orangele Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 I have been divorced for 2 1/2 years. I was the one who wanted the divorce after my Ex-wife showed me she was an unbelievably selfish person. The marriage could have been saved, at least short-term, by an apology, and an effort on her part to change. The irony of it is that she was the one to show me anger and resentment when she showed no effort to save it. Immediately after the divorce I still had good memories of the marriage because the great majority of it was good. The past 2 1/2 years, have made me not only stop liking my ex, but actually find her basically repulsive as a human being. She was ugly, abusive, and of course selfish after the divorce. She has worked to attempt to restrict access to my son, by moving as far away as possible; of course this is another story still ongoing in court. I remember soon after the divorce, my Ex giving me pictures of our wedding, and I had a very sad feeling since I believed she must have felt something good about the marriage too, or she would have thrown them away. I basically put them away. When I come across pictures now taken during our marriage, I no longer have a good feeling about them. My feelings have been tainted with how she has acted since the divorce. I am now considering throwing all these pictures away. Perhaps this is a step in my life in basically moving on from the ugliness and pain of the divorce and what followed. Still I know my marriage did have quite a few years where things were good. What do others think.
kjl933 Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Bad move. Like her or not (and I am in your same position--I really do not like my ex as a person now but we tolerate one another for the kids) she is a part of your life, and more importantly your kids' mother. Sure put them away and if you want, give them to your kids when they are old enough, but this is your and their history. I still have my wedding pictures and there is still one displayed in my house. Not for any longing or pining for her, but it is a grou shot and several members of my family that were in that photo have since died. Do not be selfish and think about the legacy you are entrusted to leave to your kiddos! Always take the high road. It may cost you more money, more time, and more aggravation, but you will be happier in the end. Let her play you against the kids--it might make for a bad few years, but they are NOT dumb and they know a lot more than you give them credit for. They will see what is happening.
Author orangele Posted October 16, 2006 Author Posted October 16, 2006 Thanks Kjl; I never even thought about the fact that my son my like to see these one day. You really have given me a new perspective which makes the decision simple. Thanks!
everlong Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 here is a really crazy idea... u know all that negative energy you have right now towards her? it is really distorting your mind...she is not ugly...did you find her attractive when u started dating her? these are just hurt feelings...and u know what? there is nothing u can do to change what she did or the past right? so, you have two choices - fill yer heart with hurt and pain - which will stay there a long time and actually hinder u in yer next relationship or you can remember the good stuff, and i agree about getting rid of reminders of her while you go thru this but indstead of doing something distructive [because that way you are beginning to have a learned behaviour pattern and wilol react the same way if it happens again] why not do something really crazy...like take all the stuff you have our her and put it in a nice box then do the same with yours and go out to a lake or pond and make a paper latern boat, with candles place the boxes on the 'ship' and let it drift away [and if u wanna add a bit of destructive power - as it floats away u can try sinking it by throwing rocks at it] s that making you
kjl933 Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Everlong--he had been divorced 2.5 years---so it is not recent. His use of "ugly" was probably more of a personality descriptor than a physical descriptor. Orange--one other piece of advice going forward. Do not ever take the position of "it was a mistake from the beginning" or "I never should have married her". I cringe when I hear similar statements. There was something at one point in time that drew you to each other. Do not deny or refute that. You need to accept that the circumstances changed (for whatever reason) and the very things that drew you are no longer there or as strong. Sad, yes, but a reality of life. I have found in dating women post divorce, that #1 they do not want to hear all the old ex-wife stories all the time. But, they do want the story to be told so they can check you out. If you are dissing your Ex, they see that as how you are. I am honest if asked as to what happened and always tell them to stop when they have enough. As far as background goes unsolicited, "I have been divorced for 5 years and unfortunately things did not work out as planned, but we have a couple of fantastic kids that we both parent, and we are actually better friends now than when we were married. We are able to put our personal differences aside and work together for the sake of the kids." That typically will give the lowdown on my situation. If they ask more, fine, I will tell, but ..... Just a pointer or two!
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