IpAncA Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 I don't believe HE will change, but I believe the RELATIONSHIP might, if I give it a shot... How can the relationship change if he won't? Yeah you can try but if he doesn't then your wasting your time because there are many other guys out there who will treat you the way you should be treated. You know one day you will be in our shoes feeling the way that we do, giving the advice that were giving you, and you will be telling someone the exact same thing that is being told to you. This is kind of frustrating to see someone go thru this and I know that you can't change your situation over night. Its very hard to just say "I'm done" and then move on. Yes you are inexperienced and one day you will understand what were saying. BTW how old are you? I thought I read somewhere your in your teen years or something?
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 BTW how old are you? I thought I read somewhere your in your teen years or something? Yep, I'm 17....
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 Ok, sorry but when I was in your shoes I didn't have anyone really who could warn me or advise me. I wish I had. Maybe I wouldn't have stayed as long..maybe I would have..who knows? But yes, one can only hope you'll learn. But it still doesn't make our messages invalid. I think you will remember some of what's said here and some of what's said in your real life and one day really BELIEVE it. So please don't resent the messengers of truth. Is this some kind of twist on "hating the messenger" maybe? You are twisting this all around, Touche. This has nothing to do with "hating the messenger" or whatever... I never said your responses weren't invalid. I never said they were wrong. But I also never said I was going to take every bit of advice on here all of you have suggested and use ALL OF IT. I am taking everything into consideration and LEARNING from it, as that is often brought up... I will use some of it, yes, I will probably use most of it, but just because you may know more, you may have experienced all of these things, learnt from all of this, it doesn't mean my situation is exactly the same. If I chose to go about it a different way, I may just come out of the other side FINE and WELL, even though I didn't do exactly what you are telling me. I have told my parents this same thing.... Just because you experienced something a certain way, doesn't mean that every other minor you try to teach is going to experience it in that exact way. I AM TAKING WHAT ALL OF YOU HAVE SAID TO ME INTO CONSIDERATION, don't get me wrong there. But sometimes, no matter how much advice is being thrown at you, you have to think with that thing in your head there....I think it's called your brain. I still would love to hear your advice, your thoughts, and learn from all of it, though....
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 You know what my abusive ex told me after our divorce? He said he wishes I had put my foot down in the beginning of our relationship. He said I took too much of his sh#t so he kept doing it! Really? Wow. I can't see Rhys ever turning around and saying something like that, though. I dont' even think he realises that he does it most of the time. It's just the way his household is brought up and how he watches his father etc... I won't just sit here and take it anymore. I won't. I will try day by day to make it better. I will try. I won't stand for this anymore...... So can I ask what it was about your abusive ex that made you break up with him? Like, did you just put up with it for so long then just couldn't take it anymore? I would really like to hear your story....for comaprison reasons....
IpAncA Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Yes everyones situation is different, BUT the cycle is the same. Yours in just very short and I got that out of the converstations you post. I've been giving how old you are a lot of thought here. This isn't your first REAL boyfriend is it?
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 I've been giving how old you are a lot of thought here. This isn't your first REAL boyfriend is it? Lol, no. As I was saying a couple of pages back about my ex. He was the nicest guy ever. He was genuinely nice, you know? He did ANYTHING for me (and most of the time I didn't even ask for much at all)...he would sit on the phone with me for hours and just listen to me. We would even fall asleep together on the phone. One night he rang me after he had just watched The Texas Chainsaw Massacare (sp?) and told me to stay on the phone to him till he fell asleep. He was such an angel, a true kind soul. You know who I broke up with him for? Take a wild guess. Previous boyfriends...yeah, I have had a few, but the last 2 I have had have been the longest....guess that's what makes them so important and meaningful.
IpAncA Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Ok good. That would have just been an entirely different mess in itself. Wow that guy sounded great and you don't need me to tell you that.
