Why Women Change the Rules After Marriage?

[Woggle]

Woggle. I agree with you completely. But by the time I spoke with LR she was completely gone off the deep end. The rumor wasnt news to her. She took her **** out on me and right now she is unpredictable and she's attacking everyone who goes near her. myself included.

 

 

That is different but when I left home at a young age I stayed with some people that were into some very wild things but they were good people. I have calmed down drastically from those days and many of my old friends have not but if they ever need me all they have to do is call and I am there. Once in a while I still go back to New York to hang with them and raise some hell.

[sumdude]

Have you tried to discuss this with her in a non-defensive, non-aggressive way?

 

Like, "sweetheart, I want to thank you for all your support after my mother died. I am grateful that you noticed my drinking was getting out of control and for helping me get a handle on that before it turned into a problem. I'm in a much better place now and I'd like for you to be able to relax and understand that I am back to my usual self when it comes to drinking so you don't feel you have to keep watch over me. How can I help you relax?"

 

I'm not really the aggressive type. I'm blowing off steam here so my posts are edgy.

 

I have approached things this way.

 

To me it seems like a control issue. Basically I'm not 'allowed' to drink any other day but Saturday. Even 1 - 2 glasses of wine are out of bounds. She tells me she wants to be shure I'm in control not alcohol and I percieve it as she needs to know she is in control of me. I feel like everything I do is measured, counted with no hope of pleasing her short of doing EXACTLY what she wants.

[Pink_Tulip]

This is a control issue, but it is coming from great fear on her part. And I think that is what you are missing. I get that you have sat down and told her how YOU feel, but have you ever sat down and openly listened to what your drinking did to HER? Maybe she saw her own family, or another, torn apart by alcohol, or something equally traumatizing, and your drinking triggered an over reactive fear response in her.

 

I really think you need to step back and see this for what it is. She is being controlling b/c she loves you and her family so much, she is scared that alcohol is going to somehow take that away from her. I will be the first to say that she is handling it the wrong way, but it is the only way she knows how. Being defiant, angry, and resentful is only going to make her MORE controlling, b/c she will feel even more that she is losing you.

 

In this case, communication is the key. But most importantly, you have to HEAR her, and make sure you know that she really feels heard. Once that happens, she will feel more secure and lighten up.

[Moose]

To me it seems like a control issue.

Of course it does. But that's not the case. She just literally cares about your health. Her approach of course is a little off, but don't curse her for that. You need to commend her for caring.

Basically I'm not 'allowed' to drink any other day but Saturday. Even 1 - 2 glasses of wine are out of bounds.

That's not for her to decide. You're a grown man capable of making your own decision. You just have to make her understand this.......even if it means getting into an arguement. Take away her bon bons and chocolate if you have to.

She tells me she wants to be shure I'm in control not alcohol and I percieve it as she needs to know she is in control of me.

As you should. Only you can be sure of what you're in control of. She can't make that distinction for you. Another point that you'll have to make her aware of.

I feel like everything I do is measured, counted with no hope of pleasing her short of doing EXACTLY what she wants.

If you feel this way then why bother trying? Is that how you feel?

 

Your just going to have to remind her that you're a grown up now.....you even cut your own meat at the dinner table.....although you appreciate her concerns for your health, it's best if she doesn't tell a grown man what to do.....

[Guest]

THis is why a prenup is a must for any man tying the knot. Getting married without a prenup is like driving withour insurance.

 

Or any woman for that matter! It's not like men are the only people making money or with possessions anymore.

[sumdude]

This is a control issue, but it is coming from great fear on her part. And I think that is what you are missing. I get that you have sat down and told her how YOU feel, but have you ever sat down and openly listened to what your drinking did to HER? Maybe she saw her own family, or another, torn apart by alcohol, or something equally traumatizing, and your drinking triggered an over reactive fear response in her.

 

I really think you need to step back and see this for what it is. She is being controlling b/c she loves you and her family so much, she is scared that alcohol is going to somehow take that away from her. I will be the first to say that she is handling it the wrong way, but it is the only way she knows how. Being defiant, angry, and resentful is only going to make her MORE controlling, b/c she will feel even more that she is losing you.

 

In this case, communication is the key. But most importantly, you have to HEAR her, and make sure you know that she really feels heard. Once that happens, she will feel more secure and lighten up.

