rosybifocals Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 This has been previously posted, but I just need a response. I am so confused and just want some advice. It is a little long and I am extremely grateful to anyone that tries to help: I am new to this website as of yesterday. I have been going through a really hard time with my boyfriend recently. I have been dating him for 2 1/2 years and up to around 8 months ago everything was going great. I love him more than anything I can think of, and I am only 19 years old. This scares me to death. I am so attatched to him and I do not know how to quit this cycle. He has been going through a lot of problems recently with anxiety and panic. His parents also got divorced this summer, which I know made him feel even worse. As of now he is on Klonopin and Paxil, an anti-anxiety medication and antidepressant for those of you that dont know what they are. He is an amazing student, top of his class here at college, perfect at everything he does...except this relationship. I am in no way putting everything on him, but at times he just is not there for me the way he was before. I put too much pressure on him to be there and to do this and do that, that I make him feel more anxious about our relationship. We are in this cycle that is impossible to get out of. He isnt there for me, I am attatched so I go to him, I ask for him to be there, he gets stressed out and pushes me away...it makes me feel worse. I dont know if I am explaining this well, so if anyone has any questions, please ask. I have a lot of trusts issues with him as well. He justs recently went to a conference for school across the country...and pictures were later posted on facebook of him dancing with the girls from the trip. He had before promised me that he was not going to go to any clubs or do anything, and he lied to me when he came back telling me that he did not. When I approached him with the evidence of his lies...he told me he needed space and needed to think about what he did? I do not know how to handle all of these things....I am having sever anxiety worrying about what he is doing and who he is seeing. He tells me he loves me and that he wants to make me happy, but he says he cannot do anything about it. His first priority is relaxing and making himself feel fine. I feel betrayed, ignored, and extremely insecure. It makes it even worse to feel insecurity from someone when you are completely dependent on them. He is my bests friend, and I love him more than anything, yet he does not reciprocate that to me. I do so many things for him, and I know he is thankful, but he does not show his appreciation. I have nightmares about him and the other girls from his trip. He acts like nothing is wrong, and I cannot go to him for help, because it only makes him feel worse. I am so scared of what could happen in the near future. It is so hard to be away from him, it is so hard to see him act with his friends the way i wish he could act with me. In the beginning of this relationship I was the one who turned him down, and he was desperate to be with me. Now I feel we have switched roles. I am the one squandering for help, I feel completely pathetic, and I am completely aware of how he sees me. I know I need to back off and live my life, but I want him to be there. I want him to show me he loved me the way he did before. I wish I could be happy again. I just dont know how to do that. I know my place. I know that me going to him and asking for help is wrong and makes things worse in the end. That is exactly why I am here. I do not know how to ignore everything. I feel paranoid and obsessed. I myself probably need some medication, and I am seeing a therapist this coming week to talk about everything. I miss my best friend, and it is incredibly hard to go through a day not telling him that. Expressing my feelings to him make him feel even more anxious, and I hate that our relationship brings him stress. I want to help him. I want to help us. I want to make this better. I know I am not perfect. I want to do everything I can for him and I to be happy again. Once again, I do not know how to do so. I do not trust him to tell me the truth, and he has admitted that he hides things from me. I want to know what exactly I can do to keep myself from obsessing about this. Do I not contact him? Do I pretend I am fine? Do I tell him when I am sad? Do I express anything? if so, what? He has already expressed to me that he knows he needs to show me he cares more and that he is sorry that he cannot do so properly. I am just terrified this will last forever and that he has changed for good. I need reassurance and guidance. I know I need help. I did not come here to be yelled at for being selfish, because in some ways I agree that I am. I am not the only victim though. We are both suffering from this relationship, but we both love each other and want to work it out. I just need a way to keep him off of my mind. My thoughts keep me from getting anything productive done. He is probably my best and only friend here at college. I feel so completely and totally alone. We were the happiest couple, in love, talking about marriage and our future....and now we cannot discuss the present without drama. This is not where I want to be in my life. I do not want to break up with him, I love him with all of my heart. I am completely devoted to him and would never do anything to hurt him. I am scared and lonely. Insecure and emotional. I cannot go a day without crying. I just wish we could be happy again.
FELIZE Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Make sure you keep your appointment to see the Therapist. You need to get yourself together in order to be available for him or anyone else for that matter. Stop obsessing over him, (if anything) that is why you're running him away. YOU need to give him some space........... I think you know this!
Author rosybifocals Posted October 16, 2006 Author Posted October 16, 2006 I do know this. are there any hints of things I can do to keep myself distracted? should I have no contact with him, or just wait for him to call me? I do not want to play games with him, I would rather be straight forward.
