Confuggled_one Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Hey Guys, if you guys need a background check: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=949440#post949440 I really need to talk and let out my thoughts, for I just got out of a rather destructive relationship, and is having a hard time coping. I miss my girl so much. It's her gonna be her birthday pretty soon. I remember last year when i spent her bday with her, she told me it was the best birthday she ever had. I wonder if she will have more fun this year. I miss being around her, hearing her laugh, gazing into her beautiful eyes. I miss everythign about her, but she doesnt want to be with me at this point of time. She keeps telling me that people like her... but she cant be with anyone right now because im still in her heart. why did she tell me this? i dont understand. I really wanted to marry this girl and take care of her.. however i believe she has BPD and always treated the ones who cared about her extremely bad. what should i do? Could someone give me a suggestion about what to do? it's been 4 days feeling extremely gloomy and depressed. I have also had constant dreams about her... which might i add.. is not helping one bit in the healing process. I know i shouldnt be too hopeful for this relationship.. but deep down i have a feeling we will be together. last week everyone insisted on her not coming.. but she came and gripped my hand so hard. she still loves me, and i know she does. what should i do? please give me support, becausei really need it now. should ijust move on? please read my other thread to see how she treated me. thank you
everlong Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 "however i believe she has BPD and always treated the ones who cared about her extremely bad. what should i do?" well, you could read up as much as possible on bpd and see if there is anything that will assist you and her navigate thru the rough times. make sure she is taking her meds and seeing a shrink. that she has a support group that is knowlegable on this condition and there to help her. and lastly, do things that will help her not push fer away.
Author Confuggled_one Posted October 16, 2006 Author Posted October 16, 2006 Hey Everlong, Thanks for your reply.. however, she does not want to be with me nor does she think she is insane. She thinks i am the one who is crazy.. and i need help.. so i dont know what to do.
SurvivingHB Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 I am going through the same thing and currently seeing a psych regularly. here is something you should know about being with a BPD. Got this from wiki (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder). We as the counter-BPD will go through the following emotions. The "counter-Borderline", on the other hand, not only reacts to and integrates the Borderline style, but reflects it, as well. This individual is the most negatively affected by his/her relationship to the Borderline personality. Very often, this person will begin to behave in a manner very similar to a person with a Borderline personality. This type of relationship is very treacherous and, when talking about chaotic relationships with Borderline personalities, this is the sort of situation to which most people are referring. This type of relationship often leaves the NonBP questioning his/her own sanity, and the "emotional hangover" of such a relationship can take a considerable amount of time from which to recover. I don't know if you should wait for her or not, but I think you should try to get yourself back to who you are. You need to be emotionally healthy before you can decided if this relationship is good for you. Hope you get better.
Author Confuggled_one Posted October 16, 2006 Author Posted October 16, 2006 Thanks SHB... I am trying to find myself as of now.. but i am having a hard time because i really do miss her.. sometimes i read some threads and people say that if i give her NC she will not miss me and not want to come back. I want to help her become a healthy individual.. but im not as powerful as i am before, and i dont know if ic an take it anymore.. but thanks for your quote and link. i think they are both very true.. thanks again.. i hope you get better as well
SurvivingHB Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 I am getting a bit better day after day. It is still hard, but I know that it will all pass. We will just have to stay strong and keep up with the good work.
Author Confuggled_one Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 surviving: thanks.. could i ask you a question?: has your ex ever come back to find oyu? what was your dealio? does she tell you she wants to be with you at one point and change her mind? does she play mind games with you too? do you miss her and still want to be with her and does she contact you occasionally?