ShoeGirl Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 What's the big deal in me being inexperienced? There isn't much I can do about it.....I can only learn!! I agree with this completely. I am also inexperienced as far as relationships go, and I was nearly as frustrated as you a few weeks ago. The way I think about my relationship now is that I don't know if it will work out in the long run but if all else fails I will have given it my all and I will have learned something from it! You are right that is all you can do! I dont' even think he realises that he does it most of the time. It's just the way his household is brought up and how he watches his father etc... I won't just sit here and take it anymore. I won't. I will try day by day to make it better. I will try. I won't stand for this anymore...... You are most likely right with the idea that he doesn't see what he is doing, you said that his father treats his mother this way. I agree with the suggestion that you talk to him about his feeling with his parents relationship. From what you say about him I can guess that he will get anrgy for you bringing it up and you need to be prepared for that. Maybe you should write him a letter talking about some of these issues, give it to him, tell him to read it and talk to you when he is done or the next day maybe. Speaking from my experience this has been one of the most effective ways to bring up tough topics. If you say it to him he can easliy tune you out, if it is written down he can take a break from reading it and go back to it after he has calmed down. None of us can tell you how he is going to react, only you can judge that. Keep telling yourself that you are not going to put up with it anymore. I know it is hard to actually do what you want to, but as you said baby steps... you are getting there slowly and some progress is better than none. Stay strong! I have faith in you!
Sparky Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 From what you say about him I can guess that he will get anrgy for you bringing it up and you need to be prepared for that. Maybe you should write him a letter talking about some of these issues, give it to him, tell him to read it and talk to you when he is done or the next day maybe. There's one BIG problem about doing this. You're not facing your fears head on. It's just another way of saying that you're too scared to see his reaction to what you're going to say. That is not courage.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 Speaking from my experience this has been one of the most effective ways to bring up tough topics. If you say it to him he can easliy tune you out, if it is written down he can take a break from reading it and go back to it after he has calmed down. None of us can tell you how he is going to react, only you can judge that. I have written him a letter before trying to discuss things. He hates reading, he can't even read really, thinks my letters are too long and confusing and I very rarely see progress... That's why I always talk about communication. WE LACK IT. I can't really communicate with him in any way to get my message across...
allina Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 He hates reading, he can't even read really What?!?!
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 What?!?! He can't really read. he dropped out of school in year 9... He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, let's just say that much.
ShoeGirl Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 There's one BIG problem about doing this. You're not facing your fears head on. It's just another way of saying that you're too scared to see his reaction to what you're going to say. That is not courage. I was just speaking from my experience with a very similar situation. The letter idea worked for me so I thought I would suggest it to her. I thought it took courage to write down what I thought and actually give it to him. I have written him a letter before trying to discuss things. He hates reading, he can't even read really, thinks my letters are too long and confusing and I very rarely see progress... That's why I always talk about communication. WE LACK IT. I can't really communicate with him in any way to get my message across... My boyfriend said that my letters were long and confusing too. Luckily he liked the idea of writing down our thoughts so that we could get the point across without getting cut off midway through. One other idea is see if you two can go for a drive somewhere away from your houses and and just talk, no distractions. Maybe have him say one thing that bothers him about your relationship first, let him talk and then you bring up something. See if that gets you anywhere. You don't have to bring up anything huge just something that you would like to see changed... start small and go from there. I am just trying to give you suggestions, I understand how it feels to be so completely fed up. I was there and some days I still feel that way.
allina Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 He can't really read. he dropped out of school in year 9... He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, let's just say that much. Do you think all this calling you an idiot each day is his insecurity about you being smarter and more talented? I mean no disrespect as I have never met the guy and don't know him but holy crap you could do better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 My boyfriend said that my letters were long and confusing too. Luckily he liked the idea of writing down our thoughts so that we could get the point across without getting cut off midway through. One other idea is see if you two can go for a drive somewhere away from your houses and and just talk, no distractions. Maybe have him say one thing that bothers him about your relationship first, let him talk and then you bring up something. See if that gets you anywhere. You don't have to bring up anything huge just something that you would like to see changed... start small and go from there. i know, and thank you for all your help. Lol, I've actually tried that as well. The drive somewhere deserted and just talk. I think about 7 times out of 10 it has ended in screaming and tears. By the end of it he tells me he "Doesn't wanna hear it..." What am I to do there? *shrugs*...
