PoshPrincess Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 because how many fairy tales start with "Once upon a time, there was a married man......" Don't know why I am laughing but I suppose if I don't, I might cry. Last week was a complete disaster. After me and my MM going NC, then getting in touch again, I telephoned him last week on his birthday. Yeah, I know, I was going to be strong and not contact him but couldn't do it. Turns out he was at work that night. I had some tickets that I bought him for Xmas last year and he asked when he was going to get them so I suggested dropping them at his office that night. I had been to see my counsellor before and had to knock back a couple of glasses of wine for dutch courage before seeing MM. To cut a long story short, what with wine and anti-ds (oh, and a few puffs of a spliff!) I ended up collapsing on him. V embarrassing! He had to drive me home where my Mum was babysitting and explain to her what had happened (leaving out the drugs and alcohol - she wouldn't take too kindly to me mixing those with the anti-ds!) Before I collapsed we were getting on like a house on fire (as friends) so I should've got out while the going was good and made my way home, but I just couldn't leave......he looked so gorgeous...... Anyway, he was SO concerned. He sent a cab for my Mum to pick my car up and then he phoned after midnight before he went home to check that I was ok. Apparently I started shaking which freaked him out big time. (I had an epileptic fit years ago in my teens which he knew about!) He seriously thought I was going to die on him. The next day he texted to say he hadn't slept a wink all night worrying about me and then called me twice that day which cheeered me up a bit. The following day a big depression had hit me. I needed him SO badly. Ended up crying down the phone being a total idiot. I have turned out not to be the independant, confident woman he fell in love with I suppose. It was then that he admitted he wasn't going to leave and that we should go NC as I shouldn't keep 'doing this to myself'. His reason for not leaving (he says) is his daughter. She was his reason before but that was because she was having all sorts of problems and he had to be there for her. He couldn't leave her while she was in such a fragile state. Now she is cool but because of that he doesn't want to rock the boat. He says that because he isn't sneaking around, lying to everyone, etc, (we haven't seen each other since April) she is more confident and he doesn't want that to change. He can't risk her going back to how he was and says 'that is the sacrifice he has to make'. Loves me, misses me but this is the way it has to be. I said that I would like to stay friends but he told me that wouldn't be fair on me as everytime we speak/see each other it messes my head up. Anyway, my idea of friends is different to his. Can't see him even taking the chance and meeting me for a drink as he is SO scared of the repercussions. I told him that I am sure his daughter (she's in her mid-teens) would want him to be happy (I was in her position with my parents) but because she doesn't know his feelings for me and sees that him and W are no longer shouting and screaming (has gone from that to indifference apparently) at each other, to her that means everything's ok. So, that's it. All over. Finito, etc........ Don't know that I am after any advice. I know what I have to do. Not much I can do. Just letting off steam and giving an end to my story. Maybe this will make things more final in my head so good therapy in one way or another! This is the story my friend wrote for her degreee about me and MM. A modern day fairy tale! [FONT=Arial]The Affair[/FONT] [FONT=Arial] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]Once upon a time, there was a beautiful woman who came in the pub every evening after finishing work. The heads of many, both men and women did swivel as she entered the pub and settled in for the night. Offers of companionship, had been plentiful but all she had declined. For her heart belonged to that of another man. A man who's heart was already tied to another bound not by love but by devotion to his children. She knew from the moment they laid eyes on each other, when cupid let go of his bow, that they were meant to be together. True soul mates, her Adam, her Anthony, her Romeo.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]Six fifteen[/FONT][FONT=Arial], her prince Charming would charge through the pub doors, his heart longing only for hers. Frenzied, his eyes would search the smoke hazed bar until falling upon his Juliet, his princess. In his Mercedes fleece jumper, he crossed the pub and sat down beside her. For a precious hour, they would talk of the future, their wedding day and prospective children before departing, returning to normality.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]One dark winter’s night, the prince's wicked wife found her husband snoring on their bed clutching his mobile phone. Slippery as a serpent, she peeled back his fingers releasing his phone, the keeper of his secret love affair. She stabbed at the buttons, frantic for answers to her husband’s submissive behaviour. The mystery unravelled; the explicit text messages flicking up onto the screen. Crying, sobbing hard, she screamed waking her husband from his slumber.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]'How could you do this to us?'[/FONT] [FONT=Arial] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]Bleary eyed and startled, he tells her it meant nothing. That she was the only one.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]The faces of his children now peer round the door frame, bleating like sheep lost on the misty moors. ‘[Kids names] you know I love both of you and your mother. I could never leave you.' The warmth from their eyes that they once had felt when looking at their father drained onto their cheeks. 'How could you do this, Dad?[/FONT] [FONT=Arial]Those words cut his heart deep.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial] [/FONT] [FONT=Arial]Six fifteen[/FONT][FONT=Arial], her prince Charming charged through the pub doors, his heart longing only for hers. Frenzied, his eyes searched the smoke hazed bar until falling upon his Juliet, his princess. In his Mercedes fleece jumper, he crossed the pub and sat down beside her. For a precious hour, their last hour, they talked of their forbidden love that had grown inside them, flourished like a flower in summer. But now it was winter and the petals they had fallen, as the tears from their eyes; yet the flower, it did not die, it lay hiding beneath the soil for one day it would blossom once more.[/FONT][FONT=Old English Text MT] [/FONT] Not all true but based on my story. In fact, it's the first time I have read it for a LONG time. Just thought I would share it with you. Wish I was that good with words. (A couple of private jokes in there that will mean nothing to you guys but you will get the gist!)
