More from an OM

[BKRPM]

Thanks to all of the help from the ladies out there on my previous posts. The situation in brief: EA with MW for about 1 1/2 years. We have been friends and co-workers for 4+ years. MW and H in a turbulent relationship. Two elementary school age children. "Push-pull" activity from MW, which has been such a drain on me. MW said many times that she wanted to leave H because he is verbally abusive, but hasn't totally gone through with it. I truly am in love with MW.

 

Well, when I told MW that I would start dating in earnest, at least until she makes a decision. Then MW stated that she needed not to depend on me so much, because I might not be around someday. I told MW that she is so very special to me, and that I never would want her to feel any differently for me. Heck, when you're so close with someone for many years, it is a shock to think that they wouldn't be around for you. So I keep asking MW not to cut me off. Well, she sad that she won't. The problem is that, her actions are showing me that she is trying to distance herself. If she felt that way, that is fine, but then MW sends e-mails or says things like, "I truly love you so much, but I cannot let you see that feeling..." Uggghhh. Why can't MW keep it simple and think "one day at a time for both sides...if it was meant to be, will happen?" Instead I get the "so much in love", "I just need to be sad and walk away from him", discussion. Doesn't MW know that the drama she adds makes it worse? I try to stay on NC course, but then I get the 'cut off' coupled with the 'life's not fair' comments.

 

Any comments? The mixed comments also make it hard to keep a clear head while I date....

[stillhere]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, because i'm doing the same. And i know exactly how you feel. Man or woman, the feelings are the same.

 

Except for the part about, "i love you so much, i can't imagine you not being in my life" that part is coming from me. My MM is having a really hard time with the possible leaving as well.

 

My MM started to distance himself from me as well, but it only lasted a day, and we are back stronger than ever. I think it is partly us........our nagging about wanting them to be with us and only us. Although i try not to, sometimes i just can't help it, and i'm sure it's the same for you.

 

It is extremely hard to give up the person you've been so close with for so long. He is my best friend, no one knows as much about me as he does, yet some day, he might not be there. It's hard to fathom that thought.

 

The best advice i can think of, is to let her go if you can handle it. I know how hard it is, believe me, i do. If she isn't going to leave, or hasn't made the effort to do so, chances are that she isn't going to.

 

Otherwise, tell her that you 2 need to take it one day at a time and live in the present and not the future. Right now, that is the route i'm taking. It only works if both can accept that.

 

I wish you luck, and we are here to listen if you need to vent, and we will do our best to help you out. Good luck to you!

[Jessie61]

Doesn't MW know that the drama she adds makes it worse? I try to stay on NC course, but then I get the 'cut off' coupled with the 'life's not fair' comments.

 

BKRPM,

 

I have said this to you many times before, and I will say it again; you need to go NC and stay NC. Please note that NC = "cut off".

 

I recognise all the things you say. I used to get them too. The "push- pull" dramas and comments. The "trying it at home" to "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you" to sad comments about "how unfair life is" every time I have tried to walk away. I have responded too to those comments and rushed in to make everything better for my (now) exMM, but eventually I realised that it only perpetuates the problem; for as long as you are there to look after him/her, the MM/MW will never leave the spouse.

 

As for dating others, your MW will never let you get on with it; if you actually went ahead with it she would bombard you with little comments about how heart broken she is and how difficult it is for her, she might even become insanely jealous etc etc, anything to make you feel guilty about it, to distract you, whatever. I went through this too. Even when I thought I was successfully dating another guy (very briefly) I would be distracted/distraught by just receiving one sms about how sad my exMM was.... End of the new romance....

 

You need to go NC. And NC means NC even if it doesn't suit her. Yes, she'll miss you and you will fell terrible about "abandoning" her, but so what? She is never going to come to any decisions for as long as you are there to prop her up. She needs to realise what she is losing and you need some NORMALITY in life to clear your head and heart. That drama (which is going on for a l-o-n-g time) is NOT good for you. It will eventually make you ill. You need to be a bit "selfish" - if you even can call it that in the circumstances!!!! - and look after yourself; let your MW look after herself or get help from the H she cannot tear herself away from.