 

I know that some of this is true. Her father has been drinking wayyy too much the last few years. During the day, in the car etc. There is also history on her mother's side of some pretty bad alcohol related problems. We've had a bunch of conversations about it. Apparently my siter in law had something come up involving my brother as well which I never hear about and get all of this second hand.

 

She'll even admit that she could be 'projecting' but the only way to allay her fears appears to be doing exactly as she wants.

 

 

I am a bit defiant because I wonder where does the line stop? IF I allow myself to be controlled now what's next? When does it evolve to no drinking allowed at all? No this, no that?

[Romeo Must Die]

Now I'm supposed to be some teatotaling, tiddly wink playing, crumpet eating wanker whose wife has him by the balls?

 

I think she loves you and is concerned for you.

 

It's like this is just an excuse to go out and have a drink.

 

sumdude, you say you'd never cheat, but you talk like one. Maybe, one of these days, you'll be at the bar having your wine or two, and you'll be cocking off to your friends about something to do with your wife. You are wearing your heart on a sleeve. You wont have to go far from your bar stool to find trouble, because trouble will easily find you, Mr. Vulnerable. Youre not secure in yourself for other reasons. a secure guy wouldnt have any doubts about his woman, he would own her heart and soul.

 

[Pink_Tulip]

See, this is such an issue in marriages. Why does everything have to be seen as someone trying to control you? It isn't about control. It is about FEAR. Please don't let it be an issue in yours. Please try to see the love your wife has for you, however misguided her behavior it is.

 

If you meet her fear with defiance, she will see it as you pushing her away. If she already has a fear of losing you, do you see how this will make it 100x worse? Don't push her away and demean her for her fears, that will make her trust you less. It will hurt her and cause her to pull back emotionally to protect herself from the future she sees- you leaving. Is that what you want? You have an amazing opportunity here to show her how much you love her by embracing her, and hearing her fears, rather than 'being the man' and 'taking control.' She does not want to control you. She wants to protect her marriage, and this is the only way she knows how to do it. Why don't you start asking yourself, what am I doing to make her so fearful? What can I do to show her I value the marriage as much as she does? You know the old saying, you can't control other people, you can only control yourself. When she sees you step up and be the leader of your family, strong, loving, not allowing anything to damage it, it will make your marriage stronger, and will make her love and admire you more. Or you can get into a pissing match over who has more power in the relationship, and it will all go downhill from there.

 

I am not endorsing her behavior, and I am not saying it is fair to you. I am just asking that you see her as a human being, flaws and all. She is scared. You are her husband, the man she looks up to for protection. How are you going to protect her now? She needs you.

[honeybunch2k5]

I see it with both genders........ M seems to give a lic. not to give a crap or something. Lic. to ignore, neglect, and just be an ass.

 

Perhaps not getting married is the right thing to do. At least then a partner knows they don't have that "youre stuck with me no matter what attitude"

 

May'be she's trying to "fix" and improve you. Then again, if you're gonna turn someone into a project, why marry them in the first place?

 

Yep. She's hooked you now. You're hers, and until death do y'all part!

Men change in relationships,too, and not always for the better...

[sumdude]

I think she loves you and is concerned for you.

 

It's like this is just an excuse to go out and have a drink.

 

sumdude, you say you'd never cheat, but you talk like one. Maybe, one of these days, you'll be at the bar having your wine or two, and you'll be cocking off to your friends about something to do with your wife. You are wearing your heart on a sleeve. You wont have to go far from your bar stool to find trouble, because trouble will easily find you, Mr. Vulnerable. Youre not secure in yourself for other reasons. a secure guy wouldnt have any doubts about his woman, he would own her heart and soul.

 

 

I love my wife and realize this is a) because she cares b) because she's afraid of something.

 

How does one 'talk like a cheat' or should I say 'type like a cheat'? Because it feels emasculating to have my wife tell me when and where I'm allowed to do something like some child? Suddenly I'm a philanderer because my wife and I are having some control issues and I'm here venting to get more ideas?

 

I don't go out drinking to bars. I generally do my drinking right at home. My wife didn't seem to mind until the last few months.

Apparetly I've been cast in some role here I didn't know about.

