amaysngrace Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 My exhusband stopped seeing the kids. It's been almost a month now. He was doing pretty good about getting them, had even been taking them overnight on Saturdays. Last Saturday he called to say he wasn't coming at all. Nothing like waiting until the last minute. But anyway, today he calls and says his wife is throwing up. I said it's only Thursday, she probably only has a virus which only lasts 24 hours, 48 tops. Well, come to find out he's aware that I have a boyfriend which is why he's been messing with me. I knew he was going to be like this. He still considers me his property, despite the fact that I left, he's remarried, and it's been a year and a half since we lived under the same roof. I just knew it... Will he ever get past this thinking? Or in his head is it truly "till death do we part?" (not really a question to answer...just me thinking aloud)
Mz. Pixie Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 I dunno. I've been remarried over a year and my ex for seven months but he still tries to boss me around a bit. Not as bad as before but still. I think old habits are hard to break, depending on how long you were married. But hopefully yeah- he will get better. Tell him he is a complete ass for not visiting his children because of your dating. :sick:
KieraM Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 If he's mad that you have a boyfriend, ask him what that has to do with the kids? Why is he letting them down?
Author amaysngrace Posted October 19, 2006 Author Posted October 19, 2006 Thanks for your responses. I agree that he's an a** for not getting the kids. He's always been selfish. Had he been a good dad, I might have endured a bad marriage for their sakes, who knows? This was never the case. He's messing with me because he thinks he interfering with my personal life, which he in fact is. I have these children 24/7, with no breaks except for when they are in school. I parent them 100%, I help them with their homework 100%, I cook them dinner 100%, get their clothes together 100%, take them to their extracurricular activities 100%, church activities 100%, school events 100%, birthday parties 100%, etc...so what do you mean exactly by he can only do to me what I allow him to do? Are you a single mom? Geez, I got so absorbed in that response from Felize I forgot what the third response was. I'll get back to you, response #3. This has not been an easy day. He makes me so mad. How can he just forget to be a dad? These kids deserve so much better. And the worst part is it is just to spite me. He is the biggest scumbag I've ever met. I honestly hope the day will come when I can offer him the option to not pay child support if he leaves our lives forever. I'm certain he will jump at the chance. Money means more to him than the children. I have no doubt about this. Unfortunately, financially I'm unable to make this offer to him right now.
FELIZE Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 [amaysngrace quote:] "Well, come to find out he's aware that I have a boyfriend which is why he's been messing with me." "He can only mess with you as much as you let him mess with you."
ilmw Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 My exhusband stopped seeing the kids. It's been almost a month now. He was doing pretty good about getting them, had even been taking them overnight on Saturdays. Last Saturday he called to say he wasn't coming at all. Nothing like waiting until the last minute. But anyway, today he calls and says his wife is throwing up. I said it's only Thursday, she probably only has a virus which only lasts 24 hours, 48 tops. Well, come to find out he's aware that I have a boyfriend which is why he's been messing with me. I knew he was going to be like this. He still considers me his property, despite the fact that I left, he's remarried, and it's been a year and a half since we lived under the same roof. I just knew it... Will he ever get past this thinking? Or in his head is it truly "till death do we part?" (not really a question to answer...just me thinking aloud) Well....no real man would punish his own children for something his wife/exwife has done. On that not... how can he be mad at you for seeing someone... he is friggen remarried already... sounds like you are lucky to be rid of the S*^t head... Sorry but stuff like this realy pisses me off... men who ignore their kids...!
Gunny376 Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 Well....no real man would punish his own children for something his wife/exwife has done. On that not... how can he be mad at you for seeing someone... he is friggen remarried already... sounds like you are lucky to be rid of the S*^t head... Sorry but stuff like this realy pisses me off... men who ignore their kids...! Yea! What he said! Seriously! He wants his cake and eat it to! He wants his pie, and for you to be misserable and alone! He's an azz!
Gunny376 Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 Its like I felt 16 years ago,............................. I love you enough, to where if you can't be happy with me, I rather see you with someone else that you're happy with than be with me. That's been a hard one to choke down on!
