Cardinal64 Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Hello again. Tell me...how does one cope with a cheating spouse? I mean aside from the obvious - that is seprating/divorcing - usually is there any hope in trying to turn things around? My wife seems hell-bent on a sepration from me - because she claims she wants her "freedom", married life doesn't "do" it for her anymore and - lastly - her feelings for me have "changed". But, I know that there's another man in the picture - that is the real reason. This has apparently been going on for a while. It hurts like hell knowing this. I have thought about saying to heck with it and just going out myself and finding someone to screw too - but, to be honest, I really have no desire for another woman other than my wife . Unfortunately, the same can't be said for her. We have a 5-1/2 year old son - who we both love dearly. Has anyone else out there felt like if they went out and had an affair - it would be like they were cheating on their kid(s)? Can't help feeling this way.
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/ This was the thread I recommended for you to read (or atleast try to skim through it as it's quite long) not sure if you've had a peak or not. Don't go have sex with another woman...Sure, you may feel wonderful for about 5 minutes, but then you'll feel awful. 5 minutes of pleasure isn't worth it. You may end up hurting an innocent woman too, and I don't think you want that. Plus, if you and your wife DO work things out, you'd have to tell her the truth (if) you slept with another woman... What do you want to do. Stay? Go? Separate? I know you love your wife, it's quite evident in your words and in your pain, I'm not sure how to help you though. Maybe it is best to let her go, for a while. The thing is, are you willing to let her go, make this big mistake and still be waiting for her if she comes back? These are all things you need to decide sooner or later because you cannot go on as things stand now, it's killing you. P.S Did you give some more thought about one on one counselling? I don't mean to push you, but it could really help you alot right about now too.
sick Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 I'm in same boat as you. except my wife still says she needs to get past this phase. WTF does that mean: I don't know what I should do.
FlyingHigh Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 Cardinal and Sick, Have you two checked out www.marriagebuilders.com? If you haven't, please do. This website is dedicated primarily as the title says, due to infidelity. Read "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs" and Plan A & B which are steps to do once you discover your spouse is having an affair. There are success stories in rebuilding a marriage even after an affair. Your spouses committed one of the most cruelest and selfish act by engaging in an affair, not to mention putting your life at risks for STD. But it was also a symptom of your marital discord. Granted, I'm a believer that if you're going to make a conscious decision to cheat, either do one of two things: 1) tell your spouse, "hey, I'm unhappy. We need to fix our marriage or this is what can and might happen..." znd work the marriage OR 2) If you don't have to balls to be honest and do #1, then get the hell out and spare your innocent spouse the pain, betrayal, humility and possibily a life sentence from STD. The problem is that cheaters have a strong sense of entitlement and they rarely see their spouse as victims including chilldren of their seflish deed. If anything they see themselves as the victim. They want to have their cake and eat it too. It's a wonder how people are more afraid of the IRS than the idea of risking losing everything, their spouse, children, home, finance, reputation, job, and even life sentence from STD just because the are too self absorbed with themsellves.
mental_traveller Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 Hello again. Tell me...how does one cope with a cheating spouse? I mean aside from the obvious - that is seprating/divorcing - usually is there any hope in trying to turn things around? Usually there is no hope. And one "copes" by doing the obvious. Why don't you stop denying reality, stop hoping for a fairy tale miracle, grow a set and get out of this crazy situation?
EndoftheRope Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 I have felt the desire to have a retaliation affair. A big thing that stops me is that I don't want my children EVER to know I stooped to that level, and the best way, of course, is to not do it.
brainless twit Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 Visit Surviving Infidelity - plenty of information and support. That's how I cope; I spend 5-6 hours a day reading and posting there.
Sup Posted October 22, 2006 Posted October 22, 2006 Someone on these posts somewhere said: You can Divorce now, and somewhere down the road get back together. It usually dosn't happen, but, hey, do you want her to keep on inflicting this, and more pain on ya? I know you love her and all, but, she just won't stop, she has to hit bottom. Better for you NOT to be there when she does, because then it WILL still be all about HER, and not what she did to you. When do YOU come into this, when do you get YOUR say? She needs a BIG dose of reality to come along and smack her right in her face. (Don't hit her)
CastingPearls Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Is your wife the type of person who thinks her decisions through, or does she just respond to whatever is happening at that moment? If she wants a separation and is level headed and not infatuated with the new guy, I'd say your best bet is to let her go. If she is flighty, she may regret her decision later, but she may have already spent a lot of time getting to the point where she wanted out. You can hold out the option of counseling but she may reject it. To screw around may soothe your bruised ego but won't bring her rushing back, in fact it might just make her feel she did the right thing by leaving. It's a shame you have to go through all this, but don't let her selfishness turn you into a different person. Sadly, thoughts of how the children are affected rarely seem to be able to stop this kind of behavior.