 

I did NC. After one last broken promise I cut my exMM off completely. For just over 3 months there was absolutely no contact whatsoever. I felt that the cloud hanging over me lifted and that the sun came out. NO more stress, no more tears, no more agonising "will he, won't he". I just woke up every morning feeling NORMAL, strong because I had walked away, and happy that I could once again look forward to the future.

 

My exMM did come back. He texted me about needing some inportant advice. I felt strong enough and determined enough to agree to meet with him - my main aim being NOT to fall back into it. He told me that he had left the W (only 4 days previously, mind you!) and he wanted me because he missed me and he had realised what he wanted in life. I absolutely know that he would never have done this without strict NC.

 

As it happens, I actually have moved on. I got on with things in his absense. I didn't sit around moping and pining for him. I assumed that he would NOT reappear. I met someone else (single!) and we are planning a great future together. There are no lies, agendas, unhappy memories, manipulation between us. I have never felt better. And I am not willing to sacrifice my new guy to find out if all the promises that exMM is making now are genuine. I have learnt to think smart now.

 

No, I am not saying that your MW would definitively come back to you a separated woman. There are no guarantees of that, but at the end of the day don't you want, need and deserve something better than what you are living through now???? I cannot imagine anything worse.

 

I know these are perhaps harsh words and "as subtle as a brick through a window". This NC concept is a very hard one to digest. I went through all the agonising before I realised that things would stay the same (effectively) forever unless something radically changed. I was heart broken but I HAD TO DO IT.

 

Please think about it....

[BKRPM]

Need some more help from the ladies....here's an update:

MW was vacillating bak and forth with the push and pull, so I started dating. Found a few that seemed nice. Since I work with MW, she overheard my excitement about getting a 3rd date with one from a co-worker. I didn't see her that day, so she wrote me a letter that I found on my desk the next morning, saying that I made her feel vulnerable, and how could I pledge my love to her one day, and date that same week. I explained to MW that I was just dating because MW told me 100 times to do so, so that she could make up her mind regarding the M.

 

I approached MW a few days later, and she said that she wrote it because she was literally heartbroken and sick that I was dating in earnest. I told MW that I was sick of waiting around for her to make her decision.

 

Well, four days later, MW tells H that she's through, and tired of trying to build a good M. She saw an attorney today, and attorney told her to wait 90 days and reconsider. She also says H is trying to be the 'perfect guy' now, but she doubts that he will ever change for the better.

 

I love her so much, but I am sick of the push and pull, both of which intensities have grown for both. Advice??

[puddleofmud]

If so continue--though you may wish to consider to date outside the "office".

If you enjoyed just "dating" in general as in spending some time doing various activities with the opposite sex, then don't stop dating!

Dating doesn't have to be about having sex or feeling all gaa gaa and gooey. Mutual fun, conversation, that kind of "old fashioned" stuff.

No harm in just "dating"....

[frannie]

Well, four days later, MW tells H that she's through, and tired of trying to build a good M. She saw an attorney today, and attorney told her to wait 90 days and reconsider. She also says H is trying to be the 'perfect guy' now, but she doubts that he will ever change for the better.

 

I love her so much, but I am sick of the push and pull, both of which intensities have grown for both. Advice??

 

My advice: Keep on dating.

 

The attorney told her to wait three months to reconsider..? Then while she's 'reconsidering' you go on living your life. You don't have to wait, just because she's seen an attorney. Tell her you'll be pleased to hear from her when she's made her decision. I can just hear it now... 'but I've seen an attorney! How can you still be dating people! You must not really love me!'. That's just manipulation. If she had any balls she'd sort this out now and not keep two men dangling like this. Another three months, eh..?

