copper Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 A few days ago my bf of 2.5 years and I broke up for the 30,000th and last time. Why? I felt bored and uninterested and he sensed that. He couldn't make me happy. Why couldn't he make me happy? Well, he's a super good guy who has always treated me well and respected me and he loves me soooo much. But I often feel unchallenged, like I am smarter and more interesting than him. Music and art is very important to me, but I never felt I could have a conversation with him about those things, even though he's interested in those things too....it's just like he didn't really have any opinions about anything, and wasn't especially passionate about anything, and I felt like he didn't really bring anything new into my life. I guess he's just a passive kind of guy, kind of a follower. I always felt like the man in the relationship, and I don't know if I like that feeling. I guess I feel like I am "cooler" than him, even though I don't have the highest self-esteem and have never seen myself and even remotely superficial. I feel terrible for having this thought. A couple episodes that stick out in my mind and kinda illustrate the kinda guy he is: 1. He recently went to Japan for 3 weeks. I bought him a pack of stationary and told him to please send me letters. Even if they had 3 words in them, or Japanese dirt, or grass from the park in them. Anything. I didn't get a single letter. I know he wrote me one, a normal one, but didn't send it because he felt it was too boring. He told me when we broke up that he'd never be the kinda guy to send me "found art" letters or do "artsy" stuff like that. I wasn't trying to be artsy really, I just thought it would be fun! 2. I was out drinking wih him and his friend one night, and my beer was slippery and dropped out of my hand and onto the floor and broke. My BF did NOTHING, but his friend took me to the bar and told the bartender what happened and got me another beer. Why can't my BF get me a new beer? Why did his friend have to do it? We broke up many, many, many times over the course of our relationship, mostly I let him do it, because it scared me too much to do it myself. I would get to a point where I wasn't feeling it, and he would sense it and sorta start to feel invisible around me. We'd break it of, but of course I'd feel awful and lonely and I'd miss him, and I'd start to feel that there must be something wrong with me for not appreciating him like he deserved. I always felt grateful to have him around, since everyone I'd ever dated previously were "bad" boys who didn't quite treat me right, and we did get along well and had similar values in life and were a good "team" and good companions, he's extremely patient with me (I'm a bit of a complicated person) and he's someone I knew my family would love. But everytime we got back together I'd get this instinctual sinking feeling but feel horrible for feeling this and I would push it away until I couldn't hide it anymore and we'd break up again. I've been feeling that feeling since the 2nd week we started dating. Never felt that much "excitement" around him, but I always feel like I'm expecting too much and should appreciate what I've got! He would take me back every time we broke up, though - maybe that's part of the problem -- he started to seem not only passive, but a bit of a doormat. Be a doormat and people will walk over you....I kinda feel like I was the girl walking over him all the time, and I feel so terrible for that, and for hurting him and making him feel a bit worthless. I feel like a bad person for not being the loving and excited girlfriend he deserves, and I feel like some sorta snot for feeling like he's not interesting enough! And for not breaking it off with him earlier instead of being selfish and making him stick around. I'm in my early 30's, at at this age it gets much harder to break up with people because you really don't know if you'll ever find anyone better, and that is scary. Does anyone here relate? Please give me your insights... please tell me I'm not shallow and selfish and too picky for wanting more challenge in my relationship? Or don't...tell me I'm a total bitch and that he was smart to have gotten out of this situation that was destructive for him....
Rooster_DAR Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 He couldn't make me happy. Why couldn't he make me happy? Why are you relying on him to make you happy?
theadventure50120 Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 You shouldn't rely on someone to make you happy , they are who they are. Unless in my case you sucked all the good things out of him like my ex did then it's bad , i started off funny , random etc and she got me down to a wreck who couldn't have a laugh and i just realized that now...if you did that then that's wrong. If not then he don't make you happy fullstop.
