Needing HIM or Needing ANYONE? + What is "Truly" Loving Someone?

[leopardprint]

So if anyone has been reading my posts, you know how devistated I've been over my recent break up. I was with my S.O. for 2 1/2 years, and he broke it up 4-5months ago because "he needed time" to "find himself". During these months, we have not gone to visit one another (it was an LDR of 2,000+ miles), yet we would still talk on the phone, every night, for hours. We'd still spend weekends together on the phone, etc. He still told me he loved and cared about me, and didn't want me out of his life because I was his best friend and he also wanted to "be there" for me.

 

During this whole time I have done my best to show him I loved him, and asked many times for a second chance; each time he told me he wasn't sure. He didn't want to make a mistake; he was scared of lossing me, but he was scared of us not working if we tried again. This weekend, after I confessed all my deep deep feelings for him, he said he was not ready for a relationship with anyone. He said he needs time to better himself, and he wants me to do the same with myself. He's still my bestfriend, loves me, cares about me, and doesn't want to stop talking.

 

That's the short of it.

 

I have no idea what to do anymore. I love him to death, and I want the things we had both wanted in the past; a future together. I want to try my hardest to be anything he needs and do anything he wants. It makes me happy to make him happy, it makes me happy to be there for him as a friend, a significant other, and lover, and it makes me happy to be with him. I was fine before I met him, and I know I'll be fine without him, but that's not the point - he IS my bestfriend and I DO love him and I DO want him in my future as my significant other.

 

 

 

Now here's the question.

 

I'm scared that my emotions and depression over all of this are getting to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm bothering him, and sometimes I feel like he just wants me to leave him alone. Sometimes I get scared of his time away, as if he's seeing someone else, etc. Everytime I bring this up, he tells me to stop worrying myself because none of it is true. The other night he told me he WANTS me to come to him, and it's ok to tell him anything, because he wants to help me and be there for me. He says I don't bother him or upset him. I asked if I'm preventing him from "bettering himself", and he said no. But still, I don't know if I'm just panicing and thinking the worse of things because I'm scared of lossing him totally, or if I really am pushing him away.

 

On the other hand, I can't stop thinking about how amazingly happy I was with him, and sometimes I convince myself that maybe it wasn't just him, but maybe I'm just generally happy being with someone. I'm scared out of my mind because I don't want that to be true. Sometimes I can't help but want to meet someone else, RIGHT NOW, so I can not fall asleep alone anymore, and so I can be held and I can love someone who loves me completely back. I want to WANT to be with someone and I want them to WANT me too.

 

But then I jump back to, that I ONLY want that with HIM and no one else.

 

 

I'm not sure what to do... Should I be leaving him forever, and looking for someone else, or should I just be there as a friend and hope he sees me for who I am again?

 

My mother mentioned to me the other day, that if someone TRULY, truly loved you, they would want to be with you no matter what, through anything and everything. I don't want to be idealistic about love anymore, or make up romantic fairytale theories on it. Do you think if two people do REALLY love one another, that they can find themselves together once again even after a breakup? Do you think he might truly love me, and at the same time, honestly need time to find and better himself? Or is it, if he truly loved me, he would want to be with me and include me in bettering himself again?

 

Do I wait and see, supress my feelings for him and stop telling him even when he says I can confine in him, even when my heart still longs for him and I want to be with him, while just remaining his friend and being there for him in this confusing time for him? Or do I ship off, and do NC, in either hopes of getting him to see what it's REALLY like without me, or in hopes of getting over this pain and moving on, or in an attempt to meet someone else?

[shawn_68]

My mother mentioned to me the other day, that if someone TRULY, truly loved you, they would want to be with you no matter what, through anything and everything.

 

I think your mother is a wise woman. If he loved you he WOULD want to make this work. His excuses are just that ... excuses. There are designed to keep you just where he has you, getting exactly what he wants, without giving you what you want.

 

I think you're better off showing this guy what life IS like without you.

[JosiePosie]

I agree with Shawn. As you can see, maintaining contact is only making yourself feel miserable. I am concerned by your word "needing". You don't NEED anyone. You are suffering from withdrawl in terms of having this person in your life, even if it was a LDR. Everyone goes through the panicky, I-can't-live-without-you feeling. But it passes. I was there and know the experience. I got over it and so will you.