D-Lish Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 It's noble that you want to help this woman... but maybe the person you need to be looking after right now is yourself. Do you really see yourself spending the rest of your life with someone who treats you this way? The best thing you can do is realize your own self worth- like yourself enough to want more from a relationship than an unstable person who makes you feel like crap about yourself. A person who would rather blame you than recognize and work on her own flaws. Don't let her do this to you anymore. She pushes and pulls and controls- it's a battle you just can't win. But you can choose not to engage in it anymore. Make that choice- deal with the grief- then move forward. Otherwise you're going to let her drag you down with her. D
Author Confuggled_one Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 D-lish: I have read your other response to other threads, and some threads you started. i must say you give very great suggestions/help as well.. you seem to gone through a lot yourself.. are you feeling better? I know i choose to do this.. and i really want to move on.. and i know if me and my ex were meant to be we would be together later on.. it's just weird how my depression has creeped back to me recently.. it's really starting to irritate me. thank you for your advice... ill try to do it.. any suggestions on the birthday? I know if i dont say happy bday to her she will get extremely hurt.. so you all suggest i completely ignore her till i see her in preson again? thanks again
everlong Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 "Hey Everlong, Thanks for your reply.. however, she does not want to be with me nor does she think she is insane. She thinks i am the one who is crazy.. and i need help.. so i dont know what to do." no probs cons... oh man...as soon as i read what u said...i had a flashback! lol first of all, saying someone has a mental illness is not saying they are insane! most things are treatable. heck people without disabilities make up the minority in this big ol world..i even have a few of my own, but because i discovered then, accepted them as real, and actually found ways to have them not even be a factor - just shows that its not the end of the world..way worst thing in life. however, and please listen because i hate to break this to u, when she thinks of u that way...its done. same deal happened with me. that was a huge part of my decision to get out of the game. there is absolutely nothing you can do when they see u that way. trust me i know. chalk it up to lesson learns budddy. good luck
Shovelack Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 "Hey Everlong, Thanks for your reply.. however, she does not want to be with me nor does she think she is insane. She thinks i am the one who is crazy.. and i need help.. so i dont know what to do." no probs cons... oh man...as soon as i read what u said...i had a flashback! lol first of all, saying someone has a mental illness is not saying they are insane! most things are treatable. heck people without disabilities make up the minority in this big ol world..i even have a few of my own, but because i discovered then, accepted them as real, and actually found ways to have them not even be a factor - just shows that its not the end of the world..way worst thing in life. however, and please listen because i hate to break this to u, when she thinks of u that way...its done. same deal happened with me. that was a huge part of my decision to get out of the game. there is absolutely nothing you can do when they see u that way. trust me i know. chalk it up to lesson learns budddy. good luck Dude, maybe you DO need some help. Tell her you'll get it and see if she'll wait for you. If not, you've got to start to get over her. Move on. Face facts. etc. etc. etc. We've all been there.
SurvivingHB Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 He did tell me that he missed me alot, but he does not love me or want to be with me. He told me he knew that he is throwing away something very precious and someone very special, but he just could not love me back. Well, he was always cold and hot. He would say that he loved me tremendously in one day and told me that he did not love me the next day. I would think about him all the time. I wondered how he was doing and what he was doing... However, I don't want to in such an unhealthy relationship any more. I want to get better and be myself again. I think we all need to step back and think about ourselves abit. I have started planning for the upcoming holidays and feeling happier that I am doing things for myself. Try this and hope it gets her off your mind for a while.
everlong Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 hey shove it...opssy was that ;YOU DO comment directed for me? if so, how in the world would u be able to make a judgement call based on one freaking posting? weird and i didn't say what i was talking about and trust me shoves..when there is work to be done. i do it. read some of my previous posts - then come on back and we have a quick game of hoops...winner decides the penalty chillax dudette
D-Lish Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Well C.O.... In regards to the birthday- maybe you have to ask yourself why you are so concerned about "hurting" her if you don't acknowledge it. So, let's lay this on the table... She is the one who has hurt you- why would you feel obligated to wish her happy birthday? Honestly? I wouldn't do it. That is exactly what she expects you to do. If you do the opposite of what she expects- you will get her attention right? I know from experience- that there is more impact in silence than in persistence when it comes to an ex. I didn't even realize how much I cared, or expected the feelings of love that arose when my ex cut off all contact with me. It has left me with a sense of longing that I can't seem to shake. Not acknowledging the b-day WILL HAVE AN IMPACT. Trust me on that. It's not up to you to be nice and accomodating to her needs right now.... Dee
Shovelack Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 hey shove it...opssy was that ;YOU DO comment directed for me? if so, how in the world would u be able to make a judgement call based on one freaking posting? weird and i didn't say what i was talking about and trust me shoves..when there is work to be done. i do it. read some of my previous posts - then come on back and we have a quick game of hoops...winner decides the penalty chillax dudette ...no, it was meant for whoever wrote this: "Hey Everlong, Thanks for your reply.. however, she does not want to be with me nor does she think she is insane. She thinks i am the one who is crazy.. and i need help.. so i dont know what to do." But now that you mention it, you do seem tense...I mean "shove it opssy"? Come on pal, take a valium...
