getting divorced... rebound guy?

[Guest-L]

Hello, So there seems to be a lot of people here who have been through this. I am getting divorced. I have been married for less than a year but with husband for 9. Everything Unraveled at the end of August so almost 2 months ago. Husband had affair with Brother's wife. ick.

 

I just went on vacation and one of my brother's friends and I kind of flirted. innocently.

 

What is the deal with the "rebound guy"? Is that a true thing? How do you avoid that? I like this guy he is cool. Is it possible to be friends? He said to me that he does not want to be that rebound guy... I can totally respect that.

 

It feels to soon anyhow but, it felt so good at the same time... yeah know.

 

L

[Lor]

Everything Unraveled at the end of August so almost 2 months ago. Husband had affair with Brother's wife. ick.

 

Welcome back, L! Hope you picked up a great tan! And its good to hear from you again.

 

I love the ick. line . Nice to see you finally are starting to see thru this and are headed for divorce. The guy was a total shmuck and not worth one of your tears.

 

As far as the rebound guy, why don't you just take it slow, day by day and see where it leads. You're not marrying the guy, you're not in love with him {yet}, and he's fun to be around. After the hell you went thru, you deserve to have a good time, especially with someone who finds you attractive and fun as well. Why should you have to sit at home and be lonely? You're not the one who caused this!

 

Dating is not a good thing just yet but still.....a friend told me not long ago that only you can decide when the time is right to start seeing someone again. Only you know when you're ready. and at least this guy is upfront and honest with you about how he feels ~ score one for him!

[everlong]

ahhhhhhhhhh...the rebound guy or the rebound gurl - sigh - lol

 

i love that. you know people can say in a chat room with ease but, hmmmm, wait, let me say this first - here's the challenge:

 

to those of you out the, just coming out of a relationship, the next person you starting seeing, they are 'officially the rebound person, try telling them that. you know, work it in to the conversation.

 

michael: so laura, when did u break up with tony?

laura: who?

michael: tony! i an assuming that's his name...cuz your anklette has the name tony on it.

[looks down]

laura: ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, tony...yah...guess that was about 9 months ago.

michael: oh he lived in toronto 2? cuz u mentioned earlier that u were in toronto during the summer

laura: mmmmmm,,,no,,,i guess it's more like 3 months now that i think about it

michael: ahhhhhhh, so i am?

laura: yup! the rebound guy!

 

we all know what that means! short term - quick fix - its never about the rebound guy or gal. it about the person that needs their affection fix and they grab on to something.

 

however, i love being the rebound guy - you get sex earlier in the relationship [if u wanna call it that] often right away. and they'll dump you fairly quickly - so no long term paying meals and vacations

sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet

its almost as good as the married man thing

lol

[Lor]

:lmao: funny, everlong, cuz one of the first guys I met thru the internet was named Tony! except I was his "rebound gal" ~ wanted to know a rough time frame of when I'd be ready for a relationship again and didn't like the answer when I said I was giving myself a year.....huh, never heard from him after the 3rd time of pounding it thru his head that I was only interested in being friends.

 

....of course that was before I met the new guy.....

 

I couldn't drag someone into the mess that was my life at the time and it was fortunate for me I didn't meet him till after I was ready. I had to like myself first, come to learn that it was me who was in control of my life, and so that's where I am now.

 

latching on to someone for the need for affection? yep, true statement....if all you're looking for is the quick fix. If you're not looking for anything serious, anything long term but leaving the door open for later in life, why not? But the door to the old relationship needs to be firmly shut before you should proceed ~ maybe not so much the paperwork all neat and tidy, but you're feelings toward the X.

[Guest- L]

ahhhhhhhhhh...the rebound guy or the rebound gurl - sigh - lol

 

however, i love being the rebound guy - you get sex earlier in the relationship [if u wanna call it that] often right away. and they'll dump you fairly quickly - so no long term paying meals and vacations

sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet

its almost as good as the married man thing

lol

 

So the guy and I have been texting innocently NOTHING even flirty just saying hi laughing about the vacation. But, I mean we spent a week together 24 hours a day so there was a lot of feelings or umm hormones there sort of frustration sort to speak that there was no action on them.

 

Anyway I tried to ask him to dinner he got scared did not respond. Then he had a party and I went. Yeah just as Everlong saw the writing on the wall we slept together. IT WAS amazing! felt so good and liberating.

 

Now... not sure how to proceed. Want to back off not date him because this guy is way too cool to be the rebound guy. he is scared too about the whole thing.. and it is weird because you can't ask questions because then you are trying to define what you are doing and that is not a good approach.

 

So taking it low key this week seeing if he wants to hang out not texting/talking as much. Afraid he might read that as I am not interested though.

 

Really not sure how to proceed. uncharted territory for me.

[Lor]

As I keep telling my kids, I'm an adult and I'm allowed to have some fun. Same goes for you! Okay, so you slept with the guy..... . Did you tell him you loved him afterwards? Did you start talking about when you're getting married? C'mon, L, you had some fun! And he's a great guy who makes you happy ~ that is wonderful.

