Baileykeg Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 I need some fast advice here....most of you know my story that my MM and I are in NC until Nov. 4th when he's supposed to have a "poop or get off the pot" decision on his divorce. I've struggled terribly during this NC and have broken it a few times. I got home yesterday and had a message from him telling me how much he misses me, that he's been thinking a lot about me, that he loves me and hopes I'm ok and that he's ok and will talk to me later. I haven't called him back. Here's my struggle: 1. What happens if I don't call back? I've never not returned a call from him in 10 months. I don't want to hurt him. 2. If I don't call back is he just going to give up on us? 3. Did he call me to just f*** with my head and keep me from trying to move forward? I told him that I had gone out with someone else and would likely go again. Is this just about a control thing for him? What do I do now? I'm so torn as to what to do.
Freedom Now Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If you call him, or if you allow him to contact you....you are continuing the perpetual cycle of insanity. He is missing you because he is choosing EVERY DAY to miss you, is he not? He could stop his pain today if he really wanted to, is that not true?
Author Baileykeg Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 Yes, it is his choice to continue this painful cycle we are in by continuing to not make a decision one way or another. That goes back to my earlier post of why I don't understand why I can't get angry about that. My head tells me I should. My heart says a different story. I miss him so much.
Freedom Now Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 I know you do. But what about what YOU want? Let him feel the pain of missing you. Perhaps once he can't take it any longer, he will make a decision. If you "put him out of his misery" now by contacting him, he will continue the cycle of misery for YOU. Let HIM feel some pain for a change. Remember, he is CHOOSING to miss you every day. He could stop his misery and yours by making a decision. He simply isn't uncomfortable enough yet.
elijahBailey Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 This pain won't last forever. It's the withdrawal stage that's difficult. Stand firm. If you call back and you guys get back together, and then you feel more pain down the road, you're definitely gonna kick yourself for calling him back today.
BenThereDunThat Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Completely agree with FN and eB. Don't call him back. It's time for you to be in control. I know it's hard, but you will get past this. It will just go on that much longer if you call him back. Stay strong. Keep posting here instead of dialing that number!
PoshPrincess Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 I know you do. But what about what YOU want? Let him feel the pain of missing you. Perhaps once he can't take it any longer, he will make a decision. If you "put him out of his misery" now by contacting him, he will continue the cycle of misery for YOU. Let HIM feel some pain for a change. Remember, he is CHOOSING to miss you every day. He could stop his misery and yours by making a decision. He simply isn't uncomfortable enough yet. I am in two minds, Bailiey. I can see what Freedom is saying but then again I have been in your position so I can understand that you want to be a constant reminder for him. Some men just need the decision making for them - ie, if you don't call him it's a case of 'out of sight, out of mind' and he will get on with life without you, feeling that you have made the decision for him. Don't play games is what I say. Just be straight. But still make 4 November your cut off point. If he doesn't make a decision by that date THEN go NC. He was the one who gave you that deadline so he should stick to it! Sometimes wish I had given my MM an ultimatum. Maybe that's where I went wrong.
Freedom Now Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Women fall in love in a man's presence and men fall in love in a woman's ABSENCE. I read that somewhere and I believe it.
BenThereDunThat Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Women fall in love in a man's presence and men fall in love in a woman's ABSENCE. I read that somewhere and I believe it. Love this -- so true!
Freedom Now Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 And, like I have said before, if a man TRULY loves you, he isn't just gonna shrug his shoulders and walk away without a fight. It isn't how a man works. He will fight for the woman he really, truly loves. If he can get on with life without you, then it wasn't meant to be. And it wasn't love, IMHO. Peace.
everlong Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 wow - what a situation. so, basically u are saying you had an affair with a married man and obviously things has progressed to the point where you gave him the ultimatium of leaving his wife for good or you are gonzo. so from the sounds of it - that would mean that u are frustrated because you must really, really love him, to have done that [possibly more than he does u but keep this in mind...[speaking purely from an outsiders [moralistic approach] point of view...while you both must be torn with guilt for committing an adulturous act - and if you do not 'feel' that guilty just yet, and probably because of those beginning rush feelings from becoming involved in a extremly risky, harmful, dangerous situation [emotions run very high when something like that - remember you are the one that has intruded and are breaking up a family - if they have kids - i amsure his wife [and her possible friends and family know about this and do not look upon you favourably - basically you are destroying a family - and you don't know what the OW is capable of hence risk and danger] but i can gaurentee you both will, at some point down the road, feel a huge wave of guilt and remorse. i don't know what the 'stats' are on such a union staying together - because you are both starting a relationship in which trust has already been torn apart [two cheaters] and he really has the tougher part in this drama - he has the family - i am assuming you are single because you did not mention a hubby - so he has more to lose than you do - and he is giving up more than u are - probably why it is easier for you to pressure him. did th affair just start out as a sex romp, then both develped feelings? it is often the case that both only enter into an affair MM SF with the understanding that it is not going further than simple free sex - without having to hunt down your desired sex prey [u can always find MM at their house! lol] and you are both breaking NC [i did too - so, don't feel too bad] but good news in Nov 4 is fairly close - so hang in there. how are your family and friends taking all this? you must be getting a hard time over your actions as well. what a crazy situation - i can't imagine ever getting myself in such a position because life in general is stressful enuff! lol i cannot imagine how stressful that must be one all three of u there is gonna to a lot of tears and hurt either way [catch 22] - i wish you well
Author Baileykeg Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 Thanks everyone for your support. I just want you to know how much I appreciate it. You guys feel kind of like family in that I can come to you for support when I need you. I don't want to play games with him and I do want this cycle to stop. I guess all I can do is take it day by day and see what happens next until we get to the 4th. I try not to overanalyze what it means that he says he thinks of me constantly and misses me so much. He says everything reminds him of me so I guess if I don't call back there still will be things there to remind him. He knows I love him but I'm so scared like Posh said that I will become "out of sight, out of mind". It's a terrible limbo to be in. Any thoughts on what might happen next if I don't call?
