bag81 Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 I don't even know where to begin.... Guess I'll start off with what I'm looking for, just some advice. Different points of view (no hating though). Married, little more than 3 years, together almost 8. I'm really just don't know what to do. I am 25, he's 28. He was my first everything, kiss, boyfriend, etc. I was all of his firsts also. I have cheated in the past, he knows about the one affair. We split for awhile afterwards but I pursued him back. I have stepped out on him a handful of times over the years, on drunken girls night out. He did once (I don't believe he's did it more than once). When he stepped out it was with one of my girlfriends, she was drunk, he was buzzed. Later she didn't come right out and say it but said he forced her. He denied that, profusley (sp?), said it was consentual... we nearly broke. Took me years to finally forgive him. It helped not going around that gf of mine any longer. Until this last weekend. She happened to show up at mutual gathering at friend's place. Seeing her & hanging out for just that little bit brought back TONS of old memories and feelings. So now I'm stuck wondering what to do... is our marriage even worth trying to fix or have we both done to much damage to each other and ourselves? We have a home together, no kids. He's the bread winner. I do have a job but it's nothing that I could live on by myself. I don't know what else to write. Thanks.
amaysngrace Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 I think you lack respect, both for yourself and for him. I don't know if it's fixable. It depends on how badly you want your marriage to work, I suppose. And how badly he wants it as well. But it's pretty apparent that the respect that is a common in most solid relationships is lacking in yours.
ThumbingMyWay Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 I don't even know where to begin.... Guess I'll start off with what I'm looking for, just some advice. Different points of view (no hating though). Married, little more than 3 years, together almost 8. I'm really just don't know what to do. I am 25, he's 28. He was my first everything, kiss, boyfriend, etc. I was all of his firsts also. I have cheated in the past, he knows about the one affair. We split for awhile afterwards but I pursued him back. I have stepped out on him a handful of times over the years, on drunken girls night out. He did once (I don't believe he's did it more than once). When he stepped out it was with one of my girlfriends, she was drunk, he was buzzed. Later she didn't come right out and say it but said he forced her. He denied that, profusley (sp?), said it was consentual... we nearly broke. Took me years to finally forgive him. It helped not going around that gf of mine any longer. Until this last weekend. She happened to show up at mutual gathering at friend's place. Seeing her & hanging out for just that little bit brought back TONS of old memories and feelings. So now I'm stuck wondering what to do... is our marriage even worth trying to fix or have we both done to much damage to each other and ourselves? We have a home together, no kids. He's the bread winner. I do have a job but it's nothing that I could live on by myself. I don't know what else to write. Thanks. from an outsider looking in... you state you have been together for 8 years, married for 3. In those 8 years, YOU had an affiar and "stepped" out wiht other men during drunken girls night out...a hand ful of times. You H has cheated once to your knowledge. He left you after your affiar, but then you got back together. Does he know about the other men you had flings with?...kissing, ONS, whatever it was...still technically cheating. So he cheats once and it takes you YEARS to forgive. You cheat numerous times though.... I dunno...you guys were both your first in alot of things....now you are married....but have both cheated on each other. IMO....I think you both need to sit down and define what "COMMITMENT" means to each of you and decide wether or not you can be married under that definition. Dont know what else to tell ya.....but for 8 years, yours and his faithfulness needs some work.
Author bag81 Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 from an outsider looking in... So he cheats once and it takes you YEARS to forgive. You cheat numerous times though.... The only reason it took me so long is because she claimed he raped her.
brokenhearted29 Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 I think that it will be hard to fix your marriage but if you want it bad enough you can do it. Thank goodness there are no kids involved. Both of you need to learn how to be committed to each other and learn to trust each other again. Talk to him about it and see how he feels. The main key is communication. If you dont have that then your marriage wont last long. If you are both serious about being committed to each other then it could work. Good Luck.
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 Why didn't she call the police? If he raped her, don't you think she would be absolutely terrified to be around him? In a situation like that, it must be hard to believe either of them. She's your friend, yet he's your boyfriend... DO you love this man? If so then work it out, go to marriage counselling. Learn how to communicate and listen to eachother. The thing is, I don't think either of you trust eachother anymore, so if you DO end up staying together, make sure life is really good before even thinking of having children.
ThumbingMyWay Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 The only reason it took me so long is because she claimed he raped her. personally I think she told you this to save face. Makes her look like the victim....and not the bad guy for sleeping with your man....but thats JMO
Author bag81 Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 Why didn't she call the police? If he raped her, don't you think she would be absolutely terrified to be around him? In a situation like that, it must be hard to believe either of them. She's your friend, yet he's your boyfriend... DO you love this man? If so then work it out, go to marriage counselling. Learn how to communicate and listen to eachother. The thing is, I don't think either of you trust eachother anymore, so if you DO end up staying together, make sure life is really good before even thinking of having children. I did sit down with H and we had a very good talk. We both agreed that we do love each other and we want to work on our trust issues. Don't worry children will not become anytime in the near future! Thanks to everyone who's written here. I will post again at some point I'm sure.
FlyingHigh Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 You two need to grow up. I really mean sincerely. Both of your actions don't speak "love" for one another. If you two profess to love one another, you would know how to show love for each other. What is it that you two love about each other? Is it just having someone to come home to? Hang out with? Tramping out with drunken friends is not love. It's downright disrespectful to yourselves, to each other and your marriage. Like Thumbingaway said, you two need to redefine marriage which includes work and committment. Marriage isn't a Cinderella story.
sb129 Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 Well said flying high. I agree. I kissed another guy very early in my most recent relationship. I am NOT condoning it, but I think my lack of self respect was main reason. I also had security issues, due to both internal and external factors. I have since learnt that self respect commands the MOST respect from others. In my college days i would sleep with anyone who looked at me sideways because i was SO insecure and needy. Unfortunately this is a very vicious cycle- guys trampled all over me, my insecurity got worse, kept doing it etc. Now I am out the other side, and would never take anyone elses feelings (including mine!) for granted again. If I was in a relationship and felt that I wanted to be with someone else, I would examine it very very carefully, and if the current relationship was unhappy, I would have the dignity to end it BEFORE going with someone else. If the someone else is worht it, they will wait. If you want your H to not cheat on you, you MUST stop doing it as well. Otherwise you will end up in this tit for tat behaviour pattern which will damage you both. Alcohol is BAD news in this situation. You guys need to build up trust, and it might be a good idea to BOTH sacrifice boozy nights out to begin with to help regain that. Sorry if this sounds preachy, but i really do know where you are at. Its tough,but you can fix it- it will be hard work, but worht it.
Recommended Posts