Author amaysngrace Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 Well....no real man would punish his own children for something his wife/exwife has done. Therein lies the problem...he's no real man. He's Napolean in cognito! Sorry, I just couldn't resist. He's always been selfish. He's always put his own feelings first. And if he's mad at me or the kids, he spares no one his anger. And trust me, he's got some serious anger issues. Which is the main reason above all for why we left. Can anybody say abusive? He fits the description to a tee. And that's why this whole situation is really getting to me. I feel in some way he has control again. Even though I made it clear on the phone to him that I have friends and family who will take the children whenever I need them to. But still, maybe it's just that he's on my mind that I'm uncomfortable with...
dgiirl Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I remember reading in one of those self-help books that a divorce will NEVER fix any problems. If you have communication problems inside a marriage, you're going to have communication problems when divorced. If you have parenting problems inside a marriage, you're going to have parenting problems when divorce. And although a divorce gives you more space away from the problem, it also never gives you a chance to figure out how to resolve the issue. With a divorce, you never grow, it always stays the same. A, you have to stop getting angry with him for who he is. He was abusive in your marriage, he's going to continue being abusive in your divorce. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Remember, noone can make you feel a certain way unless you allow them too. You allow him to make you angry, and he's going to continue to make you angry until you stop allowing him. You control your thoughts. It's time to start imagining a huge stop sign whenever your thoughts start towards him. Stop yourself right in your tracks, tell yourself the situation is over, it's no longer happening right now, there's no reason to continuing obsessing over what transpired, and focus on what you're doing today right now.
Author amaysngrace Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 You control your thoughts. It's time to start imagining a huge stop sign whenever your thoughts start towards him. Stop yourself right in your tracks, tell yourself the situation is over, it's no longer happening right now, there's no reason to continuing obsessing over what transpired, and focus on what you're doing today right now. I know DGiirl. What you say makes perfect sense. Unfortunately, I'm just way too emotional to apply it to my thinking today. I think the thing that gets me most is he was being cool for a while. He was actually backing my decision-making in parenting the children, he was stepping up as a dad, he was being respectful to me as a fellow human and I guess part of me, the same part from before, had hoped he had genuinely changed. And after yesterday, the way he belittled me and verbally assaulted me, makes me feel as though I've been abused by him again. I know I'll get past this. I always do. But it doesn't lessen the blows or make reliving the past any less real. I can't really explain it. I guess unless you've experienced it firsthand, you'd have no idea what I'm talking about. But, hey, be glad for that.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I can't really explain it. I guess unless you've experienced it firsthand, you'd have no idea what I'm talking about. But, hey, be glad for that. Yeah! The thing is you have no choice but to let it affect you because someone has to sack up and accept responsibility and that is you in this situation. It's hard I know! Have you told him just how his treatment of the kids is affecting them?? Can you perhaps get a friend or family member to speak with him about his actions??
littlekitty Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 [amaysngrace quote:] "Well, come to find out he's aware that I have a boyfriend which is why he's been messing with me." "He can only mess with you as much as you let him mess with you." No offence, but WTF?!!! Rather than just repeat yourself, why don't you explain exactly how you expect amaysngrace to deal with this differently? How exactly can she stop him from deciding not to turn up to see his children?
Author amaysngrace Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 Have you told him just how his treatment of the kids is affecting them?? Can you perhaps get a friend or family member to speak with him about his actions?? I told him. I put up a good front when I have to. It's a learned trait. I told him he doesn't affect me and my relationship. The only relationships that will suffer are the ones he shares with the children. I left it on his voicemail, once I got it together a little later on. Whether or not it sunk in, I don't know. The main problem is he isn't a very good dad. I really think if I offered him a back door out of their lives, he'd take it. He's already said it. He told me he'd move to Canada to avoid paying CS at the risk of never knowing them. Even if he'd never do it, what kind of man would say such a thing? I waived alimony for sole custody, and he never fought me even once. Never even went for joint. I don't think the children matter to him very much. I don't think he has the capacity to allow anybody to matter to him very much. I believe it's how he's programmed.
dgiirl Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 No offence, but WTF?!!! Rather than just repeat yourself, why don't you explain exactly how you expect amaysngrace to deal with this differently? How exactly can she stop him from deciding not to turn up to see his children? You cannot. His relationship with his children is his own responsibility to manage. My best friend gave me excellent advice. Expect nothing from your ex and you'll never be disappointed. I understand the kids get hurt over his treatment, but getting angry over it will not take away their pain, and in fact, your anger towards him takes away energy you can be giving to them. Children can pick up on resentment very easily, and you being angry at him is no more beneficial to your kids than his lack of maturity and fatherhood. Once you stop trying to control him and the situation, you will be more at peace and be able to make up to your kids the pain he causes.