 

For your own sanity, I suggest that you leave this man. NO CONTACT. Go through the pain and as each month passes, you will heal more and more. Time heals but what you do during that time makes the difference. The last time I went through a bad breakup, I dove into my spirituality and culture. It took a few months but my confidence came back. I travelled, I sought counselling when needed, I made new friends, cried my heart out when needed...I was determined to heal.

 

I met a man who is everything that I have wanted. I am taking my time with him and he treats me with great respect and care. It is the first adult, drama-free relationship for me. And I believe that him coming into my life is a reflection of the amount of healing I have done.

 

It is hard to do but you must let go of this man and live for yourself.

[kandi r]

Hey there I was reading your thread and you are going through exactly what I am going through except for the talking on the phone part. My ex kicked me out after a big fight we had. If you look back in my threads under seperation and divorce you can understand me. I truley love this man with every last breath I have. It made me so sad that he did not care to stick by me because I got out of control with my mouth. I never cheated but just mouthy and he hated it. I tried to control it but it did not work so I am in counseling once a week for it.

 

He told me he needed time. Me being so desperate to get him back I kept calling like crazy. Asking him if he needed anything I was here for him. Last week he let me come over for like an hour. Now this week. He is telling me to leave him alone. For that it is over and never again. I realized calling him to much did this. I am more shattered than ever. My heart hurts so bad I could die. I know it is still a fresh break up but if I could turn back time I would do it right the second time. I asked him could we have dinner this friday the 20th of oct.

 

He says I dont know. He has an interview this wed for a job that is going to pay him much more. He now tells me if he does not get the job it will forever be over. I love him so much I want him back I want to go home. He tells me to stop calling his work and never to come over. I realized I was fighting a battle I can not win alone. Your mother is right If someone loves you they would want to go through good and bad times together. Sometimes I don't get love,but what I come to realize hun is love is painful when you loose it, but it does make you stronger.

 

I suggest you let time get a hold of you. I know for the first week all i would do is cry and sleep I didn't eat because I couldn't. I know my heart still aches for him just to welcome me home but wishing and hoping is just getting no where. If my ex wanted me back he would take me back. I am trying to cope and soon I want to go out because I am dying inside being alone and heartbroken. I hate the fact that he may or may not be seeing someone. It frightens me so much. I know though he knows I love him and that is all I can do for now.

 

I told him I love him and I want a second chance he knows that much. For him giving in only he knows. You and me are going through the same thing. Its so hard I know and as I am writting this I am crying. I wish life was easier at times. just take a deep breath and be thankful your alive and try to move on. just try.

[leopardprint]

Thank you everyone for your responses, and for the ones who have PMed me about this thread.

 

I am concerned by your word "needing". You don't NEED anyone. You are suffering from withdrawl in terms of having this person in your life, even if it was a LDR. Everyone goes through the panicky, I-can't-live-without-you feeling. But it passes. I was there and know the experience. I got over it and so will you.

 

You know, after I posted the thread, I realized I had put the words "NEED" in the title, and that's not at all what I meant. Trust me, I definitely know I do not NEED him, or any man, to fullfill my life, but I will not lie when I say it's something I want and something I enjoy very much, sharing my life and myself with another.

 

I guess what I meant was, after all these months, I'm wondering if I'm still feeling I want HIM in my life, or if it's just that I want SOMEONE in my life. I've always wanted him to be "it", but it's been almost 5 months since the break up, and I've been so hurt, I'm just not sure what to want, feel, do, or believe anymore.

 

t made me so sad that he did not care to stick by me because I got out of control with my mouth. I never cheated but just mouthy and he hated it. I tried to control it but it did not work so I am in counseling once a week for it.

 

kandi, you sound sorta like me. I come from a very loud and "opinionated" family, while he comes from a very calm, relaxed family. My family likes to argue, A LOT, but I've grown to learn to not take offense from it because it's just the way they speak to one another; like it's something ok to do.

 

However, when I got into my late teens, I learned to HATE that style of life, and when I moved out of my parents' home, and lived on my own in the big city, I felt I had kept my family's strength, but had lost the "mouthy", arguementive style. I found myself those years on my own, and felt so much more comfortable. I was so proud of myself. For years I went without a single fight, without any yelling; it felt good for my soul.

 

But with him, I don't know what happened. Our last year together, it all came back. As much as I hated doing that with my family, I started being like that with him, and I didn't even realize. I never wanted to be like that, ESPECIALLY with HIM. I think the last year we were together, I was dealing with so much and with my father much more than usual, and I think that's what brought it all back.