everlong Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 i truly feel sorry u are hurting so much but like feli said, make sure u see a therapist right away because there are a number of red flags in your post that show u are sabotaging things yourself while i am not an expert, please allow me to show you my opinion first of all you have a number of conflicting feeling going on inside your head that really have nothing to do with him. and u actually have all the answers u need right in yer post...take another look [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]1. " i love him more than anything I can think of"[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]ok..love is a pretty strong little bugger and usually can over-ride a negative buzz so you say you really LOVE him but... [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]" i have a lot of trusts issues with him as well. and i [/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]am having sever anxiety worrying about what he is doing"[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]"makes it even worse to feel insecurity from someone when you are completely dependent on them [see #1 below]."[/FONT][/COLOR][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]i think these are your issues because:[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]"[/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]This scares me to death. I am so attatched to him and I do not know how to quit this cycle."[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]1. you are co-depentant on him[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]"he is [/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]perfect at everything he does...except this relationship"[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]2. no one is perfect and thinking his is, and you having these feelings probably makes you feel not his equal. and because you feel that way, you are 'creating' your own crisis.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]"He acts like nothing is wrong,"[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]well, for him, there probably isn't. [/FONT][/COLOR] [/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]"In the beginning of this relationship I was the one who turned him down, and he was desperate to be with me.[/FONT][/COLOR]but at times he just is not there for me the way he was before"[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]3. you started the relationship in a position of power and control and now the tables have turned fer you but you know what? if you stop thinking of a relationship in terms of "I CONTROL, HE MANIPULATES" and start making it a healthy relastionship without these stupid issues, then you will be happier.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] "[/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I know my place."[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]ouch! huge red flag. bad sign. "I know that me going to him and asking for help is wrong and makes things worse in the end. [/FONT][/COLOR][COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I need reassurance and guidance"[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]no that is actual the right thing to do, and if he is a good man, and you tell him these issues are important to you, chances are they will be impoartant to him. and he should be able to make time to help you and the relationship because this is the start of the downward spiral.[/FONT][/COLOR] [FONT=Arial][/FONT]
Author rosybifocals Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 ok. what do i do to stop this? does nobody hear that i know i have a problem? im going to see a therapist. i have already seen a couples therapist once with him, and we are going to continue to do that. but as i sit here all this time not being able to think straight, i do not know how to control myself. i see myself as exactly how you decribe me. i am co-dependent on him. i do not know how not to be. i am in college and he is my only friend here. i went to a seperate school that all of my other friends to be alone in this relationship, before my friends complained that he and i were too attatched to each other. he has moved on and i cannot. i want to be an individual. i want to be able to go a day without talking to him. i still love him and want to be in this relationship, but i dont want this relationship to be my life. i really do understand what you guys are saying, i just dont know how to accomplish anything. i feel incapable.
Walk Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 I've been on this board a while now, and a lot of the people have some really wonderful advice. So hopefully you'll get some good replies soon. I'm not entirely sure what to tell you that would help. The only way I know of for you to feel more stable is to focus on yourself more. I understand the cycle you're caught in. The insecurity and feeling that you need him, and the more you attempt to explain what's going on in your head, the further it pushes him away, which in turn makes you feel more insecure and need him even more... until you're caught in a downward spiral where you feel incapable of doing anythign except think of how unhappy you are.. It's that catch 22. Vicious cycle. As a 30+ year old who's been through it... The few things I learned are: no matter how much you feel you need him, he'll never fulfill that hole you feel in your chest. He can't fill it. Only you can. And it takes a long time to learn that. But go to the appointment with the therapist, and give it time. Don't just go once and when you don't see immediate results quit. Give it time.. months. It will help. And you'll feel better talking to someone in person about it. These forums are great, but there's just something about talking to a real live person face to face that makes it really work. So having given my "old lady" speech on the 'go to your appointment'... I really think you have several things working against you right now. The fact that you feel alone where you're at. Not having any close friends to lean on when you're having problems. The fact that your bf did lie about what he did while away has broken down your belief in the integrity of the relationship. Plus the stress of school, and I'm sure financial problems if you're in college. Basically, what I'm saying is I think you're really being hard on yourself. Your post almost sounds as if you think you should be some kind of super woman who is carefree and independent in all types of situations. Well, I haven't met too many people like that, and I sure as hell wouldn't count myself one of them. I've been in your shoes, and it sucks. It's about the worst feeling in the world. But you've made it this far... You won't always feel like this. It won't be this way forever. You'll make it through, and you'll be a stronger person for having gone through it. So don't get too down on yourself. It's a rough spot, but you're doing fine... ok? *hug* So for something immediate to do.. get a journal if you don't have one already, and everytime you start to feel like things are too much, that you can't handle it any more, then write in that journal. Write out everythign you feel, think , want, desire... anythign that pops into your head. Instead of immediately calling your bf, write in your journal. Also.. treat yourself when you're feeling really low. I always found that later at night was the worst times for me. So I did things to get my mind off it.. LIke rent comedy movies and watch them late at night. Or I'd buy my favorite food. Or I'd go for a walk around town. Sometimes I'd head off to a coffee shop and get a hot chocolate with the works. I felt like no one thought I was anyone special, and I realized that *I* was the only one who could think of my self as special. So when I was really low, I'd treat myself to something extra special. Something I really enjoyed. And it might not have worked miracles, but it did help some. And last suggestion.. You'll have to force yourself to do this because it's not easy. Change how the way you talk to yourself in your head. When you start thinking of the negative, replace it with a positive. Like I said.. it's incredibly hard to start this.. but honest, it'll change your life. Keep replacing the negatives with positives. Instead of dwelling on how much you need him, focus on somethign good. Reasons why you are special.
