.

 

Simon

 

PS Your age has nothing to do with your feelings. I am 38 and feel just the same.

[neci]

Thanks Simon,

sounds horribly familiar, the age was more a reference to the fact I hadnt really been in a relationship where I'd felt so strongly about someone before, Ive been through break ups... In the past I just always felt bad but 'oh well. somthing else will happen' kind of attitude, this is just so different. It really helps to know that other people of all ages and whatever feel the way I do.

 

One thing that just preys on my mind is whether she actually wants to just go back to him but doesnt want to tell me... In a way that would be easier, at least its a tangible reason I can grasp, I think it would help me to let go in the long run, would probably crush me for a while though. Its so difficult knowing (or assuming) shes now single, in the light of the time we had together I cant help hoping for another chance...

 

When she gets back I know I will want to talk to her so much... I just dont want to push her away for good, which I think is somthing I may have already started to do... Having no contact is probably good for me right now, just at random times, whem im alone usually, wanting to talk at least is just like a crushing weight, I cant help thinking about when shes going to be back.

 

Sigh... Life is hard sometimes

Such ecstacy to this...

[simon_uk]

Well from experience I have chased people after a breakup before and pushed them further away. That is why this time I have stuck to NC completely. It is hard but a lot easier than getting a mouthful of abuse.

 

It is actually my ex's birthday next week. It has been 8 weeks NC and I am considering sending her a card. Whether I will or not, I am still unsure.

 

I would suggest you wait for her to contact you, even if that takes years. I may well take my own advice. ?????

 

Good Luck Bro

 

Simon

[neci]

Talk of the devil

Shes back on the 28th... 30th is her birthday. As i said we were talking and stuff before she left again. Im not sure whether its a good idea to get her somthing/card or whatever, nothing big... On one hand its just a nice gesture, on the other it might come off as clingy/wierd.

[mending_heart]

Wow, all these stories are bringing up unpleasant memories of the past

 

I was also in a short relationship with a girl (3 months), but things ended abruptly. Everything was great, we couldnt be happier. Of course life changes, and in a matter of days she broke up with me. Her first reason was that she thought it wasnt fair to me she still thought about her ex (who she was broken up with for 8 months), and later she insisted she wasnt "ready for a relationship" *rolls eyes*. She seemed very confused at the time.

 

To this day I still question whether I was a rebound or not -- even though I know deep inside the answer is yes. I guess when you fall hard for someone (she was my first love) its hard to grasp reality.

 

Tormented made a good point about people not dealing with their past. Some people havent taken the time to resolve their issues and believe tucking them away will fix it (thats their problem, let them deal with it). Of course, those issues will only rear its ugly head again.

 

So in essence, no contact is generally the remedy for a break up. It allows you to heal and time to grow as person. NC shouldnt be iniated for the purpose of making the other person realize they've made a mistake; false hope is very destructive. So dont contact that person for their b-day or whatever reason you've managed to conjure up as a legitimate excuse to contact that person. If they want to talk, they will contact you (also, dont hope they will contact you...move on!)

 

Heal well my heartbroken compadre's

[neci]

Sounds familiar...

The more and more I think about it the 'First Love' idea seems more and more probable, makes it harder to accept but at least I know why I feel this way.

 

On the NC thing, I dont think I could ever do it out of spite for her. Its very strage... Whilst I hate the way I am feeling and wish it would stop, Ive never once connected the hate/anger with her - the direct cause of it... One thing I may not have said is that she pretty much initiated the romantic portion of our relationship. So in all honesty I think I would have a legitimate reason to hold some anger for her, she started this with me knowing whatever she knows about how she feels, and then throws me away... But I really dont hold it against her for some reason, all I know is love for her.

 

But as I mentioned she is on holiday right now, so im in a state of forced NC right now and im finding it really difficult to handle. Its kinda semi long distance, hour and a half journey or somthing so we generally speak alot on MSN. I can try not talking to her but if she initiates a conversation with me I dont know if I could really not talk back... The part of me that still wants to hope that we can reconcile wouldnt be able to resist i dont think.

 

Just gonna take this oppertunity to thank everyone who has answered me here also, helps more than I could have imagined. Keeping busy has helped too, this happened at a bit of a bad time for me, like a month and a bit into first year of University, had a bit of a social lul due to alot of work and I think that was really damaging for me going through this, but yeah went out for the night today with friends and it felt fantastic just to be back 'about' again. Best advice I can give to anyone going through a break up who reads this is just get out and about with friends, felt so good after being shut up and depressed for the past week or so.

