6 months have gone by, im still miserable

[heartbroken1234]

I'm so lost and confused at this point. My ex and I broke up about 6 months ago now. She broke up with me because I had become "distant". I admitted to this due to the fact I realized I was prioritizing football above pretty much everything, but everyone knows college football can be time consuming. But still, I place full blame on myself and tried to change but it was too late.

To fill you in on our relationship though while we were together, we were together for almost 1 year. We were a lot closer than that though due to the fact I was living with her for the most part. Obviously both we're in love or at least I think and still feel and both of us had wanted to spend our lives together. She became very hurt and felt as if she didn't have a boyfriend when I was distant, but when she brought this up to me and told me, I tried my very best to prove my love to her. 4 days after our talk about her being sad and hurting we went on a cruise with my family, it was already scheduled from a while back though. The cruise went great, no problems, fights or anything. Everything was so perfect! Everything always was up until I became distant for a month or so. So 2 days after the cruise she breaks up with me. To make a long story short tho, she dumps me, and starts seeing someone else 2 weeks later all the while lying to me and my friends about it and we all end up finding out that they are sleeping together, staying w/ each other, and a couple weeks after that even they are saying I love you. Obviously I'm crushed at all of that. But now, even 6 months later, I'm still very crushed. I've tried no contact but she always breaks contact with me, but nothing big, she just wants to be friendly and hates when I ignore her and all that. But, through out these 6 months, we've continually talked with no contacts lasting a week tops due to her saying something to me and getting upset and very emotional. When we do end up seeing each other or meeting to talk it is very emotional, flirty, all in one. We'll start out kinda flirty but then start discussing things and it gets emotional and we just end up holding one another, hugging, holding hands, and I just kiss on her, no lips though, and all initiated by me, but she's still allowing all this. I'm writing this now because this last week it has got worse. She'll stay up and talk to me for 4 straight hours a night sometimes and talk so much to me. About things that we used to have between just us when we were together. For example: favorite things, kids names, where we wanted to live, and both of us always still relating and referring to each other. By the way, her boyfriend is now 3 hours away, so they are a distance relationship, the kid is a complete moron, and I'm not just saying that, and he's also very unattractive, not that it matters to some people, but anyways. So she'll talk to me, hug me, hold me, hold my hand, let me kiss on her all behind his back. What does all this mean? Why is she doing this? I keep asking her if she loves me or not... Why will she not answer this for me? I ask her why were not together and she just says because she has a boyfriend, but duh, thats obvious. She also just says how she's scared if she gave me a chance again that I'd go straight back to being distance and things would be bad. When I just keep continually tell her how much I love and adore her now and want to spend my life with her and how I'd spend my life trying to make her the happiest girl in the world... WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?! Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated... I'm so desperate... Please!!!

[rosybifocals]

she sounds like she is unsure about what she wants, and she is keeping the other guy around as back up. from what i can see she really wants to be with you, because if she was really dedicated to the other guy she would be with him, and would have no contact with you. she probably just wants to make you jealous and see if you will still want to be with her. i mean, if she is allowing you to kiss her on the neck and hold her hand...girls like that stuff...she wants to be with you, but just cannot trust your time management and how you express yourself to her. you should try some couples counseling to help both of you work on how you talk and interact with each other. i think that she should not be with that other guy if that is how she is with you, and that you should not let her take advantage of you. she needs to make a decision, because it will hurt you even more if you become obsessed with the idea that you could be together, and then she walks away.

 

approach her and tell her you know what you want and that you are willing to go to therapy to work on the issues that you have with communication and expression. you two also should not live together, it is too much stress at so young an age, and can add a lot of extra pressures. i have the same problem with my boyfriend being distant, and i know if i lived with him, we would fight a lot more because i would witness his distance 10X more.

 

you just need to talk to her and let her know you are serious...and what you want. you can work on all of your trust and communication issues in therapy..it is really helpful. i just think she needs the reassurance to know you will be there, because she doesnt sound too dedicated to the other guy.