[norajane]

sumdude, you have to be the strong man she married and tell her gently, but firmly, that you are not a child that needs protection from yourself. That, in fact, you want to take care of her since she's going through all those issues with her father's drinking, etc. That you hope she sees the difference between you and her father, between you and her brother, and that you will not allow her fears about their alcohol-related issues destroy the partnership relationship the two of you have and that you signed up for when you married.

 

Then show her that you are fully capable of controlling your drinking and being the man she married.

[sumdude]

sumdude, you have to be the strong man she married and tell her gently, but firmly, that you are not a child that needs protection from yourself. That, in fact, you want to take care of her since she's going through all those issues with her father's drinking, etc. That you hope she sees the difference between you and her father, between you and her brother, and that you will not allow her fears about their alcohol-related issues destroy the partnership relationship the two of you have and that you signed up for when you married.

 

Then show her that you are fully capable of controlling your drinking and being the man she married.

 

These are things I have done almost exactly. We've discussed these things round n' round. We're at an impasse it seems. I've cut my drinking by 75% but didn't do it to her exact specifications so it wasn't good enough. I want to be able to have a drink or two on a Tuesday night if I feel like it. Not a bottle or a twelve pack but just a couple. So I'm drawing a line in the method not the result.

 

I cannot protect her from something that hasn't happened either. Her fears are about something that might happen sometime in the vague future. We have no kids now but she worries about these huge what ifs.

What if I happened to have a beer and had to pick up the kids at school?

Then the teacher smelled beer and called social services who took the kids? She's actually said this and we don't even have kids. Nor do I sit around drinking beer on a weekday morning.

 

I've never raised a hand, almost never even raise my voice. I keep a good job, never been arrested and I keep my vows. I think I'm a pretty stand up guy. I just happen to enjoy my Bourbon when I'm relaxing. I just kinda lost track of it dealing with my mom's illness and death.

 

So I hear her fears and understand them to a point. I just can't slay the imaginary dragons.

[sumdude]

Thought I would add that my drinking isn't the only thing that brought about this post. Up until now my wife has gone with me to most of my family engagements for 6 years. Now she doesn't want to go to my cousins baby's christening telling me that 'she's given enough'. Now I come from an immigrant family and she complains that no one there speaks english anyway and it's boring to her. She doesn't want to get along with anyone and finds fault with almost anyone there. Everyone does speak Enlish but are more comfortable speaking the native tongue which she sees as rude. Now I admit it would be nice of themn to switch to English when she in the group but it's easier said than done.

 

So she tells me to go alone. Now the way I was brought up this is the sort of thing you go to as a married couple. So if I go I spend the whole time answering questions 'where is your wife'?

[Sup]

Note to self..... NEVER MARRY NEVER MARRY NEVER MARRY

 

Whew...... I think I'll be ok now, if I just remember that!

[StayClose]

Sumdude:

 

When you say "I guess I was drinking too much" or "I kind of lost track of it," exactly how bad was it? Did it cause any other problems (of a lesser magnitude than wrecking the car, having an affair etc.)

 

The reason I ask is because most adults should be making their own decisions about where or how much to drink. But some should not, because they cannot control it. In those cases, a zero-tolerance policy from the spouse is justified.

 

Being honest whith yourself and with us, how much of a problem is alcohol for you (other than judgements from your wife)?

[sumdude]

Sumdude:

 

When you say "I guess I was drinking too much" or "I kind of lost track of it," exactly how bad was it? Did it cause any other problems (of a lesser magnitude than wrecking the car, having an affair etc.)

 

The reason I ask is because most adults should be making their own decisions about where or how much to drink. But some should not, because they cannot control it. In those cases, a zero-tolerance policy from the spouse is justified.

 

Being honest whith yourself and with us, how much of a problem is alcohol for you (other than judgements from your wife)?

 

Wow, what a grey area to go into. I was definitly drinking too much. I think the greatest concerns would have to be my health and the relationship with my wife. There weren't any specific incidents I can think of just the general coming home from work and having a couple/few drinks while sitting around the house. It was the daily nature and amount of consumption that was the issue not my behavior. So I guess the simple physical addiction, potential for health problems and possible future issues she's concerned about.

 

There have been other things going on too. My mother's cancer and passing as well our having problems concieving. My wife was on hormone therapy which was a serious roller coaster ride. There is stress all over this marriage right now and I think we've both had some trouble coping.

