What am I thinking..........

[Guest]

Hi everyone.......

 

First I want to say thanks to the admins here for allowing a forum for OM/OW. I havent seen many do that.

 

Where do I start....... what was or am I thinking...... I started a job over a yr ago. Met many new friends..... one in particular. Problem is, hes married. I am separated and have been for almost 4 months. My marriage has been in trouble for about 3 yrs...... with all possibilities of resoultion exhausted.

 

We became really good friends because of work, our education, career, our past etc. We started off flirting and kidding around.... neither of us thought anything about it. We called each other on the phone, almost daily. When we were at work together, we'd take our breaks and lunches together. This went on for about 4 or 5 months. One day we were both off and decided to meet for lunch. We wound up back at his house studying for a national certification test. Everything was going great, I got up to throw something away, and he came up behind me and kissed me. One thing started and has been going on for 6 months. We are still the best of friends etc. We talk everyday on the phone and see ea other as much as possible, even without anything intimate... just to see each other.

 

Over the past 6 months we both have tried to end the intimacy part of us, it goes well for awhile, then it happens again. We have been on this roller coaster many times. From the beginning, I told him that I would never ask him to leave his marriage, nor would I want to be the reason he ever did. I know that he isnt going to leave and thats fine. I want him to be happy, with whoever. I have always been the type to guard my feelings from everyone. We spent the day together yesterday and it was great. Had lunch, did some research together, helped each other on career issues...... then it happened again. We decided once again that it couldnt happen anymore. We had a very long talk about everything... and I ended up admitting that I was beginning to have feelings for him, that I wasnt in love with him, but that I had feelings. He told me that he hasnt allowed himself to have feelings yet. But that it was becoming harder and harder not to. He said that he was sitting in his living room two days ago thinking about me, and his wife came into the room..... he knew then that it was a problem.

 

We both do not want our friendship to end. We are so alike in so many ways that its scary, but different at the same time. Have so much in common, laugh at the same things, and are always happy when we are around each other. The best of friends..... but now this..........

 

What am I thinking, what is he thinking..... what do we do now....... where do we go....... any thoughts comments suggestions would be greatly appreciated..........

[norajane]

You both need to back off from each other. You need to be on your own for a while and deal with the end of your marriage. He needs to decide what to do about his own marriage. Once you get your situation resolved and have had a chance to take a breath from you marriage, you may decide you don't want to be inolved with a man who could never be fully yours. Or he may decide to divorce and you two can start an honest relationship together and see what kind of feelings develop.

 

Neither of you are doing each other any favors, but are making your respective situations worse by being together. Right now, you're both sneaking around and he's lying to his wife. That's not a foundation for a good relationship between you, if that's what you want.

[outofdarkness]

you could actually BE the woman with whom I caught my H in a lie regarding having dinner. He had told me that he was just getting ready to have dinner with some male collegues and I smelled a rat. When he arrived home, angry about something else, he had forgotten to delete his calls, and I found the classic incoming and one minute later outgoing call right at the time that he had called to tell me that he was leaving for dinner with his "male" coworkers. He left again the next mornig to go on another "business" trip, but this one was to the same city that I quickly found out this Female co worker was based in...Too coincidental for me...He admitted he had lied; due to my reaction to his admission two years ago of multiple A's...I waited for about one month, talked to my I C, calmed down, and then I called her and left a voice mail...I had saved her number and written it down..I told her that I was aware of their dinner, thought that it was over the line and inappropriate and would appreciate it if they had any "business" that could not be done within normal business hours, they please have dinner brought in or take along another coworker. I also told her in the voice mail that I had spoken to my H about it...She immediately called him when she received the message..I don't know what was really said, but my H told me how embarrasing it was and how she had said that she had seen other employees do this...This "coworker" is a 20 something very attractive woman who is in the same line of work as my H...I could easily see that they may have attended a certification class together...My H attended a couple of these, one week long one...He also I know worked closely with her on some things...So...Your story sounds like that one particular situation that I came across. Please think long and hard before you get in even deeper. You sound very intelligent, kind and thoughtful...Please think about this man being married...Remember that he is most likely being dishonest with his W AND you...There are exceptions to this rule, but generally, both W are lied to...As someone told me in a post, if I were drowning in a lake and the OW was with me, my H would most likely go straight to me...That was very telling to me...It was written by an OW...Hope you find happiness...Blessings..

[AmazedNConfused]

I just wanted to say thanks for the replies....... I was the guest that originally wrote this waiting for my account to be verified.