PoshPrincess Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 I mean aside from the obvious - that is seprating/divorcing - usually is there any hope in trying to turn things around? My wife seems hell-bent on a sepration from me - because she claims she wants her "freedom", married life doesn't "do" it for her anymore and - lastly - her feelings for me have "changed". But, I know that there's another man in the picture - that is the real reason. This has apparently been going on for a while. It hurts like hell knowing this. Her A is not necessarily the reason for her not wanting to be with you at the moment. It may possibly be the symptom rather than the cause, in which case, once you sort out your problems together (if she ever decides she is willing to do this) you would hopefully be able to put in behind you. It could just be that she was unhappy and sadly, that was her way of dealing with her unhappiness. Of course, it shouldn't have come to this, she should've been honest with you from the off but you can't change the past now - you just have to concentrate on the future. I have thought about saying to heck with it and just going out myself and finding someone to screw too - but, to be honest, I really have no desire for another woman other than my wife . Unfortunately, the same can't be said for her. We have a 5-1/2 year old son - who we both love dearly. Has anyone else out there felt like if they went out and had an affair - it would be like they were cheating on their kid(s)? Can't help feeling this way. Don't have sex with another woman as Tit-for-Tat. As someone else posted, it really won't make you feel any better in the long run. It will just give some temporary relief but then you'll more than likely end up regretting it. Don't stoop to her level. Just remember you're better than that!
Ladyjane14 Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Tell me...how does one cope with a cheating spouse? First and foremost, you don't want to aid and abet the adultery. Giving her a separation in order that she can go out and 'test drive' her new relationship is probably more cooperation than you want to give her. My wife seems hell-bent on a sepration from me - because she claims she wants her "freedom", married life doesn't "do" it for her anymore and - lastly - her feelings for me have "changed". But, I know that there's another man in the picture - that is the real reason. Of course it is. Adulterers do get tired of sneaking around. Obtaining a separation from you gives her the "freedom" she needs to legitimize the extra-marital relationship. She can let go of her feelings of guilt, give the OM a try, and maybe even keep YOU percolating nicely on the back-burner as a fall-back plan. By refusing to go along with this, you force her to make hard choices. If she wants the OM, there's nothing you can do to stop her from leaving... but make certain that she knows her choice is a permanent one. You're not going to be there for her when it all blows up in her face. You're not going to be her "friend" afterwords either. The 'friendship gambit' is next on the horizon if it hasn't already revealed itself, btw. Cheaters want the best of both worlds afterall. They grow accustomed to having their ENs (emotional needs) met by TWO different people, and they don't like the idea of giving that up. They want to step into their new life and leave a toehold in the last one as well. And frankly, it doesn't sit well with them to be 'the bad guy'. Assuaging their spouse's hurt feelings goes a long way toward alleviating their sense of guilt. In the fantasy bubble in which they live, everyone will adjust in time and become one big happy family. By letting her know that you won't be available to her in ANY capacity, you increase the difficulty of her decision. You poke a hole in "the fantasy bubble". She can't keep YOU and still have the OM. Her choice becomes binding. Long and short.... it's an ULTIMATUM. If you haven't seen an attorney yet, you should certainly do that ASAP. If your wife leaves the home, be ready to sue her for divorce on grounds of adultery. Make sure you have evidence to support your claims. If you're a pretty good dad, go for primary custody and retention of the family home. Send her out with the shirt on her back and not much more. There's no reason why you should be inconvenienced or relegated to 'Weekend Dad' status just because your wife flaked out, right? I know all that sounds like pretty harsh advice, but... this is the second incident of adultery. I think you'd probably do well to play hardball at this point. You don't want to keep going through this every couple of years in perpetuity. Unless this young lady learns NOW that fidelity is required in order for her to stay married to you... she'll continue to reoffend even if you somehow manage to overcome her current fling. If she can't learn that lesson, why would you want her back anyway? I have thought about saying to heck with it and just going out myself and finding someone to screw too - but, to be honest, I really have no desire for another woman other than my wife . Unfortunately, the same can't be said for her. I'm in agreement with WWIU and others.... take the high road. You'll feel better for it. AND.... you'll look better in divorce court. We have a 5-1/2 year old son - who we both love dearly. Has anyone else out there felt like if they went out and had an affair - it would be like they were cheating on their kid(s)? Can't help feeling this way. I think you're absolutely correct. Cheating on a spouse undermines the stability of the family, so yeah.... it cheats kids too. Bear in mind, that if you do decide to "play hardball" with your wife... you'll want to take great pains to emotionally support your child's relationship with his mother. Even if you achieve primary custody, you'll want to make sure he's getting plenty of visitation with her and that he's secure in the knowledge that he is loved by BOTH parents.
