reneet Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 I'm going crazy. How do you tell someone to ***** or get off the pot when you've been living together for 5 years?? I feel like his wife is being held over my head. Can't stand it anymore!!!
everlong Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 it sounds like u are extremely stressed out i don't know your situation because i am fairly knew to this site but if u need to rant or someone simply to listen and perhaps provide an outsiders bit of advice feel free to let me know
Author reneet Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 it sounds like u are extremely stressed out i don't know your situation because i am fairly knew to this site but if u need to rant or someone simply to listen and perhaps provide an outsiders bit of advice feel free to let me know In a nut shell, we've been together for 6 years, living together for 5. He says he can't afford a divorce. Property involved etc. She's been seeing someone also. His son is in the hosp w/leukemia. He doesn't want to add to the stress he already has. All excuses for not getting a divorce IMO. Just don't want to do this anymore.
Author reneet Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 I don't even believe that if/when he gets a divorce if it would change anything. I don't know what I want. I'd like to just run away & start over.
Baileykeg Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Without knowing the details of your situation is it possible to sit down and talk about how you both feel about where you are in your situation? My MM and I both agreed that until he did something about the W that we couldn't move forward and it was ultimately hurting what we had. We've spent hours talking about how we both feel about the situation. Can you guys do that? For my situation....In order to try to fix it we agreed on a deadline...not an ultimatum....but a date where he would have an answer about what he wanted for the future. By doing so it gives me a date certain that I can have a clear (I hope) answer of what I need to do next with my life. I hope something like this can work for you. Fill us in on your story...we're here to listen.
Author reneet Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 Without knowing the details of your situation is it possible to sit down and talk about how you both feel about where you are in your situation? My MM and I both agreed that until he did something about the W that we couldn't move forward and it was ultimately hurting what we had. We've spent hours talking about how we both feel about the situation. Can you guys do that? For my situation....In order to try to fix it we agreed on a deadline...not an ultimatum....but a date where he would have an answer about what he wanted for the future. By doing so it gives me a date certain that I can have a clear (I hope) answer of what I need to do next with my life. I hope something like this can work for you. Fill us in on your story...we're here to listen. We've had that same discussion a million times. To no avail. I told him that I don't want to go on anymore like this and all he says is "What do you want me to do? Do you want me to leave?" Of course I don't want him to leave. WHich I've told him 2 million times.
everlong Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Hi R, When you say 'She's been seeing someone also' do u mean his wife? The money thing shouldn't be a problem really because from the sounds of it the wife knows about both of you - so chances are the marriage is over now anyway...I would be concerned about the son is in the hosp w/leukemia. That must weigh heavily on his mind. Sounds like bad timing and tough choices all around. Why did you pick Nov? Is the son getting out of the hospital soon? If I was the father in this situation I would have an extremely hard time breaking up my marriage and family while my son is in the hospital with cancer. I would think that children come first. So do 2 live close to each other? You both work I assume? You realize that you both are gonna lose a lot - [family, friends] but if it works out you both get each other.
Author reneet Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 Hi R, When you say 'She's been seeing someone also' do u mean his wife? The money thing shouldn't be a problem really because from the sounds of it the wife knows about both of you - so chances are the marriage is over now anyway...I would be concerned about the son is in the hosp w/leukemia. That must weigh heavily on his mind. Sounds like bad timing and tough choices all around. Why did you pick Nov? Is the son getting out of the hospital soon? If I was the father in this situation I would have an extremely hard time breaking up my marriage and family while my son is in the hospital with cancer. I would think that children come first. So do 2 live close to each other? You both work I assume? You realize that you both are gonna lose a lot - [family, friends] but if it works out you both get each other. His w has been seeing someone for a long while now. His marital home where the w lives is 10 mins away from where I live. We both work. Children do come first. For him & I. I just can't fathom him consoling her. He comes & goes. We haven't spoken since saturday. He goes to drop off our rent check & comes home drunk 5 hrs later. He'd rather spend that time with his buddy (whom may I mention started alotta crap between my man & me) . I am rambling on here because of all the issues that have never been taken care of. So sorry! I just see no end result in this relationship. I do not want to get married. I want him to get divorced. That's all. Easy as that!!