Author rosybifocals Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 i would like to start by saying thank you so much. i really do think you understand where i am coming from, and you have absolutely no idea what that means to me. i never thought that a website would help me, but my bf actually came to one when he was going through anxiety and told me to do the same to see if it would help me as much as it helped him. thank you so much again. the journal idea sounds good, i have had one, but i always feel that i should express to him how i feel. then when i do it, he becomes more overwhelmed and pushes me away. i will try and just put in a journal and stay away from talking to him about it. i was hoping maybe he would then realize that he missed me. he probably doesnt want to spend time with me now because i am a major nag and pain, i would not want to spend time with me either. its a hard cycle to break, and i really hope i can get out of this soon. i know he is trying, he wouldnt be with me or doing couples therapy if he didnt care. its just so hard to go through everyday with your boyfriend treating you like it doesnt matter whether you were there or not. if he asks me for something, i do it instantly, to make him see that i can do something for him. in the end, i think it works against me, i should make him see that he needs me... i dont even know. i feel like im playing games, but i just want him to understand me. i really dont think he does, no matter how hard i try to explain it. i look back at the old letters he wrote me and cry because he doesnt express himself to me the way he did before, if even at all. its worse for me at night too, right before i go to bed. i seriously cry every single day, and i just want to be my happy self again. but what scares me the most is that my motivation is to be happy for him, and i dont even think about myself. i want to be happy for him so he will love me again the way he did. that is so pathetic, but true. im bare for all to see at my most vulnerable state. i really do appreciate what you wrote, you are the first person that really answered my call for help. thank you again. ::hug back::
Author rosybifocals Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 i have another question. at school, i work in a computer lab in his department. which means i am in his classrooms when he is in class sometimes, or just in the general computer lab where he does his hw etc. when i work here he is busy with his friends doing hw etc, and he completely ignores that i am here? why then did he ask me to work in this lab? he confuses me so much, and it is really hard to see him enjoying himself with his friends compared to how relaxed he is with me. he says that he is this way because with his friends here he has to put up a facade like nothing is wrong, but because i know his problems, he can be relaxed and "himself" with me. i dont like that he is more down when he is with me, and i do not know if i should believe that it is all an act... should i move where i work so i dont even witness this at all? i would really much rather stay here, but i dont know if it will affect me negatively. i feel like we are on a break, and we get to see each other...its so hard. that is not our situation at all, because we are together, i just dont know how to act around him anymore.
everlong Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 it sounds like an extremely tough situation right now but i think if he listened to what you are saying, what is needed, perhaps it is not as complicated as you might think. "im going to see a therapist." well this one is a priority and if you can fit in time for the couples one, he should go as well. "i am not being able to think straight, i do not know how to control myself." is there a certain time that always happens other than at nite time? do u know what calm's you in these situations? "i am co-dependent on him. i do not know how not to be." does he has a firm grasp of this situation? "i went to a seperate school that all of my other friends to be alone in this relationship," i am assuming with your co-dependency issue i must have been hard. did you and him make plans where he could visit or stay on weekends or something? how did that work out? was being alone a conflict because of the co? "before my friends complained that he and i were too attatched to each other." do they know about the co-depencey issue? i don't understand why they would say that? do your friends and your bf get along? "he has moved on and i cannot." what do u mean moved on? "i want to be an individual." absolutely - everyone needs to maintain their 'self' "i want to be able to go a day without talking to him." have u discussed setting up a schedule? if you know how much time you need with him and without him maybe you both could plan around that? "i still love him and want to be in this relationship," that's a good thing. is he confused between the co-de and the love? "but i dont want this relationship to be my life." yes, it sounds like for your needs it must only be a part of your life? have u discuseed that with him? "i really do understand what you guys are saying, i just dont know how to accomplish anything. i feel incapable." well, hang in there. somedays are better some are worse..their ususally is a solution for every problem but you have to work with your bf to figure it out. communication is key.
Isabella82 Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 I would just like to say that you sound exactly like me. It is so horrible. Reading your post it is so painful, I feel like I wrote it. I too have problems with relationships. I am too clingy, my friends think I always spend too much time with my boyfriend etc... It is really hard. The difference is that I have had so many relationships, but I always feel like I need someone there. Break ups are extremely hard for me. My worst was in college. My boyfriend who I was dependant on dumped me out of the blue and I lost it. I completely went nuts. I had to go see someone ASAP! I am doing a lot better now, in another relationship.....of course But I still feel like once again I am so dependant on this guy, and if we broke up I would be destroyed. Don't know why I am like that, but I thought I would let you know so that you don't feel so alone about everything.