PoshPrincess Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Of course it is. Adulterers do get tired of sneaking around. Obtaining a separation from you gives her the "freedom" she needs to legitimize the extra-marital relationship. She can let go of her feelings of guilt, give the OM a try, and maybe even keep YOU percolating nicely on the back-burner as a fall-back plan. I definitely agree with LadyJane on this one. I am an ex-OW and this was certainly the case in my sitch. My MMs W found out about us and, once she did, he got himself a conscience and our R fizzled out soon after. He couldn't handle the guilt (W made sure the kids knew as well) and obviously found the sneaking around much harder once they were suspicious every time he left the house. Of course, your W has to want to make YOUR relationship work. Best of luck, but don't let her walk all over you. She will have a lot of making up to do to rebuild your trust. BTW, is she showing any signs of remorse? Think of one other thing, her OM may actually decide to end it knowing that you now know. He may not think enough of her to bother with all the hassle, plus if he was just in it for excitement value, non-commitment sex, or whatever, it won't be the same to him now, will it? If she thinks she wants to be with him and he dumps on her from a great height it may bring her back down to earth and will make her realise what she could've lost - hopefully before it's too late!
jmargel Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over & over, expecting different results. That said your post has been answered dozens of times. The way others decided on what to do varied from holding onto them, to letting them go. What I found out what worked, from reading situations on here to my own personal one was that by giving them the combination of 'tough love' and by 'opening the cage door for them' gave the best results. If you decide to grab ahold of her ankles & plead to 'not go' that'll only push her away further. One of the qualities women love in men is "confidence". By you trying to 'hold on' is just showing a weak side of you that women don't like. However most men think of this as showing love or an affection that women desire. However IMO that's not how women perceive it. IMO what I would do, and have done is to tell her 'If you want to go, fine then go but you are not welcomed back into my life'. If you do not make this clear to her then you are tolerating and letting her know in unspoken words that she can have her fun but then come back when she wants. By being upfront you are letting her know the consequences she is facing. Then it's upto her whether or not what she's going to do is worth losing everything. By you going out having a 'fling' will only validate anything that is upside-down in her head. Trying to do this for 'revenge' or for her to 'see the light' won't work. Often a spouse in your position with given the opportunity to leave; usually won't. She expects you to act a certain way (by either ankle holding or begging) and already has her answers to give you if you go this route. If you surprise her by saying 'I love you, but if you want to go that is your choice, but I can't take you back. If you want to fix what is wrong I am willing to goto MC with you and find out how we can better communicate. Though if you walk away that shows me you truly want this marriage to be over'. Then she is going to think. Give her time, let her come to you. I kinda compare this to training my dogs. Often when a dog breaks loose the first thing people do is chase it, calling it's name. The dog runs further away, so the person yells louder & runs faster. However the dog thinks this is just a game and knows it can run faster & knows it can come back when it's hungry. This goes for the same of a cheating spouse. The best way to fix this to to turn & walk the other way. When I train my dogs I have someone hold them back, while I run away I call their name. They just can't *wait* to come after me. Once the holder lets them loose I keep running away from them, calling their name. So now I have *them* chasing me. You need to do the same for your spouse. Stop with the gifts, the begging, the crying. Let her come to you, let her be the first to say I love you. Let her make the moves to be close to you. If you think she is cheating I would also bring that upto her. She'll deny it, but all you need to say is 'Something about my gut instinct tells me there is another person in this picture' then just let it go. Let her get angry or accuse. Just walk away. These things will make her think. This is not about a blame game. Both of you are at fault for this marriage to be at this point. Take responsibility for your part and let her know this as well. I believe with a combination of these things and with letting her know you would be willing to goto MC with her things might have a chance. However this process can take weeks, so be patient.