sapphire0903 Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Posh, Girl, I am sorry to hear how much you are hurting!! I can relate to your pain, and I wish I had some magic words to make you feel better! You will feel better though .......with time. Do Not be down on yourself, and each time he pops in your mind, try to think of something or someone else!!! For instance in my case, I just remember for the past year, talking about him to my friends............I did not smile anymore...........before that I did, when his wife was not part of the equation, but when she did, it made me sad,..........the whole situation I did not want to be in, the love I was inevitably going to lose, .........just sad. So instead of thinking of the situation that is going on, crying, and making yourself sad, know you have NO control over anyone but yourself, he has made a decision, and even though it is not the decision you would have wanted,.......it all happens for a reason, and you have to respect the mans wishes. You will be fine............You did fine before he came along,........find what lessons you have learned in this relationship, and carry them with you. Keep your head up Posh!! (( HUGS! ))
lovernotafighter Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 my MM basically did the same thing yours did..but my MM doesn't seem to get what he has said..I have a feeling yours will do the same. mine acts like everything is fine, lets have lunch, come work with me saturday..he waited for me to come in yesterday.. mine said he didn't even know about being close friends..but thing is you can't go backwards,I know I can't. I know him letting you down is easier than the other way around,I've had a much better time trying to let him go then when I would call NC. so hopefully he gave you exactly what you need to move on from this..you will and I'm sure you'll be thankful.
NoIDidn't Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Posh, I am so sorry for your pain. I am not an OW, so my words may come off as harsh - I apologize in advance. You need to buy a good book on the lines that a MM uses to get out of an A. He used just about all of them on you. Instead of being sad, you should be infuriated. He used you, and then used his daughter to get away from you. Shame on him. I honestly don't think that he was as concerned about you as you may think when you started to pass out. His words say so. He said that since he wasn't lying to everyone and sneaking around that he was a better father to his daughter and that she was better as a result. How would he explain to his W and daughter that he was with you when you had a medical emergency at his job (when he was supposed to be working)? I am glad to see you are in counselling and that your Mum can help you with childcare occasionally. Take some time off and time away from thinking about the A. If you (or anyone else) is upset with me, I hope you use the anger to see him and the A for what it was to him. I am sorry to see that you are hurting so bad. Sometimes even the fairy tales don't end the way we hoped.
broken wings Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Posh...so sorry to hear about your recent events with MM. They may be the last so just look forward to slowly losing the stress and moving on. Reading your posts have been honestly really good for me. I am where you were months ago and seeing the final results is just a major inspiration to walk away from a bleak outcome. I am truly sorry for what happened but your post today really hit home and reading back to your prior posts it is almost a mirror of me. I think we all want to believe and hold on and trust these guys but meanwhile all we are their shrinks while they work it out. Get a psychology degree posh because you and I and tons of other women have enough sense now to make a living out of the sh#t we endured.
