Baileykeg Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Help. Most of you know my story. We're still in NC although we both broke it last week. I'm struggling terribly today and feel so alone. The last time we spoke was Friday when I called him (I know, I know...I shouldn't have). It was more of the same from him...I love you, I miss you, etc. What I don't understand and can't get my head around is why can't I get angry about this situation? The pain and agony that I am in every day could be stopped by him at any time if he would just make a decision about what he is going to do. Yet, he chooses to let this drag on and continue to hurt me. That should make me angry but I can't seem to get there. Am I just being selfish here in wanting this decision now? I know we agreed to a deadline for him to have a decision but come on...if he loves me so much then what the h*** is he waiting for? Either he loves his wife enough to go back and make the marriage work or he doesn't. It seems to me like it's a black and white issue. Am I wrong???
PoshPrincess Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Help. Most of you know my story. We're still in NC although we both broke it last week. I'm struggling terribly today and feel so alone. The last time we spoke was Friday when I called him (I know, I know...I shouldn't have). It was more of the same from him...I love you, I miss you, etc. What I don't understand and can't get my head around is why can't I get angry about this situation? The pain and agony that I am in every day could be stopped by him at any time if he would just make a decision about what he is going to do. Yet, he chooses to let this drag on and continue to hurt me. That should make me angry but I can't seem to get there. Am I just being selfish here in wanting this decision now? I know we agreed to a deadline for him to have a decision but come on...if he loves me so much then what the h*** is he waiting for? Either he loves his wife enough to go back and make the marriage work or he doesn't. It seems to me like it's a black and white issue. Am I wrong??? Bailey, please stop beating yourself up over this. It's very tough for you but you're doing great considering. You have less than three weeks to wait now, which isn't going to fly by, I know, but at least then you WILL (or should) have the decision you've been waiting for. You're not being selfish - after all you've been through it's not surprising you're feeling impatient - but don't forget it IS a tough decision for the MM to make. As well as the emotional feelings they have to deal with there are also the practical issues. He doesn't seem to be any better at NC than you are (which shows he loves you deeply) but keep trying - even no contact since Friday is good! Lots and lots of luck and don't forget we're with you every step of the way and we're all here if you need to chat. Keep yourself as busy as possible and every time you are tempted to call him, call someone else instead! Haha, I should really take my own advice!!!!! Wish my (now EX)MM would change his number and then I wouldn't be able to contact him. Unfortunately it's inprinted on my brain (and in my heart:sick: ). God, how pathetic did THAT sound!
lovernotafighter Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 my MM and I have been broken up a month and a half and I know how you feel..we haven't managed a NC yet..it's starting to drive me nuts!! yes listen to PP don't beat your self up, it's hard when you love someone just to drop them, we are only human. I kept telling myself I couldn't stand my MM, i hate how he makes me feel yadda yadda,but nothing works, I started to see his flaws and thought that would work to..nope...however I'm starting to become a bit indifferent..but honestly thets the last thing I wanted to. our situations are so hard, is there a right or wrong way to respond? people may say you can do this or that, but until they find them selves in this boat how will they know? good luck and hang tight!
Author Baileykeg Posted October 16, 2006 Author Posted October 16, 2006 Thanks Posh. I feel your pain too. Wish we had a way to erase those numbers from our head (and heart). I'm trying to be strong but at times the desire to contact him is crippling. I miss him so much. I try to keep busy and not think about it but he has touched every part of my life so it's difficult to just "do something else" because that will remind me of him too. I try to make myself focus on the "what if he goes back to her" to try to make myself stronger in leaving him alone. I figure if I focus on that possibility then I can figure out how to move on without him in my life. Does that even make any sense? On the other hand, I've thought a million times about how the conversation is going to go if we do talk on the 4th. To me, the only reason we will see each other on the 4th is because he is getting divorced and we have to figure out where we go from there. Otherwise, I don't need to see him in person to hear he's going back to her. I'm just all over the board right now and I hate it. I'm trying to prepare myself for what I want and will accept if he comes back. First, he has to get the rest of her stuff out of his apartment. No more excuses why he has to "store" her stuff for her because she doesn't have the space. If her apt. is so tiny that she can't stuff one shirt under the bed then she needs to rent a friggin storage building....HERSELF! Uugh! Second, is how I will deal with any future contact he has with her. What is acceptable? What am I comfortable with? Well...anyway...I'm getting way ahead of myself here. I just want this to be decided already. I miss him so much.