 

Go out and have yourself a good time while she's making her mind up.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Go to strict 'no contact' and tell her that you do not want to hear from her in any way, shape or form until her divorce is final. Then stick with it. If that won't knock her off the fence, nothing will.

[BeenThere22]

BKRPM, your story could well be mine. I too get the push-pull and am alternately told I should see other people but that she's scared I'll fall in love with someone else and leave her behind. Be careful with the divorce talk from her. I went through the same and it created a boomerang effect of sorts.

 

They separated only to come back together with even more force for a period of time. Obviously - as most objective observers would've known - things for them are exactly back to where they were. But they had a brief honeymoon period of trying to work it out and being on best behavior.

[oyster]

If she isn't going to leave, or hasn't made the effort to do so, chances are that she isn't going to.

 

Remember this quote. She loves you but not enough to leave.

[oyster]

She saw an attorney today, and attorney told her to wait 90 days and reconsider. She also says H is trying to be the 'perfect guy' now, but she doubts that he will ever change for the better.

 

I love her so much, but I am sick of the push and pull, both of which intensities have grown for both. Advice??

 

even if she signed the seperation paper, I think there is a wait time for divorce to be finalized.

 

Remember, she might change her mind during this wait time. On Divorce day she might faint and cancel it.

 

I would only trust her 6-12 months after Divorce is finalized.

[whichwayisup]

I agree, go and continue dating, live your life. If you stop and wait for her, you'll be waiting with alot of antisipation and stress.

 

LJ is right, go full no contact, and let her sort out her life. This won't be easy for her at all, not only will she be divorcing her husband, but changing her WHOLE life as she knows it. She'll be saying goodbye to her inlaws, SIL, BIL and extended family...Even her own family could be shocked...

Something I think some OM/OW don't understand how much other things come into play and can possibly change her mind at the last minute.

Everything that she knows and is comfortable with, not only her lifestyle, but her actual LIFE is about to change! Don't expect the divorce and poof! she's yours and ready to move on in everyway possible way so quickly.

 

Live your life, let her do what she needs to do.

[bonehead]

MW was vacillating bak and forth with the push and pull, so I started dating.

 

Good for you.

 

Found a few that seemed nice. Since I work with MW, she overheard my excitement about getting a 3rd date with one from a co-worker.

 

( Please note the evil grin on my face. )

 

 

I didn't see her that day, so she wrote me a letter that I found on my desk the next morning, saying that I made her feel vulnerable, and how could I pledge my love to her one day, and date that same week

 

Sorry, I myself more then likely would have turned this around on her.

 

How could she pledge her love for you yet stay married. ( Please no comments about what shes doing to her husband )

 

I explained to MW that I was just dating because MW told me 100 times to do so, so that she could make up her mind regarding the M.

 

You really dont get women do ya?? ( another grin )

 

But you KNEW all along she didnt MEAN it.

 

approached MW a few days later, and she said that she wrote it because she was literally heartbroken and sick that I was dating in earnest. I told MW that I was sick of waiting around for her to make her decision.

 

But you were supposed to put your life on hold for an undetermined amount of time while she makes her decision. ( Waiting for THAT decision from a woman? Come on, how long does it take her to pick out SHOES?? )

 

Well, four days later, MW tells H that she's through, and tired of trying to build a good M. She saw an attorney today, and attorney told her to wait 90 days and reconsider. She also says H is trying to be the 'perfect guy' now, but she doubts that he will ever change for the better.

 

She could have told the atorney that she didnt see any reason to wait. Its not up to the attorney. Sounds like a ploy to get you to wait keep waiting.

 

If she had come forward with this BEFORE she heard you were dating I would have given it a little more credit, but her timeing is suspect.

 

KEEP DATING!!!!!

[BKRPM]

Wow, thanks for the feedback. It makes me feel better. Bonehead -- very insightful comments.