 

hope i helped, good luck

[heartbroken1234]

Thanks for the response, I truly appreciate it and it helps seeing other people's opinion. As for the counseling, she would never go for that because she "has a boyfriend" and he'd be mad at the fact of us even talking if he knew. And I mean, at the thought of us being together, she always says she's doing what she wants and everything.

I have told her especially recently when I'd ask for no contact that the only way I want contact is if its her telling me she loves me again. But she always finds something very small and sneaks her way back into talking to me. The college we go to is very school where everyone knows everyone and everyone see's everyone, so I try to avoid the awkward run ins, although they always seem to benefit me, because I can play it cool in person where it makes her more sad that we've basically become acquaintances to a certain extent. I just truly know she's dragging me along just in case her new boyfriend and her don't work out. But as stated above, they are 3 hours apart and only see each other on the weekends, so nothing can really go wrong. They talk all week, and then its all intimate on the weekends. So it will be hard for her to notice any type of distance that she claimed I had and everything. Also, when we were together she'd visit family a lot and I wouldn't go all the time and only go along with her occasionally which I realize now I should've went alot more, but still... Now she's with a guy that can never do any of that stuff with her... c'mon now... I'm just really confused because she says she still cares so much and still always brings up how she DID want to spend her life with me. I just don't see why she isn't able to come out and just tell me she doesn't love me anymore, even if its not the truth. I just feel as if she owes it to me. I mean, she's supposed to already be happy and in love, why can't she give me the satisfaction to try and move on. Even though, I know in my heart that I will always love and adore her, and want to be with her. I'm just so confused and don't know what to do....

[D-Lish]

Look, I know this may sound harsh- but explain why you want her back?

 

She has been dishonest- she left you and immediately started seeing someone else- she is currently tugging at your heart strings and won't give you any straight answers about anything....

 

It seems apparant that she is confused- that she obviously still has feelings for you... but she is with someone else. how, in turn could you trust her if you two reconciled? Was she doing this to you behind your back previously prior to breaking up? Would she do that again?

 

perhaps you should tell her you won't talk to her or take her calls anymore until she makes a decision about whether or not she loves you and is prepared to come back to you. then- stick to no contact until she figures out her sh&t.

 

ya know?

D

[rosybifocals]

i really think you should not let this half and half relationship go on. it is not fair to you. of course you enjoy the attention she is giving you, you still love her...but you will never get over her if she is always there.

 

if i were in your shoes i would give her an ultimatum...it is not fair that she treats you this way and expects you to be there for her when she is not for you... she wants the comfort of having the back up, and that is completely and totally selfish and unfair.

 

i dont think you should do therapy now, i think if she chooses to be with you, thats how you can tell her you could work on changing.

 

do not allow her to take advantage of you, that is completely unfair. you are worth more than that. it is really hard to play you dont care, you should work on making yourself happy. that is what is most important.

[heartbroken1234]

No, that isn't harsh at all, and trust me, thats all my friends continually tell me. WHY WHY WHY do you still love her and want her... Haha, and to be honest, the only answer I have for that is just that I love her. Things were so perfect when we were together and there was never any type of lying, cheating, anything bad on either of our parts. Lots of people that knew both of us seem to tell me maybe we were "too perfect". I don't like to hear that at all because I just think we're meant to be and thats why everything was so great. Yeah, it is very shady that she moved on so quickly and lied about it, but here I go again defending and loving her, but I think she lied to protect my feelings. Which I would much rather her just come out and be brutally honest with me. I know what your saying though, I definitely just need to try and buck up and stick to my no contact. It's just hard cause I'm still so attached to her and she'll always try to contact me after I tell her I want no contact, its as if she's doing it just to see if I'm still there for her. People keep telling me to make her feel as if I'm gone and not here for her and she'll miss me and want me back. I realize this could be, but I want to be here for her no matter what, I love her to much to push her aside, cause I hate seeing her sad and feel bad ignoring her and she makes me feel bad for ignoring her. And also, whenever I say no contact, she comes out and puts it back on me that I don't love her anymore and I'm the one moving on. It's a very tough situation for me that I find a lose-lose situation almost. Thanks for your response though, I truly appreciate it and would love to hear anything more you might have to say or add...

