IpAncA Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Ok I'm just wondering what some of you think about this. Well I had a great marriage until I recently got a great job a couple of months ago that I worked very hard to get. I'm still happy in my marriage and I love my job but my H kind of got the back end of it. I pretty much am married to my work because it's so demanding and requires a lot of time and it comes with hellish hours. I won't tell you what I do but It requires that I'm avaliable pretty much 24/7 so I use my phone a lot no matter where I'm at. It never leaves my side. I knew when I got offered it I shouldn't have taking it and I talked to my H about it and he agreed that we would just work thru it. Well that backfired because our marriage has suffered greatly because of it. Since I've had my job I've been ignoring my H like crazy. We don't even do anything together anymore because I'm just so busy. Even on the weekends we don't because I'm mostly on the computer or catching up on sleep. It has got to the point where I could be upstairs working in my office and not even know he's home until a couple of hours later (only happend couple of times). It's not that we've grown a part or nothing but he just thinks that when he gets home or I get home I should drop what I'm doing and pay attention to him only. He just can't understand that I have things to do. It's just so frustrating sometimes and like the other night I was talking to someone and he just took my phone and put it in his pocket and wouldn't let me have it back. I was not thrilled about it because I had to call that person and someone else back the next day before work. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've always told him that he can talk to me while I'm working on stuff but he said that he doesn't want to be part of my multitasking which is just stupid. I talk to people while doing other things all the time.
Moose Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 This is an easy one......you have to decide what's more important.....and that should be a no brainer.... You married your husband FIRST. Quit the job.......
KittenMoon Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 My ex told me once before we broke up that work would always be #1. My heart broke. Do you know what's i's like to be treated second to something with no feelings? Jobs don't get broken hearts, people do. Jobs will not love you back, people will. Jobs will not comfort you when you are sad, people will. Career should be important, but people should come first, especially someone you have vowed to honor, love and cherish for the rest of your life.
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 You have to MAKE the time for him. Bottom line, if you want your marriage to work, put effort in...Prioritize, and make sure he fits in your life.
bab Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 If you only had a few weeks to live, would you want to spend it working nonstop or being with your husband? Well, we never know how much time we have and on top of that, life flies by. If you don't take time out for your husband, your career may take off, but to what avail? A unfufilling marriage? It's not worth it. Spend more time with your husband.
norajane Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Schedule time for your husband, your marriage. Schedule it, block it out on your calendar, and then plan your work stuff around it. If it's important to him that you have some uninterrupted time together when he comes home from work, schedule that hour into your day and don't take any calls right then. After you've reconnected, then you can go back to the work. Schedule time together on weekends and stick to it. Even though you may need to be available 24/7, unless you're a heart surgeon or something, nothing is life and death at work, and there's nothing that really can't wait a few hours. You have to make the time to be with him and show him that he is more important to you than your job. If you don't do that, you might as well kiss your marriage good-bye. Personally, I'd recommend kissing the job good-bye first, but if you insist on sticking to the job, then you have to make some compromises and put some effort into your marriage.
a4a Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Hey OP how would you feel if he was doing the same to you? Not sure what you do but you can set boundaries on work....... stop taking calls at 7 pm...... reserve weekend days for your marriage. If you really really get more satisfaction from your job then your marriage ....... divorce your H and let him find someone that will treat him in a manner in which he desires. I say that with total seriousness. Maybe you just don't have feelings for your H any more and get more from the job then you do the M? Nothing wrong with that if that is what you desire.