 

Of course, it is my own damn fault for getting into this in the first place, but geez, the hope of what could be just sucks you in. I guess the only big question still is why MW gets physically sick when I date (she took that afternoon off when M wrote me the letter because she made herself sick thinking about my date that evening), and then apparently that feeling is not strong enough to give her that extra push to end her M. She told me yesterday that her M has been miserable for at least 6 years.

[bonehead]

Of course, it is my own damn fault for getting into this in the first place, but geez, the hope of what could be just sucks you in

 

The hope of what could be is a strong draw. you know how she makes you feel, and you know how you feel when she isnt around.

 

I guess the only big question still is why MW gets physically sick when I date

 

Because she knows how you make HER feel and now she sees that slipping away. She doesnt want to give that up.

 

and then apparently that feeling is not strong enough to give her that extra push to end her M. She told me yesterday that her M has been miserable for at least 6 years.

 

If its been bad for 6 years why is she still there?

 

That is a serious question. I know I stayed in my marriage longer then I should have, and I know why.

[frannie]

She could have told the atorney that she didnt see any reason to wait. Its not up to the attorney. Sounds like a ploy to get you to wait keep waiting.

 

If she had come forward with this BEFORE she heard you were dating I would have given it a little more credit, but her timeing is suspect.

 

KEEP DATING!!!!!

 

This is just so right. BKRPM I've read your previous threads and this is what she's been doing all along, the whole relationship.

[GreenEyedLady]

She could have told the atorney that she didnt see any reason to wait. Its not up to the attorney. Sounds like a ploy to get you to wait keep waiting.

 

I agree...attorney's don't care about you, your S/O, your children or your family, they care about THEIR paycheck...THEY do what you want them to do...

[BKRPM]

I guess the thing that kills me is that I get myself stuck in the middle. It would be easier if I knew that MW was going through with the D with some determination; or, if MW said, "It will take a bit for me to figure out what I need to do...Because I DO love you so, I DO want you to date." But when I do date, she gets so despondent, and wants to cut me off. Why is she being selfish? If this works, I think it would be that I date and get my mind off of her for a bit, she works on her mess, and if she goes for the D, unless I would meet the woman of my dreams in the next year of course I would ask her to be with me....Advice?

[GreenEyedLady]

Well you asked for it, so here it is: Keep Dating...

 

If she's so upset about you dating, maybe that will be the kick in the butt that she needs in order to go through with the D...

[bonehead]

It would be easier if I knew that MW was going through with the D with some determination; or, if MW said, "It will take a bit for me to figure out what I need to do

 

This you will not know until she does. Until you see it on paper it isnt happening.

 

As far as the line about taking a bit. Have you thought about setting a time line for her? I know it sounds pushy but it puts an end it sight no matter what way things go.

 

 

Because I DO love you so, I DO want you to date." But when I do date, she gets so despondent, and wants to cut me off. Why is she being selfish? If this works, I think it would be that I date and get my mind off of her for a bit, she works on her mess, and if she goes for the D, unless I would meet the woman of my dreams in the next year of course I would ask her to be with me.

 

Why is she being selfish? Because no matter how much she says she wants you to date, she DOESNT want you to date. She wants to know your all hers and will be there the instant she says " Im ready "

[BKRPM]

I spoke to MW at work today. She said that she was angry today. Not at me, but at herself. When I asked MW why, she said that she should have had a detailed plan in place when she told H last week that she was leaving him. Because she didn't have a plan in place, MW said that H immediately (after 12 years of acting like a jackass) is acting like the perfect H. MW actually described the situation is one that she DIDN'T want it to work out, but was saddled with guilt. Guilt controls her. The situation is geting way too stressful for me right now. If I didn't work with her, it would be so easy to say, "You're thinking of trying for the 138th time with H?....Then just forget everything with me...No hard feelings...Good bye." But unfortunately we work together as line of business partners, so it makes it more difficult. One of my good friends told me that she thinks that it would be very rude of me to date right away. Why? Because my head's not in the game, and she says that it is unfair to my potential dates. Opinions on this one?