[heartbroken1234]

I guess I definitely need to just go ahead and try giving her an ultimatum. I've always been a firm believer of not giving someone an ultimatum because they can very easily be confused as a "threat" and I guess they kinda are regardless how you look at it. I realize I need to try and make myself happy, it's just hard knowing how happy I was with her and knowing how happy she was at one point with me. So I know we could both be so happy again if she'd just make the choice to be with me and admit to how she still feels. I'll give it a whirl tomorrow about no contact, but after tonights shannanagans we'll see when we talk again. Like, most of the time her breaking no contact will be a simple "sad face" via instant messanger or text messaging. Nothing huge, just something to make me think and try and make me start talking. I just hope I'm not being the bad person for ignoring her when all she says she's doing is trying to be nice... We will see, I guess only time will tell. I just hope something changes soon. I mean, 6 months is a lot of my life...

[rosybifocals]

you are the one thats moving on1?!!?!? please...she has a boyfriend and she will accuse you of not loving her?!

 

please please please...no contact. that is so selfish...all she cares about right now is herself. if she cared about you she would not treat you like this.

 

make her miss you...then she will want you back...and break up wth the other guy... if it is worth it, then do it. but it sounds really messed up the way she wants to handle it. ask her exactly what she sees in the future? is she going to go on seeing two guys at once?!

 

so messed up!

[heartbroken1234]

Yeah, I know, I don't see how she can say I'm moving on and that I don't love her. but yeah... And I realize what you're saying bout her "seeing both of us"... But she doesn't really do anything with me, she'll allow the hugging and some intimate stuff but its all initiated by me, as if I'm trying to push my limits and see how far I can go. As for me asking her what she see's? feels? anything? All she really has in response to anything I ask is... " I don't know" "I can't talk about this right now"

Oh and wait this is my favorite... haha... " i just can't be with you RIGHT NOW"... She always seems to add right now to everything as if to lead me on and make me wonder. I just don't see why she does this to me...

[rosybifocals]

allowing the intimate stuff is just as bad as initiating it. she is not stopping it for a reason.

 

its not fair for her to take advantage of you and leave you out in the blue...if she expects you to show her you love her, then you should be able to expect the same from her...there is no reason she should have more priority over you.

 

"I don't know" "I can't talk about this right now"

the "right now" is to keep you hanging, so you will still be there. it sounds like she is using you as a back up, and wants you to stick around in case the other relationship doesnt work out.

 

ultimatums are threatening, i agree. but in a situation in which you are completely being taken advantage over...it might just be necessary.

 

you are digging your own grave by sticking around her too long, as much as you enjoy it THINGS CHANGE...it will not always be like this.

good luck.

[heartbroken1234]

Thanks, I really appreciate your time and responses/opinions. It truly does help to hear what other's have to say and think. I realize something needs to change because it has been 6 months with nothing changing at all, except for the fact that she has been a lot more emotional about "us" the past couple weeks and the one contacting me, but I guess that is more than likely just because he is 3 hours away except of the weekends. Anyways... I spoke with her in person last night for about an hour or so and cleared my mind with everything. She still would not give me the satisfaction of telling me whether she is still in love with me or not, but as I said to her when she wouldn't respond, her lack of response says it all and proves it all. I also told her how I've done nothing for the past 6 months but tell her I love her and want her back to get nothing in return and for nothing to change, so obviously someone has to step up and do something. So I basically told her how much I loved her one last time, told her us not talking and meeting up anymore doesn't mean that I've changed, it's all because of her and she could've had me if she wanted me and that she is the one who threw it all away. There was quite a bit more said, but I didn't dig to deep considering she was already very emotional and crying pretty much the whole time. And she was the one grabbing my hand and holding my hand this time. So I told her I was just gonna do my best to hope and pray that she is happy even with its without me and told her how I realize no matter how much I love her and she loved me, if she can love again, it means I can love again as well. Which really got to her and made her lose it. I don't know really. We'll just see what happens I guess. I'm at a nice calm about everything right now and just hope I can continue to have this positive mindset and realize nothing I say or do will change her, the change will have to be on her own. Thanks again Rosy for your responses. Appreciate it!