Walk Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 at school, i work in a computer lab in his department. when i work here he is busy with his friends doing hw etc, and he completely ignores that i am here? why then did he ask me to work in this lab? should i move where i work so i dont even witness this at all? I think I understand what you're talking about with him acting different around his friends then he does around you. You want him to be "real" with you, yet at the same time, it hurts to see him joking and laughing with others but not with you. Especially when he won't invite you in when you're physically closeby already. Personally... I think I would move where I worked. It's kind of a judgement call on your part. Try to think through how you would feel, and what you want most. I mean, if where you're at now is a kush job and you enjoy the people, and what you're doing... and switching to somewhere else would create more stress on you, then try to take that into consideration. But... I think for the sake of your relationship you need to create some distance between the two of you. The relationship isn't level right now. To me, it seems as if he's leaning on you quite heavily to carry the burden of his problems, but then doesn't have energy to help you when you need it. I think right now he knows you are there whenever he needs it... but you're hurting yourself by being so available, so dependably there. You give and give... but aren't getting the same in return. You're getting some, which keeps you trying... but not enough to make you feel loved and whole. So you keep chasing after it, asking, and then feeling guilty when he tells you he doesn't have the energy, time, effort to put into you. I think you're placing more blame on yourself then you should. Not sure really what would be feasible for you. I think you should step back from him for a while. I think you want more from him, but you're asking in unproductive ways. It's coming across as though you need him constantly.. but I think really you want him to be more enthusastic about seeing you. Happier to be with you. Show you that you're appreciated and loved. But he's not doing it. Which would make anyone feel insecure and unhappy when their partner is like that. And I think that you're attempting to "show" him how you would like to be treated. Men don't pick up on that. Took me a whlie to realize that. So potentially, this is a two-fold problem. You need to believe in yourself and your self worth more. And you need to define to him what you want and expect in a relationship. ie: The words of affirmation, the actions that show he appreciates you, and wants you in his life. So I think what I would suggest, is that you focus on writing (in your journal) a list of what would make you feel appreciated and loved by your partner. If you can't define them to yourself, then there's no way you can communicate it to your partner. Once you do that, then compare it to what is really going on in the relationship. Then communicate that as clearly and simply as you possibly can to him. Not sure if that's something you want to try or not.... There's a lot going on in your relationship that isn't clear. Why do you think he seems to want more space from you? Why do you feel he doesn't show you he loves you as much? And not the pat answer of "cause he doesn't love me as much..." He's still with you, he doesn't seem to want to break up... he just isn't very happy with things right now. So why, rationally, do you feel this is the case? Is it because you two don't have fun together anymore? What do you think about the situation? If you were an outsider looking in, what would you say the problems are, and what can be done to help?
Author rosybifocals Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 Why do you think he seems to want more space from you? Why do you feel he doesn't show you he loves you as much? And not the pat answer of "cause he doesn't love me as much..." He's still with you, he doesn't seem to want to break up... he just isn't very happy with things right now. So why, rationally, do you feel this is the case? Is it because you two don't have fun together anymore? What do you think about the situation? If you were an outsider looking in, what would you say the problems are, and what can be done to help? i think he wants more space because he feels extremely overwhelmed by everything going on in our relationship. me talking about our relationship brings him stress, so instead of coming to me to relax, he pushes me away. i really do not know why he doesnt show me that he loves me as much, maybe because he is so accustomed to having me there that he just takes me for granted. i am there anytime he needs something, if he doesnt feel well, i am the one who takes him to the doctor or to the pharmacy or bringing him soup. what makes it worse is that he doesnt ask me to do these things, i actually do them for him because i want him to be happy, therefore, he just thinks ill be there no matter what. this happened the day i found out about him dancing with those girls...i flipped out and we went on a "break" whatever that is...i wasnt talking to him, even though i wanted too....he called me later the next day and said he was feeling really sick because he ran out of his paxil. he then hinted to me that he could not drive, but had too much pride to actually ask me to take him to the pharmacy. i told him if he needed anything to call me, but otherwise i couldnt help him...so he should just relax. around 11:30 the same night he called again and told me his prescription was ready and that he wanted to know if "i wanted to come with him"....i asked him if he needed me to and he said yes...so, once again, he had to much pride just to admit that he needed me. i feel really good that i was able to not just do it, but i dont like that he takes advantage of me like that...when he knew i was already upset with him he still expected me to help. why he isnt happy with things is obvious. he is extremely stressed out with school, family, and me. i want him to help me, yet i bring him stresss so he pushes me away. i know i need to learn to be happy without him there, and make him come to me to be happy...and not for me to go to him and make him stressed. i feel horrible that i bring him stress, and i wish that we could both feel the same way we once did about each other. this is exremeley hard to do when i am insecure about how he feels about me, i do not feel the same love from him i once did, i see him interacting differently with others....and i do not trust him to tell me the truth. its really weird, but everything you say i agree with walk...you have been really helpful, and i think ill try that list. as for isabella: its a little bit different in that he really is my first love. i have been in other relationships, but those were really nothing at all like what i have with him. i know the relationship i have with him right now is unhealthy, and i hope that he and i can work it out properly, so that i do not have to go through life being dependent on any person. i was never like this before, i was ALWAYS independent, and could not really care less if anyone else was always by my side...but he has really changed me. i dont know if it was for better or worse, but all i know is that i love him, and want to be in a healthy loving relationship. thanks for your input though...everyone is being really sweet
Author rosybifocals Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 last night i tried to talk to him and he completely blew me off. i understand he has school...i mean, i am pre-med and have just as much if not more work than him...but, he just doesnt seem to see how he is being insensitive. i cant concentrate on my homework or anything because im so distracted by this...i dont seem to want to do anything.