Author Confuggled_one Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 Dude, maybe you DO need some help. Tell her you'll get it and see if she'll wait for you. If not, you've got to start to get over her. Move on. Face facts. etc. etc. etc. We've all been there. lol shovelack: i did get help and i know i myself have problems. i have a problem with codependency and a few other things.. i have been seein a psych so dun worry lol.. i wont accuse the relationship's failure completely on her.. and i know i myself contributed to many of her actions.. if i had drew lines earlier, maybe this wouldnt have happened. but thanks for your suggestion.. anyways i think im mature enough to accept my flaws and to fix them.. and ill admit, i still need help.. so thanks again
Author Confuggled_one Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 "Hey Everlong, Thanks for your reply.. however, she does not want to be with me nor does she think she is insane. She thinks i am the one who is crazy.. and i need help.. so i dont know what to do." no probs cons... oh man...as soon as i read what u said...i had a flashback! lol first of all, saying someone has a mental illness is not saying they are insane! most things are treatable. heck people without disabilities make up the minority in this big ol world..i even have a few of my own, but because i discovered then, accepted them as real, and actually found ways to have them not even be a factor - just shows that its not the end of the world..way worst thing in life. however, and please listen because i hate to break this to u, when she thinks of u that way...its done. same deal happened with me. that was a huge part of my decision to get out of the game. there is absolutely nothing you can do when they see u that way. trust me i know. chalk it up to lesson learns budddy. good luck ya you're right.. ill take this as a lesson.. i hung out with a friend from high skoo today and went to the gym.. that cleared up my mind a lil and made me feel better.. my friends asked me to go to SF with them.. maybe it's nto a bad idea, right? haha
Author Confuggled_one Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 He did tell me that he missed me alot, but he does not love me or want to be with me. He told me he knew that he is throwing away something very precious and someone very special, but he just could not love me back. Well, he was always cold and hot. He would say that he loved me tremendously in one day and told me that he did not love me the next day. I would think about him all the time. I wondered how he was doing and what he was doing... However, I don't want to in such an unhealthy relationship any more. I want to get better and be myself again. I think we all need to step back and think about ourselves abit. I have started planning for the upcoming holidays and feeling happier that I am doing things for myself. Try this and hope it gets her off your mind for a while. Thanks for your suggestions.. i will def. try to plan things.. but it's difficult cause our monthly anniversary is coming up (I usually treat her to dinner or buy her gifts every month when it hits the 21st... sigh i really miss those days.. but i think she'll miss em more. she msged me last month tellin me "happy anniversary.. when it wasnt even our anniversary anymroe cause we broke up. but ya.. too bad for her. and thanks for your suggestion once again
Author Confuggled_one Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 Well C.O.... In regards to the birthday- maybe you have to ask yourself why you are so concerned about "hurting" her if you don't acknowledge it. So, let's lay this on the table... She is the one who has hurt you- why would you feel obligated to wish her happy birthday? Honestly? I wouldn't do it. That is exactly what she expects you to do. If you do the opposite of what she expects- you will get her attention right? I know from experience- that there is more impact in silence than in persistence when it comes to an ex. I didn't even realize how much I cared, or expected the feelings of love that arose when my ex cut off all contact with me. It has left me with a sense of longing that I can't seem to shake. Not acknowledging the b-day WILL HAVE AN IMPACT. Trust me on that. It's not up to you to be nice and accomodating to her needs right now.... Dee D-lish: Thanks for your suggestion yet again. that is extremely right. ill let her feel the impact of me not being around anymore. but i want to be a nice guy.. just leave her a small comment.... but then again i guess it really isnt worth it.. she has been extremely nice to me lately.. talkin to me casually whenever i don tblock her.. but ya.. maybe it's time just to let her deal with the silence and let her see that most people arent nice. i think she was seeing this guy.. and that guy was demanding something outta her so she became more desperate towards me.. but im not a safety net no more.. so ya.. thanks again for your comment
Author Confuggled_one Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 [/i] ...no, it was meant for whoever wrote this: "Hey Everlong, Thanks for your reply.. however, she does not want to be with me nor does she think she is insane. She thinks i am the one who is crazy.. and i need help.. so i dont know what to do." But now that you mention it, you do seem tense...I mean "shove it opssy"? Come on pal, take a valium... it's just a misunderstanding.. i think if you anyone said that to you then you'd be kinda offended too.. but let's not flame eachother okay? kthxbai GUYS. HELP.. SHE KEEPS BEIN REAL NICE TO ME ON HER MYSPACE AND SHE PUT ONE PIX OF US ON THERE.. IS SHE STILL PLAYIN A GAME.. OR WHAT?
