IpAncA Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 I haven't read anyone else posts on this so hopefully I'm reading this right. Sounds like she has a family history of people drinking to much. If she has witnessed any of it and it's possible that she did and still is, then if might of had an effect on her and she doesn't want to go thru what ever she did again. But if you have cut down and such then it shouldn't be a problem. Would she back off completely on the drinking if you just stopped? I don't know what to say on why she doesn't go to your side of the family events. I don't go to my H's if I don't have to because I don't like them and their annoying. But hey thats just me.
Romeo Must Die Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Sorry Im paraphrasing and maybe I'm not perfectly accurate but I get pretty close. You make comments to brush everything off and downplay everything, and not just with me 'dude'. nothing seems to accurately define you, does it sumdude? If it's not a problem, then why can't you stop drinking? (enter excuse here.) Personal note, I lost a son. He was seventeen and he died in a car accident. I couldnt go out and get buzzed because I was pregnant when he died and I handled it. The difference between us is I dont use his death as a defense. I selfishly keep it all to myself. Peace.
Author sumdude Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 Sorry Im paraphrasing and maybe I'm not perfectly accurate but I get pretty close. You make comments to brush everything off and downplay everything, and not just with me 'dude'. nothing seems to accurately define you, does it sumdude? If it's not a problem, then why can't you stop drinking? (enter excuse here.) Personal note, I lost a son. He was seventeen and he died in a car accident. I couldnt go out and get buzzed because I was pregnant when he died and I handled it. The difference between us is I dont use his death as a defense. I selfishly keep it all to myself. Peace. I'm sorry to hear about your son. Was alcohol involved in the accident at all? You are entitled to your opinions. How anyone can be accuratle defined in a few posts on an anonymous webbord anyway? I choose to want the freedom to have a drink because I enjoy it. I never said it was OK to drink as much as I was drinking before. I realized the second I decided to mention my drinking that I would be quickly and harshly judged. There are so many connotations with drinking too much, 'alcoholic' 'abuser'. The picture of the drunk husband beating his wife and every other evil imaginable. Some folks have an almost religious zeal about it. I would simply come home and have some drinks while at home watching TV or whatever else I was doing. That's about it. I'll work this one out with my wife as well as the other issues we may have. This board and others like it exist so someone like can blow off steam and rant for a bit. It's a healthy outlet.
Romeo Must Die Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 To clarify, no it wasnt alcolhol related. He lost control, went into the embankment and hit a tree. Our country roads are unforgiving. There are no guard rails except on county highways. Nah, I am hardly the religious type. Marriage is based on our religious beliefs, but it's up to us to take care of the relationship we're given.
Guest Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 This is not at all about her 'controlling' you. The very fact that you are so angry about her wanting to separate you from your beloved booze shows that you do indeed have a problem, that she's figured that out, and that she's hoping to head it off at the pass. Unfortunately, you're already so hooked that you've decided that she's 'controlling' and 'changing everything' because she prefers not to hang with you drinking a lot or with drinkers. Well guess what. If my spouse asked me not to drink, I'd not be mad. AT ALL. Because I don't need/want/love it so much that I feel deprived without it. Anything you're so dependent on that you feel bereft without is something that's bad for you. I think you best stop blaming your wife for 'changing' and start facing the fact that she definitely has cause for worry. There was a VERY long thread on here a while ago from someone who asked if she was drinking too much and who then got extremely defensive when people suggested that it might be the case. The sign that you're in trouble with booze is how upset you get when people suggest you stop.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I see it with both genders........ M seems to give a lic. not to give a crap or something. Lic. to ignore, neglect, and just be an ass. Perhaps not getting married is the right thing to do. At least then a partner knows they don't have that "youre stuck with me no matter what attitude" I told my wife that when we were going together. I had two prior relationships that I wanted to last forever and the didn't. So I was real leery of "commitment" - as I saw that as the cause of relationship failure - take each other for granted - the lic. to neglect.. but we got married anyway...
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 No. They do it because the guys let them do it. Sounds like the OP needs to be more assertive and quit allowing his wife to 'call all the shots' in his marriage. In order to to that you have to be willing to lose the woman.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 Nobody has the right to try seperate somebody from their friends. I have friends that do drugs and have police records but they were there for me when I had nobody else to go to and I will always be loyal to them. Any woman in my life better understand that. Friends that do drugs? Nope sorry man, not acceptable. What kind of decent woman would put up with that kind of risk? Guys with records? Nope... my wife having "friedns" like that would be a deal breaker. Gang bangers, murders, rapists, theives... nope not in my world.
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 ....I think I'm a pretty stand up guy. Most alcoholics do. I just happen to enjoy my Bourbon when I'm relaxing. I just kinda lost track of it dealing with my mom's illness and death. I know that's tough but drowning it in booze won't help. If you can't go without a drink, on your own, then get to AA. I enjoy a beer with dinner, but I don't have to have one. If giving up drinking is a big deal you may have a problem. Can you go without a drink for a whole month?
Woggle Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 Friends that do drugs? Nope sorry man, not acceptable. What kind of decent woman would put up with that kind of risk? Guys with records? Nope... my wife having "friedns" like that would be a deal breaker. Gang bangers, murders, rapists, theives... nope not in my world. Well that is your world and this is my world. I always remember good deeds and I am always loyal to those who have looked out for me and any woman I am with has to respect that.
a4a Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 Well that is your world and this is my world. I always remember good deeds and I am always loyal to those who have looked out for me and any woman I am with has to respect that. well when or if your thug friends start hanging at your house with stash or guns on them I think your wife has the right to disrespect the friendship with your buddies - if they are threatening your home, assests, or marriage.