Author IpAncA Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 Yeah I'm considering with ditching the job because I can always go back to my old job if I wanted to. But I am going to see if I can work things out with my current job first and I think things would be ok if I could get rid of the calling while I'm at home which I'm working on. Gezz I feel like I'm in college again with a full load of classes with no time to do anything and then hearing you have to make time when there is no time to make. Schedule time together on weekends and stick to it. Even though you may need to be available 24/7, unless you're a heart surgeon or something, nothing is life and death at work, and there's nothing that really can't wait a few hours. No no I'm not a heart surgeon. My job isn't for someone who is married, its for single people big time and I deal with time zones so thats where the 24/7 thing comes in. If it's 10pm where I'm at, its 7pm west of me so it sucks big time. I would love to say no calls after 7pm heck I'll take 6. I don't know why but I get the feeling from some of you that you think I don't care about my husband or even have feelings for him. It's completely the opposite and I don't know if anyone knows what its like to work all day, come home tired and then when your done for the night, to find your husband already in bed asleep. It's not something that I wish for.
norajane Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 No no I'm not a heart surgeon. My job isn't for someone who is married, its for single people big time and I deal with time zones so thats where the 24/7 thing comes in. If it's 10pm where I'm at, its 7pm west of me so it sucks big time. I would love to say no calls after 7pm heck I'll take 6. My career calls for those hours, with the time zone issues, and including Europe and Asia time zones. Plus, megamiles in travel each year. Yes, it's difficult, but the ONLY way you can survive that kind of job is if you set some limits with the people you work with. It was very easy for my co-workers to forget I was on the West coast and schedule conference calls for 6am my time because it was 9 on the East coast. Or for the people in India to schedule calls for 9:30pm my time. And it was unacceptable to me long term. I made the occasional exception, but I put my foot down, explained what hours I would refuse calls, and then when someone would schedule something, I declined the calls and suggested a different time that would work better for me. If the people you work with and work for respect you and want you to succeed, they will make accommodations. If you carve out certain hours where you will be with your husband, then you can go full out during the hours that you are available for work. You cannot be "on" all the time. You will be no good to your company after a while because you will burn out, and never mind what a struggling marriage will do to your productivity and ability to think clearly.
Author IpAncA Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 You cannot be "on" all the time. You will be no good to your company after a while because you will burn out, and never mind what a struggling marriage will do to your productivity and ability to think clearly. Yeah that is so true. I've been doing this for about 3 months now and I'm already there.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 This is an easy one......you have to decide what's more important.....and that should be a no brainer.... You married your husband FIRST. Quit the job....... What a great piece of advice. Excellent!
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 ... I just don't know what to do anymore. I've always told him that he can talk to me while I'm working on stuff but he said that he doesn't want to be part of my multitasking which is just stupid. I talk to people while doing other things all the time. Let's see.... 1. quit your job and pay attention to your husband. 2. keep your job and ignore you husband - he'll either divorce you or cheat on you. 3. keep your job and give your husband permission to take a mistress to statisfy his needs, risking him leaving you for his mistress. 4. keep your job and get your husband a dog... no that won't work... 5. uh, keep your job and make him miserable. Do you know how nutty you sound? You got no time for you husband. He's supposed to be happy just talking to you while you aren't really listening to him and you're "multitasking". You know how irritating it is try to talk to someone that isn't give you their full and undivided attention? I wouldn't bother with such a person. Time zone? Use email. Less intrusive than phone calls and more efficient. Get blackberry. I don't know why but I get the feeling from some of you that you think I don't care about my husband or even have feelings for him. It's completely the oppositeHey, people do the things that are most important to them. If you spend all your time "on the job", then that is what is most important to you, not your husband. You care more about your job than your husband and that is exactly what your behavior is telling him. Without knowing what your job is, which isn't heart surgery, it's hard to imagine why things can't be put off until tomorrow. Are things really that time critical?