Author copper Posted October 19, 2006 Author Posted October 19, 2006 no no no ....I didn't mean to say that I expected him to make me happy....I just am trying to say I wasn't happy WITH him, felt like something was missing ... you know? I do know that the only person who can make me happy is me. I will say this though...I'm not necessarily the happiest person in the world (who is?), I'm prone to depression and moodiness and self-doubt and stuff, and he did say the other day that he had a desire to "save" me from my unhappiness but I told him it's not possible to save another person, they have to save themself.
theadventure50120 Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 You sound like my ex , what do you want out of him or life? Do you want him to make you happy? If so and he isn't , he isn't going to. Unless you tell him and see what changes.
Author copper Posted October 19, 2006 Author Posted October 19, 2006 I dunno, did you guys read the whole post? Does it really sound like I expected him to make me happy? I dunno, I just never really felt "in love" with him... I know that that feeling is fleeting and only the beginning of a real relationship, but I just never felt very excited by him, no passion.... sigh.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I dunno, did you guys read the whole post? Does it really sound like I expected him to make me happy? I dunno, I just never really felt "in love" with him... I know that that feeling is fleeting and only the beginning of a real relationship, but I just never felt very excited by him, no passion.... sigh. You sound pretty young, so this may be a natural process to go through. It's okay, I think I understand what you meant. The question then surfaces as to why you stayed with somebody so long if you had these feelings. This is a bad situation for not only you, but him as well. You said " I dunno, I just never really felt "in love" with him" yet you settled for 2 1/2 years with him. This indicates to me there are issues with decision making. It's okay if you very young, these things happen. You need to make a decision and include him in on it, and don't worry about feeling guilty it's natural. If you truly don't love him, let him have the chance to find somebody who really will. Be careful here, cause once you let someone go the odds of them returning are slim to none. I would take a few days to re-evaluate exactly what you think is best, and stick to a final decision. (Remember, there is a big difference between being in love and true love) You also said "Well, he's a super good guy who has always treated me well and respected me and he loves me soooo much". Be careful, once you enter the dating world again people like this are hard to find. Good luck to you, I think you will figure it out. Cheers!
SurvivingHB Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 You sounded just my ex. He said that he could not fall in love with me with the same kinda reason, but it took him 1 1/2 years to figure out. You need to come clean with him and break it off once and for all. He will be very hurt and possibly wants to try everything to make it work, but 2 years of trying is enough. You still could not fall in love with him. I would say just end it. Yes. You will be lonely and miss him alot like what I ex told me, but it is only because you got so used to having a friend that will be there for you all the time. It is not because you want to be with this person or love this person. Set him free and set yourself free.
Author copper Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 SurvivingBH....Thank you, you seem to understand my issue here. I guess I just kept hoping that I would eventually *really* fall in love with him. It's such a hard thing to do, to let someone go that you love! I hope you realized this when your ex broke up with you...
SurvivingHB Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I have to tell you that my world completely collapsed and I almost killed myself... I am seeing my psychiatrist every week to get myself back. I am not sure how your bf will handle it, but you just have to let him go. He will survive and be a stronger person. Do not go back to him because he misses you or he hurts alot. Do not go back to him because you are lonely. It will only drag him down and hurt him more. Please make sure that you do NC for at least 6 months to a year. That will be the only way that he can heal if you really care about him. Good luck to both of you.
Walk Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I can kind of relate... I kept thinking that since the guy was so "nice" that I should be happy to be with him, since I'd finally found a nice guy.. But oh yeah, Boring! And a push over. And really no boundaries... After much contemplation.. It's not that he was boring, it was the lack of him respecting himself. I stopped respecting him after a while and the love I did have for him faded away. A guy can be super nice, but if he doesn't respect himself, or feel he's worth while and great... then why should I feel he is? And why would I want to be with someoen i don't feel is my equal? I think you just went too far on the other side of the spectrum with this guy. You need to find the one in the middle of the line. Between ass and pushover. The one with some self-respect and backbone and who treats you with respect and dignity.
SurvivingHB Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I am starting to feel confused about this doormat thing. I don't think it is wrong to go extra miles for the one you love. I am probably too old-fashioned, but what is the true meaning for loving someone...
