Hurting So Much Now...Didn't Before

[Guest]

I had been with my partner for 16 yrs. Two years ago I found out he had been having an affair with another woman. I forgave him for this as I stupidly believed it was to do with the death of his mum who had died just over 2 years ago. We were stronger than ever and I thought it was all in the past. He started acting differently 4 months ago and alarm bells instantly started ringing. He was on antidepressants which he had stopped taking so I thought this might have been the reason for the change in his attitude. He had also lost his job as well.

 

I was soon to find out that he had been seeing someone else. That was 12 weeks ago.

 

I took all of his clothes and dumped them in her garden. It felt so good. His previous fling I had found out from an anon phone call. This time I found out myself. Don't know why but it made me feel more in control.

 

For ten weeks I had spoken to and saw him whenever he was round seeing our children. Our kids are 12 and 13yrs old. When he would come round he would say a quick hello to the kids then spend the rest of the time talking to me usually for over an hour at a time. He was very interested in my social life and would tell me all about the woman he is with just now and the problems he had with her. He didn't like the fact that I had admirers either.

 

Now all through the 10 weeks I was adamant that I would never have him back. All I wanted was for him to beg to come home and I was going to tell him NO. The first time he had a fling I was devastated, I thought my heart would never stop hurting. I spent most of my time in my bedroom and very rarely left the house unless it was to go to my friends house for a shoulder to cry on. This time round I felt numb......I felt angry and a little sad but nothing like I did before. My friend, who has been my rock, kept saying how she couldn't believe how well I was coping this time round. I wondered myself but I knew from everything he had been telling me he wanted to be home so I knew my plan for revenge would be soon.

 

Well 10 weeks exactly from the day I dumped his clothes I got a text message saying 'Can I come home to my family?' I thought yeeessssssssssss now is my chance. I told him to come round and we could talk.

 

Stupid mistake.......I ended up letting him back in to my life. He looked and sounded like he was really sorry for everything he had done. He wanted so much to be back home with me and the kids. I believed every single thing that came out of his mouth. I realised that I still loved him very much. I wanted him so badly. We ended up sleeping together. He was with me for 2 days. He left on the 3rd day telling my kids that he was going to collect his things and he was coming home to them and their mum.

 

Well later on that day he did come back but instantly I knew he was staying with her. I went mad.......if I thought for 1 minute that he was not serious about coming home I would never have slept with him again. I told him the only way I could cope was for us to break all ties, don't talk to me, text me, even look at me on the street. I cried so much that I could hardly catch my breath. He told me that he would phone her and tell her it was over and I had to tell him YES or NO. I told him NO because the only reason he was saying this was because of the state I was in.

 

Well that was 2 weeks ago now and I think I have made the worst mistake of my life. I wanted to tell him No before because I didn't think I loved him now I know I really do love him desperately and its killing me to know that he is with her. I have been texting him constantly (wrong move I know) begging him to come back home, bad mouthing her and him in some of them. I realise that what I'm doing is making their bond stronger so I've stopped texting now. My last text though was really nasty and it said that he wasn't worth my time. I want him back so much but I've ruined it. Deserves me right for playing stupid games.

 

I know you probably think why would I want a cheater....honestly I don't know why. All I know is we have shared so much together. We always said we were soulmates and I do believe this. I know him better than he knows himself. Lastly he was mine.

 

Has anyone else been in a similar situation. I need other peoples thoughts and if I'm looking on here I'm not texting him.

[Guest]

Well I went and text him again this morning. I just felt that I had left it in such a way that he would never come near me again. I just apologised for the previous text messages and told him I accepted his decision. I said that I was sorry that we couldn't have sorted things out but thats life.

 

I received a text from him back almost straight away saying that he was sorry for everything two.

 

Even if we are finished for good I feel a sense of relief that he doesn't see me as a raving lunatic at least. I am still hurting like mad but I wont text him again. I hope and pray that he will one day come back to me but for the right reasons and not because things are wrong with his new woman. Maybe by that time I will be over him anyway. It feels like the pain will never end.

[L0stmyl0ve]

[FONT=Tahoma][sIZE=4]I posted the previous message before I registered. So I showed up as a guest.

 

Well I went and text him again this morning. I just felt that I had left it in such a way that he would never come near me again. I just apologised for the previous text messages and told him I accepted his decision. I said that I was sorry that we couldn't have sorted things out but thats life.

I received a text from him back almost straight away saying that he was sorry for everything two.

Even if we are finished for good I feel a sense of relief that he doesn't see me as a raving lunatic at least. I am still hurting like mad but I wont text him again. I hope and pray that he will one day come back to me but for the right reasons and not because things are wrong with his new woman. Maybe by that time I will be over him anyway. It feels like the pain will never end.

[/sIZE][/FONT]

[D-Lish]

He's done terrible things to you and your family. But cheater or not- it's obvious you love him.

 

The still loving him part is probably what makes it so hard for you.

We can't choose who we love- but we can control how we look after ourselves. You don't have the option of NC because you have children together. Again- this makes it harder.

 

I would draw some clear boundaries with him. He can see the kids, but have no contact with you. The sooner he thinks you are moving on- the more he will be forced into making a concrete decision.

 

He's been terrible to you. You needn't feel bad for having angry feelings or a momentary outburst. You certainly don't have to apologize to him for it! He's the one that has caused all this pain!

 

Wait for the anger to come back again- it will help you to heal.

