fawaway Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 well - hi everyone, it's midnight here and of course i'm sleepless. my husband and i have been married for 3 years,together total for 6. we have a 7month old baby boy. this year as been tough. his mother passed away just 3 weeks before our baby was born. he lost his job when our baby was 4 months old. when that happened we decided i would move to my parents house so that he could find a job out of town, work his tail off and pay all the bills. i could be comfortable living with my parents, them helping with the baby and me not being stressed out. my husband is a good man. i have put very high expectations on him that he could never meet, i admit to this. i also admit that within the last year, i can count on ONE HAND how many times we made love. not because he did not want to make love. i did not want to make love to him even after many advances. i felt insecure about myself, our financial situation and i was just out of touch with how important it was to make my husband feel loved and wanted. he always made me feel loved and wanted. the first month and a half i was at my parents were OK. we missed eachother very much, he called in the mornings and in the evenings he would call, tell me about his day and go to bed. we agued over the phone alot. always making up and saying sorry and trying not to take our frustrations out on one another. then he started hanging out with an old buddy of his. he called less, we talked for the last time at night earlier and earlier. if we would argue and i would hang up, he would not call me back like he used to. the point is - i received our phone bill and checked the numbers. my intuition told me to call this particuar number i saw many times and at very early times in the morning. i find out that he has been sleeping with another woman. of couse he was upset and remorseful when i yelled and cursed at him over the phone. he said "it was just sex" " i don't want her" "my heart belongs to you" "i can't explain it, i just felt wanted and i wanted to feel wanted" some moments i feel like i can't blame him. i can't even remember what it feels like to have sex with him. i can't even remember the last time we were truely happy. truely happy meaning we laughed and played and were silly together - i can't even remember the last time i was actually nice to him and supported him. i know it sounds like i'm comming down on myself, maybe i am in part because i know that my actions contributed to this somehow. i also am aware that he put himself out there being vunerable as he was, he went out with his single friends to the bars. he says he wants to be with me. right now we are states away from eachother, he's in the south and i'm on the east coast. i don't know how to talk to him on the phone. i don't want to push him away, yet i don't want him to think i'm a doormat. i believe this is the first time of infedility, i have a very strong intuition and i always go with my gut. never before in the 6 years we've been together have i felt this. i guess i'm just not sure how to handle this because we are so far apart, it would be easier if i could just see him. we haven't seen eachother in 3 months, we're just voices over the phone and before this 3 months we were hardly affectionate, he told me he thinks that i see him more as a brother than a husband. as of right now, and i know i just found out yesterday, we both have the same goal to save our marriage. the infidelity is the icing on the cake because now that i look back at our 3 years - i don't know how we even made it this far - but we still love eachother because we know how we were before we got married and we want that back badly - i don't know how it all got so out of hand. how do i talk to him, how do i approach this .. i'm helpless so far away from him. i won't be able to see him for probably another month or two -he is supposed to move to ohio with my parents and I in january - but i am hoping to see him sooner than that -
jmargel Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 You really need to see each other in person. Living states away is not helping your marriage. IMO you both need to get some MC, and you move back down south, or him move back up to you. At least you found the underlying issues in your marriage. You were emotionally abusive towards him and did not see his cries for help. Eventually (though it's still not an excuse to cheat) he seeked to fill that void though he found out like most people do that having sex with someone else doesn't fill anything. He doesn't sound like he's the serial type cheater but someone who's been denied the necessities of being in a marriage. If you starve your dog long enough he'll go somewhere else to eat and maybe even find a new home there. Stress can cause alot of problems in a marriage but if you break down these problems into small parts and overcome each one individually then you can move on with each other. You need to face these problems TOGETHER, not moving away from him and expecting him to fix everything. You took the cowards way out. It's time to start working as a team.