SmoochieFace Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I am starting to feel confused about this doormat thing. I don't think it is wrong to go extra miles for the one you love. I am probably too old-fashioned, but what is the true meaning for loving someone... I'm confused too. This is starting to sound like another one of those 'relationships are supposed to be challenging and treated as if they are a contest' thread. I feel bad for the BF here... sounds as if he is being made out to be 'bad' or 'wrong' for simply being who he is.
Walk Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I am starting to feel confused about this doormat thing. I don't think it is wrong to go extra miles for the one you love. I am probably too old-fashioned, but what is the true meaning for loving someone... I personally think that people test the boundaries of everything. That its human nature to attempt to see how much or how little you can get away with.. Most good people keep this in check. But there's still some in play at all times. Even something so simple as doing the dishes.. It starts off equal, one person slacks a little... if the other person doesn't communicate that it's not acceptable or its undesirable behavior, then the behavior will continue. MOST people are not driven enough to correct a bad behavior without influence from outside. (pink slips, tickets, bad teeth, friends avoid you..etc.) But if the person who has been picking up the slack never says anything, continues to go out of their way, then the boundary has been expanded. Partner slacks in another area.. boundary pushed back even further. etc. etc.. Mr. Doormat has no boundaries. He (or she) doesn't care what you do to him as long as you just stay with him. The needy co-dependent person who doesn't have enough respect for themselves to say "Hey, you're taking advantage of my generosity, please respect me." Case in point... guy I know pays all the bills at his apartment, gf won't work. First she was really happy. Then she didn't like the furniture, so he bought new stuff. Then she didn't like that he drank pop, so he stopped. Then when they'd go to the store if he wanted to buy a food he liked she'd demand he spend the $10 he had on her, instead of anything he wanted. etc. etc... (This guy doesn't make hardly any money.) Then she kicked him out of HIS apartment and told him she wanted a week alone to deal with the 1 yr anniversary of her grandfather's death.... No comprimise on it either. He is sleeping at the homeless shelter until she'll let him back in.. and he desperately wants her back. Doormat. Anyway.. yeah, The OP isn't right.. but still, it's tough to have much respect for a doormat.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I personally think that people test the boundaries of everything. That its human nature to attempt to see how much or how little you can get away with.. Most good people keep this in check. But there's still some in play at all times. Even something so simple as doing the dishes.. It starts off equal, one person slacks a little... if the other person doesn't communicate that it's not acceptable or its undesirable behavior, then the behavior will continue. MOST people are not driven enough to correct a bad behavior without influence from outside. (pink slips, tickets, bad teeth, friends avoid you..etc.) But if the person who has been picking up the slack never says anything, continues to go out of their way, then the boundary has been expanded. Partner slacks in another area.. boundary pushed back even further. etc. etc.. Mr. Doormat has no boundaries. He (or she) doesn't care what you do to him as long as you just stay with him. The needy co-dependent person who doesn't have enough respect for themselves to say "Hey, you're taking advantage of my generosity, please respect me." Case in point... guy I know pays all the bills at his apartment, gf won't work. First she was really happy. Then she didn't like the furniture, so he bought new stuff. Then she didn't like that he drank pop, so he stopped. Then when they'd go to the store if he wanted to buy a food he liked she'd demand he spend the $10 he had on her, instead of anything he wanted. etc. etc... (This guy doesn't make hardly any money.) Then she kicked him out of HIS apartment and told him she wanted a week alone to deal with the 1 yr anniversary of her grandfather's death.... No comprimise on it either. He is sleeping at the homeless shelter until she'll let him back in.. and he desperately wants her back. Doormat. Anyway.. yeah, The OP isn't right.. but still, it's tough to have much respect for a doormat. I believe this post holds plenty of validity, and is a great overall accurate depiction of what happens to doormats. I'm not sure if you came up with this observation yourself, but you are pretty much right on target. Bottom line, you allow someone to get away with everyting, you lose their respect. Excellent!