 

I too have felt at times that I'm trying to validate myself and my actions to the BF ~ making sure he knows he's not the rebound guy. For the most part I don't now, I just be myself. We joke about the future but both of us have said its one day at a time, and we'll see what happens. I'm ready for a commitment to him but not to M (ugh, nasty taste in my mouth now ) and there's no time limit on anything, good or bad.

 

As far as this guy and talking to him about it ~ why not? You're not ready to marry him, right? You're not totally in love with him, right? So.....tell him that, that you enjoy his company, you enjoy the sex :bunny: , and that he makes you feel good ~ and that's all you want right now. And if you want to call him, call him!

[Guest-L]

As far as this guy and talking to him about it ~ why not? You're not ready to marry him, right? You're not totally in love with him, right? So.....tell him that, that you enjoy his company, you enjoy the sex :bunny: , and that he makes you feel good ~ and that's all you want right now. And if you want to call him, call him!

 

LOR you are Brilliant always the right thing to say.

 

You are correct I don't love him and the stakes are low here. he is just getting out of a 3 year relationship and me my marriage is ending so we both have all this luggage/baggage around us. He is being more conservative in nature because he is friends with my brother and knows my mom.

 

However, that is basically what I want to say to him. I like your company, I want to get to know you better, and I really enjoyed the sex. I am not looking for a commitment but would rather it be casual but would like to see you again.

 

I think the key is I need to be ok.... if he says No. like I said the stakes are not too high right now. so maybe this is the time to do/say those things.

 

I think maybe this guy has liked me in the past and now I am new to the market and he does not want to screw it up and would rather wait till I am farther along in the process or have maybe rebounded else where.

 

what do you think Lor?

[Lor]

Oh, boy, knows the Mom, too, huh? I remember you said he was friends with your brother. Does bro know about this? Would he be okay with it do you think?

 

It is a narrow path he's on and I'm sure he does feel like he needs to tread lightly. Not only could he lose you on a rebound thing but he could lose his friend in the process....whew! That does explain some of his skittishness.

 

Yeah, let him know that its all one day at a time right now, no pressure, no committment. You don't have to marry him, move in with him, have his children.....at least not yet. But, just as he's coming off a 3 yr relationship, you both deserve to enjoy each other's company and be happy. And if there are sparks there, too? That just adds more to it.

 

You do still need to heal but having fun with someone can help you along; look at what he's done to your self-esteem, and I'm not just talking about the bedroom. You came back from your trip with a new attitude and more control ~ it showed thru. he's good for you so why not enjoy it whether it lasts or not? What're you supposed to do? Sit at home waiting for the D to become final? NOT! Take control back in your life and make it worth waking up every day.

[Guest - L]

Oh, boy, knows the Mom, too, huh? I remember you said he was friends with your brother. Does bro know about this? Would he be okay with it do you think?

 

 

 

Yup. knows my mom. My mom gives him business every now and then. Brother is aware that something is there and he is very into it and supportive and thinks it would be cool.

 

I just have no clue if the guy is really into me or just sort of into me or just using me. lol. no clue want to ask but not sure. He has been honest like i have said he is not over what he just had and has nothing to offer me right now. so I mean those are pretty straight forward words. and of course me I want to push back and want to hang out with him knowing those things. just afraid I will really push him away.

 

but, then again what will I be losing... nothing really i mean right now all we are doing is texting on the phone and a phone call once a week. so I mean plenty of time this is all soooo new.

 

Love your attitude Lor. just what I needed.

 

Lor question, after all that you have been through do you believe in marriage anymore?

[Lor]

That's cool that your brother is supportive. With everything you've both been thru he's probably enjoying seeing you happy again, and he will be eventually.

 

You said the new guy isn't ready for anything yet cuz of not being over his last relationship; may need to be watchful of that. He's afraid of you being in the rebound mode ~ he may be in it himself and in denial of it. What do you think he means by that? Is he not over her or is he not ready to trust in another relationship? Is he not ready to enter into something serious again or is he in limbo from the last one yet? I'm not meaning to freak you out or make you think twice of his intentions, but these are things you need to be aware of. You, from the way you sound, are past the what if's stages and have let go, ready to move forward, with or without someone. You give the impression that you like this guy, aren't honestly looking for anything really serious, not in love ~yet~, and just want to be happy again, which he makes you.

 

People will give a lot of advice. I've had a lot of people warn me that I'm moving too fast, that I'm jumping back in with a relationship that probably is a rebound. I know what I know, and I know what I feel, and I know where I am in my life. and its not rebound, its not too fast, and its what I want, not something that I'm using to fill a void in my life. If I wasn't in this relationship I'm in, I'd be fine, and I'd be happy still. that's how I know that I'm ready.

 

You need to be in that junction of your life. Make sure you are there before you seriously enter into anything. You have to be happy with yourself and where you are, or you will end up in a relationship that isn't real, a relationship built on need, not desired.