[leopardprint]

I hope they don't mind, but I'd like to share a piece of what another member PMed me. I was so touched, and it's really opened my eyes to some things. Thought I'd share incase it does the same for someone else in my potision, or incase anyone would like to say anything in response to it.

 

...but honestly you can't wait forever. It sounds like you have given him so much more time than he deserves. The biggest problem is this - you can never truly trust that person again.

 

My best wishes go out to you. Try to smile. You have done an amazing thing - loved when you are really getting no love in return. But you can't do it forever. So, in my book, you are an amazing human being.

 

On a side note, I've been having dreams about him (good and bad), and OTHER ex's, alot more recently. Last night was the worst.

 

Most of the dream was weird (underwater hotel (or maybe it was a college?), baby Orca whale bitting off my finger, etc.! lol), but at the end, he was waiting for me in some lobby, and I ran up to him and threw myself into his arms, crying about my day (the whale bitting off my finger and no one knowing what to do or helping me and such!). And as he held me, he squeezed me and said, "I love you... Forever and ever, always and always and always."

 

I remember, in my dream, him taking my breath away and realizing it was a dream, and I squeezed my eyes shut hard because it felt so real and I didn't want to wake up.

 

Then I did.

 

 

 

Blah, I don't want to dream about him anymore.

[krittal67]

Seems like you and I have a lot in common....the guy I have been with for the last year and half....is a lot like yours...I give and give and get nothing in return...we work together...I work in the office and he works in the factory...and I stood by him when he was injured @ work and was being treated unfairly, went to Dr. appts. w/him risk my job being a singel mother because I believed he was being treated unfairly...my boss, but when it came to me oh well.... He now keeps me on a string because he has filed suit against our company, which I still believe in what he is doing there, but keeping me on a string is a good thing if you know what I mean. I could really mess things up for him!

 

I was recently diagnosed to have precancerous cells, and he wants to be my friend and stand by me through it, but things are so different now between us now and I'm angry with him, he says I'm so angry well...yes I am...I gave and got nothing in return, but he still plays me for the fool that I am. We went from being together almost daily to a few times a week, telling me he needs time to figure out his life he doesn't know how he can ever make a commitment again after 24 yrs. of marriage...but it's not out of the question. I still hang on to every inch of him....and he calls me and tells me he loves me when he hangs up....blah...blah....blah....back to me being angry all the time and being arguementative....I explained to him that I'm like that because he is not being truly honest with me....just to me to go to hell or be with me don't play me for the fool that he has been.

 

I wish you luck in finding your happiness I hope I find mine soon like you I'm scared to death of being alone, I think that is my biggest problem...because I know that he isn't quite what I want....but also not what I don't want......

[leopardprint]

So we finally went NC two nights ago...

 

I don't know - is this really the right thing to do when we BOTH don't want to? Neither of us wanted too, and we both cried. I told him it wasn't something I wanted to do, I told him how absolutely inlove I was with him, but being "just friends" at the moment was killing me - seeing him, talking with him, laughing with him; it all reminded me of the good times and made me miss him and want him more - I'm just too inlove with him.

 

I feel like this is such a mistake. I feel like since this is something we BOTH do NOT want to do, it's going to make things worse.

 

I did have an alright day today and yesterday, actually. I kept myself busy and wasn't thinking about it too much, but by the end of the night, I couldn't help but think about him. I went to bed early to keep myself from being tempted to contact him when he got home from classes. But then I couldn't sleep at all, and awaking at 5am, I saw he was not idle on MSN, and of course, IMed him to see if he couldn't sleep like myself. All I left was, "You're not awake, are you?". His MSN goes idle after the computer hasn't been touched for 10mins, and it must have been a glitch, since he was obviously asleep since he didn't message me back. I feel like such a moron.

 

He messaged me back when he awoke this morning, telling me he was up late drawing away, since he couldn't sleep at all. He also told me to have sweet dreams and to have a good day. I didn't get the message until I checked my computer this afternoon.

 

Why am I always the one to break down and contact? I feel so weak and pathetic. In a way, I don't regret it because I do want to talk to him, and he always answers back, saying it's because he WANTS to hear from me, but I'll admit, I can't help but keep hoping he'll be the one to contact me. He said he didn't want NC, he said he didn't want me out of his life, but I can't tell if he's just respecting me and my wishes of NC or if he really doesn't want to fight for it too much. He tells me he enjoys talking to me, and I am his bestfriend, that he loves and cares for me, but he has never been the one to break NC whenever I put it into effect. He's said he's wanted to but... I don't know.