[justagirliegirl]

Your wife may be doing this because she thinks you have a drinking problem and from what you said it sounds like you do.

 

People who drink to an excess usually don't have much of an idea of how much they are really drinking. They also seem completely unaware of how annoying they are to their family when drunk all the time.

 

I stopped going places with my x and wanted to leave early because he always got so falling down drunk when we went out. It was embarrassing and it wasn't fun. I felt like I had a 3 year old with me. Another thing was the smell when he came to bed. He reeked of sour beer and it was a huge turn off.

 

Just another opinion.

[Romeo Must Die]

dude, I didnt mean to imply you were a cheater, I just said talked like one. You seemed pretty resentful and angry over the smallest arguements. You're not secure about yourself, with who you are inside, so you make up this big excuse to do what you want. A real man can walk out of that bar and not have to worry about what anybody thought of him.

 

You said things about her that she's never said (or done) to you. So, I guess she's not such a ball buster after all, she just lost people she cared about to alcolhol and she doesnt want to lose you also. Thats a big difference from your original post.

 

What's in that bar that makes you feel more in control. The booze. The bar people. They love everybody dont they. You bet. It's not your wife who owns you. They do. You dont have to proove it to her you are a man, you have to proove it to yourself.

 

[Rooster_DAR]

I apologize for my lack of imagination.

 

You now got me curious - is your W only unhappy about some of your habits, or with people you hang out with, or do you think she is trying to change/has started to dislike some traits of your personality?

 

Has this been going on for long? Or is it a very recent -and hopefully temporary- thing?

 

I started a thread on this very subject. Be careful and stand your ground, if you let her get away with too much she will lose respect and the rest is history. Stand your ground, be a man, and give a little but not too much.

 

Regards,

[Rooster_DAR]

Allow me to rephrase, don't give without getting something in return.

 

Cheers!

[sumdude]

dude, I didnt mean to imply you were a cheater, I just said talked like one. You seemed pretty resentful and angry over the smallest arguements. You're not secure about yourself, with who you are inside, so you make up this big excuse to do what you want. A real man can walk out of that bar and not have to worry about what anybody thought of him.

 

You said things about her that she's never said (or done) to you. So, I guess she's not such a ball buster after all, she just lost people she cared about to alcolhol and she doesnt want to lose you also. Thats a big difference from your original post.

 

What's in that bar that makes you feel more in control. The booze. The bar people. They love everybody dont they. You bet. It's not your wife who owns you. They do. You dont have to proove it to her you are a man, you have to proove it to yourself.

 

 

 

What bar?! Who are you projecting upon me?

 

I'll say it again I wasn't going out and drinking in bars period! Bar people? WTF?

 

Smallest arguments? Yeesh you have very little clue what goes on between me and my wife. Yeah I made that one ripping little comment to blow of steam. I do that here on line to get it out of my system.

 

I also have to ask where your crystal ball is telling me what she did or didn't do or say?

 

Seems like you might be taking issues with someone else into this thread or have some image of me conjured up.

[sumdude]

Your wife may be doing this because she thinks you have a drinking problem and from what you said it sounds like you do.

 

People who drink to an excess usually don't have much of an idea of how much they are really drinking. They also seem completely unaware of how annoying they are to their family when drunk all the time.

 

I stopped going places with my x and wanted to leave early because he always got so falling down drunk when we went out. It was embarrassing and it wasn't fun. I felt like I had a 3 year old with me. Another thing was the smell when he came to bed. He reeked of sour beer and it was a huge turn off.

 

Just another opinion.

 

As to the first part. Yes I admit I was drinking too much.

 

As to the rest, I am not like your X and do not behave that way when drinking. With confidence I know my wife would say it as well. Most people can't even tell when I've been drinking. I know of course it sounds like the typical denial but I stand by these comments. There's no way to prove them over the net so not much else I can do.

 

The smell might bother her I guess, I brush my teeth, wash up and change before bed but I suppose the whiskey could linger a bit.

[a4a]

As to the first part. Yes I admit I was drinking too much.

 

As to the rest, I am not like your X and do not behave that way when drinking. With confidence I know my wife would say it as well. Most people can't even tell when I've been drinking. I know of course it sounds like the typical denial but I stand by these comments. There's no way to prove them over the net so not much else I can do.