Isabella82 Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 So do you guys talk at all or hang out at all? Does he ever call you? I know exactly how you feel. Even when my boyfriend and I have a fight I feel like I can't think about anything except for that. I don't feel like eating, going to work, or anything. I would try to wait to see if he calls you. If you get the urge to call him, call a friend and talk to them about it. Take a nap, maybe go to the gym, watch a movie, do laundry, or a tv show that you like. And what helped me was writing in my journal. Whenever I felt like calling I would just write. The whole facebook thing... that would upset me a lot. I don't like facebook at all anymore. I saw my boyfriend write some pretty inappropriate things on his friends who were girls walls, and I had him get off of facebook. I told him either he gets off of it, or we are over. You said he was dancing with other girls.... what kind of dancing? Just in a group kind of thing or like grinding??
Author rosybifocals Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 he does call me, but just to say like "good night i have to go" basically...or if he needs something, like for me to print something for him or whatever...but, this has been what he has called me for in the last 2 days...i have done my best not to call, and the only time he does is to say goodnight for a minute or for a favor. UGH, the entire facebook thing really bothers me. he also did the same thing with writing inappropriate things on other girls walls, but not on facebook, on another forum website that he doesnst really know the people on...i made him get off of that one, because that really upset me. i mean, he went on a conference with a school related club, which is totally fine...we are from florida and the conference was in california...it was so hard those couple of days not to be a lunatic and ask what he was doing. but before he went he promised me that he would not dance with other girls...he would not promise that he would not go to a club, because he said if that was what everyone was doing, that he would follow...but he supposedly understood that the reason i didnt want him to go to a club was because i didnt want him dancing with girls... when he was there he called me and told me he changed his mind and that he was not going to do that anymore...but thiss was the DAY AFTER he had already gone out and danced with them. it was spanish dancing like merengue, reggaeton, etc...and he went and did that with these people. now, im not jealous of them...i dont want anything they have other than my boyfriends attention...why did he have to go and do that to me? he never goes dancing with me and he suddenly wants to dance with other girls? he still thinks its perfectly fine for him to dance with them, he apologized for lying, but he is not sincere...because i really think he would do it again, and for that i cannot trust that he respects me or this relationship. he also talks to these girls all the time in school which drives me insane...he does it right in front of me, and i know if i flip out he will tell me i am to obsessive and paranoid. its so frustrating to pretend i dont care, when it is driving me insane. everyone tells me to give him space, but at the same time...HE DID SOMETHING WRONG...he lied, he hurt me, and gets to do whatever the hell he wants without a proper or sincere apology. im not going to make him get off facebook, the pictures are there still...i dont like them.. i want to look at his emails, textmessages, facebook messages etc...but, i know that would make me feel worse...i have this horrible urge to do that...but i have not. he is very very very opinionated about privacy and he thinks it is VERY important...and it makes me worried that he is hiding even more. i just hate being treated like i dont matter. he is there, but it is so cold and distant...it feels fake. i love his so much and just want to feel that back...i need to learn to trust him again, but i need his help, but he wont put in the effort to do so. i seriously cry everyday, it has been a little better since i actually joined thiss forum, because it keeps me distracted. but i am still extremely depressesd and insecure. i am never able to concentrate on my hw, i have dropped one of my classes because i cannot stay on top of things...i feel like everything is falling apart, and he is blaming this on me...and telling me that he cannot help because his own problems are more important to him right now. he has every right to deal with his problems, I HELP HIM WITH THOSE TOO, but he gives me nothing. i miss him. so much.
Matt L Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Wow, I'm not even sure where I can begin here, since it looks to me like I'm one of the first to offer a male perspective into this. It sounds to me like your guy is changing, and instead of allowing him room to change and expand, intentionally or unintentionally, you've swooped in and are attempting to pressure him to go back to the way he was: back to the guy you first went out with. The fact of the matter is, he's a different person now than he was then, and he may never go back to the way he used to be. I'm not trying to tell you this to upset you deliberately, but the fact of the matter is people and their relationships with one another change. Whether you realize it or not, you are in a gravely dangerous emotional state. Giving your boyfriend that much emotional power over you is incredibly unhealthy, and I'm sure your therapist would agree to this point. Sure it's healthy to cry over break-ups and over fights, and it's healthy to cry over a changing relationship or even a breaking one... but to think about him every single moment of the day? ... How do you you fit into this schedule? Having no other friends besides just him? ... That's where the danger lies; you've given him too much power over you emotionally. Have you ever considered that perhaps you're changing as well? Give the poor guy some breathing room. I mean, from the way you describe it, it sounds to me like you're the insensitive one here. He's clearly going through some bull**** right now, and it's stuff he needs to deal with on his own, and the very the last thing he needs is his girlfriend trying to prod affection out of him. Maybe you're trying so hard to be romantic and be "together" with him that you're completely losing your ability to be genuine, and as a result he may not feel like he can honestly connect with you right now, thus he may feel inclined to talk to other people in casual relationships because there's no pressure there. Are you afraid that he might want to break up with you if you give him more time to himself? ... because that's what it seems like, and this means you don't trust him. In fact, I think that was obvious enough when you were getting steamed that he was hanging out with other girls and talking more openly to friends. It's clear you don't have complete trust in him, both to me, and to him as well. Put a little faith in him. He will open up to you in due time, just be patient. But seriously, for now just withdraw. Don't approach him with anything, and while I realize that's hard, what you really need to do is just temporarily shove him aside, and channel your emotions elsewhere. If he really cares, and wants to continue being your boyfriend, he will come to you, it just takes time. Just let him go through his stuff, and let him be who he is, then see where you are when the dust settles.