 

The night we were crying and talking about past good times, he had mentioned, "What if I better myself and get my **** together and... and then realize I made a mistake by letting you go?" I didn't know what to say, as much as I want that to happen, it's always a "what if" with him these past months, and it breaks my heart to keep waiting for something that might never happen. I asked, "If you did find that out, would you break NC and tell me," to which he replied, "Yes..." I told him the truth, that I love him with all my heart and always will. That I would answer that phone call.

 

I want to say I truly love him, and I could wait for the rest of my life for him, but it hurts so much. It's not like he's leaving for a long tearm job assignment, or for the military, or something like that. He left me, and I don't like the feeling of waiting for someone who doesn't want to be with me and might never will.

 

I have so many mixed feelings right now. Any advice?

[silentcharon]

Chin up, it gets easier with time....

[Rooster_DAR]

Just about everyone here giving you advice has been through the same thing, and we have watched people such as yourself post the same problem on this site everyday. Use this site to your advantage, but make you own decisions based on what you think the right thing to do is. I have followed whole heartedly the advice of the LS members and it's been tremendous for me.

 

I really think I would have been going through more torment and depression had I not opened my eyes with the the help of some of the members of this website. Take your time, keep posting and reading and with time things will get much better, I promise.

 

Cheers, and stay strong.

[magichands]

The night we were crying and talking about past good times, he had mentioned, "What if I better myself and get my **** together and... and then realize I made a mistake by letting you go?"

I'm sorry, but this is such a pissweak and sh*tty thing to say!!!! There is nothing in the way of him choosing to love you - whatever "excuses" he may be coming up with. And I'm sure he can even make those excuses sound plausible. But they're not. If you love someone, you don't abandon them to "better" yourself.

 

This is like a dagger through your heart. What if??!! Make your mind up, you idiot! Of course you're making a mistake by letting her (you) go.

 

It's a horrible thing to say, but if he truly loved you he wouldn't be putting you through this crap.

 

And Rooster_DAR has some great words of encouragement. Right on, man!

[AriaIncognito]

I wish i could offer you some awesome advice, but I really can't, as I'm in a similar boat where I am broken up with someone I love. All I can say is, we are here for you. Keep posting. Keep doing as you are doing and keeping busy. Hopefully, it will all work out in the end, whatever is meant to happen. Whether it be him, or someone even greater for you.

 

Jennifer

[leopardprint]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. You guys have been nothing but great, since I do not have friends or family to turn to or who understand what I've been going through.

 

magichands, I hope I'm not making him out to be some horrible, uncaring schmuck. In all honesty, he's always been there for me on every level even after the breakup, with problems in my life other than our relationship. I am his first REAL relationship, so in a way, I can sort of understand if he is scared or confused. However, I have let him know that I am NOT a person who would ever lie or cheat or hurt him in any way. I have let him know how much I love him, etc. I mean, I wish he would learn and grow in the relationship experience subject WITH me, not FROM me.

 

Sometimes I can't understand why I'm hurting so much from all of this. I have had other LTR before him; my first cheated on me with my best friend, my second was with a schizophrenic kid who believed he was a ninja, and my third was with an artsy, rockstar who had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship, and dumped me to get back with her (or so I'm assuming). So I have been hurt and I've been played before. But for some reason with him, I feel like this is so different. I feel like this love is so much more REAL and true than all my other relationships.

 

I can't understand why, if he doesn't really truly love me, can't I just let go? Are my feelings that there is still a deep, "inlove" connection between us for real, or am I just making them up because I'm upset and sad?

[magichands]

I hope I'm not making him out to be some horrible, uncaring schmuck. In all honesty, he's always been there for me on every level even after the breakup, with problems in my life other than our relationship. I am his first REAL relationship, so in a way, I can sort of understand if he is scared or confused. However, I have let him know that I am NOT a person who would ever lie or cheat or hurt him in any way. I have let him know how much I love him, etc. I mean, I wish he would learn and grow in the relationship experience subject WITH me, not FROM me.

I wish I could say that he doesn't know what he's doing to you. Who knows. I guess I didn't, when I was in his position!?

 

But there is no excuse for my behaviour, and there is no excuse for his. I know what I did to my ex. It was beyond cruel.

 

Thank God I got dumped, haha. I didn't deserve such selfless love.