elijahBailey Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 i also admit that within the last year, i can count on ONE HAND how many times we made love. not because he did not want to make love. i did not want to make love to him even after many advances. i felt insecure about myself, our financial situation and i was just out of touch with how important it was to make my husband feel loved and wanted. he always made me feel loved and wanted. That's probably the single most important factor that made him do what he did. I wouldn't know what to do myself if I were in that situation. If you starve your dog long enough he'll go somewhere else to eat and maybe even find a new home there. This is so true.
outofdarkness Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 well - hi everyone, it's midnight here and of course i'm sleepless. my husband and i have been married for 3 years,together total for 6. we have a 7month old baby boy. this year as been tough. his mother passed away just 3 weeks before our baby was born. he lost his job when our baby was 4 months old. when that happened we decided i would move to my parents house so that he could find a job out of town, work his tail off and pay all the bills. i could be comfortable living with my parents, them helping with the baby and me not being stressed out. my husband is a good man. i have put very high expectations on him that he could never meet, i admit to this. i also admit that within the last year, i can count on ONE HAND how many times we made love. not because he did not want to make love. i did not want to make love to him even after many advances. i felt insecure about myself, our financial situation and i was just out of touch with how important it was to make my husband feel loved and wanted. he always made me feel loved and wanted. the first month and a half i was at my parents were OK. we missed eachother very much, he called in the mornings and in the evenings he would call, tell me about his day and go to bed. we agued over the phone alot. always making up and saying sorry and trying not to take our frustrations out on one another. then he started hanging out with an old buddy of his. he called less, we talked for the last time at night earlier and earlier. if we would argue and i would hang up, he would not call me back like he used to. the point is - i received our phone bill and checked the numbers. my intuition told me to call this particuar number i saw many times and at very early times in the morning. i find out that he has been sleeping with another woman. of couse he was upset and remorseful when i yelled and cursed at him over the phone. he said "it was just sex" " i don't want her" "my heart belongs to you" "i can't explain it, i just felt wanted and i wanted to feel wanted" some moments i feel like i can't blame him. i can't even remember what it feels like to have sex with him. i can't even remember the last time we were truely happy. truely happy meaning we laughed and played and were silly together - i can't even remember the last time i was actually nice to him and supported him. i know it sounds like i'm comming down on myself, maybe i am in part because i know that my actions contributed to this somehow. i also am aware that he put himself out there being vunerable as he was, he went out with his single friends to the bars. he says he wants to be with me. right now we are states away from eachother, he's in the south and i'm on the east coast. i don't know how to talk to him on the phone. i don't want to push him away, yet i don't want him to think i'm a doormat. i believe this is the first time of infedility, i have a very strong intuition and i always go with my gut. never before in the 6 years we've been together have i felt this. i guess i'm just not sure how to handle this because we are so far apart, it would be easier if i could just see him. we haven't seen eachother in 3 months, we're just voices over the phone and before this 3 months we were hardly affectionate, he told me he thinks that i see him more as a brother than a husband. as of right now, and i know i just found out yesterday, we both have the same goal to save our marriage. the infidelity is the icing on the cake because now that i look back at our 3 years - i don't know how we even made it this far - but we still love eachother because we know how we were before we got married and we want that back badly - i don't know how it all got so out of hand. how do i talk to him, how do i approach this .. i'm helpless so far away from him. i won't be able to see him for probably another month or two -he is supposed to move to ohio with my parents and I in january - but i am hoping to see him sooner than that - I think that there is a big difference to being emotionally abusive and being emotionally unavailable...Sometimes a person can be emotionally unavailabe due to circumstances beyond their control..When my H and I were only married for a few years, we had 2 babies 11 months apart; worst then having twins, and my parents were having severe financial problems...They were evicted from their home, and we had to pick up all of the stuff that we grew up with off of the street. It was extremely hard on both of us and caused much tension between us. Sex was probrably the last thing on my mind...In turn, he turned to OW and our so began my saga...So...sometimes circumstances are beyond one's control...I would say it's entirely different when someone refuses to have sex with their SO or H simply to get back at them or to be mean...Hope that added something...Good luck..know it's really hard with a baby and with the distance between you..Hope you all can get together face to face..I am all of working things out if the cheating party is remorseful and willing...
