Guest Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Hello all, I am so glad I found this forum. Please help. This is a long post. MM and I met at work. I have known him for years now. I never liked him when I first met him, which over a period of time turned to good friendship. Both of us are married with 2 kids. Suddenly last year he started hitting on me, which I didnt realise till he pointed it out to me. I was amused and slightly pleased too as I am 4 years elder to him. The flirting continued, though I warned him I will never, ever cheat on my H. MM was fine with it but he continued flirting anyway (chasing?). He loved the chase. I must tell you that H was the only person I had slept with and we had been married for 13 years. Also, unfortunately, I have never had an orgasm by myself or with H. Coming back to the story, slowly, fliritng became heavy sex talk and MM used to tell me about his earlier conquests and I would be fascinated by it. I would especially be fascinated by his stories of his ex-GFs orgasms. One day, I had to travel to another town for business and MM actually managed to travel there just to be with me. I was absolutely astounded that someone would chase me and want me so much. MM tried to seduce me, but I did not give in. He spent the night in my room, but we didnt even kiss. I was awake the whole night and he peacefully slept. I realised that he could have forced me but he didnt. Early morning, I turned to look at him sleeping in the other bed and fell in love with him, HARD. He could not spend any more time with me that day and had to leave early in the morning. We did kiss before he left. But, I made a firm commitment to myself that I will not cheat on my H (hadnt I already cheated?). The days that followed were wonderful. We were so much in love...while MM used to ask me to sleep with him, I never felt pressured. MM always insisted that our relationship was much more than sex. We were also very clear that this relationship was outside M and we will continue living our usual lives. We would be on the phone with each other several times a day. I would login to chat with him and before I could get the first word, he would start with "GM Merry sunshine". Oh those were wonderful times. My feelings for him grew stronger and one day the inevitable happened. We had a PA. Sex was definitely better than what I had with my H but I didnt have my O either. After a couple of weeks, he went on a vacation with his W. We had professed our love to each other before he left and how much we would miss each other etc. etc. Each day without him was so painful and I was dying for his return. The day came and I logged in ... only to find him offline. I waited for a couple of hours and then called his mobile. He said he was still sleeping as he had returned on a late night flight. I was disappointed, of course. Next day we met at office (btw, we work from home and dont go to office regularly) and he spoke about how things had gone wrong at work when he had been away. He was looking very tense...Third day after his return, still no chats/calls. Late in the evening I started the chat and blasted him. He called me to say that nothing had changed between us, work is hectic. 4 months down the line, many fights later, me threatening to end this, I was on maintenance. One call or chat per day. We would meet once a month for sex, no dinners, no gifts...He called me high maintenance and how instead of supporting me I had stomped all over him in his hours of need when he was going thru a bad patch at work. I tried to become un-emotional about the whole thing, rather not be needy or clingy with him. another 4 months later, low maintenance...one call or chat per week. thats the situation now. We meet once or twice a month for sex. I dont call him at all now as I realised that whenever I called he was busy and would call back later. To give him his dues, he has always returned my call. He says he loves me but will not get attached as it may jeopardise our regular lives. But this was the guy who once asked "would you call me if I dont". This was the guy who would call me first thing on monday to tell me he missed me during the weekend (we have a policy not to call on weekends) and did I think of him. Yesterday, we were supposed to meet for our usual tryst. He called to say that he has to cancel it as W unexpectedly wanted something. I was not surprised. He had called me last week and I couldnt accept it at that time. I had instead suggested monday. He had accepted it but not fixed up on the time. On friday, when I called him, he confirmed the date, provided nothing came up in the last minute, but said he would call later and discuss the time. He never called. So I was not surprised when something did come up and he had to cancel it. He said he will call later and fix up another date. He hasnt called till now. The thing is that these 8 months have been filled with such I will call u later and no calls. Whenever I have called him, he has been busy but has always called back. Our sex is passionate (I still havent had my orgasm, btw) whenever we meet. From once a month, it has now become once in 2 months. I feel I am not being treated with respect. Despite the promises "this is more than sex, you mean more to me", we meet only for sex. Last time we met, he had planned that we will spend the whole day together and after 2 hours called home to say he will come for lunch. And when I questioned him, he said he had completely forgotten what he had told me. He apologised, of course. He is otherwise a good friend. I know his financial data. He trusts me enough to give my name as his referal. Guys who had the patience to read this post, please tell me is this normal behavior? MM doesnt avoid me but I feel I am his fallback girl for sex - safe and free. I think I should end the whole thing as I am miserable with my love for him. I cant tell him how I feel as he doesnt want any emotional tantrums. Am I high maintenance? Is it too much to expect your lover to call you atleast once a day? I am angry, resent being treated this way and also feel guilty as this is not a straight relationship. We are outside our societal rules, so do I have the right to expect a just and fair treatment? I am confused and would like advice on if I should break up with him or not?