 

The smell might bother her I guess, I brush my teeth, wash up and change before bed but I suppose the whiskey could linger a bit.

 

 

maybe your personality does indeed change when drinking?

 

how many drinks do you have normally when out or at home?

[Romeo Must Die]

My mistake. This thread is just a rant about your wife. I was looking for problems beneath the surface. I still think you are the one with the problem. Not her. You're looking for validation so you can go out and party your brains out.

 

" The rules have changed... "

 

" we promised each other we'd never change... "

 

" My granny died... "

 

" She doesn't like my friends... "

 

" We dont go out to parties like we used to... "

 

" Just one Tuesday a week... "

 

" Just a few glasses of wine... "

 

" Just a little burbon... "

 

" She doesnt like my family... She wont go to reunions... "

 

 

Go out and have a drink because you want to. You dont need an excuse to have a good time.

 

These are the normal everyday things and are not even worth arguing about. However. You still have a huge failure to communicate things properly and you are insecure about your self image. A lethal combination when mixed with bitterness and alcolhol. You should figure it out now before you are fifteen years in to the marriage. Another woman could come along who would otherwise mirror your exact feelings and you could lose all that. Thats what I was trying to communicate to you.

 

If you think you are not in control, then I can only say, it's all how you look at yourself. If you think that everyone is taking everything from you, and making unreasonable demands on you, then how will you ever cope with raising children if you cant cope with the demands of marriage.

 

Your life will change. It will challenge your rules. It's called responsibility. It's called life. I think that is what your wife is trying to communicate with you.

 

[sumdude]

My mistake. This thread is just a rant about your wife. I was looking for problems beneath the surface. I still think you are the one with the problem. Not her. You're looking for validation so you can go out and party your brains out.

 

Right....party my brains out..of course.

 

" The rules have changed... "

 

Yes they have, much more than just the drinking issue that is being focused on.

 

" we promised each other we'd never change... "

 

Not what I said..we said we shouldn't try to change each other.

 

" My granny died... "

 

Again you didn't even pay enough attention to get this right. My Mother died, it was a long awful fight with cancer if you must know. we had to take care of her in ways no child should ever have to do for a parent. As well as a lot of family strife in the process. I pray you haven't or won't have to go through what we went through.

 

" She doesn't like my friends... "

 

No she doesn't like many of them and goes out of her way to find fault with many of them

 

" We dont go out to parties like we used to... "

 

We hardly socialize at all anymore. It's pretty sad really.

 

" Just one Tuesday a week... "

 

" Just a few glasses of wine... "

 

" Just a little burbon... "

 

Yes I think I sould have the adult freedom to chosse to have a drink or two when I want. Not some huge binge.

 

" She doesnt like my family... She wont go to reunions... "

 

reunion? what reuniuon?

 

Go out and have a drink because you want to. You dont need an excuse to have a good time.

 

I agree. Still, this isn't some wierd attempt to justify drinking because I'm a bit upset with boundary issues in my marriage. Jeez that dog won't hunt.

 

These are the normal everyday things and are not even worth arguing about.

 

These are very common issues in a marriage ie Family, boundaries, and if family isn't worth arguing about what is?

 

However. You still have a huge failure to communicate things properly and you are insecure about your self image.

 

I see, and you've been in my house when I discuss these things with my wife?

 

A lethal combination when mixed with bitterness and alcolhol. You should figure it out now before you are fifteen years in to the marriage. Another woman could come along who would otherwise mirror your exact feelings and you could lose all that. Thats what I was trying to communicate to you.

 

If you think you are not in control, then I can only say, it's all how you look at yourself. If you think that everyone is taking everything from you, and making unreasonable demands on you, then how will you ever cope with raising children if you cant cope with the demands of marriage.

 

Your life will change. It will challenge your rules. It's called responsibility. It's called life. I think that is what your wife is trying to communicate with you.

 

I am a responsible adult who likes to have a few drinks now and then. How you've painted me in your mind I cannot control. I think you have some image of me sitting in some bar whining about my wife to the regulars while my wife sits at home.

 

Otherwise our marriage isn't bad at all. This is something my wife and I have to work out. I come here to get other ideas. To be somehow pegged and psycoanalyzed from 3 - 4 posts I find quite amazing.