Author rosybifocals Posted October 21, 2006 Author Posted October 21, 2006 im driving myself crazy. i need to talk to him, and he is always so busy. i feel horrible when he does not call. i dont want to talk all day, just 5 sincere minutes. im miserable right now.
everlong Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 well, if this helps at all - speaking from past experiences, when it appeared that i was having trouble managing normal everyday obligations it was during the time i had a deep depression. and i totally trust - people can ask me anything and i would always put my partner first - when i was deeply depressed i couldn't do much of anything and i know that my partner had to shoulder a lot of the weight. and there is nothing i wouldn't talk about , honestly - if u ever want to talk about trust issues and things like that i am there to listen. u should know that if you love him very much, he does the same but you need to manage things and let people know these feelings ok?
Author rosybifocals Posted October 22, 2006 Author Posted October 22, 2006 i certainly feel like i am depressed. i see myself react in situations in ways that i normally would not. i get angry more easily than i used too. everything is more serious. i feel like i need to put someone in their place if they are rude or outspoken. i recognize this only after i do it though. i feel like i just react without really thinking things through. this has been only recently though. i feel horrible if i snap at my boyfriend for something meaningless. i think then he doesnt take the things that are important to me that seriously. i do not like that i do this. i just cannot control it. its not anger or aggression...its just pure bitchyness. i get annoyed and just become a pain in the ass. sometimes, i am angry for justified reasons...but i guess it could become difficult for others to determine when that happens. it only really happens with my boyfriend though...i dont really do it with my friends, roomate, or family that often. maybe i am more comfortable with him? or just my frustration with our situation is becoming unbearable? i just do not like what i am doing to this relationship. i am pushing him away. i dont want to talk to him about this, because he gets really anxious and frustrated anytime i bring up our relationship...which i cannot blame him for, that has been our main topic of conversation recently. i am trying to focus on just being myself and being happy when i am with him...so he actually wants to come to me to relax and not to have to get away from me to do so. it is INCREDIBLY hard to just act normally and control my anger towards him. i love him very much, but obviously nobody is perfect and i have mentioned his flaws before. i want to feel like i am cared for and about...but, it is hard to do so when i am a)nagging him all the time, b)angry/bitchy, c)just plain desperate. i feel pathetic. he knows i love him and he knows that i am attatched to him. sometimes i feel he takes advantage of that when he should be supporting me through this. i am not saying anyone is to blame. i make him do the things he does and he makes me do the things i do. we are in couples therapy to try and balance it out...but after two sessions, i still feel i need more. i have cried during both sessions. i am incredibly emotional. i am extremely attatched to him. he wants me to be the way i was...and i want him to be the way he was. i want to be the way i was, more carefree etc... i do not know how he feels about himself. he agrees that he needs to show me he cares more, but i guess it must be hard if i am always jumping at him for something else. it is so hard to keep my mouth shut. im seriously considering going to a doctor for some antidepressants or antianxiety medication. i do not know which i need, but i feel like i need something. i do not feel like me. i feel bored by everything i do, unless i am talking to him....and sometimes that makes me feel worse if he is busy or cold. im always distracted by this and i just want to live my life again. i love him and want to be with him. i miss myself and i know i need to focus on that right now. i have no idea how to do so...im always in my own world thinking about this. i wish i could talk to him about this...but it only makes things worse. i have to save everything up for that 1 hour a week, and it never feels like enough. i want to give him his space, but i dont feel i can. i am trying so hard. i do not call him, i try not to get angry...it never lasts more than a day or two. something must be wrong with me.
Author rosybifocals Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 i have a huge genetics test tomorrow, that i am completely unable to study for. i cannot concentrate on anything. i went home this weekend to see my family, and they all keep asking me whats wrong. my mom knows the situation and tries to help, but i hate that this is all i can talk/think about. i feel like i am going insane.
Author rosybifocals Posted November 7, 2006 Author Posted November 7, 2006 nobody has really responded to this in a while, but i still feel horrible. its been a couple weeks. im still fighting to end my insecurity. trying to see things from his point of view, but at the same time i have so many expectations that are hard to get rid of. i feel he owes me so much and it's really hard for me to put that behind me and move on a more positive path. i am extremely analytical of everything he does, i am trying not to express it as much though. i need to stop thinking about everything and just relax. i cant concentrate on my work, im wallowing into a slump that affects me and the people i love. my mom has noticed a change in my usual upbeat personality, i am probably affecting my boyfriend the same way as well. i feel completely and utterly pathetic...i see what i am doing...i dont feel like i can change it. i hate this.
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