Author IpAncA Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 Do you know how nutty you sound? You got no time for you husband. He's supposed to be happy just talking to you while you aren't really listening to him and you're "multitasking". You know how irritating it is try to talk to someone that isn't give you their full and undivided attention? I wouldn't bother with such a person. Time zone? Use email. Less intrusive than phone calls and more efficient. Get blackberry. Hey, people do the things that are most important to them. If you spend all your time "on the job", then that is what is most important to you, not your husband. You care more about your job than your husband and that is exactly what your behavior is telling him. Without knowing what your job is, which isn't heart surgery, it's hard to imagine why things can't be put off until tomorrow. Are things really that time critical? Yeah I messed up big time I know and yes, I know how annoying that is when you can't talk to someone while their doing other things. It annoys me also and I wouldn't put up with that either. Why did I do it then? Probably because I was selfish and only thinking of myself and not him. Yeah I agree with you that people only do whats important to them and I will admit that it was important to me and yes I did put him off so I could take a call or go do something else. I just kept thinking "O I'll just talk to him later he won't mind" and I just keep putting it off and time just went by. I am going back to my job that I had before this one. It's the same thing, except I have less clients and most of them don't travel around so its less time consuming and less stressful. Which means the evenings and most weekends will not be tied up which is the way it should be. I told him this morning before he left that I was going to quit my job and he agreed that it was in the best interest for both of us which is true. I told him that I was sorry and that I had no excuse for ignoring and treating him like that and this was completely my fault for the way things are between us. I asked him why he didn't say anything to me sooner and he said that he did and that I just wasn't listening and the other night just put him over the edge. I honestly don't remember him saying anything to me about it. He did accept my apology (thankfully) and said that he's still mad at me and told me that I had no business treating him like that and either things around here changed or he would make the change and I wouldn't like it. He also said that he doesn't like the fact that he feels like I don't want to be with him and that all I do is think about myself. I told him that he was completely wrong about that and he asked me if I truly meant what I said, then why did he feel like that. He was pretty much like "thats what I thought" and said he'd see me later and left for work. So needless to say I f***ed up. Just glad he still wants to hang around even though I'm sure some of you think he shouldn't.
norajane Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I think you did a great thing, not only for your H and for your marriage, but also for YOURSELF. This job was hard on you, and it was already taking a lot out of you. It would only get worse with time. It's really, really easy to get caught up in demanding jobs like that, so don't beat yourself up too much. Especially if they pay well and you get other rewards - like getting satisfaction out of helping others and solving their problems. It can be a real adrenaline rush. Be glad that your husband snapped and forced you to take a look at what was going on before it was already too late for the two of you to reconnect and get back on track. Maybe you can help him feel better now by thanking him for opening your eyes to what your lives were becoming. I'm sure you'll be able to get past this and be stronger for it...you both know that your marriage is the most important thing.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 All of us only have so much time. In a day. In our life. We don't get one second more. When our time is up it's up. No matter how much money you have you can't buy one more second in your life. Time is the one absolute thing you can never get back, never replace. So don't waste it. How you choose to spend your time is your most important decision. And it all comes down to you deciding what is most important for you. Someone once said live your life like you will die tomorrow, but plan your business like you will live a thousand years. I pointed this on another thread. I'm not a huge fan of Steve Jobs, but I think his story really hits the point. You have to do what you love to do. If your relationship isn't that important then go for the job. If your relationship matters more then do what is best for your relationship. And only you can make that call. 'You've got to find what you love,' http://news-service.stanford.edu/news/2005/june15/jobs-061505.html
Author IpAncA Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 I think you did a great thing, not only for your H and for your marriage, but also for YOURSELF. This job was hard on you, and it was already taking a lot out of you. It would only get worse with time. Be glad that your husband snapped and forced you to take a look at what was going on before it was already too late for the two of you to reconnect and get back on track. Maybe you can help him feel better now by thanking him for opening your eyes to what your lives were becoming. I'm sure you'll be able to get past this and be stronger for it...you both know that your marriage is the most important thing. Thanks. Yeah the job is nuts. If I wasn't married then I could do it and I would have no trouble. Ugh if you can believe this, him being mad at me kind of made me want him more. Werid I know.
Author IpAncA Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 All of us only have so much time. In a day. In our life. We don't get one second more. When our time is up it's up. No matter how much money you have you can't buy one more second in your life. Time is the one absolute thing you can never get back, never replace. So don't waste it. How you choose to spend your time is your most important decision. And it all comes down to you deciding what is most important for you. Good point. Yeah I've wasted a lot of time in which I can never get back.
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