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 IMO what I would do, and have done is to tell her 'If you want to go, fine then go but you are not welcomed back into my life'. If you do not make this clear to her then you are tolerating and letting her know in unspoken words that she can have her fun but then come back when she wants. By being upfront you are letting her know the consequences she is facing. Then it's upto her whether or not what she's going to do is worth losing everything. If you think she is cheating I would also bring that upto her. She'll deny it, but all you need to say is 'Something about my gut instinct tells me there is another person in this picture' then just let it go. Let her get angry or accuse. Just walk away. These things will make her think. This is wonderful advice. Cardinal I hope you take what JM has said into consideration. He's really helpful and wise. This is not about a blame game. Both of you are at fault for this marriage to be at this point. Take responsibility for your part and let her know this as well. I believe with a combination of these things and with letting her know you would be willing to goto MC with her things might have a chance. However this process can take weeks, so be patient.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Tell me...how does one cope with a cheating spouse? Why would you want to? Why stay with someone that is doing this to you? To your famliy? And to your kid? Come on... get a divorce lawyer now. ... It could just be that she was unhappy and sadly, that was her way of dealing with her unhappiness. So I'll ask again. Why be with someone that wants to deal with their unhappiness in that way? Don't have sex with another woman as Tit-for-Tat. As someone else posted, it really won't make you feel any better in the long run.But then again it might... It will just give some temporary relief but then you'll more than likely end up regretting it. Don't stoop to her level. Just remember you're better than that!Yeah you are better, but why suffer and endure pain? Just to prove you'rebetter? ... If you decide to grab ahold of her ankles & plead to 'not go' that'll only push her away further. One of the qualities women love in men is "confidence". By you trying to 'hold on' is just showing a weak side of you that women don't like. Yeap, and that's why dating some other woman might help. If she wants you she'll have to fight for you. If she doesn't care about you you get to have the other woman and nothing you do can get your wife back. By you going out having a 'fling' will only validate anything that is upside-down in her head. Maybe, maybe it will flip her head right side up. Maybe she'll decide you're worth keeping if other women want you. Trying to do this for 'revenge' or for her to 'see the light' won't work. Often a spouse in your position with given the opportunity to leave; usually won't. She expects you to act a certain way (by either ankle holding or begging) and already has her answers to give you if you go this route. If you surprise her by saying 'I love you, but if you want to go that is your choice, but I can't take you back. If you want to fix what is wrong I am willing to goto MC with you and find out how we can better communicate.how is that different than grabbing at her ankles as she's walking out the door? Begging her to go to MC. She's screwed around and you want to save the marriage by dragging her to MC? She already doesn't want the marriage. How will she view that as anything but a desperate attempt by the wimp she thinks you are to keep the only woman you can get? I kinda compare this to training my dogs. I'll agree his wife is a bytch. This is not about a blame game. Both of you are at fault for this marriage to be at this point.I missed that. How is any of this Cardnial's fault? And if he does decide to have his own A, isn't she just as responsible for driving him to that? Shouldn't she understand that her rotten behavior lead to her H's seeking other woman? She needs to take responsibilty for that. All the "understanding, MC etc." you advise a BS should have toward the WS apply to the WS if the BS has a revenge affair doesn't it?
