Author lovestruck234 Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 I found it pretty upsetting that you were shocked that some women on this site have never been told to shut up or f*ck off by men they have dated. Do you consider it normal for a man to talk to his gf/wife like that? It isn't! And there are many wonderful men out there who don't speak to women like that. Also, you keep saying that this is a maturity issue, and that you can't wait till Rhys is 30. This has nothing to do with maturity, he's an abuseive a-hole who will only grow in to an older, bigger abusive a-hole, unless HE chooses to work on himself and change. Are his parents still together? Does his father talk to his mok like this? Last, you say you love him so much and can't live without him. How?!?! Why?!?!? How is it that you feel any warmth for him?? If someone spoke to me like he does to you all I would feel was anger and rage towards them. Please quit telling yourself that you can't live without him, this is not true and telling yourself such things only makes you feel weaker. I promise you, you will make it without him. Almost everyone past a certain age has gone through a breakup and all the hurt that comes with it, it happens to EVERYONE and EVERYONE lives to tell about it, learn from it, and post about it on LS Thanks Allina. Yeah, actually I was under the impression that this behaviour is normal...of course, until now.... Yep, his parents are still together, but they're not married. They just never got married. Dunno why. But yes, his father talks to his mother the same way. That's an excuse I often try to use. You know, monkey see, monky do. He is simply around his father often enough to pick up on these things...
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 Hey Lovestruck, I'm sorry for going off the deep end. And I guess I was pushing too hard, and I'm sorry for that too. I forgot that I used to be like you, and now that I've been through this, it's just so obvious to me now. I had no right to lash out. The reason why I was so offended was because to me, your lack of faith/self-esteem made it look like you didn't care and throught that it's okay to be treated like this. Sorry for pushing so hard. And you're right, it DOES take time. But on the contrary, you can't let this go on. As a matter of fact, I DO see an improvement everytime you reply. You're gradually starting to realize what's really right. This proves that you're a smart girl, and any guy would be lucky to have you (excluding you're d*ck-of-a-bf Rhys). It's all good. No need to apologise... The thing is, I DO care, but I was/am sort of at the point where I am so fed up with trying. I want to care, I do, but it is hard. The thing that spun me out though, was that you kept saying you have been through the same thing etc....but in reality, wouldn't someone who's been in the same situation(s) know how that person feels? You know how I feel, right? Anyway, it's all good. I genuinely appreciate your concern...and that's all it was, you weren't going off at me through anger and offence, you were simply concerned. That's sweet.
Touche Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Yes, some of us who have been through the same thing DO understand how you feel and that's why we can't understand why you keep putting up with it. Eventually, a lot of us like Sparky and I and other women who have been in your shoes, GET OUT. It's just frustrating to see it take so long before you realize it. It's weird because once you do, you say to yourself "Wow! What the HELL took me so long to see it and get out!" It's just frustrating to see someone else go through it without seeing it yet. So forgive some of us who come across as harsh. It's really not meant to be. And shame on those who have criticized our style in trying to make a point. What's the saying about "until you've walked a mile in someone's shoes?" Anyway, one other thing I want to say. I would tell him that the way his Dad talks to his mother is UNNACEPTABLE in your world. Period and end of story..his choice. I would also ask him how it makes him feel when his Dad talks to his mother that way? I'm sure on a deep level it hurts and angers him. Point out to him that the way he talks to you, angers you deeply and makes you feel like he probably does when his father talks to his mother that way. Ask him if he wants HIS kids to feel that same hurt one day. And then tell him AGAIN that's it's NOT acceptable for him to talk to YOU that way. And if he doesn't agree...leave. I promise you that after a time, you'll get over him. And you will feel empowered. And you'll feel like the goddess in you that is TRYING to come out. Good luck, Tess.