Author reneet Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 His w has been seeing someone for a long while now. His marital home where the w lives is 10 mins away from where I live. We both work. Children do come first. For him & I. I just can't fathom him consoling her. He comes & goes. We haven't spoken since saturday. He goes to drop off our rent check & comes home drunk 5 hrs later. He'd rather spend that time with his buddy (whom may I mention started alotta crap between my man & me) . I am rambling on here because of all the issues that have never been taken care of. So sorry! I just see no end result in this relationship. I do not want to get married. I want him to get divorced. That's all. Easy as that!! His son was just admitted to the hosp. He's getting a bone marrow transplant on thursday. There is a long long road ahead. I don't know if I want to bear it.
Art_Critic Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 I feel like his wife is being held over my head. Can't stand it anymore!!! My Dad had this saying that may make some sense in your case.. He would say " if you're going to let me kick you then I'm going to kick you " Meaning he would take avantage of someone until they stood up to him.. She is being held over your head.. You are in control of your own destiny.. simple really.. You have every right to be in a relationship with someone who is available. Either lay down the law and tell him that he must get a divorce or lose you or breakup with him and date someone single. 5 years.. you must really be under his spell.. I guess you drank the koolaid
NoIDidn't Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Hi R, When you say 'She's been seeing someone also' do u mean his wife? The money thing shouldn't be a problem really because from the sounds of it the wife knows about both of you - so chances are the marriage is over now anyway...I would be concerned about the son is in the hosp w/leukemia. That must weigh heavily on his mind. Sounds like bad timing and tough choices all around. Why did you pick Nov? Is the son getting out of the hospital soon? If I was the father in this situation I would have an extremely hard time breaking up my marriage and family while my son is in the hospital with cancer. I would think that children come first. So do 2 live close to each other? You both work I assume? You realize that you both are gonna lose a lot - [family, friends] but if it works out you both get each other. Reneet STOP. BREATHE. Then kick him out! everlong - his M has been broken for several years, he just doesn't want to finalize the ending. Renee His W is not being held over your head. He knows that you are too afraid to let him go and is going to milk that until you completely lose yourself. He is a COWARD! He isn't going to file for a D. Financial reasons are bogus. He's been out for 5 years. His son's illness is bogus. He's be out for 5 years!!! His asking you if you want him to leave are the cowards way of saying "I want to leave, but I don't want to be seen as the bad guy". He is using the typical immature male break-up routine. Distancing himself from you until you can't take the R breakdown anymore. You break up with him, and he's relieved. But there is a twist this time. Go on, break up with him and see that YOU will be the one that is RELIEVED!!!!
Author reneet Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 Reneet STOP. BREATHE. Then kick him out! everlong - his M has been broken for several years, he just doesn't want to finalize the ending. Renee His W is not being held over your head. He knows that you are too afraid to let him go and is going to milk that until you completely lose yourself. He is a COWARD! He isn't going to file for a D. Financial reasons are bogus. He's been out for 5 years. His son's illness is bogus. He's be out for 5 years!!! His asking you if you want him to leave are the cowards way of saying "I want to leave, but I don't want to be seen as the bad guy". He is using the typical immature male break-up routine. Distancing himself from you until you can't take the R breakdown anymore. You break up with him, and he's relieved. But there is a twist this time. Go on, break up with him and see that YOU will be the one that is RELIEVED!!!! Thanks for your input!! I will bring up the fact that he does not want to finalize the end of his marriage. If he has no plans on ever finalizing it, he's out!! For good. I will be crushed but there will be an end to the grief. If I stay with things as they are, there's no end to the grief. Thank you again!!!