jmargel Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 Yeap, and that's why dating some other woman might help. If she wants you she'll have to fight for you. If she doesn't care about you you get to have the other woman and nothing you do can get your wife back. Wrong, with his wife's mental situation right now she is probably blaming everything on him. Second there is a difference between being with someone and just not wanting the other person to be with someone else. Kinda like 'The only reason I'm with you is because I don't want anyone else to have you'. That's the wrong reason to be with a person. how is that different than grabbing at her ankles as she's walking out the door? Begging her to go to MC. She's screwed around and you want to save the marriage by dragging her to MC? She already doesn't want the marriage. How will she view that as anything but a desperate attempt by the wimp she thinks you are to keep the only woman you can get? Big difference. You are giving her a *choice*. MC has huge benefits, alot more benefit then just ankle holding or begging because by just doing that you are *not* dealing with the problem at hand. He would not be dragging her to MC, he would be asking her. If she doesn't want to go, again that's *her choice*, however he then needs to take the next step in making her face the consequences for what she's doing. Even though we love our spouse we can and do make mistakes. Each couple has their breaking point, their 'line in the sand' so where as for one couple they would be able to work through this, another may not. For one person outside the relationship to dictate what *others* should do is wrong. IMO both him & her should be given all the options available to them and let *them decide* on what they think is best. I'll agree his wife is a bytch. You are twisting my words around and I do *not* appreciate that. You may have been left with a sour-taste in your mouth due to a previous relationship that's gone bad but that does not mean you can use this forum as a means to bash others. I missed that. How is any of this Cardnial's fault? And if he does decide to have his own A, isn't she just as responsible for driving him to that? Shouldn't she understand that her rotten behavior lead to her H's seeking other woman? She needs to take responsibilty for that. All the "understanding, MC etc." you advise a BS should have toward the WS apply to the WS if the BS has a revenge affair doesn't it? Let me first say *again* that there is no excuse for cheating. What I am saying is when a married couple (IMO 99% of the time) is in a good, happy, loving relationship then the chances of a spouse cheating is rare. Though it does happen. That said the relationship usually has major cracks in it's foundation prior to the cheating. Usually communication between the couple is the first source of underlying problems in which is just compounds on top of that over time. Please read the link in my signature it explains alot of what I believe are reasons why marriages go bad. If he cheats now (imo) it'll be worse than what his wife has done. He would be doing it for revenge, this will only make things worse and validate her claim that he's the reason for all the problems in the marriage. Right now he needs to be the strong one in the marriage until she can get her head on straight. Whether he decides to do this is *his choice*.
riobikini Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 re: Sup: "...I know you love her and all, but, she just won't stop, she has to hit bottom. Better for you NOT to be there when she does, because then it WILL still be all about HER, and not what she did to you. When do YOU come into this, when do you get YOUR say? She needs a BIG dose of reality..." I think, when someone gets hit with the discovery of a spouse who's cheating -or *wants* to- he/she finds there's a kind of delusion going on inside the brain of the "wanna-be" that is almost *impenetrable*, and it certainly dampens (to say the least) your efforts in trying to get through to them and make them realize exactly the kind of damage they're creating. Sup is right: it's all about them; it's unfair, it's painful, it's frustrating, it's unreasonable, and it sickens you to no end in regards to the tearing apart of your family -and your heart, and the hearts of your children, if you have any. This "delusion" and the dogged, hardheaded pursuit of a "happier" life with the new guy or gal of the affair, builds an instant 6-inch thick wall that seems to have no end to it's height or breadth that allows you to get over to the other side to talk "sense" to the cheater. There are moments that you think you see a little of the mortar cracking -a chink in the "wall" when they cry, or show a bit of emotion but it doesn't last for long, and after the moment is over, the wall seems even stronger than before. You can beg, you can plead, you can try to offer reasonable conversation to induce shock back to the reality of precisely what they're doing, but they leave the conversation only to pursue the affair with more fervor. While I *do* believe that marriage or relationship counseling is potentially helpful, it's *getting* your cheater to *wholeheartedly agree* to it that's the challenge. (You'd probably even accept a half-hearted attempt to repair things from them). It's difficult for them to give up the present excitement they are feeling with the affair, and the promise of some other "wonderful" life they've only dreamed about and given plenty of hours to in fantasizing about. They are -amazingly- very willing to abandon their "old" life -including husband/wife, children, home, family, friends, and sometimes, even their career- for the (most likely, unproven) promise of the new one they hope to build out of the affair. I suggest that, anyone having to deal with similar situations seek counseling whether the spouse or partner goes along, or not. The most extreme, harsh and emotional circumstances, most definitely, are a candidate for counseling of one or both partners. No one should deal with this all by themselves. Strong support is essential for the one(s) (children and others close to the situation) who are "left holding the bag" of responsibility in regards to dealing with his/her own emotional upheaval, the inevitable facing the public (friends, family knowing about the affair), and dealing with the changes in the atmosphere of everyday life in the home (especially emotionally upsetting to children). I believe that *everyone* living in these circumstances are feeling some degree of pain -including the person having the affair- but I also believe there should be *priority* placed on the healing of the one(s) who were slammed with the shock of something totally out of their control because *they* are the ones who will shoulder the most of the responsibility in "cleaning up the mess" and have to apply the greatest effort in rebuilding their broken lives, and finding the courage to forgive the person who created such painful circumstances, and in finding happiness again. See a counselor. -Rio
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