everlong Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 come on be fair and balanced...'endured'? of course its gonna be nutsville - look at the type of situation you place yourself in..the stress levels are way higher than a normal relationship i found an excellent article on this stuff and posted it earlier i don't think people recognize that everything gets elevated in these types off things why do you think when people go from boring ol groceries and lawnmovers, 2 kids and a dawg, to doing something dangerous, immoral, involves many people - the level of emotion attached rises too...its not that your mooooooooooore in love etc. EVERYTHING GETS ELEVATED and if its yer first time - well.... this would be a really good time to read up on this stuff not saying your love is not grand - but its just in line with where u are i'll take those little butterflies in the stomach and the fireworks from a normal old fashioned deal any day so please rest, relax the mind, take a soak in a hot tub...and decompress because the flight is no landing and you'll need your strenth good luck
once removed Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 I'm sorry for you loss, /hugs!!!! I feel for you but in the end know there are no accidents. Don't think of it as loosing, think of it as god cleaning house to make room for new possibilities. You deserve better why not take the bull by the horns and go find better. Why be with someone that makes you feel bad about yourself. /hugs and support from the not house I tiptoed on insanity but I'm back stronger than ever.
broken wings Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Everlong...nice little mellow advice to posh and I...sounds like advice a grouchy old lady would give. I wasn't looking for a thrill when I met a MM..get that enough at work where my job is known as one of the top three most dangerous jobs but after I mow the lawn and go grocery shopping. I still need a fix..I didnt't walk into a bar looking for a MM or go to the eharmony looking for one either. People meet and seriously hit it off and if the timing and circumstances are not right well one of them was just bored with the humdrum of daily life so they cheat? ok..now we all feel better right? my bath is almost ready now let me forget these past two years ever happened.
stillhere Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Everlong...nice little mellow advice to posh and I...sounds like advice a grouchy old lady would give. I wasn't looking for a thrill when I met a MM..get that enough at work where my job is known as one of the top three most dangerous jobs but after I mow the lawn and go grocery shopping. I still need a fix..I didnt't walk into a bar looking for a MM or go to the eharmony looking for one either. People meet and seriously hit it off and if the timing and circumstances are not right well one of them was just bored with the humdrum of daily life so they cheat? ok..now we all feel better right? my bath is almost ready now let me forget these past two years ever happened. I'm glad you said it, cuz i was seriously thinking it!!! Maybe everlong doesn't mean to make it sound this way, but i take her posts as an "i'm better than you because i would never stoop to such low levels and i just wanted to rub your face in it" attitude. We are living, breathing, loving human beings and we ended up falling in love, yes love , with someone who is married. It's unfortunate, but some of these men actually love us as well. We are not just a piece of *ss to them! They share their lives, their ups and downs, their everything with us. Granted, we don't have all of them, but we have (or had) the best part of them. Of course it's hard as h*ll for us to let go of someone we love. We just lost (or possibly will lose) a huge piece of our hearts. Please stop talking to us like we are the scum of the earth, because i don't want to hear it, and i'm obviously not the only one. Go preach your self righteousness elsewhere if that is indeed what you are doing. You're not helping, just adding fuel to the fire.
Author PoshPrincess Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 Thanks everyone for your advice - kind and harsh. Sometimes 'harsh' is what we need to hear. Am v grateful for the moral support from those of you sticking up for me getting bashed though. No, a lecture is definitely not what we are after in this situation but maybe sometimes we need to see the bigger picture. Maybe my MM didn't care for me as much as I thought, maybe he WAS making excuses, but at the moment I still believe he truly loved me and still cares for me - obviously not enough - but I can never expect to compete with a 15 year old girl and I wouldn't even try. My son is the most important person in my life so why should it be any different for my MM. Worse for him because he would be 'walking away' (as he sees it) from his kids. When I left my partner my son came with me. Maybe in time I will see things differently and will hate my MM for putting me through this. Who knows? At the moment, although I can't really understand his decision (how could anyone decide to spend the rest of their life with a partner they are unhappy with?) I do respect it. Then again, maybe he is not as unhappy with his W as he makes out. I guess I will never know.......
Baileykeg Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Everlong - you sound like a bitter, judgmental person. I pitty you for that. Like everyone has said here it's not like we intentionally woke up one day and said "hey I think I'll get involved with a MM because it will be fun to feel like I've shredded my heart in a blender". You obviously don't belong on this forum if you feel your only place in it is to judge other people as less than yourself! Posh - I hope you are doing ok. I know it is difficult to see the light right now and feel like things really do happen for a reason when the things that happen hurt so much. Like you've told me, take it one day at a time and you'll get to where you need to be. Hugs.