Author rosybifocals Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 It sounds to me like your guy is changing, and instead of allowing him room to change and expand, intentionally or unintentionally, you've swooped in and are attempting to pressure him to go back to the way he was: back to the guy you first went out with. He is changing, everybody changes. Yes, I am aware I have as well. I was never this dependent on him, because in high school I had all of my other friends there to keep me distracted. Right now, there are a lot of factors that have led to my insecurity. I do not trust him, and as my therapist explains it is justified. He has chosen to hide things from me again and again...he has admitted that he hides things from me, and that he was wrong to do so. I cannot be 100% sure that he is not going around doing whatever it is he pleases...then again, nobody can ever be 100% sure, but that is what trust is for..it makes up for the part that you arent so sure about, because you trust that your partner will make the best decision. Whether you realize it or not, you are in a gravely dangerous emotional state. Giving your boyfriend that much emotional power over you is incredibly unhealthy, and I'm sure your therapist would agree to this point. Sure it's healthy to cry over break-ups and over fights, and it's healthy to cry over a changing relationship or even a breaking one... but to think about him every single moment of the day? ... How do you you fit into this schedule? Having no other friends besides just him? ... That's where the danger lies; you've given him too much power over you emotionally. Now, my insecurity stems from his detatchment from me and the trust issues he and I have. I understand that me clinging for more...makes him push me away...which then starts a cycle, because after I am pushed away...i cling on some more. This relationship is not healthy, therefore, mt reaction to it should not be any different...I will continue to be upset, I am extremely emotional and he knows it. He may have too much power over me at this point, but in the end it is me who has to take it away from him. He does take advantage of me and the things I do for him, and that will soon change. I am working on seperating myself from him and clinging less...however, at the same time, OUR relationship is not MY job. He has to put in an effort too... for you to tell me i am insensitive is like telling George Bush he is too liberal... I am there for him for whatever it is he needs...I understand completely that he has gone through ALOT and that he is still going through ALOT. He tells me he wants to be in this relationship, but honestly he puts no work in towards making it better. He is more focused on other things...these things ARE important...but if he wants to be in this relationship, I need to feel like I am as well. I am in no way saying that I should be the most important...but as his girlfriend, I need attention. I need love. I need support. Maybe you're trying so hard to be romantic and be "together" with him that you're completely losing your ability to be genuine, and as a result he may not feel like he can honestly connect with you right now, thus he may feel inclined to talk to other people in casual relationships because there's no pressure there. I think he understands that I am genuine...I just think he feels too pressured to have to show that he is. I understand that completely, and I am willing to back down and let him make his own decisions without me pointing him in any direction. It makes me extremely uncomfortable to see his reaction with other people in casual relationships because OF COURSE im going to compare that with his reaction to me. I feel neglected, and I am going to see the attention he gives to others and want it for myself. I am jealous. I am not saying it is right or wrong, but it is justified. I understand it is not good to be obsessive and overbearing, but I do feel that I need him to put in a lot more work than he does to this relationship. He is entitled to have friends and other relationships, but I need to be able to trust him in order to be completely comfortable with that. Are you afraid that he might want to break up with you if you give him more time to himself? ... because that's what it seems like, and this means you don't trust him. In fact, I think that was obvious enough when you were getting steamed that he was hanging out with other girls and talking more openly to friends. It's clear you don't have complete trust in him, both to me, and to him as well. Put a little faith in him. He will open up to you in due time, just be patient. I am not exactly afraid that he will break up with me if I give him space. Because I know that if I keep reacting the way I do to everything and do not give him space..he will. I know I need to step back and give him time to himself. I do not feel comfortable with him dancing with other girls, I do not feel comfortable with him wanting to do that. I do not trust him, as I have already mentioned. I do not have faith that he will make the right decision. I am insecure, and to see him giving the attention that I want to other girls makes me feel worse. I am not trying to say that I deserve all of his attention. I recieve none and I merely want to feel like I am loved and appreciated. I am doing my best to withdraw, it is incredibly hard because of the aforementioned trust/insecurity issues. I really do feel like he needs to put in some effort as well, because if he claims to want to be in this relationship as much as I do, he should have to work for it as well. It is only fair.
Matt L Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Hi there again, I saw a few lines in your last response I thought I'd comment on. I'm not trying to be mean either, just so you know, I'm just offering my interpretations, which I think are valid, seeing as I'm a guy. I am there for him for whatever it is he needs... I obviously don't know this situation firsthand, but I suspect that if this were one-hundred percent true, then your boyfriend would not feel like he could be so open with other friends and other women, as opposed to you. I think it's also possible that you are being open and genuine (since I don't know all of the facts, all I can is offer interpretations), but that he doesn't trust you either. He may have too much power over me at this point, but in the end it is me who has to take it away from him. He does take advantage of me and the things I do for him, and that will soon change.... Okay, so why exactly are you still in this relationship? Clearly you're putting in all of the work, and not getting anything out of it. A relationship without trust is really nothing more than being acquaintances, because it takes trust to open up to a person, as I'm sure you know... I mean I guess I don't really have anything else to say. I think what you're feeling is that the mutual trust from your relationship has vanished, and now without that trust you've lost the fundamental basis for human emotional connection.