Woggle Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 well when or if your thug friends start hanging at your house with stash or guns on them I think your wife has the right to disrespect the friendship with your buddies - if they are threatening your home, assests, or marriage. They know not to bring that stuff around me but I still go and visit them and as long as they respect my home they can visit me. Most of them are getting their acts together anyway. My friends who looked out for me after i left home are like my family and they will come first always if any woman makes me choose.
mental_traveller Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 Why do women change the rules? Because they can get away with it - there is no incentive for them not to. As for some of the other replies - Americans and women are notoriously frigid about drinking. This is after all the country that introduced prohibition. What is a social amount in most western countries is viewed as borderline alcoholism by clueless teetotallers. Your wife is way out of line and there is no excuse for not allowing you even 1-2 glasses of wine - that is absolutely ridiculous. In Europe, especially places like Italy or Ireland, it would be considered abnormal to drink *so little*. You need to tell her to quit complaining, so long as you don't go overboard and actually get plastered on a regular basis. If she refuses to tolerate even reasonable drinking and socialising, then you'll simply have to mention the D word. That will scare the crap out of her, and hopefully shut her up.
Mirage222 Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 Please don't think that MEN are not like this as well... because they certainlty are. women always get the shoot down but men turn crappy too!
amaysngrace Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 Please don't think that MEN are not like this as well... because they certainlty are. women always get the shoot down but men turn crappy too! Yes, I agree. My exH lost all his manners over time. When we dated he was polite and then next thing you know, he's become some slob who can't even bother to get a glass out of the cabinet to get a drink of milk... I will never marry again. I like having a BF too much.
rble618740 Posted October 25, 2006 Posted October 25, 2006 The OP made reference to slaying imaginary dragons. It appears they exist on both sides - what if allowing her to exert control over his drinking leads to her exerting control over everything AND what if his losing track of the level of his drinking becomes a pattern and is not just a one-time issue after the passing of his mother? My humble suggestion - you take steps to listen to her input about your drinking and assure her that you will be cognizant of your level of drinking and use good judgment w/ regard to risky drinking behavior (i.e. you won't drink and drive, you would slack off on your duties as a future parent because of drinking, etc.). Let her know that, if you go back on your agreement to keep an eye on your own drinking, you will let her have more say so about your drinking and will do so without argument. Then tell her about your fears re: her need for control - ask her to acknowledge that she can only really control herself, not you. See if she'll agree that, if she begins to try to exert too much control over you, she will relinquish some of her "say so" in your actions. Moderation is the key. In marriage each is accountable to the other but not under the control of the other. She can't control your drinking, you can't control her bossiness.
Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 It's not about 'control'. It's about a man who cannot stand the idea of doing without booze. He calls it a control issue to make it about her. Fact is, the guy's hooked on booze but doesn't want to be the bad guy so he makes her out to be the villain in this piece. I see divorce down the road.
harvester76 Posted October 28, 2006 Posted October 28, 2006 Yes, as was mentioned, we all change. You might as well get used to it that your wife does not want sex. I'm not sure why all the marriage books and counselors pretend that if the male unit would just do things right the female would want sex. She won't. You have to take matters into your own hands, so to speak. Women get bored with sex. They marry you. You give them children. You give them security. You give them a relationship. You give them someone to talk to. You are not going to get what you want from them. Go ahead, try the flowers, the walks, the personal time where she can talk about anything she wants to talk to, do the little favors around the house, give her a back massage. Go ahead. Any change is temporal. In the long run, the guy is on his own. Women will deny this. However they will admit that there is a change in desire but we need to still pursue them. And by the way why are we so shallow that we need sex all the time? Men! We should be more concerned about the important things. Yeah, that's the future. No sex. This is my second marriage, my first wife died. It's deja vu. I have read the books, attended the seminars, done the flowers, talking, massage, etc. I take a minimum of an hour for foreplay. I always try to meet her physical needs. She had a great time, just doesn't necessarily want it to happen too often. Once a week is kind of a lot, isn't it??? Any improvement is temporary at best. There is always an excuse. They're too tired, etc. I am away from the house 15 hours a day for work, 5 days a week. How would she like it if I came home and was too tired to talk. It just didn't fit my hormonal schedule and I'm not in the mooooood. Males would be called evil for that. Let's not pretend that things are going to change in the future. Let's not pretend that we're going to be able to do anything to improve it. Get some pictures and go to it. If you are going to maintain sanity then you better figure out what you're going to do because she won't be there to help long term.
vanButterfly Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 Pink Tulip is so right. This is exactly how I felt when my partner would go out with his friends, not want me to come, and get drunk. I was scared that he would do something that would put our relationship on the line. What did we do? We separated because it was all too much and every time he went out I was stressed and worried and also because he could never tell me what time he would be home. I couldnt handle it. Now we are together and he has toned down his drinking with his friends and invites me out with him. I dont have a fear that he will cheat on me. I dont have a fear that he will be drunk out on the street. When he drinks he doesnt lose control so I feel that he wouldnt do anything that would impact our relationship. Find out what she is scared of. I tried to control my partner as well because I was scared that I would have to deal with some bad news or bad behaviour. She is not playing a game. She loves you but shows it in a way that you read that she is trying to control you. She has to get to a point where she feels safe in the relationship. It's not the drink that she is worried about - it's where you do it, and your behaviour, and how it can impact the relationship. You hold this against her, but you have a good woman by your side that loves and cares for you. Do you prefer someone that didnt care and let you be drunk and do whatever you liked? If so - try it - and then come back and tell us all what you prefer. Do you want a woman that gets drunk and also looks after your children? Is it acceptable if she did what you did? My partner freaked out when I suggested that I act like he did to try make him understand where i was coming from. He told me: "don't be stupid". Well....he saw himself.
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