[neci]

Just had another thought,

What in you guys opinions is the 'correct' way to react if she chooses to initiate conversation with me.. Ive decided I am going to try not talk to her, what is the best thing if she talks to me? bearing in mind I would like a 'second chance' more than anything... : /

[shawn_68]

Just had another thought,

What in you guys opinions is the 'correct' way to react if she chooses to initiate conversation with me.. Ive decided I am going to try not talk to her, what is the best thing if she talks to me? bearing in mind I would like a 'second chance' more than anything... : /

 

I agree with you about letting her come to you. It's a wise choice.

 

I would just be friendly and aggreable. Keep things peaceful. Don't even talk about the relationship unless she brings it up first. And if she does, listen and understand what she's saying. Don't try to "convince" her of anything.

 

Realize that if she really does want out, nothing you say or do will change anything. So just keep things on a positive note. And then leave her alone.

 

Even if she never comes back, YOU will be appreciated much more.

 

You will be ok, bro.

[shawn_68]

I dont know what to do right now... I just feel hollow, The thing is we had only been together a short time, 2 months or so.

 

Neci,

 

I noticed that you two were only together for 2 months. Very often when this happens, it is because the relationship is developing too rapidly. Emotions become too strong too soon. The result is that one of the parties usually gets scared off.

 

If you think this could be a factor, consider this if you get back together. Or consider this in your next relationship.

 

Take your time. Very important.

[neci]

I had not really considered that shawn, but you could be quite right. I mentioned it was semi long distance, like 1 1/2 hours, with me just starting Uni I was only able to see her on weekends really, we would talk like every night for ages, so maybe too much going on with too little 'physical' contact. Ill definatly bear it in mind for my next relationship if I find myself in the same situation, the more and more I think about this one the less likely I think it is that she would consider getting back together. Its hard to deal. the loss/depression with but its also sort of liberating..

 

The confusion is what gets to me the most, prior to the break up, i mean RIGHT up to the previous day she showed such affection and when we were together there was such an obvious physical attraction, and them BAM.. im alone? Just surreal...

[shawn_68]

The confusion is what gets to me the most, prior to the break up, i mean RIGHT up to the previous day she showed such affection and when we were together there was such an obvious physical attraction, and them BAM.. im alone? Just surreal...

 

I think most of here have been there to some degree. It's confusion on your part because you had no idea. She was thinking the thoughts for some time. Only recently did she reach the point of breaking up.

 

Best course of action: leave her alone.

[Rooster_DAR]

I think most of here have been there to some degree. It's confusion on your part because you had no idea. She was thinking the thoughts for some time. Only recently did she reach the point of breaking up.

 

Best course of action: leave her alone.

 

Yup, I would have to agree here as well.

 

Cheers!

[D-Lish]

Well, speaking of not being able to let go of your first love...

I dated a man who had never dealt with the angst of his break up with his first love. He is 33- and they broke up 6 years ago- went out for 7 years.

He was soooo not over it and it will have a negative impact on every relationship he engages in until he finally deals with his feelings.

 

So- yes... let your heart heal, deal directly with the pain, then move forward when you're ready with an open mind and a healed heart.

 

It was frustrating being the "other woman", when the first woman walked out of his life 6 years ago. It was so obvious he wasn't over her...and I should have ran away as soon as I realized that. But I stayed thinking his feelings for me could overcome his past loss. Guess what? I was wrong- and I got my heart broken.

 

It's possible your relationship was just a rebound... it's hard to tell.

Regardless- you're getting good advice about NC and moving forward. And for the record- being friends with someone you love causes a lot of confusion and heartache... it rarely works out so soon after a break up.

 

So- if you want to remain friends- give that time too.

Good luck,

D-Lish

[neci]

I think wanting to be friends could be me just clutching at straws, better than nothing you know? Thinking it will lead to a second chance or whatever. Its kinda hard for me to have NC completely though just out of practicallity, the way we met for example through stuff we like to do in common (social and whatnot that I wont go into now) suffice to say we will be forced into talking, or at least being in proximity. Is just ignoring someone in this kind of situation the right course of action?

[D-Lish]

I guess you have to ask yourself if "clutching at straws" just to have "something, anything"... is good enough reason to remain in contact.

 

Will you get over it if you keep seeing this person on a social level?

Or will you just get hurt over and over again because everytime you see this person you go through the whole "butterflies, hope, disappointment" cycle.

 

That cycle can be a barrier to healing from a break up.

Good luck.

D

[neci]

I agree with you, that its not worth it...

But is it a good idea for me to reorder things i plan on doing for myself on the basis of this person?.. Im not sure, seems defeatist, beter to just go on with life.