Author reneet Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 if I only had a week or two to live & HE knew that my dying wish was for him to be divorced, He'd never be able to honor it. It'll be too late. How sad is that.
NoIDidn't Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 if I only had a week or two to live & HE knew that my dying wish was for him to be divorced, He'd never be able to honor it. It'll be too late. How sad is that. Don't go there. That's manipulation and its not fair. I would hope that you have a better dying wish than just for him to be divorced. I have a relative that left his W for about the same time as your MM. Helped her raise her 5 daughters, too. But he refused to get D. His W was also dating someone else by then too. That was more than 20 years ago. And they celebrated 40 years three years ago. Might I add that I have very little respect for this relative as well. The point is, no matter what he does with his M or his W, don't make it YOUR problem. Demanding that he D is likely driving him away from you. Truth is you are not happy with the current arrangement. Do you go or do you stay? Do the benefits outweigh your fears?
whichwayisup Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 I just see no end result in this relationship. I do not want to get married. I want him to get divorced. That's all. Easy as that!! This doesn't make any sense. You don't want to marry the guy, yet YOU want him to get a divorce. Sorry to say this harshly, but if he divorces, it will be when HE is ready, not because you're commanding him to do so. Lay off, let him deal with what's going on in his life. Last thing he needs right now is this kind of stress, seeing as his son is quite ill and in the hospital.
NoIDidn't Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Oh I must've missed that part. You don't want to marry him, but want him to get divorced. For what? Common law reasons? Financial reasons? Why don't you want to marry him since you are so adamant about him divorcing his W? Is that part of the "winning" thing?
Author reneet Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 Oh I must've missed that part. You don't want to marry him' date=' but want him to get divorced. For what? Common law reasons? Financial reasons? Why don't you want to marry him since you are so adamant about him divorcing his W? Is that part of the "winning" thing?[/quote'] Because it's what should be done. I've already won him over a long time ago. God forbid something happens to him, I have been the one taking care of him, I'd want/deserve to be there for him w/o complications from HER. If he's divorced, she'll see the light that he does not want her. Nor does she want him. She's with someone now for 3 years. Any more ?'s?
serial muse Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Because it's what should be done. I've already won him over a long time ago. God forbid something happens to him, I have been the one taking care of him, I'd want/deserve to be there for him w/o complications from HER. If he's divorced, she'll see the light that he does not want her. Nor does she want him. She's with someone now for 3 years. Any more ?'s? hi reneet. i've responded to your posts before, and you weren't crazy about what i had to say, so maybe this isn't going to be helpful to you. however. it seems clear that the W is not your problem, your MM is. i know you're frustrated with him, but i don't really get why you still want to think it's in any way her fault that your MM refuses to sh*t or get off the pot. i suppose it probably makes it easier to deal with him and live with him on a daily basis if you can transfer some of the responsibility for his indecision to someone else. but i wonder if you can see that placing that responsibility on her - or allowing him to do so - is just another way of making excuses for him? it obscures the issue and just allows him to get away with it, yet again. because as i'm sure you actually know, deep down, his refusal to get a divorce has nothing to do with her "not seeing the light" or creating "complications". it's all on him. i know his son is ill, but he's been at this for five years now and - as i said before, although you didn't think much of this opinion - his financial excuses are just puffs of hot air. he doesn't want to get a divorce because it means difficulties and headaches for him - not his wife - and as long as you put up with it, why should he bother? i'm not arguing this from a BS perspective, because i really think she's just not part of the issue now. i'm arguing this from the perspective of someone who sees another person putting up with something she shouldn't be putting up with. the situation is making you unhappy and frustrated and he's offering you nothing concrete. you've put up with it for a long time. you don't have to do it indefinitely. perhaps starting over with someone new who doesn't have his head up his a$$ isn't such a terrible idea?