Sparky Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 The thing is, I DO care, but I was/am sort of at the point where I am so fed up with trying. I want to care, I do, but it is hard. Hey sweety, I know that feeling. We all get it. When things don't work out the way we want it to, we get stuck and give up. And you know what? It's okay to give up, just as long as you've done everything you can possibly think of and did it right. As a matter of fact, you need to know when to give up. If you can't make Rhys a better person, it's okay to give up on the relationship. The thing that spun me out though, was that you kept saying you have been through the same thing etc....but in reality, wouldn't someone who's been in the same situation(s) know how that person feels? You know how I feel, right? Of course I know how you feel. I've been in your shoes before, and I've come to a conclusion about the person responsible for harassment, and it's either 1 of 3 things, or more, or all: 1. They don't care about how you feel, just long as they're having fun, and don't see how it can backfire. 2. They're too stupid to figure it out. 3. All of the above. A smart person would realize that there's only so much sh*t people can take and would stop, because even though the victim may not be a threat, there's always someone else that is. Anyway, it's all good. I genuinely appreciate your concern...and that's all it was, you weren't going off at me through anger and offence, you were simply concerned. That's sweet. Being in the same situation, I can't stand watching someone else be treated the same way.
Sparky Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 You're right, Touche. I'm glad that there's always someone else out there than can explain things better than I can. Tess, Touche is right about how you should approach this. If he's a smart and caring guy (HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ) he'll realize what he's doing and stop. I'm not saying that telling him that this offends you is pointless, I'm just saying that you shouldn't get you're hopes up. Once a jerk, chances are VERY small that he'll ever change.
Touche Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 You're right, Touche. I'm glad that there's always someone else out there than can explain things better than I can. Tess, Touche is right about how you should approach this. If he's a smart and caring guy (HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! ) he'll realize what he's doing and stop. I'm not saying that telling him that this offends you is pointless, I'm just saying that you shouldn't get you're hopes up. Once a jerk, chances are VERY small that he'll ever change. Thanks for the kind words, Sparky. And I have to agree with you that CHANCES are that he won't change. BUT, it's not out of the question. He's young. And if Tess can appeal to his real and true emotions (such as I described vis-a-vis appealing to his emotions regarding the dynamic between his mother and father) then MAYBE she has a chance of turning him around. And all that goes back to what you were saying about knowing WHEN to give up. And that's it's ok to give up. In fact, it's HEALTHY...way healthier than hanging on to something that's not true love...hanging on to someone who breaks your spirit and makes you feel small.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 I don't believe HE will change, but I believe the RELATIONSHIP might, if I give it a shot... I believe it all depends on how much I'm willing to put into it, also. I have put in what I thought all I could put it, but it's obviously not all I can put in. I can put in more.... Answer me this, am I wrong in saying that Rhys needs to put in some as well? I cannot be expected to pick this realtionship up out of the dirt and dust it off by myself, can I? OR is more that if I want the change, then I have to do myself?
johan Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Tess, you've been picking the relationship up out of the dirt by yourself a lot already. And you've been putting in a lot of your own effort already. And you have the answers to your questions already. By the way, I'm really offended that you haven't taken any of my advice.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 . By the way, I'm really offended that you haven't taken any of my advice. ....
Touche Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Also good luck with a relationship that's "in the dirt" after less than a year...it RARELY goes uphill from there. Trust me on that one! All of my bad relationships were obvious within the first 6 months. Too bad I often hung on longer..waste of time and emotions. I really believe that.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 Also good luck with a relationship that's "in the dirt" after less than a year...it RARELY goes uphill from there. Trust me on that one! All of my bad relationships were obvious within the first 6 months. Too bad I often hung on longer..waste of time and emotions. I really believe that. I'm having faith.
Touche Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 You can call it "faith" but I'm going to call it (no offense) INEXPERIENCE.
magichands Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 All of my bad relationships were obvious within the first 6 months. I can't wait to have one that lasts that long. Cool.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 You can call it "faith" but I'm going to call it (no offense) INEXPERIENCE. And I'm going to call it "there's not much I can do about my lack of experience seeing as haven't experienced as much as you....obviously." What's the big deal in me being inexperienced? There isn't much I can do about it.....I can only learn!!