[L0stmyl0ve]

Well I have been trying so desperately hard not to contact my ex partner. I am so angry with myself as before I realised my true feelings for my ex I was going out enjoying myself, not thinking about him or her and I had been thinking of the future for myself and my two children. Now I feel lost and completely alone. Every now and then I have a crying session (as I call them) and I tell myself this is me healing. I don't seem to be able to move on. I feel stuck in limbo.

 

Before my ex partner would come round very often and would talk to me now he hasn't contacted me at all and I haven't seen him either. He has hardly seen his kids apart for 2 minutes in the street when he passed them. He has told a mutual friend that he doesn't know what he wants anymore. He wants to see his kids.....in my eyes he hasn't done a damn thing to show this to them.....he has started taking drugs recreationally which is worrying me severely. He has an addictive personality and I know he will end up seriously ill. 15 years ago he was in a bad way with drugs and managed to kick it all and moved onwards and upwards. He swore he would never take drugs again as he valued his life and he wanted to show his own kids that drugs is never the answer. He just seems to hit the self destruct button and doesn't know when to stop. He thinks that he can control whatever it is he's doing. He knows how much I disagree with drugs.....a lot to do with me watching the way he was all those years ago....I don't judge anyone else on what they do. Its just because i know he has had that many problems in the past. I can't help but worry so much for him. My kids don't know what he is doing. I do not want them visiting his house just now as I have no idea what is going on there. I should say that they haven't asked to see him either. He stays within walking distance from us which angers me too. If we stayed miles away that would give him reason to not be in contact so often.

 

I want to be able to move on but I cant. It is getting so much harder to deal with. I wish I didn't feel this way.

[lolablue]

(((((((((hugs))))))) to you LML.

 

Your hurting right now, understandably... but it will get better, time will make it better.

 

Right now take care of your kids and yourself, you and they deserve that.

 

It will get better... I promise.

 

take care

 

lola

[D-Lish]

From the way you describe this man in your post- it seems that you already know he's not good for you.

 

This man is more concerned about his own "poor me angst" than his own children? That's such a shame- he'll miss out, and his children will end up resenting him.

 

Your best revenge is to be visibly happy and confident~ whether you feel that way or not. Tell your friends and neighbours~ anyone who will listen, that you are much happier, and excited about moving on. Word will get back to him, and it will stir him up.

 

D

[L0stmyl0ve]

Thank you so much for your replies. It really does help to hear from other people and their opinions. Yes you are very right D-Lish I do know he is no good for me. It is so hard to explain why I still want and love him.

 

His mum used to always say that I was the best thing to ever happen to him. She had said to me that she had got to see her son making a good life for himself and he had grown into a great father and decent man, before she died. He was a real rebellious child and put his mother through the mill with a lot of his antics.

 

With the two of us we were like chalk and cheese, we would bounce of each other. We shared a lot of common interests as well. He had told me the couple of days that he came back that the o/w had nothing in common with him, he couldn't talk to her the way he could with me, lying in bed they didn't snuggle up together (this is one of the things I miss so much). He told me a lot of things that make me wonder why on earth would he stay with her. Now I know from speaking to a friend who has been in a similar situation, that they will tell you what you want to hear. I know this but I knew from the way he was telling me that it wasn't lies, he was talking honestly with me.

 

My gut instinct is telling me if I had said "yes" the day he left, he would be back home now. His last words to me were, "You're gonna enjoy watching me hurting now. You know I love you and I'm so sorry for what I've done to you." The only person I see hurting now is myself. My kids are hurting to but not showing it much other than a few snide comments about their dad. The o/w has 3 children of her own, my kids and I know from previous relationships she has been in, her kids take on the man's surname and the youngest ends up calling them Dad. And now he is playing dad to them. One of her kids goes on the same school bus that my eldest goes on and she says that the kid is wearing her dad's clothes. I know this maybe sounds petty but my daughter liked some of her dad's clothes. She had asked if she could wear them before. It's not fair that he is doing this to my kids. He doesn't seem to have a paternal bone in his body....well for his own anyway. I can't understand some men being like this.

 

I am desperately trying to keep things together just now. My fear is he will show his face nearer Xmas. I really don't want him to as I know this will mess with my head even more. For the first time ever I have managed to get my kids presents well before xmas and he knows this. He had said that he didn't think he could get them anything so I had told him he could pay for half whenever he could afford it....this was when we were talking to each other.

 

Sorry for going on again. I just get so wound up about everything. Thanks for reading and for your comments.

[L0stmyl0ve]

Well I text him yesterday. I have been struggling for money (I'm living on enough to survive). Well the past week or so I've been really worrying about Christmas and how I'm meant to get things for my children when I'm just getting by on what I have. He is on benefits but I found out he has a side job. The o/w is also working and claiming to be living alone.

 

I asked him for money yesterday....told him I had no gas, no money for school dinners and Xmas was just round the corner. He phoned me telling me that he is not ignorant and he was planning on giving me £30 to help. He said that this was the first time that he had a job since he's been away. I found out from a reliable sorce later on yesterday that he is making between £400 and £600 a week as well as collecting his benefits. I am raging....he is making all that money and he can only give me £30. My friend said that £30 is better than nothing. I have had no maintenance from him at all. It just makes me so mad that he is swanning about and my kids are going without.

 

I broke crying today in front of my youngest. I needed milk and she wanted a sweet at the shop. I couldn't even give her that. I have visions at Xmas of him giving the kids loads of things and the only thing I have for them is the stuff I bought ages ago which is their main present each. I know my kids understand that I cant afford much but at the same time it makes me feel so bad that I know their dad could make their Xmas better.