umbo Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 i can't even remember the last time i was actually nice to him and supported him. YOur marriage needs to come first before your finances. YOu need to see each other and work as a team to get your marriage in order as well as your finanaces .You are much more valuable than any credit report or credit score. Your child needs his dad. So either move to where he is or he needs to come where you are so you can do the team approach solve and resolve issues.
FlyingHigh Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Sorry this is tough for you. Remember that your H's choice to cheat is not your fault. If you haven't already, check out this website www.marriagebuilders.com dedicated primarily in helping couples rebuild their marriage following an affair. Read "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs". I think you already know in your heart that in order for your M to survive, both of you need to be together to work on it. Good luck.
kjl933 Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Sorry this is tough for you. Remember that your H's choice to cheat is not your fault. This is bullcrap. Her husband's decision to cheat was indeed partially (not completely her fault). If she is emotionally unavailable to him for years. If she rejects his advances for years. Do you really think there is not sharing of the blame here? To the OP, you are in a tough situation. If it is going to work, you need to be together through thick and thin and work on it. If it is not going to work--and this may be the case, you need to figure out how to split that will be the best for your kid. Your kid will always have a father, but he may not live at home. You need to dig deep and see if you can forgive (not asking to forget, but asking to forgive) the infidelity--or is this somethign that is likelly to pop up again time and time again when you argue. My hunch is that it might. If so, he is going to feel that he made a mistake that will never be lived down, and will probbaly leave or stray again. He needs to figure out if he can forgive your emotional detachment and convince himself that it will change. Are you willing to change that? It is not an easy road ahead of you and you both need to realize that you BOTH contributed to the current situation. Go to some counseling, move back in together and see what happens
FlyingHigh Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 This is bullcrap. Her husband's decision to cheat was indeed partially (not completely her fault). If she is emotionally unavailable to him for years. If she rejects his advances for years. Do you really think there is not sharing of the blame here? Hey KJ, Whether or not the affair was the symtom of their marital discord, the H cheated! Period! She wasn't the one who cheated! Does this mean that anytime you're not getting what you want from your SO in bed or whatever floats your boat that you're going to fix it with an affair? That's real mature of ya! If you're going to make the concious decision to cheat because you feel you don't have balls to tell your spouse you're unhappy and that something needs to happen, and your only recourse is to CHEAT, then get the heck out of the marriage and spare your spouse the affects of betrayal. Don't think for one minute that once you step over that line that your marriage will ever be the same. It will never be the same!