Sparky Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 What's the big deal in me being inexperienced? There isn't much I can do about it.....I can only learn!! Smart girl! You've got it! If only Rhys could see that... Nobody said that it was a big deal. We were all inexperienced at one point, and we learned from it. Otherwise, we couldn't help you.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 Smart girl! You've got it! If only Rhys could see that... Nobody said that it was a big deal. We were all inexperienced at one point, and we learned from it. Otherwise, we couldn't help you. Exactly, so by calling me inexperienced isn't really helping. It's simply statin the obvious, which we are all aware of, and which we are all trying to fix/help out.
Sparky Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 I don't believe HE will change, but I believe the RELATIONSHIP might, if I give it a shot... I believe it all depends on how much I'm willing to put into it, also. I have put in what I thought all I could put it, but it's obviously not all I can put in. I can put in more.... It's not just you, Tess. Rhys has to do his fair share too. It takes 2 people to keep a relationship going, but only 1 to end it.
Sparky Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Exactly, so by calling me inexperienced isn't really helping. It's simply statin the obvious, which we are all aware of, and which we are all trying to fix/help out. Actuallly, it is helping. Without realizing what's obvious, you can't really get anywhere. You already realize it's obvious, so that's half the battle.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 Actuallly, it is helping. Without realizing what's obvious, you can't really get anywhere. You already realize it's obvious, so that's half the battle. Ummm...exactly. So I've already realised it (a long time ago) so.....what's the point in reminding me just that ONE more time when I hear it every day of my life?
nicki Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 When I was in your shoes, I wish someone had shaken me and said: "WAKE THE F#CK UP!" Because I was truly asleep, and didn't even know it. I think that's why everyone posting is passionate in the way they are trying to make you see reality. But, I know from experience you will see it when you see it. Meanwhile, keep taking your baby steps. They will lead to big leaps. So, for the time being, can you at least promise to walk away from him when he is being mean? And no more kissing him after he hangs up on you. In fact, I'd just stay home after he does something like that...and then later when he cries "Why didn't you come over?, I'd say "What? I thought you didn't want to see me. Next time, don't hang up on me." Anyway, tell him to "get bent" a few times as you walk away. I know it will make you feel better. And Rhys needs a few consequences. You know what my abusive ex told me after our divorce? He said he wishes I had put my foot down in the beginning of our relationship. He said I took too much of his sh#t so he kept doing it!
Touche Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 And I'm going to call it "there's not much I can do about my lack of experience seeing as haven't experienced as much as you....obviously." What's the big deal in me being inexperienced? There isn't much I can do about it.....I can only learn!! Ok, sorry but when I was in your shoes I didn't have anyone really who could warn me or advise me. I wish I had. Maybe I wouldn't have stayed as long..maybe I would have..who knows? But yes, one can only hope you'll learn. But it still doesn't make our messages invalid. I think you will remember some of what's said here and some of what's said in your real life and one day really BELIEVE it. So please don't resent the messengers of truth. Is this some kind of twist on "hating the messenger" maybe?
Sparky Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 Ummm...exactly. So I've already realised it (a long time ago) so.....what's the point in reminding me just that ONE more time when I hear it every day of my life? LOL! Sometimes we forget what's obvious and what's not. It always helps to just remind us once in a while. For example, in high school, I was SO USED to do all this complicated and discreet mathematics, I forgot how to properly multiply.
Touche Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 LOL! Sometimes we forget what's obvious and what's not. It always helps to just remind us once in a while. For example, in high school, I was SO USED to do all this complicated and discreet mathematics, I forgot how to properly multiply. Touche', Sparky! Touche'! (oh, I wasn't calling myself..just telling you that YOU are the one who is right on!)
Sparky Posted October 24, 2006 Posted October 24, 2006 LOL! You know, I was just wondering how you spelled that.
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