SmoochieFace Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I believe this post holds plenty of validity, and is a great overall accurate depiction of what happens to doormats. I'm not sure if you came up with this observation yourself, but you are pretty much right on target. Bottom line, you allow someone to get away with everything, you lose their respect. Excellent! Yeah, but the way I see it people who 'play games' like the girl in WALK'S post aren't worthy of respect either. Taking advantage of someone's 'niceness' or 'naievete' is wrong. I question whether people like that are capable of being in a real, healthy relationship... the manipulators seem to be just as bad as the doormats. Both are unhealthy IMO.
Author copper Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 Thank you for all the responses...there is some truth in all of them.... Right now I'm wondering about the doormat thing...I've always been kind of a doormat in my relationships, until this current guy, and now it's like I see things in him that I despise about myself, certain behaviours from him that I recognize in myself. I used to always be the one who wanted to "save" the other person, now he's the one that wants to "save" me. And to be honest, I can be a bit passive too, and I don't like that about myself. I wonder if the things I see in him as "problems" are really just my own... And honestly, I kind of feel like Groucho Marx a lot around him: "I wouldn't want to be in any club that would have me as a member". Maybe I'm just bored of myself, not of him. I do have self-esteem problems, I wonder if this is a factor. Well, yes, of course it's a factor. But can it just be that I really feel I can't connect with him on my level intellectually? How does one figure this stuff out?
Author copper Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 I am also very good at placing blame on myself unnecessarily...so I'm really very confused!
Yamaha Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 The problem is not who he is but who are you. You know who he is; he has not changed and he is not wanting you to be different. You do not know what you want and you are unhappy with him because you feel he isn't satisfying your needs. If I asked him if you satisfied his needs, "what do you think his answer would be?"
Author copper Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 The problem is not who he is but who are you. You know who he is; he has not changed and he is not wanting you to be different. You do not know what you want and you are unhappy with him because you feel he isn't satisfying your needs. If I asked him if you satisfied his needs, "what do you think his answer would be?" sadly, the answer would probably be a "no", and it breaks my heart. I'm thinking you are pretty spot-on. all he wants is to feel safe and loved.... and it's not possible when I am always on the fence, pushing away and pulling towards, unable to stay facing on one direction, always some naggin doubt somewhere deep inside, feeling like he's "not good enough" and then feeling bad about myself for thinking he's not good enough.... I'm not sure the right way to deal with this situation...let him go and concentrate on getting my life together? go get therapy and try to work it out? I want to be the person who is able to give him what he needs, but I just don't know how and I don't want to continue to hurt him with my indecision... neither of us really wants to break up, but I dunno if there is a choice here...
Author copper Posted October 21, 2006 Author Posted October 21, 2006 found this article that exactly mirrors my situation: http://www.drdaveanddee.com/selfesteem2.html I'm going to go find a therapist, now.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 found this article that exactly mirrors my situation: http://www.drdaveanddee.com/selfesteem2.html I'm going to go find a therapist, now. Excellent! You are on the right track. Good luck
Author copper Posted October 21, 2006 Author Posted October 21, 2006 my best friend keeps telling me its a matter of taste and intelligence and i should find someone as smart as me or whatever....not sure how i feel about that, and it confuses me. she thinks the problem is him, not me, but i think it's me, not him. but either way i still think therapy is something to try.
Mary3 Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 You were simply B O R E D with him. He offered nothing but unconditional love ...kinda like a Puppy... But most women find they don't want a puppy. They want a man. He will repeat this behavior of " Please step all over me no matter what because its better than you leaving me " behaviour until he learns how to STAND up for himself and tell YOU that he is tired of being treated less than 100% ... He needs some work. Some understanding . You knew he would cower and simper and you used that back and forth. Not casting any real blame here . You were not that into him , he bored you, you needed someone with a little more *spice* and backbone. He worked off your guilt. Its okay to admit that he was not * doing it for you * in the way you needed. You definately need to keep looking.... You need to leave him alone. Let him heal. Do not allow him to make you feel guilty. Find someone who shares some commonalities with you.
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