 

My take on M? At the moment, not high on my favorites list. At first I was saying never again, twice was enough, and I was never going to do it again. Now? I'm no where near ready, don't know when or if I ever will be again, but am I totally against the idea? Nope. I'm not gonna be one of those people that tells the newly engaged couple that I give it two years before it falls apart. M with the right person would be wonderful; I've just had bad luck with the previous two, and doubt my own intuition when it comes to men. The BF is great and he's everything I thought a man should be ~ time will tell if it turns out like the other two and is only a facade. It doesn't feel like it, but then again......I've been wrong before. When the time is right, its right, and M should be a give and take, not a take and take, or a give and give.

 

Now, I ask you.....what is your take on M?

[Guest- L]

Now, I ask you.....what is your take on M?

 

First, the new guy update. Well Lor... I don't know what his deal is. if I text him he texts back. If I call he will call back... but he does not text or call on his own. Probably a sign of something right there. I am getting dangerously close to just asking... if he wants me to leave him alone. Because he may just be being nice and talking back in which case I don't really want to bother him. Probably going to ask today, and like I said the stakes are low.

 

I think women are funny though (myself included) I mean a guy tells us (me) that he does not want to be rebound guy and is not over his past thing and that has nothing to offer. I mean geez its like I am a "stage five clinger" that won't get the hint lol. And regardless of all that he says I still pursue or push or whatever... why right. Well I think it is because women think oh well I will be different and he will want to get over his last thing or whatever delusion we tell ourselves. lol

 

Anyway, even though I can step back and see it why do I still do the classic women things. Like try to define something that is not definable.

 

I think the only reason I would ask new guy if he wants me to leave him alone is because I want the truth I want honesty. Why shouldn't we just say what we mean rather than playing "the game". Talking to someone but not really saying what you want, avoiding topics or questions in fear of the outcome.

 

Am I bitter?

 

To answer your question Lor...

 

I went out to dinner with this girl last week and she has never been married and is younger than me and we talked about marriage... she doesn't believe in it. It was very interesting.

 

When you are dating someone you choose to be with them and there is this underlying fear I think that you could lose them not enough to drive you crazy but its there. I think knowing this makes us work harder in our relationships and value what we have. It forces us to listen and try everyday because there is not gurantee.

 

I think when you get married you lose some of that. There is a emotional sigh of relief that you don't have to worry about losing them. However, the dynamic changes because no longer everyday when you get up do you choose to be there you are obligated legally bound to be there. And although yes clearly divorce is the out and you can get out... but really its not that easy as it was before marriage to leave.

 

not sure how I feel about it anymore. People change and how do you know how you will feel every 5 years of your life.. is the theory of marriage practical the vows?

 

I am skeptical and maybe that is just because I got burned. But, I truly thought I had it that one person that you could trust with your life.

[Lor]

Way too true on the issue of dating vs marriage. We do tend to get too comfortable once the knot is tied, thinking that its forever cuz that's what the vows said and that's what you spoke and pledged to each other. Instead of taking for granted the fact that the other won't ever leave, we need to hold onto the idea that they can leave, could leave and therefore we should never let our guard down and become complacent.

 

We shouldn't be jaded on the idea of M but instead be open-minded enough to realize that, while we made mistakes (I made 2 ), that doesn't mean that its the way its always gonna be. You're hurt goes a lot deeper than mine, since I just M two selfish men ~ my BF's 2nd wife left him for his own brother ~ and that is something I don't know how I would handle. Its similar to your situation, not your average separation/divorce.

 

As far as the new guy, you can ask him if he wants you to leave him alone. All he's gonna say is yes or no. If he wasn't texting you back or calling you back, that is a definite no, but for him to be responding....well? Then its iffy, isn't it? Could be he enjoys your company, really likes you, and is leary right now of jumping in too deep too quick. I don't like being the only one who text or calls either; makes you feel like your chasing. But some guys are just that way, too. have you gone out with him again? If not, ask him to dinner or a movie or something. If he brushes you off once or twice, then you'll know he only wants the texting and phone calls but not the whole dating package.....and if that's the case, don't lose sleep over it. You've discovered that there are good guys out there ~ cute good guys! ~ and you attract them! Wonderful feeling, isn't it? and if you are wanting a guy who will contact you and it not being one-sided, then that is a flag that he may not be the one.......good sex does not make a relationship complete, grass hopper. Although it does help make up for some difficiencies.

 

You should be able to say what you want, when you want, without having the jitters or feeling like you're overstepping your bounds. I've discussed things with my BF, like how he doesn't like to talk business around me sometimes, etc, etc. And he didn't blow up, didn't get mad ~ he listened. And he's found out he can do the same with me ~ like our discussion about how he loves my kids but that they need to obey better when I tell them not to do something. That's what it comes down to is it being a discussion, not an accusation or a he said/she said deal. Jeez, I love being with a man who can communicate!