whichwayisup Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 if he loves me so much then what the h*** is he waiting for? Either he loves his wife enough to go back and make the marriage work or he doesn't. It seems to me like it's a black and white issue. Am I wrong??? He has gotten used to having two women in his life, and now not having you as much in his life, he's feeling it. This isn't about love right now, this is about HIS EGO and HIS NEEDS. Maybe you just haven't reached your boiling point yet. I don't know. The other thing is, he's got more history with his wife, and everything that goes with their marriage, friends and family, the house, kids (if he has any, sorry I can't remember if they do or not). That is what you're up against, and that's probably why he's taking his time deciding what he wants. Protect your heart and if you can, detach from him!
blind_otter Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 It's a delayed reaction to the grieving process.
PoshPrincess Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 I want to get to the angry stage - can't even manage that yet. I totally repect my MMs decision (as much as I don't like it) but sometimes wish I could hate him for what I've been through. I'm still blaming myself for getting involved with him in the first place!
Author Baileykeg Posted October 16, 2006 Author Posted October 16, 2006 Actually I believe that he and I have a longer history. We've known each other for 20 years and dated off and on during that time. He has no children, no house, no other financial "ties" to her. He and I have the same friends and most of them haven't met her because he lived out of town with her and never brought her around. He says she doesn't make him happy anymore and that I do. So what's the hold-up????
PoshPrincess Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Actually I believe that he and I have a longer history. We've known each other for 20 years and dated off and on during that time. He has no children, no house, no other financial "ties" to her. He and I have the same friends and most of them haven't met her because he lived out of town with her and never brought her around. He says she doesn't make him happy anymore and that I do. So what's the hold-up???? Bailey, the way I look at it, if they have no kids together then there is no reason whatsoever for him to stay in touch with her once they split! If he decides to be with you then he's made his choice and must stick with that. Think you will have to lay down some ground rules!
whichwayisup Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 So what's the hold-up???? He obviously has some love left for her and ofcourse their wedding vows to eachother. So, you both have history with this man...Yet he is still with her. There has to be a real good reason for that. If he can't decide, YOU take the ball into your own hands and make the decision and end it completely.
For You I Will Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 He obviously has some love left for her and ofcourse their wedding vows to eachother. So, you both have history with this man...Yet he is still with her. There has to be a real good reason for that. If he can't decide, YOU take the ball into your own hands and make the decision and end it completely. Exactly. I was on here about 7 months ago & I posted frequently... I have recently discovered he is expecting another child.. although he doesn't admit to it, I have heard it through people we work with. I didn't speak to him for about 4 months.. he kept calling me, he would be drunk. Finally, I thought I could be strong enough to meet him up at a local bar. We did. Everything was different... He told me he wasn't having another child & that him & his W were really through & she moved to a different city to be w/ her dying grandmother. He said she also took their child too. Still, to this day, I don't believe a word he says. After that night, which was about a month ago, he calls me. I don't answer. I was INCREDIBLY attached to this man & he totally hurt me. I never thought I would see the light, but I have. By meeting other "non-married" men & spending time w/ my family & my friends has helped me big time. I have realized that I'm attracted to men that are not emotionally available for me. Take a look at my posts.. I was OBSESSED!! But, like most women on here... they are able to let themselves let their married men go....................... sometimes you just have to. Good luck to you, I wish you the best.
Recommended Posts