Author rosybifocals Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 trust is not the only thing that keeps two people together. we are both love each other and do not want to end the relationship. he has said he does not trust me, but in a different way. he doesnt trust that i can give him his privacy, which he holds very highly. i agree that he needs privacy, as do i. however, because of my lack of trust for him, we are stuck in a cycle in which i am insecure and feel the need to pry...and then he does not trust me because i do so. neither of us is right. when i say i am there for him for whatever he needs, i am basically saying i am dependable. if he calls me up and needs something, i will do it...not because i do what he says, but because i love him and genuinely want to help. if i ask him for anything at all, he considers his own priorities first before even considering, if even attempting to help. this happens with everything, as simple as it is....ANYTHING i ask for. it is not an everyday occurence for me to need a favor, but if it pops up, it is very unlikely that he will do it. he becomes very stressed out when he thinks he has too many obligations. it is understandable, but it still hurts me to think that my boyfriend cannot or will not help me if i need it. i know you arent trying to be mean, but i know my situation very well...this has been consuming me for the past 2 weeks...i came here for advice on how to keep myself withdrawn and to keep myself distracted. it has benefited me a lot being on this website, because i focus my frustration here rather than on my boyfriend. another issue that has been on my mind a lot is the fact that he and i are both going to be travelling to another conference next week with the same group he went to california with. i have to be around him and these other girls again, and if i see him interacting with them in a certain way while ignoring me...i will have a miserable time. i am trying to communicate to him what exactly i mean by this, because i dont want him to be ignoring his friends...obviously. i just would feel really uncomfortable if there was any type of confrontation or anything in front of them, because he seems to hold them in very high esteem. i need to learn to manage my insecurities...but honestly i dont know how to express to him that i need his help in including me and etc. without making him anxious.
Walk Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 I am doing my best to withdraw, it is incredibly hard because of the aforementioned trust/insecurity issues. I really do feel like he needs to put in some effort as well, because if he claims to want to be in this relationship as much as I do, he should have to work for it as well. It is only fair. Wow!! YOU GO GIRL!! That's what I'm talking about! Give him hell! It'd be different if your bf wasn't calling you up every day to ask you to do another thing for him, but for him to do that, and not have an ounce of effort to return the favor... pah.. the boy needs his butt kicked. I'm so glad you went to the therapist/counselor! Really proud of you for going through with it. I wasn't sure if you would or not. And everything you just stated in your post was right on. You're on the right track. Just keep going to the therapist/counselor (not sure what you call it, but keep going.). If you hit a low spot, just take it minute by minute. Get on here and vent, scream, rant, pour your heart out.. whatever you have to do. But you'll make it through. You're a strong person. You'll be back on your feet before you know it. Which reminds me.. I'm avoiding homework, so I gotta get going or I'm going to have to start dropping classes.
Author rosybifocals Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 im doing my best...its still really hard. all i want is for him to call me just to talk...i miss who we were so much. i know everything and everyone will always change...its so hard to accept. im just going to keep on not trying to call, and standing off if he does something that upsets me. today he talked to the girl that he danced with IN FRONT OF ME, he initiated their conversation and whatever, i wanted to say "what is your problem"....but i held my tongue and let it slide. i hate having to pretend things dont bother me, i am so used to expressing everything i feel. i dont want to overwhelm him, but i just want to be myself. ok, back to ignoring the fact that i want nothing more than to call him right now.
Walk Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 today he talked to the girl that he danced with IN FRONT OF ME, he initiated their conversation and whatever, i wanted to say "what is your problem"....but i held my tongue and let it slide. i hate having to pretend things dont bother me, i am so used to expressing everything i feel. i dont want to overwhelm him, but i just want to be myself. Was he talking to her like he would anyone, or was he specificially saying things that were flirty? Or were his actions out of line in a way you can describe? I'm hoping you would describe it so I could get a better idea of what happened... if you don't mind. You were asking earlier how to talk to him about when you go to the conference. I was trying to think of ways you could approach it that might give you the best results, but I'm not sure I really came up with anything great. Anyway.. I think if I were in your shoes, I would tell him that I really love it when he holds my hand when we're out. Not really in any context toward the conference, but in a more general sense. Like subtly give him ideas on how he could show you he cares about you. Like mention that you really love it when he holds your hand when you two are out. Little things that he's done in the past that have made you feel like he cared, and just remind him of it by saying 'It's wonderful when you do X.', or 'When you do Z, you really make my heart melt.' Then gauge his response to it. I think if he turned it into a big deal and tried to say you were putting too much on him.. I don't know.. I think I'd tell him that if he expects me to continue doing those things he wants, then some give and take is in order. Or, I'd take the passive aggressive approach (not a good idea) and next time he hinted he needed something from me I would sarcastically mimic his words back to him, saying "You're asking for too much, you're burdening me with all your problems, I can't deal with your problems right now..." But I'm kind of evil that way.. I wouldnt' recommend doing that. it's not terribly adult. And you were saying that he won't ask for anything... but he still gets what he wants from you. That's really mean. The people who do that are the worst... they know they are asking you to do something for them, that you're going out of your way to help them, but they don't feel any need to repay that debt they created because they "didn't ask you to do it". It's like the cowards cop out. Since they didn't ask, then no debt was incurred. Yet they got what they wanted, and you were the one who had to put in the time and effort to help them. So then you're left holding an empty bag. You can't ask for what you need, because the guy doesn't feel he owes you anything. He's convinced himself that you did it because you wanted to and you would've done it whether he'd been there or not. Its a cruel way to get others to do something and end up completely free from ever repaying the deed. My bf's brother is like that.. he whines and whines about how hard his life is.. and tells you specificially what he needs, but then goes on and on about how he can't.. He won't ask anythign of you, but he makes you feel so freakin' guilty that you finally just offer to do it. My bf's shelled out tons of cash to help his brother out, and has NEVER gotten repaid for it. Oh.. wait.. the brother once bought my bf a cup of coffee... big whoop. But it's always that way.. the guilt trip til you offer help, then he's completely free from ever repaying you because YOU offered to do it. Ugh.. Hate that. Oops.. sorry, that turned into a rant. hahahah Anyway.. I'm starting to think you're really very sane, and you're bf is just pulling a massive head trip on you which is making you feel insane. I think a lot of people can attest that this happens quite frequently. Also, I know people with anxiety disorders and stuff have a hard time with life.. but I don't really think that's an excuse for treating your gf like crap. And in my opinion, he really doesn't treat you well.