Author reneet Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 hi reneet. i've responded to your posts before, and you weren't crazy about what i had to say, so maybe this isn't going to be helpful to you. however. it seems clear that the W is not your problem, your MM is. i know you're frustrated with him, but i don't really get why you still want to think it's in any way her fault that your MM refuses to sh*t or get off the pot. i suppose it probably makes it easier to deal with him and live with him on a daily basis if you can transfer some of the responsibility for his indecision to someone else. but i wonder if you can see that placing that responsibility on her - or allowing him to do so - is just another way of making excuses for him? it obscures the issue and just allows him to get away with it, yet again. because as i'm sure you actually know, deep down, his refusal to get a divorce has nothing to do with her "not seeing the light" or creating "complications". it's all on him. i know his son is ill, but he's been at this for five years now and - as i said before, although you didn't think much of this opinion - his financial excuses are just puffs of hot air. he doesn't want to get a divorce because it means difficulties and headaches for him - not his wife - and as long as you put up with it, why should he bother? i'm not arguing this from a BS perspective, because i really think she's just not part of the issue now. i'm arguing this from the perspective of someone who sees another person putting up with something she shouldn't be putting up with. the situation is making you unhappy and frustrated and he's offering you nothing concrete. you've put up with it for a long time. you don't have to do it indefinitely. perhaps starting over with someone new who doesn't have his head up his a$$ isn't such a terrible idea? You are 100% right. I agree. It has been a long time now that I've been dealing with this. And he has not offered anything concrete. The next time the issue comes up about divorce I'll tell him to go back to his w. It's never a good time to bring the issue up though. He tells me it's not about me. His son is very sick & it's not a good time. I'm really tired of hearing it. It's just so hard for me to tell him to leave. I love him to death & I'm crazy in love with him. I feel that's why I've hung in so long. I give him chance after chance. Thanks for your advice. It finally sunk in!!
Author reneet Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 It isn't about her. The W. I don't think I've made it to be about her. It's him. He needs to stop making excuses & end the marriage. Make it final.
Art_Critic Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 He needs to stop making excuses & end the marriage. Make it final. Or he needs to end it with you.. the flip side of the coin is that he is hesitating with you for whatever reason.. he obviously doesn't feel that your relationship is worth divorcing her and marrying you over.. think about it.. if he divorces her then he has to marry you.. Right ? No offense meant.. I am just trying to get you to see it in a different light You need to wake up and smell the coffee.. he is an ultimate cake eater and you are just plain naive and not willing to make the right and healthy decisions for yourself..
Author reneet Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 Or he needs to end it with you.. the flip side of the coin is that he is hesitating with you for whatever reason.. he obviously doesn't feel that your relationship is worth divorcing her and marrying you over.. think about it.. if he divorces her then he has to marry you.. Right ? No offense meant.. I am just trying to get you to see it in a different light You need to wake up and smell the coffee.. he is an ultimate cake eater and you are just plain naive and not willing to make the right and healthy decisions for yourself.. I don't want to get married therefore he dosen't HAVE to marry me. So No you are not right about that. He just needs to file for divorce & get it over with. That's all. I will ask him tonite if he thinks our relationship is worth it & let you know what his response is.
Art_Critic Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 I don't want to get married therefore he dosen't HAVE to marry me. So No you are not right about that. He just needs to file for divorce & get it over with. That's all. I will ask him tonite if he thinks our relationship is worth it & let you know what his response is. I do think he needs to move on away from that relationship and move on to yours.. Does he know and believe that you don't want to marry him ? It does sound like some airing of the sheets needs to be done otherwise you are going to be in limbo for eternity
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 It isn't about her. The W. I don't think I've made it to be about her. It's him. He needs to stop making excuses & end the marriage. Make it final. Does he know that you have no intention of marrying him? Because it is possible in his mind that he doesn't see the point in divoring his wife then. I'm sure for financial reasons, and legal reasons (and maybe some personal reasons, I don't know) he hasn't pushed for a divorce. IT is possible too, that if he asks for a divorce, she'll turn around and take EVERYTHING or make it a messy divorce, maybe he's scared of that...Better for HER to approach him.
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