D-Lish Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 CO: The girl is tugging at your heart strings because you're a nice guy. Her being nice to you for the time being surely can't make up for everything else she's done. Don't fall for it. No comment on her birthday- nothing...nada. narcisists love their own birthdays don't they? hmm. Happy "all about me day". Be strong- don't fall for it- and go hard into NC. Don't just block her- delete her. ignore her when you see her. Impact...that is the key here. think about what makes her tick- it's attention right? What will happen if she stops getting your attention? There's a difference between being a doormat and a nice guy right? DOn't let her walk all over you anymore, she's done enough damage. People can be sweet when they want something or are trying to control something. that doesn't mean they are sweet nice people- only capable of surface moments of it. You're not being a jerk by ignoring her- you're doing something healthy for yourself. You are a nice guy- so you deserve a nice girl. Believe that about yourself. Stop overthinking things so much. Just look after yourself first this time around. If she wants you back- she needs to work her bloody butt off to have you. Why? Because she doesn't deserve you. NC. Impact. Think about those things. You'll be okay- you'll be more than okay once this really mean disturbed girl is out of your heart. Some day you'll meet a really nice girl that completes you rather than makes you miserable....and you'll be thankful and happy you didn't end up with this one. Sorry to be harsh- but I want you to start thinking about you for a change. D-Lish
Author Confuggled_one Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 CO: The girl is tugging at your heart strings because you're a nice guy. Her being nice to you for the time being surely can't make up for everything else she's done. Don't fall for it. No comment on her birthday- nothing...nada. narcisists love their own birthdays don't they? hmm. Happy "all about me day". Be strong- don't fall for it- and go hard into NC. Don't just block her- delete her. ignore her when you see her. Impact...that is the key here. think about what makes her tick- it's attention right? What will happen if she stops getting your attention? There's a difference between being a doormat and a nice guy right? DOn't let her walk all over you anymore, she's done enough damage. People can be sweet when they want something or are trying to control something. that doesn't mean they are sweet nice people- only capable of surface moments of it. You're not being a jerk by ignoring her- you're doing something healthy for yourself. You are a nice guy- so you deserve a nice girl. Believe that about yourself. Stop overthinking things so much. Just look after yourself first this time around. If she wants you back- she needs to work her bloody butt off to have you. Why? Because she doesn't deserve you. NC. Impact. Think about those things. You'll be okay- you'll be more than okay once this really mean disturbed girl is out of your heart. Some day you'll meet a really nice girl that completes you rather than makes you miserable....and you'll be thankful and happy you didn't end up with this one. Sorry to be harsh- but I want you to start thinking about you for a change. D-Lish D-Lish: damn you sound so nice yourself. thanks for all the compliments. i KNOW you are extremely right. damn i sure love talkin to you more Dee.. your suggestion really opens my mind. you are right. impact, nc, and that's all there needs to be done. if she really wants me she has to work for me.. you're right.. thanks so much.. and ya you were a bit harsh on the last comment haha jp it's time to think bout me.. and to gain my self respect back too. thanks again... your words are very encouraging.
Author Confuggled_one Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 Hey guys.. I had trouble sleeping last night. was wondering IF i didnt say happy bday to her.. would i 1) lose my chance of completely getting her back? 2) would she take down all the pix of me from all her websites.. 3) would she just be extremely angry at me? thanks guys.. i know i shouldnt care but this is the only thing that gets to me now
SurvivingHB Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Don't worry about her getting mad or losing the opportunity of getting back with her. If it is meant to be, it is. If it is not, it won't work no matter how good of a person you are. If she gets upset with you not getting her a gift or card, either means that she still cares about you or she cares about the material stuff you gave her. Stay cool and try to plan something fun for yourself on that day. You need to take care of youself first and be happy for youself before worrying about the other ppl.
Author Confuggled_one Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 Thanks SurvivingHB... i guess i should realyl stop.. thinkin bout this last night caused me not bein able to sleep.. urgh. thanks again
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