kjl933 Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Flying High-- I did not say that. Look at what the OP posted. She put expectations that he could not meet. She has made love to him less than 5 times in 1 year not from his lack of affection, but from her alienation of affection. She was insecure and SHE did not talk. He ALWAYS made her feel loved. (Now onto paragraph two) HE admits his indiscretion. Not sure that was the right thing just based on telephone calls on a cell phone, but that is a different story. But he said it was only sex and all he wanted was to be and feel wanted. Seems like he is communicating pretty well here doesn't it? (paragraph three) She cannot remember the last time she was nice to him and supported him. Nuff said? I mean how long is a man to remain in this situation? (paragraph four) Oh look, he is communicating again. He says she treats him like a brother and not a husband. It does not seem there is ANY communication coming from the OP. (paragreaph five) In retrospect of the past three years, the OP does not know how they made it that long. So, please do not lay this "he cheated period" bullcrap on me. Yes he did, yes it was not the right thing to do. BUt as with any "crime" sometimes there are mitigating circumstances. You can only poke at the stingrays for so long before the stingray gets pissed and pokes back. my husband is a good man. i have put very high expectations on him that he could never meet, i admit to this. i also admit that within the last year, i can count on ONE HAND how many times we made love. not because he did not want to make love. i did not want to make love to him even after many advances. i felt insecure about myself, our financial situation and i was just out of touch with how important it was to make my husband feel loved and wanted. he always made me feel loved and wanted. of couse he was upset and remorseful when i yelled and cursed at him over the phone. he said "it was just sex" " i don't want her" "my heart belongs to you" "i can't explain it, i just felt wanted and i wanted to feel wanted" some moments i feel like i can't blame him. i can't even remember what it feels like to have sex with him. i can't even remember the last time we were truely happy. truely happy meaning we laughed and played and were silly together - i can't even remember the last time i was actually nice to him and supported him. i guess i'm just not sure how to handle this because we are so far apart, it would be easier if i could just see him. we haven't seen eachother in 3 months, we're just voices over the phone and before this 3 months we were hardly affectionate, he told me he thinks that i see him more as a brother than a husband. as of right now, and i know i just found out yesterday, we both have the same goal to save our marriage. the infidelity is the icing on the cake because now that i look back at our 3 years - i don't know how we even made it this far - but we still love eachother because we know how we were before we got married and we want that back badly - i don't know how it all got so out of hand.
FlyingHigh Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 So, KJ, what you're really saying is that the husband was justified to dip his wick elsewhere and take the risk of catching whatever deadly micro-organism he might catch from his OW and pass it on to his wife....nice! Cheating is still cheating regardless if both sides are flippin miserable! There is NO excuse for cheating. If you're gonna cheat, get the hell out. The wife could have easily done the same. BUT, she didn't. There lies the difference between the two. So spare the excuses of why the husband was justified to cheat!
GuestI'mHere Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 Alright..your husband cheats and you start saying all the stuff that you did wrong? Make a list of all the things he did as well so that you won't feel you've taken the burnt and your husband is the victim here. Did he tell you you were being selfish and unattentive? How would anyone know whether they were hurting someone's feelings if the person doesn't speak up and say it? You do need to work on your marriage but only if you want to and you know it's going to help. Communication. You need to punish your husband. Not with a ruler, but tell him how you feel, NC if you want for a week, or write a letter. Remember to get that journal and write all the stuff you did wrong(which you regonize) but write what he could have done too instead of had an affair. Your marriage cannot stay the same, something has to change.You can't expect a boy to stop stealing if he doesn't get punishment, can you?
FlyingHigh Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 You need to punish your husband. GuiestI'mHere ---Punishment is NOT the answer. The affair is a symptom of their marital discord as in any marriage tarnished by infidelity. NC is important. But it's useless when the adulterer has no commitment to rebuilding the marriage. It's equally pointless when the innocent doesn't acknowledge part of the responsibility. Faraway- if you want to make another go with your marriage, check out www.marriagebuilders.com primarily dedicated to rebuilding a marriage after infidelity. Read "HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS", "Surviving an Affair", and Plan A & B. There are success stories even after an affair. Affair will either break a marriage or make it better and stronger. Consider it a life lesson for both of you. Life has a way of teaching us that if we don't learn what we need to learn now, life will keep throwing it back on us until we get it right. It's a choice. Learn from it now or you will eventually learn it later. Good luck.
Miwi Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 Your strong for wanting to save this relationship... You should get marriage counciling, and Move back near or with eachother...
CrushedOrgans Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 in my opinion, people get way too hung on cheating only because it involves sex. i don't think cheating is any worse than lying, or emotional abuse or neglect or whatever you want to call it. they all can ruin relationships, they are behaviors that the other person didn't sign up for when deciding to be with you. they were things that were agreed upon before or at the marriage that have been breeched. it comes down to one thing...things happen that we don't expect and it's best to be realistic about them and confront the problem from all angles...which includes examining yourself and what part you are responsible for, and not saying "what you did was worse so nothing i did counts against me."
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