Freedom Now Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Maybe I am just tired today, but I don't see anything inflammatory about everlong's post....
Baileykeg Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Sorry everyone...I should have posted my rant about Everlong on my own Thread since it seems my ill feelings really stem from E's post there to me.
stillhere Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 I have carried resentment over from other threads as well. But i agree with bailey. They are only words, so you add your own tone to them. I detect an arrogant aire, but that is my opinion.
Guest Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 because how many fairy tales start with "Once upon a time, there was a married man......" he is scared he is hurting you,plus he is afraid you make KING A BIG SCENE FOR HIS WIFE and ruining his comfortable nest. My did run away as fast as he could.But now he is back , but made me promise I wouldn't hurt myself or tell anybody.They are just chicken. Now I would suggest you should move on and he will probably contact you again. Then it will be up to you to say yes or no. I said no to his crazy conditions because I am not yet ready to move on.Don't suffer any longer.Ask your mom to babysit and go have fun with friends. wish you all the best.
ConfusedLover Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Hi Posh, My heart goes out to you. Being in a comfortable M, I can understand why MMs do not want to leave...Being in love with MM, I can understand how heartbreaking it is to let go. I have decided to let go but it does not mean I have already let go. I am not waiting for him to call me, but I cant help thinking about him...This is a long process and till you are able to let go, the heartache is inevitable. May be the only way to end it is to stop loving him...how do we stop love... Have you heard of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)? Try it...it helps.
Author PoshPrincess Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 he is scared he is hurting you, It's good now, I think I am getting to the angry stage as I am not sure that he IS scared of hurting me. Starting to feel now like he just didn't have the bottle to be honest with me and has been trying to let me down gently. plus he is afraid you make KING A BIG SCENE FOR HIS WIFE and ruining his comfortable nest. My did run away as fast as he could.But now he is back , but made me promise I wouldn't hurt myself or tell anybody.They are just chicken. Totally true and, at the end of the day, who wants a man with no balls! Now I would suggest you should move on and he will probably contact you again. Then it will be up to you to say yes or no. I said no to his crazy conditions because I am not yet ready to move on.Don't suffer any longer.Ask your mom to babysit and go have fun with friends. wish you all the best. I am trying very hard to move on and have fun. As I say, I think I am now getting angry which is good. I was laying all the blame on myself for getting involved with him in the first place knowing he was married when I know deep down that he is also to blame. The one thing I can't get out of my head at the moment is that he had an A once before some years ago (his W also had one although I don't know whose was first - is that relevant? Tit for tat and all that!) but that was purely a PA (so he says), whereas ours was more of an EA. I keep thinking, how comes he had no morals and a conscience when he was seeing her but with me he physically couldn't have sex with me! He told me it was guilt, he had too much respect for me, our relationship wasn't about sex, blah blah blah! I feel like don't know anything anymore. I have had some willpower though. I texted him a week ago and he didn't reply so now I've just thought "b***cks to him!" This weekend he is taking his son to a gig that I bought him tickets for last Xmas so I know I will be thinking of him and will be SO tempted to text and wish him a nice time. I have so gotta be strong!!!!!
Author PoshPrincess Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 Hi Posh, My heart goes out to you. Being in a comfortable M, I can understand why MMs do not want to leave...Being in love with MM, I can understand how heartbreaking it is to let go. I have decided to let go but it does not mean I have already let go. I am not waiting for him to call me, but I cant help thinking about him...This is a long process and till you are able to let go, the heartache is inevitable. May be the only way to end it is to stop loving him...how do we stop love... Have you heard of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)? Try it...it helps. Thanks Confused. I'm sure I will get there eventually but it's SO hard at the moment. I miss him and think about him every minute of the day. Fortunately, as he is pretty predictable, I know the places I shouldn't go so that I can avoid him, although dangerous if I have a weak moment and WANT to see him. Have too much pride to chase him though which is something. Wish he would call just so I can ignore him. How stupid is that? No, haven't heard of EFT. Will look it up on the net! Am prepared to try anything. Focusing on giving up smoking at the moment. Just figured it would give me control of SOMETHING in my life!
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