 

Update.......... we havent seen each other since last Tues, still talk everyday though........ sometimes more than once a day. Nothing regarding feelings or meeting, just talking. I was talking to another friend of mine about him... and the "allowing of feelings", his comment was that "he evidently already has feelings for you"........ he said to think about it "do you talk to your best girlfriend everyday?" No I dont........ he then proceeded to tell me that if he didnt have feelings that he wouldnt call everyday just to talk to me.

 

I dont know....... I dont know what to think, what to feel, what to do......... hence my name here........

[MarkhamSister]

As an OW myself, what I see is that you're trying to decide whether to be in this relationship with him or not. I can understand how gratifying the relationship is--I have a similar one.

 

I disagree that he is probably lying to you too. I do get rather tired of reading about how the MM is always lying to the OW. Each case is its own situation and needs to be evaluated on its own merits.

 

I think that you do know what to think and what to feel: you care about him and enjoy him, and it's hard to not continue that. It all depends what you want. You both have strong feelings and this is a relationship that has the ingredients to be a good one. But these relationships only have so much room to grow when one or both parties is constrained.

 

I would ask him what you should both do about your feelings. If you're committed to being best friends, then commit to never, ever being in a place where you can be physical, and acknowledge that the calling is encouraging a relationship that's more than friends and as enjoyable as it is, if you have to hide it then you should stop it.

 

If you'd like to continue the affair, then you both have to take responsibility for itself and for each other, as well as the spouses involved etc.

 

You sound very intelligent. Give yourself a little time to really look at how you're feeling and what you want to do, not just in the immediate short-term process but months down the road.

[PoshPrincess]

I disagree that he is probably lying to you too. I do get rather tired of reading about how the MM is always lying to the OW. Each case is its own situation and needs to be evaluated on its own merits.

 

I totally second this comment. Well said! No sitch is the same; no two people are the same.

 

Amazed&Confused, your MM obviously has feelings for you which he is trying to fight. I think the best thing for you to do would be to back off as much as possible, subject to work commitments, and see what happens. I have recently finished a relationship with an MM which ended fairly amicably but has left me in pieces. I never realised I could be SO heartbroken. You have to be prepared for a lot of heartache. Also, like you, I had recently come out of a LTR when we became involved. In hindsight, starting an R with anyone would have been a bad idea at that time but I believe everything happens for a reason, however bad. Unfortunately, I fell in love with the wrong man (or right man, wrong time, wrong place), and he fell in love with me. He was, however, someone else's man which rightly or wrongly (no, wrongly of course), I knew from the start so should NEVER have gone there. Just be careful, that's all I am saying. Give him space to think about what he wants. Our A started out mainly as an EA that became physical but my MM felt too guilty to actually have sex. Maybe i should've seen that as a sign!

 

Good luck

[Mirage222]

It's true... everything does happen for a reason. You just have to be "stronger" then him in the sence that this relationship could go well or get physically & emotionally draining in the future. It happens so don;t beat your self up over it. If you are willing to go the mile + then you are my hero but if you feel this is already draining your spirits then get out because there are people out there other then this MM!

[AmazedNConfused]

You guys are great. You all dont know how much I appreciate being able to come here and vent, cry, and share without being judged.

 

He left me a voicemail this morning on his way to work... Im off today........ but it said that he just wanted to be the first voice that I heard this morning when I woke up and to be the one that put a smile on my face today.

 

See why its so hard??? Hes probably one of the greatest men I have ever met in my life. Has a sense of humor that wont quit.... he left a message the other day that he was just joking around making funny comments......the last thing he said before he hung up was "smiling yet?"

 

Always doing things like that...... <sigh>

[PoshPrincess]

He left me a voicemail this morning on his way to work... Im off today........ but it said that he just wanted to be the first voice that I heard this morning when I woke up and to be the one that put a smile on my face today.

 

See why its so hard??? Hes probably one of the greatest men I have ever met in my life. Has a sense of humor that wont quit.... he left a message the other day that he was just joking around making funny comments......the last thing he said before he hung up was "smiling yet?"

 

Always doing things like that...... <sigh>

 

Sounds a lot like my ex-MM. Jeez, I really miss that - the first call of the morning, the last text/call at night. A message on my a/phone at home, even though we had spoken a few minutes earlier, just so that I could listen to it on my return home before going to bed. It's those little things that make it all SO special when you're together but SO hard when it's all over. Aaargghhhh!!!!!