BenThereDunThat Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Thanks everyone for your support. I just want you to know how much I appreciate it. You guys feel kind of like family in that I can come to you for support when I need you. I don't want to play games with him and I do want this cycle to stop. I guess all I can do is take it day by day and see what happens next until we get to the 4th. I try not to overanalyze what it means that he says he thinks of me constantly and misses me so much. He says everything reminds him of me so I guess if I don't call back there still will be things there to remind him. He knows I love him but I'm so scared like Posh said that I will become "out of sight, out of mind". It's a terrible limbo to be in. Any thoughts on what might happen next if I don't call? Just this - if 'out of sight' truly does make you become 'out of mind' for him, well, then, all I can say is good riddance! Then it's a good thing you did NC. If it was real, true love this would not happen! I know Freedom can expound on this more eloquently than I....
elijahBailey Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Any thoughts on what might happen next if I don't call? <EB looks into his crystal ball.....> uhh, assuming you do not call him back this time... ...there is a 50% chance he's gonna try contacting you again. then, assuming you still don't call him back... ...there will then be a 30% chance he'll try contacting you yet again. then assumming you still do NOT call him back... ...there will then be a 10% chance he'll try contacting you yet again. then assumming you still do NOT call him back... ...there will be a 0% chance he'll try contacting you yet again. If you survive past this stage, you'll be so glad you didn't call him at all.
Freedom Now Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 OR... If he loves you, he will panic, step things up, or.... MAKE A DECISION because he can't stand the thought of losing you. Could go either way, depending on how he feels about you. It is a chance you are gonna have to take, I guess...
PoshPrincess Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Any thoughts on what might happen next if I don't call? Not sure Bailey, but I went on and off NC so much that I think my MM just got sick of all the to-ing and fro-ing. I wish now that I had stuck with it, waited it out and been there for him but at the time I thought NC would give him the kick up the a*** that he needed. Unfortunately not. My gut instinct now, knowing what I know, would be to hang in there, but every sitch is different. I SO wish I had persevered. I can't think of what might have been but you still have the opportunity to make things happen.
NoIDidn't Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Don't call him and stop worrying about what would happen if you don't call him. If he forgets you, then it wasn't worth hanging on for anyway. Nov. 4th is around the corner. I bet if you do talk to him before then, he is just going to use the call to set you up with believing all his reasons for why he just can't leave by that date. (his child, his wife is sick, he has an aneurysm, you name it) Don't let him do this to you. Take your power back.
morningdelights Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 I am going thru somewhat of a similar situation. Trying the NC and even have left my phone at home so I don't call. I see he has called today, I didn't call back but it will be a difficult night wondering if tommrrow my phone will ring and if I answer it. We are going through a hard time right now in our relationship and not sure where it is headed. I am tired of being in left field and no answer as to why.
Can'tGiveUp Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 My MM and I split for over a year when he went back to his W. He had been separated from her when we met. During the year we had several periods of NC, followed every once and a while by a quick "Hey how are you?" email. We are now seriously immersed in an A, BUT what he told me was that while he was sure that I had moved on with my life, he needed to contact me every once in a while just to have a small part of my life. If he truly loves you, your not answering a call during an AGREED upon NC will not affect whether he contacts you again. Good luck, I think I am only a few months away from the same situation.
Author Baileykeg Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 Well I talked to him yesterday and while it was more of the same he loves me, misses me, etc., he also told me that he told the W it was over. He said that he couldn't file the paperwork until December because of some residency issues. I said I thought that was just another delay tactic and that he was wrong about the residency issues. We've spoken since and I gave him some information clearing up the residency issue and verifying that he can file the paperwork now if he chooses to do so. I told him that while he told her that it was over that to me those were only words and he needed to understand that that is not enough for me. I asked if we needed to move our date to December to talk so he would have time to finish what he needs to. He said he would like to keep our original date and for us to talk some things out then. At this point the ball is still in his court as far as whether he files or not. I hope that he will follow through with what he has stated to me but I am cautious at this point. We're still proceeding with NC until the 4th (I think) so I'm not sure what happens from here.
elijahBailey Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Well I talked to him yesterday We're still proceeding with NC until the 4th (I think) so I'm not sure what happens from here. Then it's not NC no more Baileykeg..... The deal with NC is that you can't talk to the other person nor see each other. I can understand that you feel more relieved now that you've spoken to him, but if things don't work out, you're gonna have to start all over again ..... and maybe with even more pain. As for what he's dished out to you, it's so typical, really. IMHO, it's just a crock of sh*t. I may be wrong, though. But whatever, you just play it by ear alright. Just don't go running back into his arms just cuz he said he would file.
Author Baileykeg Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 I won't. I realize that by going back or seeing him that we just start the cycle all over again and it would put him back in his comfort zone of knowing that I was there and knowing that he really didn't have to do anything about the W. I'm tired of that cycle and I want more. I don't plan to talk to him between now and the 4th to continue to give him the time he needs to finalize his stuff. Once the 4th comes we can talk and see where we BOTH are and what may or may not happen next. I appreciate the continued strength that I'm getting from all of you. Yes, he's told me almost everything that I want to hear but until it happens I'm trying to stay strong enough to hold my ground for what I want.
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