Guest Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 He courted and 'whooed' you until he got you in the sack - since he's treated you like 'booty on call'. Even in a friends-with-benefits situation - you get treated like a friend! This guy does not love you - he doesn't even act as though he likes and respects you. End the affair and work on your marriage.
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 He is using you for sex, and an ego boost. It's all fantasy and fun - As soon as he felt it getting TOO serious, he backed off - Giving you line after line, excuse after excuse...He isn't inlove with you, yet he enjoys having sex with you. He has also told you he has no intention of letting himself get attached to you, which is why it's so easy for him to treat you like a piece of dog crap! My question is, IS this guy worth it??? He's a complete a-hole and cruel. He knows how you feel about him, yet he is still 'allowing' you 'one chat or call' a week? WTF. Doesn't that just piss you off? Where is your anger! Why aren't you telling him GOODBYE! Dump his selfish a@@ and focus on your husband. Fix your marriage, find out why you let yourself fall for another man, instead of letting your husband have that love and passion... Also (hate to say it) get yourself tested for STD's. It would be just awful if your husband got something from you. (Plus, you don't know if the MM had OW too, other than just you. Never say never...)
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 It is awful how he is treating you!!! Come on, what are you hanging onto???????????? Sex with a MM every once in a long while??? YOu can have that and much more with your H - if you put your heart into your marriage. He is no longer interested in you. He likes the chase, you said so yourself. You have to LET HIM CHASE YOU! You are making it like a chore for him, even having sex with you is a chore. If you are important to him, he'd never put off sex. Please get some counseling while you are withdrawing yourself from his pull. Understand why you need him at this stage. It is pretty obvious to me that the relationship has fizzled. If you are hoping for his passion for you to return, then you can forget it. He will never chase you the way he did again for the simple reason that it he's already got what he was after (sex with you.) To answer your questions: NO, you are not too high maintenance as a HUMAN BEING, or as a FRIEND, but you are as the OW/mistress/FWB. Decide what you want to be and go from there.
PoshPrincess Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Give him up! Sorry to say this but it seems that he has used you and will go on using you all the time you let him get away with it. You deserve so much better! To be honest, it amazes me that so many MMs do this. One of these days he will come unstuck (as many have) and will land himself with some bunny boiler who will seriously f**k his life up! As others have said, try focusing on your marriage. Take a look at why you had an A with someone (other than the fact that you fancied the pants off him of course!) If you were truly happy with your H then maybe you wouldn't have strayed in the first place. Just remember that this a**hole isn't worthy of the love you feel for him. Cut him out of your life as much as you can (work permitting) and try your best to move on. Lots of luck!
umbo Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 I must tell you that H was the only person I had slept with and we had been married for 13 years. Yes dear you are and have been used like a conquest, instead of the vibrant high moral brilliant tough minded virgin you once were. This so called friend is a liar user and self gratifier he manipultated cirmcumstances told you lies and now has you at his beck and call. Wake up dear you are still valuable and have lots to offer to your family and husband. Tell this married man if he does not leave you alone you will tell his wife. Then write his wife a secret letter disclosing what he has done and said. Use this lesson and gone on with your life knowing the grass is not greener on the other side it is only an illusion.
ConfusedLover Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 Hi, I had by mistake, posted as a guest. Thank you all, so much, for your advice. Even before I logged in to check for responses, I was mooning over him, wondering if he would call today. Reading your responses has been like being hit with cold water and has jolted me out of my fond hopes. I never realised how he appears to a third person who is not in love with him. I am in NC anyway (all the time ). So it is not so difficult for me to stay away from him. I dont have too many fond memories (except the chasing times) to hold on to. So it is just a matter of not waiting for him to call or ping me. Doable...Will do. Thank you all, once again.
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