can a guy's feelings change from wanting to date to friends?

[Jenn]

Okay, so the story begins with me going to college in another state. My room-mate introduced me to her friend, and he and I started to date. Later on in the relationship I started to notice this girl that is calling his cell phone a lot. I get upset everytime she does. And he tells me that she is just a good friend. I can see where he is coming from because at one time I had a guy friend that I was really close to, almost like a brother. I tried to not let this bother me, but I just couldn't stop thinking about it. He doesn't tell me what he feels, he doesn't tell me what is on his mind. Basically he doesn't open up to me at all. He goes to her with all of his problems. And to think we are supposed to me living together in August.

 

Well, I was talking to my room-mate and she told me that he had a crush on this girl last year. And if it wasn't for her having a boyfriend and if he (my boyfriend) wasn't graduating that year, that they would have dated. I got really mad because he didn't bother to tell me this bit of information. And now we are fighting because he doesn't see that, that information was important!!! I just don't know what to do about this. Can someone help me please!!

[Tony T]

What is the point of the argument? He didn't tell you this information and now you know it. He didn't feel it was important to tell you, you felt is was important to tell you. You both have your opinions on the subject and you need to respect that, not argue about it.

 

Now, if you want him to think like you, you can go to a surgeon and have brain matter of each of you transplanted to the other and see if that works. Otherwise, cut the arguments.

 

Rather than argue, decide if you want a boyfriend who's values and opinions are as his is. If not, break up. If so, shut up.

 

I personally think he's a sneak and not trustworthy. If I were a female, I wouldn't want to date a guy like that. But I certainly wouldn't argue with him. I'd just move on down the road.

 

Arguing does not change a sneak.

[midori]

Arguing does not change a sneak.

Even if your guy isn't setting out to deceive you, there is deception going on. He may well be kidding himself: that he & this girl are just close friends, that he's over his crush on her, that he's not using you. At the end of the day she wields more influence in his world than you do. No matter what he says -- or believes. You know it, otherwise you wouldn't be unsettled by his friendship with her.

 

I don't know what you're going to do, but in your shoes I'd be walking out the door -- but I'd want him to understand why. I'd say, "look, I want a mutually intimate relationship, and that's not happening with you because your primary emotional attachment is to someone else. Sorry it didn't work out." Don't accuse him of anything, and don't jump to any conclusions like, "I know you love her, and you've been lying to me." Just state what you know: he's not oriented toward you, and you want someone who is. You've probably got a pretty good idea of WHY he's distracted and not engaging with you, but you don't know for sure what's going on (he might not either). It's not his having a friendship with another woman that's the problem, it's the fact that the friendship detracts from his ability to connect with you. Who wants that?

 

Good luck.

[JustaGuy]

Even if your guy isn't setting out to deceive you, there is deception going on. He may well be kidding himself: that he & this girl are just close friends, that he's over his crush on her, that he's not using you. At the end of the day she wields more influence in his world than you do. No matter what he says -- or believes. You know it, otherwise you wouldn't be unsettled by his friendship with her. I don't know what you're going to do, but in your shoes I'd be walking out the door -- but I'd want him to understand why. I'd say, "look, I want a mutually intimate relationship, and that's not happening with you because your primary emotional attachment is to someone else. Sorry it didn't work out." Don't accuse him of anything, and don't jump to any conclusions like, "I know you love her, and you've been lying to me." Just state what you know: he's not oriented toward you, and you want someone who is. You've probably got a pretty good idea of WHY he's distracted and not engaging with you, but you don't know for sure what's going on (he might not either). It's not his having a friendship with another woman that's the problem, it's the fact that the friendship detracts from his ability to connect with you. Who wants that? Good luck.