littlekitty Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 You cannot. Exactly. Which is why Felize's comment annoyed me. It's not helpful or explanatory: "He can only mess with you as much as you let him mess with you." She can only control her own actions. Not his. This below is good advice, although it can be hard to put into action at times. You can often feel out of control, and at the mercy of someone else, which is uncomfortable to say the least! His relationship with his children is his own responsibility to manage. My best friend gave me excellent advice. Expect nothing from your ex and you'll never be disappointed. I understand the kids get hurt over his treatment, but getting angry over it will not take away their pain, and in fact, your anger towards him takes away energy you can be giving to them. Children can pick up on resentment very easily, and you being angry at him is no more beneficial to your kids than his lack of maturity and fatherhood. Once you stop trying to control him and the situation, you will be more at peace and be able to make up to your kids the pain he causes.
dgiirl Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 Exactly. Which is why Felize's comment annoyed me. It's not helpful or explanatory: My intrepretation of her comment was he can only make her mad as much as she allows him too. She can only control her own actions. Not his. This below is good advice, although it can be hard to put into action at times. You can often feel out of control, and at the mercy of someone else, which is uncomfortable to say the least! lol heck I know it's easy to spew this stuff... it's really hard to follow tho But when I'm in the heat of the moment, I find comfort and gain back control while listening to the logic of others.
littlekitty Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 My intrepretation of her comment was he can only make her mad as much as she allows him too. Ahh I see...! I took it differently! But that's life! lol heck I know it's easy to spew this stuff... it's really hard to follow tho But when I'm in the heat of the moment, I find comfort and gain back control while listening to the logic of others. Ehhh we can all be logical from the outside. I'm the same myself! But it is great when you can learn to temper the anger and gain back control.
Author amaysngrace Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 But it is great when you can learn to temper the anger and gain back control. This is what I truly need to work on...detachment. I think I'm better at it than some, but still have quite a ways to go. It's so odd though. Yesterday the first time he chewed into me and then hung up on me, for some reason I found myself cracking up. I thought the whole situation was funny. Extremely so. Geez, wish I could've just stuck with that reaction all along. That's better than pained by far. But very good news...I didn't reach for a cigarette!!
littlekitty Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 This is what I truly need to work on...detachment. I think I'm better at it than some, but still have quite a ways to go. It's so odd though. Yesterday the first time he chewed into me and then hung up on me, for some reason I found myself cracking up. I thought the whole situation was funny. Extremely so. Geez, wish I could've just stuck with that reaction all along. That's better than pained by far. But very good news...I didn't reach for a cigarette!! Yay for you with the ciggies!! Yeah I had to learn to laugh when my SO's ex gf (mother of his child) was busting our arses all the time. It takes time to manage it though, and even now I still want to blow up at times!!
Author amaysngrace Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 Yeah I had to learn to laugh when my SO's ex gf (mother of his child) was busting our arses all the time. It takes time to manage it though, and even now I still want to blow up at times!! The best thing is to remain calm, as I'm sure you've found out. It just makes you wonder "why we all just can't get along", huh?? Thanks for the support. Honestly, I feel great with it. I know I'll never smoke another one because I never want to go through that first day again. That first day's real bad.
FELIZE Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 My intrepretation of her comment was he can only make her mad as much as she allows him too. lol heck I know it's easy to spew this stuff... it's really hard to follow tho But when I'm in the heat of the moment, I find comfort and gain back control while listening to the logic of others. As simple as it was, that is exactly the point I was trying to get across! Thanks dgiirl! [littlekitty quote] No offence, but WTF?!!! Rather than just repeat yourself, why don't you explain exactly how you expect amaysngrace to deal with this differently? How exactly can she stop him from deciding not to turn up to see his children? If you looked at all, at my previous post to this thread, you could plainly see that I did indeed, explain myself after my first comment,apparently you didn't look. Futhermore: littlekitty, if you didnt have such a one track mind, with a foul mouth and saw both sides of her issue, you could see that my comment WAS MADE, IN AN EFFORT TO HELP amaysngrace.
littlekitty Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 The best thing is to remain calm, as I'm sure you've found out. It just makes you wonder "why we all just can't get along", huh?? Thanks for the support. Honestly, I feel great with it. I know I'll never smoke another one because I never want to go through that first day again. That first day's real bad. God doesn't it?! I spent many a moment pleading to the sky... 'why can't we all just work together...' Unfortunately I suppose dgiirl is right. The problems in communication with those people don't disappear just because you aren't together anymore. She's still the same person she was before my SO left her, which is why he left her! I don't know why we thought she'd become reasonable. Stupid us!! Hey you're welcome! You should be so proud, I can only imagine how horrific that first day is going to be. Oh god help me it's going to be real hard work for me. I've been smoking over 15 years now. How long was it for you? I know I've got to do it. I want a baby, and I want to be around to see that child grow....!
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