Green eyes Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Ok heres the deal. I met this girl about a year ago. When I met her she was about to get married to her fiance. They have been together for 9 years, moved here from NY because he wanted to settle down outside of a city. Then decided that they wanted to get married. Well from out of nowhere he pulled the marraige our from underneath her. That should never happen to a women. I got wind of her being single from some mutual friends. She, being verry attractive had guys lining up to date her. Well I went another route and was sweet and gave her time. Next thing you know it shes in my arms. Well we started getting intimate but before that she told me that she didnt want a relationship being the fact of her wanting to move back to New York and getting out of that long ass relationship. I understood. Well next thing you know it. We completly fall for eachother. But she told herself and her friends that she would never stay or move for another guy. Lastnight she told me that she was going to take her house off of the market and refinancing her house. Which is wonderful. But then she goes off and says this, " This totally sucks that I am 25 and not married with no kids. Now I have to start over. I have to find a boyfriend, by the time we get engaged ill probably be 26 or 27 and then its going to be hard to have kids." I was kind of blown away by this. I was thinking to myself, " Wait I thought I was your boyfreind." But instead I just kinda shrugged it off. Its been eating at me. She has refered to me as her BF to other people, but why would she say that? Sorry to drag it out but you have to know her past a little bit to help me with this problem. What do you think?
Ripples Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Er, quite honestly, seems like she's trying to goad you into saying "No! I want to marry you and have kids with you!" As a by the by, if she really thinks 26 or 27 is old for having kids, she needs to do some research.
burning 4 revenge Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Oh thank God At first I thought this was a necrophilia thread.
Matt L Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Yeah dude, it seems like she's referring to you when she says "boyfriend," at least if that's a direct quote, I mean maybe it's possible I'm missing some of the meaning here. I'd approach this with a certain amount of wariness though, if I were you. She may have her eyes so dead set on marriage and children that she doesn't care with whom she lives that out with. ... Before you know it, you could end up married to this woman, she could have borne you 3 kids, and then she could realize that she didn't ever really loved you in the first place. 'Just sayin'.
Author Green eyes Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 Wow dude, that just totally threw me of guard. I never thought of it like that. What if shes just feeling me out to see if we are on the same page?
bella_girl Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Alternatively she is feeling clucky and it sort of escaped from her mouth before she had time to think about it. She might have a vague life plan of 'I'd like to get married and have kids by this age' but these are never set in stone and it's time place circumstance (otherwise I would have achieved more by now). Ie you might want a degree by 30 and at 28 you start to think gee I have to enrol by next Tuesday in order to fit all that in..... life doesn't always work out that way. Sometime you get this feeling at various points that you should have achieved more by a certain age ie when I'm blah aren't I meant to have a real job, own a house etc etc... Societal pressures, despite the fact you still feel like you are 12! So that could be what she is feeling. The 'boyfriend' thing though I would ask her about and clear up where exactly you stand in her mind.
Author Green eyes Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 We email eachother while we are working. I tell her that Im glad she is staying here. And that I very excited. Well she writes me back. She says, "Im staying for right now, who know. I might still be moving as early as spring." " I am very dissappointed but I need to just stay here for right now." This throws me off also. But I play it cool:cool:. I say to her, " Well you could look at it like this. You just baught yourself 5 to 6 more months to fall madly in love with me." She wrote me back and told me that I dont want to fall in love with her. So I asked her why? Apparently she thinks that if she does move she doesnt want both of us to get hurt. Blah blah and she has been hurt pretty badly by her ex. So I reassured her that i would never hurt her and that 6 months is a long time to show her how it could be with me and how she would be able to trust me. She wrote back and said, "Okay ." That wasnt enough for me so I asked her if that made her feel better. She said, No, and she is just feeling lost. WTF. I totally dumped myself onto this girl and told her how I felt. And it just backfires in my face. What the hell am I to do now?
norajane Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 She hasn't had time to get over her ex. 9 years is a long time, especially when they were planning a future together and he just cancelled it. She's never, ever, ever been on her own as an adult and it's freaking her out. She's never felt the uncertainty of not being loved, of not having someone at her side, of not having a future to plan with someone. She's never known what it's like to have to make her own decisions about her future. She is longing for the security she used to feel. What she wants is a guarantee. She wants to fall in love, get engaged, and plan those kids right away - she wants someone to step into her fiancee's shoes so she doesn't have to deal with being on her own. Proceed with caution. If you are ready for marriage to her (!) or think you could be in a very short time, then be with her and be madly in love with her and give her the security she seeks. If you aren't certain, then maybe you're best not to get involved deeper because she WILL want to pin you down soon - or find someone else she can pin down. She doesn't want to be alone for a second longer.
tanbark813 Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 I know this is going to sound like a crazy idea, but why not tell her what it is YOU want?
Author Green eyes Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 Because I am def in love with this girl. I havent told her yet because im scared that she doesnt feel the same. And that previous convo didnt help me make my decision to tell her easy. Point blank I dont want to scare her away.
serial muse Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Oh thank God At first I thought this was a necrophilia thread. :lmao: :lmao: awesome.
Walk Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 I really would've interpretted all her words as: You aren't it, but I'll keep you around to fill a void until something else comes. I wonder if she picked you because she felt she couldn't emotionally invest in you, so you were safe? Someone who couldn't hurt her because she doesn't feel deeply about you.. No offense, but I don't know if its very wise to keep chasing this one. She just got out of a nearly decade long relationship. She's talking as though you don't factor anywhere into her future. You express your feelings and hopes, and all she can say is "ok"... This is looking too favorable for you. Just my impression... but I think you're throwing good money after bad. Her comment about the getting married and having kids made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. People like that scare the crap out of me! Societal pressures more important than living your life and enjoying it. I kind of wonder if that wasn't why her ex dumped her... She probably had his life planned out too. "We will have kids now!!!" ick. No thanks. "And on day 12, we will have sex. You on top. I don't care if you enjoy it!!! I just want your sperm!!!!" Scary women. People who think they have that much control over there lives worry me. Not to mention the idea that she will be absolutely devastated if anything interferres with that. God forbid she was sterile, or the guy had bunk swimmers or something. Her life would end... **dramatic collapse on floor** Far too much pressure for me. You deal with what you were handed and make the best of it. She's still living in la la land as far as I'm concerned.
Recommended Posts