Author rosybifocals Posted October 19, 2006 Author Posted October 19, 2006 he wasnt talking to her in any particular way...but this girl had sent him text messages telling him that she just broke up with her bf, and there are pictures of him dancing with her...and i just...i dont know i do not like that he initiates conversation with her. he is very talkative and flirtatious with other girls. when i say flirtatious, i mean just by giving them extra attention and being extra nice. i really dont like how he handled the whole taking him to the pharmacy thing. its messed up that he had too much pride to ask. i know that we are both wrong in some ways and right in others. my main problem is trying to avoid seeming needy and contacting him. i also am trying not to bring up all the bickering and arguments etc. i try and ignore conversations about the other girl...i try and push towards things so we can have a good time together, and that he doesnt just relate me to stress and fighting. its really hard to pretend nothing is wrong, and just walk away. i want a proper apology and i want to be able to trust him in the future, and for him to stop being rude and disrespectful. im terrified if i cant control myself from consistenly bickering...that he will become annoyed by me and leave...even though, in all honesty i have done nothing wrong to him, but i have hurt the relationship. i just want him to be cooperative and help me in this quest to build a better relationship. he is there, but he is not doing anything....i cannot do it alone. ill try the telling him what i like and dont like. i have hinted to him so many times that i like it when he kisses me, but he has not done it properly in so long. we do the average couple peck when we say goodbye...but i mean, we used to get whistled at and yelled at for our graphic pda...im not saying i want a dramatic turn, but i want some passion...some excitement. i dont know, i get so caught up in thinking about the past, i forget that everyone changes and i should be looking at the future.
Isabella82 Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 Seriously I am not trying to hurt you in anyway. I feel your pain, and I have been there before. My current boyfriend used to send his friends who were girls from CA things. Such as roses on valentines day etc... He didn't even buy me roses. I was furious with him and broke up with him. It hurt me so much, but I could not believe that he treated these friends of his so much better then me. He broke down and said that he knew he was wrong, and how sorry he was. That he would never do it again, basically cried for me to come back. I eventually did and it has been 6 months and we are doing great. These roses were sent to a group of girls, 4 of them. It was not to just one girl. But anyway if he isn't there for you, shows you no affection, doesn't do anything for you, and ignores you infront of his friends to me it sounds like he doesn't really love you. I mean do you guys still sleep together? Because if my b/f was doing that to me I would not even put up with it. I realize that this is your first relationship so it makes it really hard, but honestly you deserve so much better then he is giving you. I would tell him look I have tried to make this relationship better, but you are not putting in any effort. Tell him you have had it, and that you can't live like that. You can not trust him. You can not have a relationship. I am not trying to play games here either, but you are worth better then this. You have so much to give in a relationship, and he does not deserve to be with you. Maybe then he will change his ways and want to be a better boyfriend. And if not then you are better off without him. It is extremely hard, but your not happy right now.
Author rosybifocals Posted October 19, 2006 Author Posted October 19, 2006 i dont know what to think about this anymore. i love him, he says he loves me. im withdrawing, and hoping that the space and time will help him realize that he needs to show me he loves me a little bit more. he has a lot of things he needs to work out on his own. we are going to couples therapy to work out the things that distress each of us. i have a lot of things i need to work out on my own (becoming more independent...etc) i just have to find a way to convince myself that i do not need him to be there 24/7 for me to be happy, and so i can take advantage of the time i have with him instead of fighting for stupid reasons. all the things i get mad at him about are justified, but not worth wasting our quality time. we can work out all the problems in therapy, and hopefully we dont necessarily return to the way we were, but to a better, more healthy and restored "us". this is a little off subject, but to isabella, our sex life is fine. there are a few things we need to work on, but we are both content with it and know what the issues are. the sex life is something he is actually willing to put some effort into right now, convenient eh? boys boys boys.
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