[bonehead]

I spoke to MW at work today. She said that she was angry today. Not at me, but at herself. When I asked MW why, she said that she should have had a detailed plan in place when she told H last week that she was leaving him. Because she didn't have a plan in place, MW said that H immediately (after 12 years of acting like a jackass) is acting like the perfect H. MW actually described the situation is one that she DIDN'T want it to work out, but was saddled with guilt. Guilt controls her. The situation is geting way too stressful for me right now. If I didn't work with her, it would be so easy to say, "You're thinking of trying for the 138th time with H?....Then just forget everything with me...No hard feelings...Good bye." But unfortunately we work together as line of business partners, so it makes it more difficult. One of my good friends told me that she thinks that it would be very rude of me to date right away. Why? Because my head's not in the game, and she says that it is unfair to my potential dates. Opinions on this one?

 

It would be rude because your not waiting for her. HOW DARE YOU HAVE A LIFE

[GreenEyedLady]

MW seems to really want to stay married and keep you...

 

You shouldn't date because it's not fair to potential dates? Dating helps you decide what type of R you want and what type of person you want...not every chick who dates is thinking M right up front...now I wouldn't lie and say that I wanted something serious if that's not what you want, but why not date? Dating is not about fairness, it's about getting to know someone...I say go date if there's someone you're interested in...nothing to lose and everything to gain...

[bonehead]

A female " cake eater??????? "

 

I hate that phrase by the way.

 

emotional leech is closer to correct

[frannie]

I spoke to MW at work today. She said that she was angry today. Not at me, but at herself. When I asked MW why, she said that she should have had a detailed plan in place when she told H last week that she was leaving him. Because she didn't have a plan in place, MW said that H immediately (after 12 years of acting like a jackass) is acting like the perfect H. MW actually described the situation is one that she DIDN'T want it to work out, but was saddled with guilt. Guilt controls her. The situation is geting way too stressful for me right now. If I didn't work with her, it would be so easy to say, "You're thinking of trying for the 138th time with H?....Then just forget everything with me...No hard feelings...Good bye." But unfortunately we work together as line of business partners, so it makes it more difficult. One of my good friends told me that she thinks that it would be very rude of me to date right away. Why? Because my head's not in the game, and she says that it is unfair to my potential dates. Opinions on this one?

 

But you've already been dating, and had fun. Dating is dating... there's nothing that says you have to be exclusive OR 'serious' about anything.

 

Your MW has always, since you've been posting, and in all the things she's done and said, shown two things. One... she has no intention of getting a divorce, and just gives one reason after another for that. Guilt? Guilt about what..? After years of treating her 'badly' he has been 'the perfect husband' for 48 hours? OK. Secondly... every time you pull away she concocts some reason for you to come back to her on that little piece of string she has... she's having a 'bad time', she's seen an attorney, blah blah...

 

It's a pattern that will repeat and repeat and repeat. Until you end the madness. Your call, but you won't get anything but this over and over and over.

[oyster]

But you've already been dating, and had fun. Dating is dating... there's nothing that says you have to be exclusive OR 'serious' about anything.

 

Your MW has always, since you've been posting, and in all the things she's done and said, shown two things. One... she has no intention of getting a divorce, and just gives one reason after another for that. Guilt? Guilt about what..? After years of treating her 'badly' he has been 'the perfect husband' for 48 hours? OK. Secondly... every time you pull away she concocts some reason for you to come back to her on that little piece of string she has... she's having a 'bad time', she's seen an attorney, blah blah...

 

It's a pattern that will repeat and repeat and repeat. Until you end the madness. Your call, but you won't get anything but this over and over and over.

 

thanks Frannie, this applies so well to me too. Keeps my mind clear