letting go is still hard crrr...

[Guest]

I dont know what happen, but yesterday was a bad day. I cried off and on, I thought I was over this feelin. Time has pasted since h has left, it doesnt look like he is ever coming home. Its only been 3 1/2 months. It feels like forever. I have given my h space, but he doesnt seem to notice. I keep thinking things over in my head thinking if I would of done this or that, things would be different. H left because we could not blend our family together, I feel like it was more his fault then mine. I tried very hard to bring everyone together, tried to make everything even, but nothing seemed to matter. His daughter seemed to be his center of attention, what she wanted is what she got, he didnt care about what I wanted or even needed. I hate to say this, but I feel like my marriage came to a end because of her.

 

For the last 3 weeks my h and I have gone on a "date", it feels weird. I do seem to be the one going to him and calling him. When we have been around each other, I cant stop talking about us. After reading others stories I know I am doing things wrong with the no contact, no I love you, etc... But how do I turn off my feelings like that. It is very hard, I am sure everyone knows that. But how do I let go? Anybody that I have talked to says only time well heal. But honestly, I dont know if time is on my side. My h still loves me, at least he tells me, I feel it too when we are together. Thats were I get confused, with all those feelings we should be able to work things out. However, it just doesnt look that way. I guess this goes with the saying, "actions speak louder then words". I am getting to this point that if he doesnt want to work things out, then let me go, I am sure there is someone else out there for me, not that I am looking. I know it would be nice to have someone around to hold me and tell me things are going to be alright. I am just getting lonely. Sometimes I do think of going out and finding a new someone and just have my ways, I dont know why I think this way, because I really do want to work out my marriage. But how do you make a marriage work when the other person in the marriage just doesnt seem to be interested. A matter of fact he seems to like how life is right now. But I dont.

 

Moving forward has been real hard, mainly because I just dont want too be with out him. Its that time of year when families get together for the holidays, and I hate the feeling I have to tell anybody that asks where's your h at. I really dont know what to tell them, "My h left me for no real reason, just because I wasnt going to kiss his daughters butt". That is how I reallly feel. I dont want to stop with the impression I dont like or love my step daughter, because I do like, love and care very much for her. I pray that she might realize I wasnt against her and that I was for her and wanted to give her a better life that she never had. Her biggest problem is she did not like change, she lived her way with her mom care free, go where ever, skip school whenever, eat dinner when ever (in my house when dinner is on the table its time to eat, she would wait until everyone was done, or say she didnt like what I made). The biggest problem I had was she would stay in her room most of the time and to be honest I just didnt trust her. I dont know what I am suppose to do? This moving forward is hard, especially when I look back and he isnt there.