Sparky Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 I was just speaking from my experience with a very similar situation. The letter idea worked for me so I thought I would suggest it to her. I thought it took courage to write down what I thought and actually give it to him. You're right. You're still letting him know how you feel, but you're not proving to yourself that you can handle the real thing. At the same time, face-to-face is much more effective. It doesn't take NEARLY as much courage to write a letter as telling him off in person.
Sparky Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 He can't really read. he dropped out of school in year 9... He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, let's just say that much. I see... And WHAT gives him the right to call YOU an idiot?
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 You're right. You're still letting him know how you feel, but you're not proving to yourself that you can handle the real thing. At the same time, face-to-face is much more effective. It doesn't take NEARLY as much courage to write a letter as telling him off in person. My plan isn't to "tell him off" cos I know exactly where that will lead to... It's so horrible. Whenever I start talking about arguments I get flashbacks to some of the arguments we have had. It makes me literally sick thinking about it.... Especially one fight we had where it was the first time I have seen him get really worked up. He was screaming at me and you could see veins coming out at the side of his neck. He looked so angry. He was screaming at me, pushing me away, saying things like "I don't NEED a girlfriend to make me happy...I don't NEED you, f*ck off and leave me alone. Never speak to me again". I was trying to hug him and touch him and he was just shoving me away telling me to "F*CK OFF!!!"... I get that argument fashback all the time. It was so scary. I thought I had lost him forever....
IpAncA Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 It was so scary. I thought I had lost him forever.... Would that be so bad?
Sparky Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 It was so scary. I thought I had lost him forever.... It's a shame you DIDN'T. Nobody should treat their lover like that. About the arguing... Are you scared that he's going to hit you? I wouldn't be surprised if he did, so you have every right to be scared. Take a friend, or BETTER YET, you're DAD. :p Oh god, I'd LOVE to watch your dad react to THAT!
ShoeGirl Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 i know, and thank you for all your help. Lol, I've actually tried that as well. The drive somewhere deserted and just talk. I think about 7 times out of 10 it has ended in screaming and tears. By the end of it he tells me he "Doesn't wanna hear it..." What am I to do there? *shrugs*... What happened the other 3 times? Anything productive? Just keep taking baby steps, remind yourself that you are not going to put up with it any more... stand up to him about something small, take baby steps to get to the bigger issues. Most importantly keep in mind what you want, because you know, as well as the rest of us on here, you don't want to be treated like this anymore.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 Would that be so bad? Yes.........
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 It's a shame you DIDN'T. Nobody should treat their lover like that. About the arguing... Are you scared that he's going to hit you? I wouldn't be surprised if he did, so you have every right to be scared. Take a friend, or BETTER YET, you're DAD. :p Oh god, I'd LOVE to watch your dad react to THAT! That one time we argued I was. Definitely. The other times...I kinda am but he always promises me he never will. I'm holding him to his word... He was shoving me though, whenever I got close to him he was pushing me away. I mean, that was nothing but he was giving "angry shoves" as if he was saying "Don't f*cking come near me, b*tch" shoves. He just doesn't know how to control his anger. See, this is what I find weird....and somewhat annoying. he will stand there and scream at me, call me ever name under the sun, tell me to go home. Then an hour later will call up and be like "Hey gorgeous wanna come round for dinner tonight! I miss you! What you been doing? How come you went home?" I've even googled ADHD and all of that, cos I'm convinced he has it. He's just so.....weird with his moods.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 What happened the other 3 times? Anything productive? Not really. He usually says "I don't want to talk about his. It's going to end in an argument. Let's just not talk about it." So no talking = no progress.
Sparky Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 I've even googled ADHD and all of that, cos I'm convinced he has it. He's just so.....weird with his moods. This guy is like 10-Second Tom from 50 First Dates! Have you seen that movie? ADHD doesn't affect your moods. That sounds more like depression. Either way, there's no excuse for the way he acts. They say the best role model for a boy is his father. Unfortunately, his father wasn't a great role model.
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